As for you - how about you start going out dancing on nights when M isn't available? Only half kidding. If you are out having fun with other people every time he's unavailable at least you'll be getting your extrovert needs met, and beat case scenario, he might start making more effort.
Dancing isn’t quite my thing, lol. But honestly, I had 11 free years before M came along. My daughter is out more often now, so I have a little extra free time. I have endless cleaning to do, I go to the gym, I see friends when I can. I occupy my time. I also do need my recharge time too. Last night I was in my PJ’s as soon as I got home and I lazed around the house and read my book and watched my 600lbs life. I can fill my time too. I don’t depend on him to keep my time occupied. I simply want to spend time with him.
G I think as long as you feel like he is making time for you, initiates and is an active participant that is what's most important. That you feel it is more than one sided with you not always being the initiator.
I also think it is perfectly normal to want to spend more time with your partner. I would just ensure there is give and take or compromise.
Hmmmmm. When it’s an event, he will initiate I.e: movie night tomorrow night at the lake, the concert we are going to in a few weeks, that kind of stuff. I initiate more of our Wednesday night and random stuff.
I would like a little more free initiation of time spent together that doesn’t have a definitive plan.
He was very very sweet to me this morning . I’ll see him tomorrow night with the kids. Let’s see if he maybe comes a little closer.
If M wanted to spend every day with you, every moment of his free time, and he was around you all the time would you feel the same way? Do you think that would kill some of your attraction for him?
I dated a guy who wanted to spend every day and every moment with me. It’s too much. And I don’t want to spend every moment of every day with with M. I have hobbies, friends, etc. even if we lived together, we wouldn’t do that. We both have hobbies we don’t share.
Which is why I don’t want to spend every moment with him either. Just a little more than 1-2 days a week:)
I think when you get together as adults with established lives, hobbies, commitments, etc, spending every waking moment together isn’t so attractive anymore, let alone possible .
I am fairly certain I have said this before (sorry, I'm old and I repeat my stories ), but communication is the key. You should absolutely feel comfortable making your needs known as should he. And you both have to work together to make sure you are meeting the other's needs. It shouldn't be all about him and his needs or all about you and yours, which you are aware of. It can be hard to be open and vulnerable sometimes, but communication does require that. Continue to ask for what you need and work towards a compromise with him when necessary. As you continue to learn and grow with each other, y'all will find your rhythm, so to speak.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
We had some deep vulnerable discussions yesterday. Finally laid some stuff on the table. I think it went over all well, but some parts I wasn’t all too happy about.
Him questioning if in a decision I was making was putting my daughter first. He thought I was putting him first and not my daughter I let him know that was NOT ok. And I let him know as much. That’s a hot button topic for me. Long story short, he did apologize and told me the roller coaster between trying to parent with his ex and loving me the way he does is hard to jump from track to track.
Time spent came up. I asked him if he wanted to grab a bite to eat and he said no. It triggered the convo. His response i was like “come on dude” if he sets his mind to rest or sleep, he cannot interject last minute plans. Between work, his kid, his daughter, me and his hobbies he can get exhausted. It’s called life. I told him he was more apt to see me or pursue in the first few months and he he agreed. But one day he was tired the next day before he had his son and he wasn’t able to give it his all. Because they pretty much never have normal tome together. It’s always a teiathon of events. He needs all this energy and rest to be a perfect parent.
Some of it I truly did roll my eyes at. Grabbing dinner with your girl last minute is a no-go because you had your mind set on resting? He also puts so much energy into being such a perfect over the top parent, I really don’t agree with it all and some of it made me feel like you do certain things for those you love and you put your girl ahead of your 13 hours of sleep or tinkering with your truck once in a blue moon.
He told me he is in this in the long run but to not burn it out it needs to be a sustainable pace. Still, it’s not even near low we see each other all the tome.
So, no last minutes dates. No sundays. Must be 100%well and perfectly for a day with the kid. I wonder if he realizes that most parents aren’t perfectly rested having marathon fun times with their kids. But he’s going to do things the way he wants.
I’m going to sit with all this and see how I feel about it. I don’t know if I can be at the bottom of someone’s priority list again where they can’t flexible with me sometimes.
This is tough stuff to navigate. I just feel like I have to Hear him, but he’s not hearing me.
We have our movie night tonight. Hopefully it all goes well. I am sure it will
He has a young son and you’re daughter is older. There is also a huge difference between having custody 50% of the time and 80 % of the time. You very insightfully noted the differences in an older post. I think it’s important for both of you to recognize the differences and respect each other’s parenting decisions and philosophies. They might not work for you or for your situations but being able to look at them without questioning and critiquing (like m was) or eye rolling (you) is going to be necessary for the long term or it’s gonna be sensed and resentment kicks in.
Also, I think a lot of women feel deceived - I know I do- when a guy spends a lot of time and gives a lot of attention in the beginning and then once you settle down and they have no more competition from other guys, things suddenly change. It’s like false advertising. But seems to be really common.
), but communication is the key. You should absolutely feel comfortable making your needs known as should he. And you both have to work together to make sure you are meeting the other's needs. It shouldn't be all about him and his needs or all about you and yours, which you are aware of. It can be hard to be open and vulnerable sometimes, but communication does require that. Continue to ask for what you need and work towards a compromise with him when necessary. As you continue to learn and grow with each other, y'all will find your rhythm, so to speak.