Been decreasing stuff on DB forums for a while. My story so far below: -
Received the ‘I need space’, ILYBIANILWY, ‘not attracted to you in that way anymore’ BD back in Feb. I responded in the typical (bad) plea, beg, cry type of way I know wasn’t good. I also responded with some validatory parts about my part in helping let the R get into the state it had. Our marriage (10) had been going through the motions for some time with a lot of a Groundhog Dayness to it. We have S18 who I adopted when 7 and met when he was 2 (there is no contact with bio D). We also have D9.
I agreed to give her space by moving to my dad’s, friends and then to a nearby flat where I am now. She basically said if I didn’t, she would and she would take the kids with her.
W has been on SSRI meds for ~4 years but has always suffered from depression. These have, imv affected her zest for life / sex drive and her character itself and recently, after her grandmothers death she increased the meds up to the max dosage. It seems possible to me that W44 is Mac.
At the time, I felt it was the right decision to move out if I wanted to save my marriage and to give W time and space to sort through her issues and concentrate on healing and exploring her underlying issues. I now regret the decision as I should have stayed and let he decide whether she wanted to follow through on her obvious threat. The Mr Nice Guy won as he usually does.
I have been trying to concentrate on myself and my own issues since moving out - working out, GALing and detaching and things have been getting easier, more relaxed, less anxious more positive about myself.
W has gone much more distant and seemingly unhappy in the last month or so. She was originally keen for us to meet and spend time for the two of us and together as a family but this seems to have gone. She isn’t keeping up with the housework and has put on weight.
A couple of days ago I came across papers from her lawyer about a meeting they had around the ins and outs of D.
I am now feeling that this whole time apart has been setup by her to get to where we are now and it has gone to plan for her. I now think I will receive papers in the not too distant future and so am exploring the idea of moving back into MH before it happens.
If anyone has any advice from a DB perspective on what to do next.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Rooney, sorry you are here, but welcome and I hope you will find it beneficial.
First, unfortunately like a lot of us, you've made a lot of mistakes already before coming here. The good news is that you can turn things.
Because of your advanced situation, with you already being out of the house and her already lawyering up, the first thing you MUST do is go talk to a lawyer. You have to know your rights and then you need guidance on reasserting your rights. Spouses can't threaten to take the kids, spouses can't "kick" a spouse out of the house. But all that might be affected by your willfully leaving the home. So talk to a lawyer first and foremost.
Second, continue the DBing. Remember some of the communication rules. 1) NO R talks. If she starts one, listen and validate. 2) Do not always answer her calls, let some of them go to voicemail. You can no longer be at her beckon call. 3) Do not respond to text messages unless it is a direct question. And then only respond with short answers, as short as possible to answer the question. Yes or no questions get yes or no answers.
Third, and most important, be the best dad you can be. Work out a custody agreement (use lawyers if necessary). You need to get 50/50 time with the kids. No matter what happens your kids need their dad.
I will reiterate to keep DBing. GAL. 180s. Detachment. Your goal should be to become a man only a fool would leave.
Good luck. Dig in for the long haul. These things are marathons...not sprints.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted by Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
It appears that legally I am entitled to move back in but I don’t feel it is the right thing to do at this stage - I don’t think it would be fair on D to get her hopes up and it would likely just escalate things between me and W.
The positive of this seems to be that I have had a premonition of what reality may look like in the near future - I don’t really think I’ve been able or willing to look beyond my current sitch without seeing the beginning of a reconciliation at the end. I have now seen the other up front.
I think I now need to stare down the fear of D and double down on the DBing and detachment. I actually think that this incident and facing down the resulting fear may help me drop the rope and become a stronger more attractive man as a result.
Steve, you have also helped remind me what is of paramount importance here - I will see W in a few days and, now that D is comfortable in my apartment, increase her number of overnights with me to what we originally agreed.
You have to look at it from a legal perspective. In my state, if one parent moves out without any legal separation or D, and without a custody agreement, that person can be held to abaondonment. To be blunt, you put yourself in a very bad situation when it comes to custody of D9 by moving out.
It may suck, but you need to move back in and stay there until you are legally ordered to leave. My EXWW tried to get me out of the home before a custody agreement. I told her there was no way I was leaving. EXWW went and spoke with a L and they confirmed that if someone moves out, the abandonment angle can be used in court.
Go talk to an L immediately and protect yourself. If you end up moving back in, yes it may piss your W off to no extent, but it will also show her that you aren't going to just lay down and give her whatever she asks for. Its time for you to work on yourself and your kids.
It looks like you have already done a bit of reading on Cadets links. Time to start DB like a madman. GAL like a madman, 180 those toxic behaviors. You got this. Its a really sh*tty situation and it hurts more than anything. You may or may not save your M. But you need to get yourself to a better place. Get yourself into a position where you know you will be fine alone.
Keep posting.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
I think you should be open to moving back in if your lawyer feels it is advantageous.
Agree.
Also ask L about legal protecting so W can't just take your child.
W:"What are doing back here bla bla" H:"I decided it is best if I am here" W:"Bla bla bla bla" H"I understand you feel that way" W"Bla bla bla bla
Take over the master bedroom. W:"WHAT ARE YOU DOING??? go sleep on the couch bla bla bla" H:"I will be sleeping here in MBR, you are free to sleep where ever you like" W"bla bla bla bla" H"I am sorry you feel that way"
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
