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Hi folks,

Wife separated from me about a month ago, and our situation has been very fluid since then as we try to work out details and logistics. We’re splitting time in a separate small house while our kids (S16, D14, S8) stay at the main family home. We’re all going to have to move soon because our family house is being taken back by the landlord as of July 1st, so everything is going to change pretty drastically in the next month.

I’m really struggling with how much distance/closeness to put between me and my wife. She wants this separation, and she says clearly that she intends it to be effectively the end of our marriage, not a time to work on our relationship. She wants to be free to work on herself, date, explore her independence, feel autonomous, etc., so some signs of a MLC. She says I should accept that we are no longer a couple. She is not willing to establish ground rules for our behavior because she doesn’t feel she can trust me to keep up my end of the bargain. To put it another way, she basically doesn’t want to worry about my behavior since she feels she’s been doing that for most of our 20 year marriage. Admittedly, I have over the years disregarded her complaints and felt she was controlling, but my greatest crime was not feeling empathy for her when she was most in need because I dismissed her needs as paranoia and hysteria. I also made out (kissing only) with two different colleagues out drunk after some parties 4 years ago when we were living apart due to my job, and I felt the marriage was effectively over at the time. Soon after, I moved home, and told my wife that it was all a big mistake and that I moved home for her and my family. I have plenty of guilt and culpability for my mistakes in the marriage, but at no time was I dating or pursuing other women on an intimate level or seeking a relationship as she now apparently needs the right to do.

We have been fairly cooperative and collaborative for the most part. We’ve also recently had some great, honest talks, more sex than we had in the previous few years, and some fun times, all while planning our separation. However, we have also had many lengthy conversations about our relationship, and that is draining for both of us. She recently said she needs more distance from me to avoid that.

When she asserts her need for independence, especially around dating, I react badly since that just strikes a nerve with me. She also has an old male friend she’s been close to since they were very young children now back in her life. She had sexual encounters with this guy when they were in high school and then once more recently about 6 months ago after she had decided to separate from me, but she insists that was just a one-time, drunken mistake and that they are just friends and more like siblings than anything else. She also insists that she in no way would want a romantic relationship with him, and she gets very frustrated and annoyed when I push her on this. She now refuses to discuss their relationship with me because “its none of my business” now that we are separated. She is very clear that she will not share with me whom she is with or what she is doing, and she expects the same from me. To be honest, I do believe her about her “friend” not being a romantic interest, but I also know there will be moments where they could get physical if they’re both drinking, etc. I have been checking phone bills for calls/texts between them, and there is about one 50-60 minute call each week and 1-2 texts. I’m not proud of checking, but I can’t seem to stop it. I am wondering if all of this makes her a WW? I sort of feel like she exhibits more the characteristics of a WAW.

This is terribly difficult. She tells me that she wants us to be friends, have family dinners, do things together with our kids, even go out together from time to time alone and with our mutual friends, but she says she needs me to understand her need for space, independence and respect for her boundaries. She feels she was mistreated throughout our marriage but didn’t stand up for herself or leave the marriage, so her self-esteem is wrecked. She wants space and autonomy and to feel she is not putting up with a life she disagrees with from now on, and she says the best way for her to see a future for us is for me to give her this time and space, respect her needs and be helpful and supportive of the separation. I get that in one sense, but I also have a very hard time being supportive of something I don’t want.

Obviously, I want her to be happy and feel empowered, but there is a limit to what I can take in order for her to achieve that, and I have real concerns about elements of the separation (e.g., dating, finances, kids logistics, etc.) as she is describing it. When I raise these, she becomes angry and claims that I am not understanding of her needs and am only being an obstacle. I agree that I have had a hard time accepting the separation, so especially at first, I tried to point out how destructive the separation would be to us financially, to our kids, etc. That was really an attempt to stop it, but she said that if I would stop trying to manipulate her and do the opposite and make this easy on her, that would show I really care about her needs and would be the best thing I could do for us to ever have a future again.

Also, when I create distance/detachment between us, she does seem to respond a bit, but this is not easy to do because of all the stuff related to our kids, our housing, our finances, etc. We are by necessity in fairly constant contact, and we both enjoy our time together when we’re being friendly. As mentioned above, in some ways the separation has led to more honesty and openness than we’ve had in years. I am having a very hard time being distant from her. Also, when I push back on her, e.g., by telling her we can’t be “just friends”, or I won’t be available for favors, she then becomes agitated and more steadfast that she is making the right decision and usually suggests that we should not merely separate but rather just get a full divorce and go our separate ways. On the other hand, when I am cooperative, friendly, helpful to the separation rather than throwing up obstacles to it, she responds better. She seeks more closeness, wants us to do some things together, etc.

I am also trying very hard to GAL, but this too is difficult since most people my age (49) are busy with their own families and kids. I find things to do, but I hate doing them all alone. I am also reluctant to date because it sounds awful, I don’t want that, and despite what my wife says, I know it would make her uncomfortable, and she would likely rush to start dating herself, which would only compound my predicament. I should point out that while she wants the freedom to date and see her old friend, she is very clear that she is not at all interested in pursuing any relationship, nor is she even interested in dating right now. She wants the time and space to work on herself, be healthy, get in shape, lose weight, feel good about herself again, etc.

All of this is very confusing, basically because I don’t know what my strategy should be, aside from trying to get more of a life myself. I don’t know how much I should engage with her, or if I should push her away, tell her I’m not going to be just a friend, etc. because I don’t want her cake eating or to be Plan B. I know she’s having some confusion and conflicting feelings about the separation itself, but when she starts to feel that way, she seems to catch herself and then works hard to convince herself that she needs to separate from me, and she digs in her heels.

The past two months since she announced she wanted us to separate have been the toughest time I’ve ever experienced in my life. I have read DR and do my best to implement Sandi’s Rules, but I’m extremely distracted, can’t sleep, eat or work very well, and even have trouble focusing on my kids. I just can’t seem to detach enough from all the thoughts and feelings – even when I’m feeling OK – to truly get a break. I want so much to be busy, but I hate doing things alone and don’t have many people in my life to do things with. It is very lonely and frustrating, but I do try my best to convey an outward positivity in front of my wife when I can.

Sorry for the rambling. I’m a bit all over the place because this situation is very fluid and just isn’t very clear-cut or simple to me. Lots of mixed signals and uncertainty, which is causing me to be scattered in my thinking and approach. Any guidance or advice to help me get more grounded? I’m thinking some DB coaching sessions could help me.

Thanks for any help or guidance!

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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


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So sorry you are here. Read everything that Cadet posted. My EXWW started off just like yours did. She started saying she needed space, she never felt independent, never got to grow up by herself, we married to young, needed to work on herself.

It turned out my EXWW was sleeping with her boss. In reading your situation it really looks to me like there may be another man in your W's life. I am sorry to say that. Regardless, you are here for help.

Follow all of the advice you get here. Go buy the DB book and keep it to yourself. This is going to be a very long and hurtful road. But you need to accept that you have this gift of time to work on yourself.

Its time for you to focus on what makes you happy. Focus on you and the kids. Pull back and remove all pressure from your W. You will not talk her into reconsidering. She is already gone. Every decision you make needs to be something that either betters you or makes you happy.

Stop making decisions based on how your W will react. Start getting very involved with your kids. Its time to show them you are a rock in their lives. Just remember, you will be fine. You will end up a much stronger person no matter what. There are so many helpful folks on this board. Make sure to read and consider everyones advice.

People will give you advice based on what worked and what did not work. Even though we are all different people, these behaviors your W is showing are literally like a script taken from a book. WAS all act the same. They all say the same thing. They all blame their spouse for everything. They all get very selfish and in many cases they turn on their spouse and treat them like the enemy.

My EXWW turned me into enemy number 1 when I confirmed her affair. I pulled back hard. Focused on myself. Physically, mentally and emotionally. I am a much different person now. My EXWW is the same and has only regressed. I did not save my MR. But I saved myself. I saved my sanity. I learned to recognize my value and worth and recognize that I am not valued based on someone elses opinion of me or love for me.

You got this. You will be ok. It hurts so allow yourself to feel and express your emotions, but do it away from your W. In front of her you are alpha male, cool, calm and collected. Decisive in your actions. Keep posting here.

Stop all talks about relationships and stop all pursuit. You will push her away quickly by pursuing her.


M:16
T:21
H(me) 38
WW: 38
S11 D16 D19
Red Flags of A: March 2018
ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018
Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018
BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018
D Filed: March 27, 2019
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Jay,

I'm new too, so I'm not an expert by any mean..... but give that woman space, as much as possible.
It's super difficult but it has to be done.

My MLC'er and I live together too, and it's really hard with roles (cooking, cleaning, how much to say to one another).
I'm sure you're doing your best, but really..... let her do her own thing and butt out of it. Be nice and supportive, don't cause conflict.

If she's having (or will have) an A, I suggest reading everything on Heart Blessing's site. 100% changed the way I look at all this, and the people here a super good.

I'm at the pre-sep or pre-D stage (won't know until she drops the bomb) so your're ahead of me in that respect.
Read Hearts Blessing's stuff and use the DB stuff. I think in combo that's the best thing. If you're going to stand, you're going to have to endure. Time to toughen up (easier said than done, I'm sure your mind and emotions are racing).

I'll keep an eye out for your posts and stick with ya. You need a friend (and I do too). smile

-SoloFlex

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JayR, first sorry you are here. yes this stuff is very difficult. We can help.

Couple of early observations. First, read up on WW (wayward wives). sandi has written extensively on this subject. Your wife is WW. She sounds a lot like mine was. Wanting the party, dating lifestyle, but still coming around to play "family". sandi's writings are awesome for learning how to deal with WWs.

I will give you a little preview. It is all about respect. Everything stems from that. So start acting in way that demand respect. And splitting time with her in the marital home ain't it. Move back in full time. Tell her she is free to stay where ever she wants. She will yell, scream, complain, cry, plead and beg. Stand your ground. Listen and validate (see the validation thread). She will hate you. But she WILL respect you.

Also, I am seeing a lot of excuses. DBing is tough enough when you are all in. But when you start making excuses for yourself, it become impossible. "I can't detach because......." JUST DETACH. Detachment is about being emotionally consistent. I see you talking about reacting to her talking about dating. Stop that. Even if she comes to you and says she was in gangbang with 100 guys, it should roll off your back like water off a duck. Same with GAL. Drop the excuses. Just go out and do it. If your friends are busy, MAKE new ones.

" I don’t know how much I should engage with her,"

Easy, don't engage with her. When she engages with you, listen and validate. You should be avoiding all now logistical discussions with her like the plague.

JayR, do this one favor for yourself. When you feel the urge to "talk" to her, come here. If she engages with you with R talks remember this line: "Sorry, I have a lot to think through. I will need some time to consider all of it." Then disengage. When you are in doubt about what to do or how proceed, come here and ask. We are there to help. We've been through it.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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Originally Posted by Steve85
JayR, do this one favor for yourself. When you feel the urge to "talk" to her, come here. If she engages with you with R talks remember this line: "Sorry, I have a lot to think through. I will need some time to consider all of it." Then disengage. When you are in doubt about what to do or how proceed, come here and ask. We are there to help. We've been through it.
Agree.

Most LBH want to "fix" this by talking. Talking never helps during this phase. Listening and validating with your full attention and full eye contact.


W:"H, we need to talk"

H:"I am listening"

W"Bla bla bla"

H:"I understand you feel that way"

W"Bla bla bla"

H:"I am sorry you feel that way"


W"Bla bla bla"

H:"It must be hard to feel that way"

W"Bla bla bla"
"I will need some time to consider all of it."

W"Bla bla bla"

H:"I need to continue with what I was doing. goodby"

W"Bla bla bla!!!"




"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Thank you all very much. Very good advice. I can't tell you how much your help means to me. It is so, so nice to not feel completely alone in this. Some more info below, so please let me know your additional thoughts. Thanks!

SoTorn -

I'm still not convinced there is a OM at the moment, but I take your points about focusing on myself and my kids and stop making decisions based on my wife's reactions. I really like this: every decision you make needs to be something that either betters you or makes you happy.

Fortunately, my wife hasn't turned me in to enemy No. 1, at least not yet. She blames me for her "having" to leave and is way overly negative about our 20 years together, but she has been largely kind and trying to work with me on everything from kids to finances to housing, as long as she doesn't feel I'm trying to manipulate her or punish her. At the same time, she really wants me to accept that our marriage is over, and she has offered to get a D if I want that in order to eliminate any confusion. I obviously don't want that, and it would be pretty disastrous for me financially (she hasn't worked most of our marriage, so on my lawyer's advice, I'm way better off avoiding D). Instead, I'm trying to show her that I am moving on and will be happy doing so.

SoloFlex and Steve85 -

I should clarify something. My wife is definitely not out partying or dating or trying to reclaim her youth in those ways. She spends most of her time with the kids, at work, and alone reading or talking to her best friend (female) and trying to get her life in order. She is very depressed and full of anxiety, I think based on guilt over this decision, so she has put on some weight, drinks too much, hasn't been exercising and feels pretty miserable. She just yesterday said she desperately needs to go on a retreat alone for a week to meditate, eat well, stop drinking, and get healthy. She is also severely hormonal due to a condition called PMDD, and she is peri-menopausal but can't take estrogen due to increased cancer risk. All of this she recognizes is making her unable to function very well. Doesn't change my approach because she still says she needs to be fully free to regain her self-esteem, but I think it's relevant.

In any event, I am avoiding all talks about our R and not pursuing her. I'm trying to stay busy and generally avoid her altogether. When she calls, I usually don't pick up, and when she presses to talk about something related to the kids, I keep the conversation brief, friendly and put on my best positive face/voice. She definitely notices how great I sound and has said so more than once.

Steve85 -

I definitely hear you about making excuses. I've been dong just that with GAL and detachment as you called out. I am working hard on both, and I have better days and worse days, but I will keep at it.

Avoiding all logistical discussions is not really possible because we have three kids with busy daily schedules and summer plans that need to be made, ongoing financial decisions that we both need to be involved in, and we need to move out of our main house in a month. We are looking for another large house for the kids, and I will insist that I live there, but that will be a source of conflict because she will want to live there too. Her idea is for her and me to split a small second home where she will go 3 nights a week, and I will go the other 3 nights, and we will stay with the kids together (in separate bedrooms) the 1 additional night, so we can have family time. We live in the most expensive part of the country for housing, so we cannot afford two full size houses. If we can't agree on this plan, she says she will get a loan from her brother to get her and the kids a large enough house that I would then not need to pay for, and I can live wherever I want, and we can send the kids back and forth, which neither of us wants for them. It will be extremely costly for me to get a large enough house on my own while she does the same. The loan from her brother would just add to our overall financial burden long term so is only a short term solution.

Despite the practical details mentioned above, I will do everything not to engage about our R and to just validate and not respond. Your line about needing to think through things and consider it all is brilliant!

Ready -

Thanks for the validation tips. I've read the cheat sheet and already started using it with much better results than engaging in the conversation.

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There may not be an OM. However, prepare yourself for the possibility. I never in a million years thought my EXWW would cheat on me. But her behavior was exactly as yours is now. I wasn't the enemy until I confirmed her PA.

But before then, it was all my fault. They rewrite history. They catastrophize everything. "You never helped with the kids" "You never let me do this" "you never paid the bills" "you never washed the dishes" "I always coordinated birthdays" "you never gave me attention" "you never listened to me" "you never INSERT TWISTING OF HISTORY HERE". My EXWW was still cordial and working with me on parenting, paying the bills etc. It was like our MR was fine, as long as I wasn't romantically involved with her. AKA I was plan B.

That is how they justify themselves. Also, an affair doesnt just need to be physical. They could be texting or talking on the phone or computer to someone and having an emotional affair. Just keep an eye out for the possibility. Usually a WAS wants out fast because they have someone else. They also surround themselves with like minded people. Other WAS and women that are D and or poly.

Someone posts here often with a saying that describes the WAS. "A monkey never jumps from a branch until there is another branch available".


M:16
T:21
H(me) 38
WW: 38
S11 D16 D19
Red Flags of A: March 2018
ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018
Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018
BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018
D Filed: March 27, 2019
Joined: Feb 2018
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Likes: 226
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Originally Posted by JayR1964
Thank you all very much. Very good advice. I can't tell you how much your help means to me. It is so, so nice to not feel completely alone in this. Some more info below, so please let me know your additional thoughts. Thanks!

SoTorn -

I'm still not convinced there is a OM at the moment, but I take your points about focusing on myself and my kids and stop making decisions based on my wife's reactions. I really like this: every decision you make needs to be something that either betters you or makes you happy.

Fortunately, my wife hasn't turned me in to enemy No. 1, at least not yet. She blames me for her "having" to leave and is way overly negative about our 20 years together, but she has been largely kind and trying to work with me on everything from kids to finances to housing, as long as she doesn't feel I'm trying to manipulate her or punish her. At the same time, she really wants me to accept that our marriage is over, and she has offered to get a D if I want that in order to eliminate any confusion. I obviously don't want that, and it would be pretty disastrous for me financially (she hasn't worked most of our marriage, so on my lawyer's advice, I'm way better off avoiding D). Instead, I'm trying to show her that I am moving on and will be happy doing so.

SoloFlex and Steve85 -

I should clarify something. My wife is definitely not out partying or dating or trying to reclaim her youth in those ways. She spends most of her time with the kids, at work, and alone reading or talking to her best friend (female) and trying to get her life in order. She is very depressed and full of anxiety, I think based on guilt over this decision, so she has put on some weight, drinks too much, hasn't been exercising and feels pretty miserable. She just yesterday said she desperately needs to go on a retreat alone for a week to meditate, eat well, stop drinking, and get healthy. She is also severely hormonal due to a condition called PMDD, and she is peri-menopausal but can't take estrogen due to increased cancer risk. All of this she recognizes is making her unable to function very well. Doesn't change my approach because she still says she needs to be fully free to regain her self-esteem, but I think it's relevant.

In any event, I am avoiding all talks about our R and not pursuing her. I'm trying to stay busy and generally avoid her altogether. When she calls, I usually don't pick up, and when she presses to talk about something related to the kids, I keep the conversation brief, friendly and put on my best positive face/voice. She definitely notices how great I sound and has said so more than once.

Steve85 -

I definitely hear you about making excuses. I've been dong just that with GAL and detachment as you called out. I am working hard on both, and I have better days and worse days, but I will keep at it.

Avoiding all logistical discussions is not really possible because we have three kids with busy daily schedules and summer plans that need to be made, ongoing financial decisions that we both need to be involved in, and we need to move out of our main house in a month. We are looking for another large house for the kids, and I will insist that I live there, but that will be a source of conflict because she will want to live there too. Her idea is for her and me to split a small second home where she will go 3 nights a week, and I will go the other 3 nights, and we will stay with the kids together (in separate bedrooms) the 1 additional night, so we can have family time. We live in the most expensive part of the country for housing, so we cannot afford two full size houses. If we can't agree on this plan, she says she will get a loan from her brother to get her and the kids a large enough house that I would then not need to pay for, and I can live wherever I want, and we can send the kids back and forth, which neither of us wants for them. It will be extremely costly for me to get a large enough house on my own while she does the same. The loan from her brother would just add to our overall financial burden long term so is only a short term solution.

Despite the practical details mentioned above, I will do everything not to engage about our R and to just validate and not respond. Your line about needing to think through things and consider it all is brilliant!

Ready -

Thanks for the validation tips. I've read the cheat sheet and already started using it with much better results than engaging in the conversation.


Sorry, my part had s typo and should have read you should be avoiding all but logistical discussions. Keep it business like and on point.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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How right you are SoTorn. My wife and I met yesterday to discuss kids’ summer plans, which went well. I maintained a PMA, was presenting a positive, confident air. In fact, at one point, she asked if I thought we could stop the separation now and revisit it when our daughter goes to college (3 years from now). I asked if she really wanted my answer, and she said she did. So I told her that I thought that would be a very good idea on several levels, but I wouldn’t want to do that if she felt she was only doing it due to the practical difficulties with the separation, or if she would feel she’d given up on her needs so would fall further into despair or weak self-esteem. She said she would worry that I wouldn’t respect her or care about her needs (ongoing themes in her criticism of me). I offered to attend weekly MC with her to be sure we stay on top of those concerns week by week. We didn’t make any decisions, but I took it as an encouraging sign, although I tried to keep it in perspective and assume the pendulum would shift in the other direction soon.

We went to dinner, had a few drinks, and she started reasserting her usual complaints about me and our marriage. I tried to change the subject and avoid discussion about our MR, but that was difficult. Eventually, she became a bit agitated, mainly because I wasn’t really engaging, and she said she needed to leave because she wanted to stop drinking and was going to meet a girlfriend with her personal trainer at 6:30am and wanted to feel well rested. She went to the small, temporary house, and I went home to take care of the kids. She also mentioned how bad she felt for our youngest because he’s been asking for her to come home.

About 30 minutes later, I was trying to tuck him into bed when he asked if we could call him mom to say goodnight. I tried calling and texting multiple times but received no response, which was very odd since she knew our son was nervous about her being away. Once I got him down, I left to go see if she was at the other house. My teenagers were home to watch the little one.

When I got to the other house, I saw the window shades were open and my wife was talking to someone. I glanced inside and saw the male “childhood friend” she’s been back in touch with since asking to separate. I couldn’t stop myself, so I walked in and confronted them. He was very friendly, but I told him I knew he’d slept with my wife. He looked completely perplexed and said he didn’t know what I was talking about. My wife also said that she’s told me previously they didn’t have sex. He admitted they got really drunk one night, and kissed a bit but said it was a total mistake, he doesn’t see my wife in that way, and he apologized. He also said he’s been encouraging her to work on her marriage and preserve her family. My wife was very uneasy and kept saying he’s not attracted to her like that (not that she’s not attracted to him), and they’re like siblings. So, I raised the 15-20 emails I’d read from my wife expressing her deep live for him and her thrill after they had sex. He was completely flummoxed! He was very adamant they had no such relationship and confronted her about this weird fantasy she’s been having. She told us both to leave, and he clearly wanted to, so we went outside, and he came over to me again say he has no idea what she’s been saying or feeling, but that they’ve never been intimate and he very much doesn’t feel that way about her. He was very sincere, and this corresponds with what I’ve determined myself.

Apparently, unlike an EA or a PA, my wife has been experiencing a total fantasy A. She wants this guy to want her and have feelings for her, but he doesn’t, which is also what my wife’s best friend told me. He looked shocked and said she seemed crazy. Later after I got home, I sent him a few of her emails where she described them having sex in detail and her deep love for him. He read them and responded that he thinks she needs serious mental help. He couldn’t believe her emails. I said I didn’t want to embarrass her, but I’m worried about her, and I wanted him to know how she views their relationship. He was completely floored. He said he’s completely out of life and wants nothing to do with her madness anymore. I know they talked to about 90 minutes after he read the emails, and then today he texted me to say he feels he’s been a huge distraction to her trying to figure out her life (unknowingly), and he’s told her to have no further contact with him. He’s blocked her from his phone and doesn’t want to be involved anymore in her marital issues. I do believe him. He’s also offered to meet with me at anytime to tell me anything I want to know about their relationship and really hopes we can work things out and stay together.

The problem I have (well, at least one of them) is that when all hell broke loose last night, and she kicked us both out and demanded we leave, she soon came rushing out of the door and went to him as he was getting into his car. She pleaded with him not to throw away 40 years of friendship. I walked up and said I noted how she’d run to him and his car instead of to her f*@%king husband, and the other guy agreed with me and told her so. I texted her soon after that that moment told me all I needed to know about where her heart truly is.

Fast forward to early this morning, and sure enough, I received a couple texts saying she hates me (and the other guy), and neither of us deserve her. She’s absolutely full of hate for me right now because I’ve effectively exposed her fantasy to the object of her affection, and he wants nothing to do with her. It really freaked him out. She’s bitter that I’ve now ruined her “Plan A” even though that was never, ever realistic.

I felt better finally knowing the truth about their relationship, and I’m relieved I’ve ensured the OM gets the hell away from our MR, but I’m pretty sure I’ve sealed my fate as her enemy No. 1. Frankly, I’d rather be that and have my self respect than be Plan B snooping on her phone bills, etc. Today, I’ve been following the rules for WW to a tee, avoiding all contact, not engaging in conversation, etc., but she’s doing the same in her anger.

Quite a soap opera with plenty of whiplash from the ups and downs yesterday. Sorry for the long posts, but this is such a complicated situation and remains very fluid.

Appreciate any guidance on where I go from here. Thanks again!

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