Totally get what you are saying, Cadet, but I think Don also has a point. It shouldn't be ALL about the wife. I prefer the happy spouse, happy house method which absolutely requires open and honest communication. I appreciate when a man is a nice guy and wants to do nice things for me (and I'm lucky to have a man who does that), but I equally want to do nice things for him and be a nice woman.
G, I think that UR had a good point, too, that I had not thought of, but it made sense when I read her post to you. You do seem to still be unsure. I know you have said before that you are used to putting another's needs first in a relationship and it seems like you are staying with that tendency with M. It is ok to ask for what you want and discuss it with him. I'm not saying you have to lay down the law to him, so to speak, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with approaching him about a change of plans, especially since there has not really been any planning involved in the kayak trip. Now, if he had planned it all out and made reservations and paid deposits and that sort of thing, I would say suck it up and go kayaking and do the wine thing some other time, but that doesn't seem to be the case. Don't overthink it too much, G. M seems like a good guy and you all have a good thing going. I don't think one discussion about what to do to celebrate your birthday is going to make the wheels come off.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Or being a push-over, enabler, sap? I mean certainly within reason you should try to do what you can for everyone and want to make your partner happy. They say marriage - and certainly an R can fall into this - is one long, constant negotiation. Certainly saying "yes dear" might keep things happy... at least in the short term, but... "I'm going to buy some $1,000 earrings" yet there's not enough money in the bank to cover this months rent - just go along if it makes her happy? Or not working - it really makes her happy to not have to go to work everyday - well if it makes her happy?... go along with it.
I just don't see this as healthy. Maybe that's why I'm divorced, but I'd go crazy saying yes or going along with things I know are not good, or healthy.
On the other hand, this specific scenario is not unhealthy or anything close. Above all else, Ginger should not be afraid to bring it up for hear that HE won't be happy. It works both ways, doesn't it? Both the woman and the man should want to do things to make the other happy - not just the man keeping the woman happy. I think Ginger has done a lot of this in the past. COMPROMISE is most often the key - as someone said, perhaps you can plan a different paddling trip. For sure, you should not be hesitant to ask, and I think you are. Something to work on.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
So, it was something he came up with when I mentioned doing something. He has his own kayaks and we go ourselves, so nothing that has to be set up. And I can guarantee there are no dinner reservations. I’m going to ask him tonight if he would consider changing plans. We can kayak any day. Actually meeting up with my friends is really hard to coordinate. We have been dating 9 months and he has never met one of my friends or family members and I met a lot of his. I DO think he is more comfortable in his own element with his friends and family and is nervous about meeting mine. He did meet a coworker of mine. That’s it. You can stick me in any social situation and I am fine with it. He might not be. But regardless, it is really important to me.
To speak to making me happy. It’s not a Mr nice guy thing where he should just do whatever makes me happy. He knows I am one to go out of my way to do for him, it would be nice to think he would do the same for me. And he does his handy projects. It’s his comfort zone. He would want to make me happy because I want to make him happy and he knows this.
UR, you know me so well. I am still unsure. And I am walking on eggshells. And it’s not because of him, it’s because of me. My M is so long over but all I know is to walk on eggshells. And I am afraid I will never feel secure again. But that’s on me. I realize it’s a scar and known behaviors. And you are SO right. I want to change things this time around. But it’s like an irrational fear. I know I am a good girlfriend, and certainly not a perfect one. I am afraid my eggshell walking and wondering how commuted he is will probably sabotage the relationship if I stay like this. It’s an anxiety and a awful one. I can’t seem to believe someone would just want to be with me even if I have needs . I want to shake this so bad!
So, I’ll bring it up tonight. Because it’s honestly not that he will be upset I changed plans. It’s that he will want to back out of meeting my friends. And my friends are super important to me.
And I’m going to try to overcome that stupid social media fear. If we get a nice picture I’m going to post it. Social media shouldn’t be a big deal in our lives. But I don’t post due to fear ( and I really don’t take very many pictures these days. I actually hate the camera.
I want things to be different. I have to tell myself this is indeed different than all my other relationships.
I did everything my exh wanted me to do. Never said no..always agreed with doing what he wanted and how he wanted things done...and I lost me. I became so small I was invisible. I think in a healthy relationship, there should be give and take.
Now I happen to be very easy going and I am up for most things...but if there is something I really don't want to do...I am not going to do it just to make R happy.. He wouldn't want that from me or for me.
The goal isnt to make someone happy anyway. That has to come from within them. I would like to think I enhance his life. Having to be responsible for his happiness is way too big a burden and gives him all the power.
G, I always tell you straight. I would like to think I have completely overcome the whole people pleaser thing in a relationship. I like to think that I always speak my mind, but the truth is...I haven't and I don't all the time. But it is always the goal...because I know somewhere deep inside that it is important. I also know that if things were to fall apart with R...I would be really sad...but I would be ok.
About M...he is an adult.. and while it is admirable for you to see him for who he is and how he shows love and his comfort zone and all of that... it is also time for him to step up. He needs to meet your family and friends. Sorry if it is uncomfortable for him....but he has to put on his big boy pants now. You keep giving him an out, and that isn't good for the relationship.
My truth is that I will probably never be 100% secure in my relationship because of my past. That's just the way it is for me. And its ok because as I said, I will survive a breakup. With that mindset, I continue to work thru the things I need to in order for the relationship to continue to grow.
M knows you walk on eggshells on some things. You know that,right? It may not be a conscious thought but he feels it.
Just keep remembering that being like that didn't serve you in the past and that you are worthy and you matter.
Wow, uR - very, very well written comments! Ginger, you are equally impressive in seeing things pretty clearly and not only figuring out, but admitting to yourself what you are doing - and why. Something tells me your fear of getting an answer (to what M really thinks) is the driving factor. Step back for a second and think about what you'd tell me or any of us if we had been dating someone for 9 months, even done some vacation type stuff with them - yet they've not met my friends or family nor had a picture posted of us together on social media. Nine months???? That's pretty odd. I guess just going along in daily life and not thinking about it or trying, how does he not meet some of these people just by happenstance, or a pictures or posts get done in the same way? I mean... that just sort of happens, doesn't it?
I then wonder if the "excuse" for him not meeting friends/family or pictures/posts is his introverteness and shyness when the real fear that the real reason is he doesn't want to take that step - and that would really hurt you. It's easier to "understand" that well it's "just how he is" or it's just that he's shy and such. That's easier, but, meeting friends means this is a real R, etc. is more. You said something a week or two ago about wanting this to become a real R and I didn't understand what you meant - I think I now do. A real R, means meeting friends, etc.
This same thing sort of fits with the fact that he won't touch you in front of his son. Again, the "excuse" or reason is, it's because of his son. The fear is that the real reason is more about him and an R rather than his son. He's struggling with going all in with you it would seem. Now at 9 months, that's perhaps okay. I'd likely be in the same place, and it would not mean I was not invested or didn't love the other person. However, they'd certainly would have met family and friends by now and been seen with me in at least some social media. That typically starts to happen around the 2 or 3 month mark - maybe 4 or 5 but certainly by then.
It's okay to ask for what is important to you. That doesn't mean you'll get it all - nor should you. But you should never be hesitant to ask for it. Perhaps it's just time to start doing it! Perhaps the next time you plan to go out to dinner or hear a band or drinks or whatever, just say, My friend X and her husband are going to join us or are going to meet us there. It doesn't have to be some big deal. Same with social media - just post something just as you would with a girlfriend or group. I can't see why at all that would be a problem at this point - and if it is, that's something to look at.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
UR, we seriously are the same people. We lived our marriages the same exact way, may mine have been much much shorter. Im also a people pleaser and I will pretty much go along with anything because I’m easy going and have doing whatever. M has introduced me to fun new things. I always wanted to kayak and fish, and my ex just said it was “boring” well, I ended up loving it!!!
I do believe he loves me and he is all in. I do. My anxiety gets the best of me. I said something to him the other day asking him if he didn’t want his son to know we were together because of his ex and he said he does want his son to know. But wants him to see a loving healthy relationship develop and let him see it for his own eyes. We are doing something all together next Friday. We will see how he acts.
I think he’s all in because I have done holidays with his family. Met his friends. I also told him he better not back out Monday for my birthday dinner with my parents, lol. And he said there is no way he would.
He came over last night and was asleep by 7. So not much talking. But this morning I asked and he is all for it. Said we should Uber it. Same place you brought R to, UR! Truffle fries, lobster rolls, wine and cider!
I need to chill the F out and not let my past define me. I can’t believe how hard it is sometimes
