I would slow down, take some time to think about what you want to do. Confronting her when you are emotional never works out. Instead of going over there, take a side trip to a lake and think. Or go for a walk.
Here is the deal, read the list, read what others have posted.
One of my biggest regrets when I got the "ILYBNILWY" line was I moved into our basement bedroom, I had my suspicions of her affair, but nothing was concrete. Looking back, I was way to placid. Instead, I should have forced her out of the master bedroom, tossed her stuff into the spare room and been done with it. Keep saying this to yourself like a mantra...
She is leaving you. She is breaking up your family. She is seeing someone else for god knows how long. She is self-destructing. She is the cause of all of this.
Why let her actions control yours? I am not an expert, but I KNOW if I wouldn't have left the master bedroom, things would have ended differently to some extent. I can say this though, if you DO go do this, make sure you are sober. I would consider getting a tape recorder or record the day on your phone. Wayward wives are all insane, especially in when there is an affair going on, you need to be protected. I would even consider bringing a 3rd party there, just to keep the peace and make SURE the kids do not listen to her bashing you (which will happen). Just take deep breaths, do not engage in anger, but lay down the terms. "This is our house. What you are doing is not ok. You can leave our house if you like, but I will not. etc." Good luck, it's 12:30 am here, I will try to stay awake if you need me. You got this.
Me: 38 W: 32 S10 D6 T: 10 (02/2004) M: 7 (12/2007) Separation 02/2015 OM confirmed 01/2015, D mentioned 12/2014 D finalized 9/2016
The phone recording is a good idea. A 3rd party would also be good but, at this point, I am unsure who that should be.
The mantra you lay out is correct - whatever faults I have as a husband and as a person, my family and I do not deserve to be treated in this way. She is on some self destructive path where the grass looks greener and doesn’t give a damn about anyone else. This is not acceptable behaviour. She has emotionally abandoned S and D for this A and my voluntary physical ‘nice guy’ abandonment is just helping to facilitate it.
I am feeling very anxious about the day so any other words from anyone else will help. I really appreciate the solidarity of this site. It is full of amazing people who are full of wisdom.
Words of W isdom are what I need to hear right now.
No expert, but if you move back in she will go batsheet crazy and if you cave in and leave again it will show you as weak . It would be a bold move that could lead either way . Saying that ,there is no chance of saving your marriage or family whilst she is in an affair. Personally I would leave it , your emotions are high and I bet you are flip flopping in your mind . Take a break , watch some comedy on tv and give yourself some time
Rooney, my H moved out over a year ago. I would give my right eye for him to say he wants to work on us.
If he came here today and ASKED to move back in, I would say "No" because it's not fair on the children if he moved back in before we had worked through our issues properly.
If he came here today and TOLD me he was moving in, I would, as TryHard so eloquently put 'go batsheet crazy'.
And I want to get back together.
How do you think your W would take it when the last thing she wants right now is to be anywhere near you.
Will this action bring you closer together or pull you further apart.
I think it would pull us further apart, but my main concern now is that my WAS/WW/mlcer has emotionally abandoned our marriage and family, is having an A, and has no interest in R, is likely to serve D very soon and I am the one who is taking the hit because I let her manipulate me and left the MH rather than her.
Maybe I just now need to take that on the chin, maybe not. I don’t know anything right now...
I know my primary concern should now be D9, but am unsure which path would be best for her right now. None of the paths are appealing...maybe that means I should do nothing right now. D is coming to stay for a couple of nights - I should probably just have the best time I can with her.
TH,
Thanks, You are probably right - leaving it and saying nothing is probably best for now.
