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I can relate to your feelings

I felt so much shame around my XH MLC and abandonment
It was so hard to even think about telling anyone the truth --until I did
therapy helped a lot


Once the shame is out of the bag it dissolves, and unfortunately MLC is everywhere so people understand

I was so concerned about the failure of my M at the time and being judged
then the same thing happened to my cousin and I could reach out to her with understanding-

My friends would be amazed at the way I handled my xh at the time and could not understand my compassion and forgiveness-and willingness to restore if possible-


Hang in there-
you are doing really well- even though you cant see it yet


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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Nyla79 Offline OP
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Argh, I need to post again.

Why is it that in the first few weeks after BD I was a complete mess, and then kind of got myself together again and was sure that I was going to make this work. Now after my parents visited me last week, I've become more of a mess again. My mum thinks I should let go and forget about my husband and I'm only hurting myself if I wait for him. She says I can never truly forgive him. It actually got to the point during my mums visit that I had to ask her to leave my house and go and stay at my sisters. Her "support" only made me feel worse. She thinks I should be angry at my husband and show it to him too. She doesn't understand what midlife crisis is and I got tired of explaining it to her.

Husband called yesterday and said he wants to get together because we need to talk about some things. He said he would call today and we can set up a time to meet. I'm always a bit worried when he wants to talk. He's not mean to me, but I'm always worried that there's going to be another bombdrop, even though nothing could be worse than what I've already heard. Except maybe if the OW is moving here to be with him.

I miss my husband and my best friend and detaching and not being in contact is soooo hard. I've bought MIcheles book Divorce Remedy but it still hasn't arrived, so I'm desperately waiting for it. Even though I know I have a long road ahead, I'm still so impatient.

Can there be milder MLC's? Because my husband has a lot of symptoms, but he's not mean to me or hateful, like he was in the beginning right after BD. And it has only been 3 months. Whenever I call him (only about kids etc) if he can't answer he always apologises when he calls me back. That one time when we talked on the phone and he wanted to separate our finances, the next time he called he apologised for the conversation and that it turned weird. (Even though no one got upset during the conversation) He wants to take care of the kids. I just don't know. He confuses me.

Also about not contacting, should I contact him more since he seems to be ok with me calling or texting him? Like today if he doesn't call me about getting together, should I call him? In our marriage we texted and called each other a lot, and I think we were both equal in it, but maybe he initiated more contact, so should I now pursue him more, as I've only let him be for now.

I wish this was simpler...


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Hi Nyla,

This MLC thing is called a rollercoaster ride, that is exactly what it is. Trying to explain MLC to relatives and friends is futile.

Unless they go through it themselves either as the one in crisis or the LBS, they won’t understand.

3 months in and you are at the very start of this ride. My H came home nearly two and a half years later. I didn’t hear from him for a year and probably wouldn’t have for a lot longer but for me being diagnosed with breast cancer.

We were in touch for over a year before returning. I found that year of NC easier and used that time to reflect and work on myself. I’m still doing that and always will.

I really wouldn’t contact him if he doesn’t show. I know it’s hard but honestly only do so in emergencies.

Let him get on with his journey and let him do all the leg work.

If you want him to eventually return, how you conduct yourself is paramount and pursuing him is a definite no no.

You will get through this, I promise.

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Hi again,

Its been a week or so since I posted... I think I'm starting to feel better about myself... starting to see the wood for the trees so to speak....I started seeing a Psychotherapist on Monday last... I had a good cry.. which helped a lot... He told me to feel my pain and anger.. which is where I am at the minute - ANGRY... He wondered why I spoke so kindly about my H... after what he did and when he left, just after a miscarriage.I suppose, I understand that he is going through a MLC... and the person that is there now is not the person I married.......But at the same time I want to detach completely from him... let him go.. But I cannot get the picture of him and the OW out of my head...He has spoken respectfully to me, apologises for doing this to me, I dont deserve it etc.....''loves me'' just not ''in' love... How can I turn my thoughts away from them... I imagine them all happy and having a great time together and it just drives me crazy... I need help to get those thoughts out of my head... I know I cant fix him, but I feel like I hate for him for being with someone else...

It is a very hard place to be.. he feeling of rejection....I know on every level I deserve better...

Any words of wisdom...

Louise..

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I'm here again. My H just came by, he said he wanted to talk about the kids and finances.

As soon as he came in I knew he wanted to have sex, and weak as I am, it did lead to it. Even though he was saying that we should stop and this shouldn't happen again. He was the one who initiated it.

After what happened he got up and said that we need to talk about the kids, and that he feels he should tell them that he is seeing another girl, firstly because they hear him talking to her on the phone. And I said that he should make sure they don't hear him then. And then I asked what the secondly was and he said he doesn't want to talk about it I asked him to tell me since he started and then he told me that the girl is moving here. She's actually moving from Germany to Spain to be with him!!! What is wrong with these people?!? And she's moving in with him.

I said that he needs to leave, and that I will talk to him about this when I don't feel so emotional about it.

I was kind of expecting it, but hoping that I was wrong. In a way I hope that this relationship will die off faster when she moves here, but at the same time, how can I stand for our marriage if he moves in with this girl? What do I teach my daughters if I just wait for him to come to his senses? That a man can treat you any way he wants to and you just sit and wait? And her moving here, what are the chances he will come to his senses?

And why the heck did he want to have sex with me before telling me this???


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Me 39 H44
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BD 3/19
Separation 3/19
H filed for D 4/19
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The answers to your question of why he would want sex with you is....

1 he’s a man

2 it’s called cake eating

Please, put your boundaries in place and do not let him do that again.

It’s just sex to him and while you let him cake eat, he keeps you right where he wants you. On the back burner.

I’ve been there.

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One of the most important things is your health. If he is seeing someone else, please, please make an appointment and get yourself checked out. You do not have any idea if he is passing on the gift that keeps on giving. No more sex w/him until he is back home for good and has been checked out by a doctor.

Cake eating is very easy for them, but it keeps us confused and right where they left us. He wants to know that you are still there waiting for him and that is called Plan B. You are more than Plan B....you are the Queen and should not allow this man any more cake. If he wants to eat cake, then he'll need to get it from his affair partner, not you.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Good Morning Nyla

Why did he want sex with you? Other than the stereotypical idea...he has sex because he wanted it. These MLCer follow their emotions. They are mixed up, change from minute to minute, confused, lost in reality, morals, relationships, etc... My W has sex also because she wanted it; it just wasn’t with me.

My W did initiate sex before BD, while she was secretly seeing her boyfriend. Regardless of gender, having your spouse betray you - hurts! I do remember how deeply that cuts the loving LBS. (((Nyla)))

Nyla, put a stop the cake eating. You are worth much more than that. And you are a lot stronger than you feel. Make this boundary rock solid.

Currently, H is not invested in the marriage. So he doesn’t get you. You are not just sitting around waiting for him. You are moving forward.

What do you teach your daughters? Understanding, kindness, compassion, empathy, and forgiveness. You show them how to be strong, and it’s ok to be weak. You show them how to let go without vengeance. You show them hope, you show them love. You show them how to be a strong stable woman. You show them you.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Yes I knew it was stupid even before it happened, I just couldn't help myself because I wanted it too.

I have now called him and told him we need to continue the talk we started. We planned to meet up tomorrow or Sunday, and when we do, I will tell him that this will not be happening anymore. I mean he was saying it yesterday, but I will state my boundary with him tomorrow.

As the OW moving in, I don't really care, in a way. I'm just concerned about the kids and how they will react to it. But maybe this will make more sense to them when they find out. I'm still amazed about what kind of a person moves their whole life for a married mand with 3 kids...

DnJ <3 I think I'm falling for you a little bit, you have such a way with words. laugh


On BD
Me 39 H44
D14 D12 S10
M19 T19
BD 3/19
Separation 3/19
H filed for D 4/19
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Nyla

Please forgive yourself-and let it go
try not to put yourself in that position
meet him outside the home to talk or by phone
We will make many mistakes on the MLC journey-just learn from it

I would ask for time to allow the children to work through the separation b4 introducing them to OW

I would ask if he could pick the kids up on his visits
(I think they are young?) and bring them home
or visit them at the house and you go out
without OW present for now

AS for ow- I believe the MLCer lies to them as well-

Here he is having sex with you while OW is on her way to live with him
not sure how OW would feel about her new man cheating already
so he is not accountable to anyone.
They are usually people with very low standards, self worth or psych or addiction issues
I would want to protect my children if possible from OW-

some woman also do not see anything wrong with dating a married man-
especially if the man tells them some stories about being separated or D-


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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