Hahaha..... just drove home from Costco with CMM while he played me an album of Bertie Higgins (of Key Largo sappy early 80's songs). Thank god he didn't ask me what I thought of it because I'm pretty sure he would have taken offense at sappy. I was listening to Devo and X when that album came out. Complete opposites of the spectrum hahaha.
Last edited by job; 05/25/1910:56 PM. Reason: edited a word for kml
Had a mostly good day yesterday. Much erranding was done. Stopped by B's mother's place, picked up a load of "stuff", everyone laughed when I complained about how "my kitchen" seems to be being taken over, picked some rhubarb.
We / I lost the grocery list so we had to wing it there and almost forgot pie shells for the rhubarb. We're taking a pie with us today to visit B's best friend in a few minutes.
B also met my friends who run the cafe / bake shop around the corner. They were thrilled.
At home, I had what I now understand is a panic attack. I get so wound up sometimes, especially on a Saturday afternoon with all the things that need to be done that I need to have a sit. B's not seen this before but she was very kind. The dryer quit working later in the day though and that didn't help. When this happens it usually takes me a day or so to recover.
This morning it happened again. I was working on getting breakfast for us together, organizing my meds, B asked about the dryer so I dashed off to check circuits etc meanwhile she was talking about all sort of plans, things needing to be done and it happened again. We talked. This is going to be something we need to navigate but having talked about it helps. As did chewing a couple of aspirin and taking a hit from my nitrolingual spray. I pretty much never use that any more but felt the need today.
B was confused and impressed because one of the items on "the list" for today was reviewing the June budget. Something I used to always do with my ex on the last Sunday of the month, usually over breakfast out. I've been reluctant to carry over traditions from then to the now but this was a good one. It was good. B has never done this before and she asked questions and made suggestions and we figured things out. She also seemed to start thinking of her own finances in context of how I do budgeting and she knows that she has a long way to go before she can get on solid footing knowing where the money is coming from and where it's going. A big part of the discussion is around "what do we want to do in June?" We may well get a new floor in the kitchen and laundry room - the money is saved and is more than our first estimate that we got yesterday. There's a bunch of painting to do. I'll spend less on gas because I'm taking a week off, but more on beer I need to get my car serviced. All the usual sort of things that are part of life.
Anyway - time to get going to visit her friend.
A bien tot mes amis.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
It was a nice but somewhat odd visit with B's friends. Interestingly, as a couple they are similar to us. B's friend is loud, enthusiastic, not well read. Her husband is quiet, a bit nerdy and professional.
I had a laugh because B's friend asked me about movies I like and I mentioned that "The Man Who Killed Don Quixote" was something I was going to watch when she and B go away for a weekend in 2 weeks. I was the only one who knew who Don Quixote is although B's friend's husband had heard of Terry Gilliam. I was asked to explain but deflected that as the story was far far too long even for me. B herself only has the vaguest of ideas of who Don Quixote is and why I care.
B's STBX didn't like them and I think resented them. He always put on a drama show any time B spent time away from being his appliance and with her friends. We all seemed to get along quite well. We had a nice visit at their lovely home about 1 1/2 hours away from our place and then went out for dinner at a pub which they bought. I made a point of being appreciative which was appreciated. It was odd though in that B's friend got wasted over the course of the afternoon although I only saw her drink a couple of glasses of wine. B suggested that she perhaps had something else going on possibly kid related but didn't see this as too very unusual. I assumed a certain amount of stress too. The friend did vanish "to walk the dog" for about 20 minutes or so during the afternoon although the dog returned without her.
B and I had a good talk on the ride home about my panic attack. She said that she recognizes that sometimes things get a bit much for me and that she needs to not rush in and try to fix things, but rather let me be and give me quiet. I really appreciated this and told her so.
We also talked (far too much) in the car and before we went to sleep about our ex's and how their lives aren't turning out wonderful. I've been pushing back a bit on this but B is open about pretty much everything which I suppose is good. I also expect this to slow down a bit in the near future. It makes her happy to explore this so that's good.
One of the grand-kids is graduating elementary school soon and both grandparents have been invited and are expected to attend. I of course have no plans to attend. B expects everything to be cordial and friendly. I put a bottle of Zinfandel in the fridge. B believes that her STBX will stay with one of her kids / his step-kids as usual. She does agree that the fact that she has a steady person in her life will undoubtedly play a role in their interaction, especially since he still is chasing after his fantasy girl and her gap-toothed smile. Personally I worry that he will use this to make the settlement process more confrontational. I've heard a few things where he is for example expecting part of an inheritance from a relative of her's who is still alive and feisty.
One other bit of dynamic that required some navigating was after we got home. B was exhausted in part no doubt from the driving and so was having a bit of a nap in the living room. I was bustling away in the kitchen, making my lunch, starting the dishes and making part of B's lunch - 'cuz I had everything out for that too. B came in, immediately said - "I'll do the dishes" and tried to shoo me away. Then noticed her lunch in progress. Big hugs - a bit of talk - that I was perfectly capable of and happy to do stuff in the kitchen and just like she had told me that if we worked together that more stuff could get done. She agreed, made the rest of her lunch herself, helped dry a few dishes and we finished everything up together. I did get extra brownie points this morning because when she woke up she recalled that she hadn't set her coffee on for the morning. I assured her that the tiny fairies who live in the house had taken care of things - as I'd noticed the timer not set on coffee when I was taking my meds before bed and alerted them.
Part of our talking on the weekend was about how our relationship is sooo much easier than if we had attempted reconciliation with our spouses. B had done that after his first affair and it was a very bad time.
And on a final note - just to annoy Dawn - I had theorized that with us being out that S24 may well have spent Sunday Supper with his mother and sure enough, as we were working on the dishes in he comes. It's good that he's spending time with her and he seemed quite cheerful.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
“ our relationship is so much easier than if we reconciled with our exes”
Well yeah! It’s new and doesn’t have any history good or bad.
That’s why a lot of walk away spouses ( affair or not) often don’t come back to reconcile. It’s way easier to move on than to repair damage. They get the clean slate.
Probably the number one reason Walk always don’t walk back.
The thing is though, you can't take them back without jointly repairing the damage. As the LBS, that's my number one reason for not taking the person back - they opted for the 'easy' path. Relationships are hard and if the other person doesn't have the capacity to engage when things go south, I don't want to be with that person.
Grrr - B's S38 calls late yesterday while we are finishing up the dishes. Needs his Mommy - various amounts of angst on his part are obvious. B considers leaving him to stew until the already planned trip later today but goes up last night, deals with his stuff for him and then comes back home around 10:00 pm.
Fortunately B has made it clear that she doesn't want my assistance with any of her issues although the kids' laundry that she had brought home (long story) which also seemed to include a lot of S38's clothes, magically got folded by little hairy elves while she was out. The repair-guy jumpered the blown fuse on the dryer yesterday afternoon so it is to only be run under close supervision until the replacement fuse comes in a couple of days. The damp clothes that hadn't dried fully outside were hung on the line inside as the elves didn't want to stay up to watch the dryer. The now grumpy elves hid an ILU note in B's lunch bag before making sure her coffee was set to go and going to bed.
When she got home she was tired, stressed and I get my bones jumped which certainly surprised me and relaxed her. Held her until I was sure she was asleep. Alarm goes off at 4:00 am. Now everyone's tired.
No - I don't believe that he's single any more.
It is possible that instead of going to the cottage with a large number of kids / grandkids this weekend that B might stay home and have 2 of the grandkids come to visit. So weekend resting might be less than hoped for when we finally get there.
We did have a talk after her call with S38 when I heard her say that she was "at Andrew's house" suggesting she say she is at "my new place". I think she's in favour of that - making a separation of the place she shared with S38 and her new life.
Always lots to navigate. She has said that she feels bad about how tired I am and of that I am positive even though I've not complained beyond mentioning that I was dragging this morning.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Andrew! She brings over her grown a$$ son’s laundry and you fold it?????
I’m a doer and a helper, but Andrew. Stop trying so hard and taking on her baggage!
You rescue her and her family? You are obviously stressed by all of this. Draw yourself some boundaries and stick to them, for your own mental health . Please
Slow down Ginger. She is working on cleaning out her old shared apartment including the clothes. I folded it because it had filled the dryer keeping everyone else from using it - and I'm a nice guy. B would have done it except that she had to go out.
This isn't a common thing and B is very very firm that she's cutting them loose by the end of June. I'm very firm that grandkids are welcome to come for a visit - I'm looking forward to it in fact - but nobody is moving in. B is 100% in agreement.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
And on a final note - just to annoy Dawn - I had theorized that with us being out that S24 may well have spent Sunday Supper with his mother and sure enough, as we were working on the dishes in he comes. It's good that he's spending time with her and he seemed quite cheerful.
Doesn't annoy me a bit. I told you I was letting it go and I did. You are who you are and you will be who you will be and no amount of advice, unsolicited though it may be, is going to change that. Some day you will totally understand why I kept telling you to let it go, and I promise I will NOT say I told you so when that times comes. What is that saying about letting resentment or holding a grudge or toxic people live rent free in your head????
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Oh and by the way, note that I was NOT the one who pointed out your folding her son's laundry? See.....I can let stuff go. But I do agree with what G said, for the record.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
I need to get my car serviced. All the usual sort of things that are part of life.