OK, thanks both of you. Pretty much everyone (including my friends) think I need to go dim and have been saying so for a while now. This is going to be really really hard, but I'll try. Every time I think of not being in contact with him I have a panic (he probably feels the same, so ironic). But he really hasn't felt the loss of me. Actually I suggested on the phone not meeting up for a while and he didn't say anything, I thought he would agree given he'd just been busy saying maybe we should get divorced... Maybe you're right Yorkie and he really does want me to make the decision for him (he's even said that a few times). Which is hilarious because I'm not very decisive and he is, but he has a huge amount to lose here, probably more than me.
I was weirdly calm this morning, I was anxious earlier thinking about whether he was having an A or not, but actually I wasn't particularly upset either during or after our conversations. No tears or anything. I think he's confirmed to me that he's not willing to do anything to be more transparent, and I can't demand it but I also don't have to see him if he won't be more transparent. I don't feel like my need for a bit more honesty is unreasonable or unnecessary pressure. I feel sad because a few months ago I really felt like we were making progress, there was one day back in March when he even kissed me on the lips, but since then all progress has been either up and down or backwards. But him scuttling back into whatever funk he's in has made me wonder whether it will ever improve again. I said lots of times in IC that I'm willing to wait if I can see progress, and I did see some, but it's not enough and not consistent enough. And you're right Alison, I am definitely healthier and happier and stronger by some margin than I was back in September!
I definitely need to go away for the long weekend now!
Just journalling. I need to work out some way of keeping myself busy and out of the house on Monday mornings, this is clearly my worst time of the week. I don't regret what I did yesterday, otherwise I would have just eaten myself up the whole time H is away, this way I can feel more detached and get on with things. I do regret the way I went about it though, I should have kept it far more controlled and brief. I usually go to an aerobics class on Monday mornings, but maybe I need to find a class which starts even earlier to prevent myself from going into a negative state!
I can't go away for the weekend now because ds2 has an event I have to take him to on Saturday, but I'm meeting a friend on Sunday so I might go away Saturday night somewhere near where I'm meeting her. GAL stuff tonight and tomorrow night and I will arrange something for Friday as well. And maybe a long walk on Monday. I actually have some tentative plans for doing a really long multi-day walk with ds1 when he finishes school early, I think he might be up for it. If not, I might just go by myself, this route is something I said to H last year that I would like to do together and he scoffed at the idea in a very rude way.
Lots of work to do today, didn't accomplish much yesterday. I will go to the new office after the kids are up and out of the house.
Quick journal: I am having a really good week! I like my new office and have met a few new people there, it's good to have people to talk to there at last. I've also been very productive there, having background noise is helpful in helping me focus. I've decided 2 days a week in the office will be my new routine.
I have also been making some efforts to meet new people outside the office. I just signed up for a 'make new friends' event on Friday evening, which is JUST what I need right now. New people, new ideas, new conversations. Really looking forward to it. I was on stage at a work event on Tuesday night and it went really well, I was introducing speakers and generally making the event go well and making people laugh and I really, really enjoyed up there being a bit of a showoff. It reminded me that I'm intelligent, articulate, warm, funny and likeable and people responding to that is a definite ego boost. Makes me think my new career direction next year needs to involve a lot more people stuff, because I'm good at it!
Went to the theatre with ds2 last night, we found a rooftop bar hidden away and had a drink there. The barman was SUPER flirtatious. I'm sure he's like that with every woman buying a drink but my, I do love to be flirted with and enjoy flirting back. Then we met H for a quick meal which was ok. I was sitting next to him and his phone dinged and he looked at it and laughed and went to share something but stopped himself. I looked over and saw he had Whatsapp on his phone. So much for him needing his other phone for Whatsapp then hey? Unless he has a whole other Whatsapp account on his other phone (along with a camera NOT linked to our joint icloud). Seeing that made me want to get away from him TBH. Whether he's having an A or not, Yorkie is so right that he's being deceitful. I actually feel pretty detached right now, more so than I have before. And even more determined to make a life which is fun and full without him. Two different men on two different tables were definitely checking me out at the restaurant, why am I hanging out for someone who doesn't want me? Not that I'm planning to run off into the arms of another man, but just knowing I'm attractive enough to have some nice looking men eye me up is good to remind myself
H texted me this morning asking how the play was and wishing me luck with my new car. I said it was great and wished him a good flight. Now going dark until he gets back, going to be ultra busy GAL. I feel like this is a real turnaround point for me, I feel much more detached than I ever have before, and am valuing myself more and looking forward to new experiences. This might even be Dilly 3.0
Quick journal. Not missing H at all really, feeling quite detached. He put a video of some birds on our icloud, birds we were discussing a while back. The most feeble temp check ever, he didn't even text it to me. Ignoring. He texted last night to ask how the new car was and I just gave him a thumbs up emoji.
Trying to work out what to say when he starts pushing back against me going dim. I am no longer frightened of his anger, I'm a much more assertive person than I used to be and I don't want that angry critical H back, ever. I even asked nicely in a restaurant yesterday if they could turn the music down. Practicing assertiveness here there and everywhere, which reminds me I must make a hotel booking for my weekend away because my friends are being useless. Happy to go by myself if they are too disorganised to book a hotel or respond to my suggestion that it's getting LATE to book. I have always been terrible at conflict and being assertive, it's taking a lot of effort to change that but I've finally realised you can be nice and still look after yourself and not be a martyr or a doormat. Looking at my mum, no wonder it's taken so long, I learnt that terrible behaviour from her and old habits die hard.
Anyway, when he asks what I've been up to or what my plans are:
-I'm going out with some friends -Who? Nobody you know, just a bunch of friends -Where are you going? -A bar If he tries to insist on more details -???
Thoughts:
You'll just have to trust me, won't you I don't feel the need to share any more than that
Any other ideas? I don't want to play games. I don't want to make him feel like I'm punishing him or pushing him away, just getting on with my life and letting him feel the consequences. If he can go off and make plans to do things without me, then so can I. But I am not being transparent with him if he is not being transparent with me. Maybe I should actually say that, but not in a threatening way, just being matter of fact.
Anyway, I'm off to GAL today, looking forward to it!
Regarding him prying when you go out, there comes a point that you just have to tell the truth. I am going out with so and so. It happened a lot at the start and, as I was normally meeting up with mums, I had to eventually say "I'm going out for dinner with the mums from D9's class" or "I think we are going to ...".
There isn't much more you can say. Everything else just comes out as defensive.
I haven't been on for a while, but I've just read back through your thread and you seem to be doing well. I would only say that detaching is a difficult line to walk. You have to balance protecting your emotional well being (by keeping them at arms length) and act in a way consistent with values such as respect, kindness and compassion. It is made harder because we all expect respect, kindness and compassion back and when we don't get it, we keep them at arms length. If lower your expectations of him (your reaction to him having WhatsApp on his phone) then you won't be pushed back into distancing. This isn't about winning him back, but about you holding higher standards for yourself than you do of him. Note: As you know, I frequently fall back into distancing ways so it is a lesson I am still working on.
Also, you should absolutely make plans without him. But it should be because you want to. Not because of anything he is or isn't doing. This journey is about you.
thanks FS. I have always told the truth to him when he's asked where I was going out. My problem is he grills me on my plans and although he tells me what he's up to during the week he does have this massive, massive transparency issue with his flat and second phone.
Yes, detaching is a very, very difficult line to walk. Being cold comes easy to a distancer, particularly when I feel rejected. My IC was warning me against doing things in anger and coming across as punishing H, and that's something I have to watch for. I'm going to practice validation and more validation with H. It's a good life skill if nothing else. I had a very quick chat on the phone with him yesterday before I jumped on the tube, he'd rung in the morning so I left it till 5 to ring back. Another photo on our icloud, another tiny crumb.
I had one fun event first yesterday with a bunch of people I've been meeting every few weeks. They are interesting and it's very low key, I like this group though it changes people every week. Then I went to the friends event. It was very clearly called a 'friends' event and not a singles event, but that was not really the vibe I got by the end of the evening. I had some interesting conversations with about 3 men and 1 woman (I think there were more men there in total, it wasn't that I was seeking out male company particularly). One of the men was giving off interested body language in the direction of both me and the other woman, I really wasn't interested and he ended up giving her his phone number lol. I gave my phone number to the woman, I liked her and would happily meet her for a walk or dinner or something. I got the feeling she was up for some male company given she also gave her number to another man there lol. She was a bit drunk too, I had a couple of drinks which was more than enough on an empty stomach, it probably made me a bit loud and annoyng. It was nice to talk about things which didn't relate to my family or H and just have some intelligent conversations. My friends are great but they are all so into their families, it's good to feel like a separate person. It was also quite nice to have some male attention but it brought home to me that no way am I ready for dating, that was good to confirm!
Tired today, I have to take ds2 to his activities for most of the day so I'll work while he's there, and then do a roast dinner for the kids tonight. Tomorrow I'm meeting a friend and then I might stay away for the night down that way and for the bank holiday Monday. This time with H away has been easier than I thought since I've been busy GAL. I am GAL for me, nothing to do with him, but it has made it easier to have my mind off him for sure.
Very odd: H rang me 3 times a bit earlier. I thought it might be important so rang him back. He sounded excited and happy (not heard that for a long time) and was busy telling me about something which happened when he was out with his colleagues cycling. I think he'd gone ahead so he wasn't with them (the man is so competitive, lol). I find it utterly bizarre that the man who was telling me 5 days ago that he might want a D is then calling me as the first person to tell something to. Just so weird. Anyway, not reading anything into it, it was nice to hear him sounding happy for a change. Hopefully this time away will have done him some good.
Hello Dilly. Just back from my hols and catching up with everyone's situation. You sound like you're doing well. It is interesting you feel better when you have less contact with H and that he's so nosy about your life while being so deceptive with you. He is entitled to privacy, but the lies about his phone are just that - lies - and that matters.
There's a couple of things I learned about how to deal with unwanted questions when I worked in an environment where I had to keep the attention focused on the client and not reveal anything at all about myself. The first thing is to reply to a question very briskly, then ask a follow up one of your own.
H: where are you going? Dilly: Just out to a bar with some friends. How about you? Do you have any plans for tonight?
This is the light, friendly, first-resort conversational version.
If he persists after that, you can draw his attention to it in a non-blaming kind of way.
H: where are you going? Dilly: Just out to a bar with some friends. How about you? Do you have any plans for tonight? H: which friends? Dilly: Why do you ask?
The 'why do you ask' is quite a powerful question because it puts the focus back on the person asking the questions. You don't open up an argument - you're not saying, 'we're separated, this is none of your business' or 'you're getting nothing out of me until you stop lying to me about your phone' - instead, you're just refusing to let the focus be on you having to service his need for intimacy by asking questions, and instead putting the focus on his need to pry and probe. (Hope that makes sense).
I used both these techniques in my work. I had great results with the first one - you have to be on your toes and good humoured about it but it does work. The second one tended to provoke 'just making polite conversation' or a defensive response. If you get the 'just making polite conversation' you can just follow up with a question of your own.
'I see. Tell me about you. What are you doing tonight?'
after all, if the person only wants polite conversation, they'll have no objection to you making it in the same way as they do - by asking questions about their plans.
Hope this is useful. Keep going. I sense you taking your power back and he won't like it - there will be some kind of tantrum from him eventually - but that doesn't matter - whenever the future of your R you are entitled to have some equality and dignity. He's lying to you. Don't forget that.
Thank you Alison, that is very useful! I will experiment with both approaches. I've also decided I won't be giving him the other key to my new car, in fact I might not even let him see it. That can be my space, let him see how much fun it is being denied access to something which should be joint. Is that totally childish of me or deliberately hurtful?
My friend bailed on me yesterday, which was really rude and annoying of her, but then again I hadn't followed up earlier on the date we'd agreed on so it was partly my fault too. I went and caught up on work and then headed off for a night away anyway. Had a lovely run this morning, went shopping and bought a really nice dress (now I need a posh restaurant to wear it to, lol) and had a nice lunch. Last night I had a few drinks in the pub with my book. It's been a bit lonely but nice enough. I was going to go to the cinema but it was 100% kiddy films! I need to pencil in something social this week because it's half term and that means my friends are busy or away.
I think this detaching thing works better if you can say 'how would I treat a distant acquaintance in this situation' and then just do that. You wouldn't specifically text that person a picture of your car, but if they specifically asked to see it it isn't like you would point blank refuse either, even though the request might strike you as a bit intrusive.
I'm glad you made the most of your time alone. I need to book in some time with friends this week too. Full of kid related half term GAL, but I didn't see anyone last week - which was lovely - and am in need of some social catching up time with people!
