Rooney, I like your plan to move back in and take back the mbr. But here is the thing, you should do this only when you are are calm, cool, and collected. Take time to process everything so that when you go to do that you are able to do so without anger. That you do it in a detached but firm way. When she screams, please, yells, and attacks you verbally, you listen and validate.
Other vets will have some great advice here for you. Give them time (it's the weekend) and take a few days to process everything mentally and emotionally.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Sorry for the new developments you’ve got there Rooney. As AS said, it was one of the worst outcomes possible but what does it change anyway? From W perspective any harsh movement would just be more oxygen to the fire. Take your time. You need to keep DB. Many of us believe that once a DBer always a DBer from that on.
W is not living a fairy tale life anyway. I was there, inside that fog. There’s no safe place to take cover. And you can’t rescue her. She must do her own recovery. But first she must acknowledge that. So what can you control there? Only yourself. Go for that.
Take the time for yourself. Try to really enjoy the incoming days with D9 and keep working on detachment. Train your mind to avoid certain thoughts. It’s hard, I know. That’s why GAL is that very much needed. GAL with D9 and your S and then GAL when you are on your own. GAL, GAL, GAL.
Respect is the first thing to get back. Set some new boundaries regarding the broken agreement. But only if you’re into the right state of mind. You don’t confront W about the news. You just inform her that you know. So new rules must be applied.
Stand strong there Rooney. There’s nothing new in your sitch that differs from what you can find here man. But this fight is yours. An the one to fight is the old Rooney. Start getting into the new one. Amoafwl. Start moving for that goal. W must feel the loss of the renewed R. It’s gonna be her loss.
Sending you a big hug man! (((R)))
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Hi Rooney, I hope you can find a little peace for yourself this weekend. Obviously, you feel the emotional pressure about everything going on with your W. You feel indecisive about the next move to make......which I think most people here could empathize with your situation.
IMHO, you should do nothing this weekend but enjoy D9.
I've been quite regarding you moving back and reclaiming the MBR, but since you asked, I'll give my perspective. From the viewpoint of a WW, it has already been adequately describe, which is she will probably go batsh't crazy. I don't know her and don't know how physical she gets when she is irate, but I have read some wild stories of WW's reactions to being put out of the MBR. Your W thinks she has you by your b@lls, b/c she got you to leave the house, so she is not expecting to see you waltz back through the door.
Before you attempt to reclaim your home (much less the MBR), you need to have plenty of confidence in what you are doing and why you are doing it. You need to have a plan that goes further than just getting inside the house. She may huff & puff and may threaten to call the cops, etc. I've seen some WW's make false accusations about the H to the police, so you have to be very careful not to show any type of aggression toward her. If you attempt to move her things out of the MBR.....I think she'll see that action as aggressive. There's just something about the WW not wanting to give up that MBR! IDK how she'll react, but I've seen some WW's declare war on the H who took that sort of action. However, I don't know your W, I'm just saying what I have seen. Some H's have moved back home, without too much drama. I mean, the WW didn't like it, but beyond the expected huffing & blowing and some threats.....that was about it.
I don't want you having any illusions that moving back into the house will save your M. You won't lose it, due to moving back, either. I just want you to clearly understand that if you decide to go home, then do it from a standpoint of being the faithful husband.........whose W has deceived, lied, and cheated on him.
You can expect her to tell you that she had been considering reconciliation, but now you have ruined everything. It's just her way of lashing out.....but if that's the worst of it, you'll be lucky.
The main person to consider in all of this is D9. Will she witness a terrible fight between her parents, see mom throw a big fit.....scream & throw things? Perhaps choosing a time when D9 is not there to see her mom's reaction, would be best?
You can't go home and be a wuss. Know what I mean? If you are going back to reclaim what is rightfully yours, then walk through the front door like a man.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you everyone for your replies. This is community astounds me and it means a lot to receive it’s support, wisdom and advice.
I’ve enjoyed D’s company today - she is a wonderful kid - thoughtful, bright and emotionally intelligent. She has told me that, although she likes being at home rather than here “because it is, you know...home”, she feels lonely because she spends all her time in a different room to W and she would rather be with her friends and family. It breaks my heart.
This weekend will be for her and she already seems happier, less insular and more relaxed. I have a lot of thinking, planning and deciding to do and at the moment and I don’t yet know where to start. I have time and do not need to do anything rash right now. As most have you have said, I cannot react and be emotional about this. I must continue to detach, GAL, breathe and be patient and any action must come from a different place that I am not currently in. I still have some time in this apartment and I should use it wisely.
My basic feelings are still that I am the only responsible adult in this family and yet I have allowed myself to be manipulated, bullied, controlled and tossed aside. For her to indefinitely continue to cake eat while I soak up all the negative consequences is offensive, hideously selfish and unacceptable. Me leaving was done in (badly placed, NGS) good faith, not to enable A and the emotional abandonment and destruction of my family. Whether the end result of this is D (very likely) doesn’t seem to be my primary concern at the moment. Maybe that is a good thing, even for someone who believes in DB...maybe that is part of the point of DB...
It is often said here, that inaction is an action in itself. You said yourself that this hurts like hell (and it does) but it won't always. Get to a place of calm then make a decision.
Is there anyway you could spend more time with D. You mention your W is not that interested in being a mom.
Originally Posted by Rooney
My basic feelings are still that I am the only responsible adult in this family and yet I have allowed myself to be manipulated, bullied, controlled and tossed aside.
There is a lot of anger and resentment in the above. And I get it. I was there too. But, until you step away you will not be able to get past this and move forward. As you said, breath and be patient. You will get there. Until then, be the responsible adult. If your W won't step up, then you be both parents. Your child deserves it.
My youngest is 9. What she needs is to feel secure and loved, preferably by both parents. You can't make your W be a good mom, but you can make sure you are the best dad you can possibly be. Little things, like calling every night you are not with them at the same time (routine) lets them know that no-matter what you are doing and where you are, she is in your thoughts, taking the time to ask the questions about her day so she knows she matters, and when you are with her, be present. The last is truly one of the things that has come out of my sitch which has been positive. When I am with my children I am with my children - because I don't have to worry about anything else (I do everything else when I am not with them).
It is often said here, that inaction is an action in itself. You said yourself that this hurts like hell (and it does) but it won't always. Get to a place of calm then make a decision
The weekend has been ’interesting’ to say the least! Thanks for asking...
Trying to take some time to process everything that I have learned and everything that has happened - feels like a rollercoaster that I cannot get off. It really is challenging the core me. I need to find my core happiness and calm again and make any decisions from there. I don’t know how long this will take but I think W will start asking to meet up and talk about ‘the future’ soon. That future will no doubt include D, and I need to get a steer on what she thinks she wants.
I really want the opportunity to tell her how I feel and to point out the well worn path she is taking, the destruction it causes, and that she will not find any lasting happiness down there. In the dead of night, she must know this is the truth but lashes out at all around because she will not face up to her deep rooted problems. She still has a loving H and family that is willing to stick by her to sort her problems but they cannot fix the problems for her. To continue to run from them will just hurt all those around her. I doubt saying any of this will help my sitch really as her heart is obviously still stone cold and elsewhere.
Any decision I do make seems to be impossible to weigh up at the moment. Taking into account of D9 against any actions of moving back feels to be impossible. How can possibly make it? What is it I want other than something I can’t have? Too much emotion...
Quote
Is there anyway you could spend more time with D. You mention your W is not that interested in being a mom.
I could suggest seeing her more often in the week but she normally has activities on that begin before I get home from work. I could possibly see her on one other night in the week which I might be able to turn into an overnight. At the moment, she doesn’t like spending too much time away from home because ‘it doesn’t feel like home’. This place has always been temporary and isn’t big enough for it to feel like home for her and, although it breaks my heart, I don’t want to force her to spend time here when she feels safe (albeit lonely) at home. Whether this is the right attitude is hard to gauge at the moment.
Quote
There is a lot of anger and resentment in the above. And I get it. I was there too. But, until you step away you will not be able to get past this and move forward
Yes, and that’s why I don’t feel like I can make any decisions yet. How did you get to a place where you were detached enough to make any path forward? I don’t see how it can be anything other than time and patience and the path itself will become clear.
Quote
Until then, be the responsible adult. If your W won't step up, then you be both parents. Your child deserves it.
When I am with her I ensure she feels loved and cherished and try to make sure the time is always quality. She seems to respond well as she becomes more open and positive but the underlying sadness she obviously feels breaks my heart.
Quote
Little things, like calling every night you are not with them at the same time (routine) lets them know that no-matter what you are doing and where you are, she is in your thoughts, taking the time to ask the questions about her day so she knows she matters, and when you are with her, be present
I need to do better with this. It has been haphazard. I must do better. Thanks for reiterating the importance of it.
I need to look after myself. I haven’t eaten well this weekend and my appetite hasn’t been there. I must GAL beavilty this week - trying to plan to see friends and family every day. W will doubt ask if I read her message about wanting to ‘look to the future’....something I don’t feel I am in a place to see.
I must read your sitch ST as I’m guessing you have been in a similar place to me fairly recently.
At the moment, she doesn’t like spending too much time away from home because ‘it doesn’t feel like home’. This place has always been temporary and isn’t big enough for it to feel like home for her and, although it breaks my heart, I don’t want to force her to spend time here when she feels safe (albeit lonely) at home. Whether this is the right attitude is hard to gauge at the moment.
One of the things I insisted on (and he adhered to) when my H moved out was he made room for our children in his new flat. They have (a shared) bedroom which is decorated with flowers and butterflies. D9 has a box of toys, some she took from here, others he has bought her over the past year. There are pictures of the children EVERYWHERE. When he first moved in he took them shopping so they could help him decorate. It is not home, but he has done everything he can to make it feel like home. His flat is far from a bachelors flat. In fact, he has little fairies housed in the rafters in his living room and fair lights around the pillars.
Make your flat a place D9 wants to go. Also, D9 will sometimes say she wants to stay in the house and we (her dad and I) will insist that she goes anyway. Not because I don't want her with me (in fact it kills me whenever my children leave) but because they need to spend time with her dad. Make spending time with you something to look forward to. On their first night with their dad the put on face masks and played board games. He make them pancakes in the morning and cooks them their favourite foods (spaghetti or steak - so not too difficult for him). He takes them places. He sits and watches movies with them. TBH - I have so much respect for him as a dad. A lot of fathers could take a page out of my H's book.
Originally Posted by Rooney
How did you get to a place where you were detached enough to make any path forward? I don’t see how it can be anything other than time and patience and the path itself will become clear.
Honestly, I don't know. I am not sure I am detached. I know I am not angry. I know that his actions don't effect me. I know I don't care anymore what he does or who he does it with. I only care that he is a good parent. And he is. Everything else is just noise.
Time and patience yes. But also, be willing to take a long hard look at yourself and take responsibility for the things that went wrong in your M. No-one is 100% responsible for the breakdown of a marriage. It happens over years, and we all contributed. If they are 100% responsible, then we are 100% responsible for allowing it to happen. Once you can look at your marriage objectively, you will realise that you are neither the victim or the villain. And then you can forgive. You will not be detached unless you can forgive.
The things that worked for me ... living in the present. Taking notice of the things around me. Challenging my mind and my body (I have done lots of solo holidays over the last year) and when those things aren't available, watching stand up comedy.
Make your flat a place D9 wants to go. Also, D9 will sometimes say she wants to stay in the house and we (her dad and I) will insist that she goes anyway.
This place was always temporary. My W basically led me on to say I would be back soon enough after some time to heal her wounds. I didn’t realise it was all just a way to control me and ‘let me down gently’. I’ve done my best in the single bedroom to make her feel at home when she is here but it isn’t somewhere I can continue to be anyway. Whether I decide to move home or to a place where she has space to call her own is the question. We are doing things that we like together and trying new things. I’m ruing to teach her to cook which is helping her try new food.
Quote
Time and patience yes. But also, be willing to take a long hard look at yourself and take responsibility for the things that went wrong in your M. No-one is 100% responsible for the breakdown of a marriage
There is no doubt I have played my part in getting where we are. The difference is that I am willing to put he work in to fix it and become a better person for a better marriage and a happier family. W is not. She would seemingly prefer to destroy her family. I could deal with it if we’d have tried and failed to fix M but we haven’t even tried. It was just BD then ‘temp’ S and now likely D. It is crushingly difficult to accept let alone forgive.
Quote
The things that worked for me
Breathing and exercise help me. I’d like to challenge myself more - that is something D9 and I should do together. I’m not particularly religious, but it also seems to help. Serious belly laughs do seem to be one of the best ways to get rid of the pain too,
Good to hear your weekend was good and that you did not do something you would regret when your emotions were high. This is horrible but you will heal with time. Stay strong!
I’m glad I didn’t react. I now need to recenter and detach. I do not know what I am going to do yet. D9 makes any decision difficult.
W obviously wants to talk about a future where we are D. The next step may be to listen to what she has in mind and go from there.
Until I can get my head around not ever having an opportunity to R, any further detachment will be hard. It will take a lot of strength and patience - things that feel like they are in short supply at the moment...
