Crumbs and Cake

[SoloUk]

Ok thanks for the advice, will find it and send a copy. Nothing else. Even though I want to send him a message that just says if you had looked at what I suggested we wouldnt be like this. I know he doesnt care, it's all about him and his wants and I am The unreasonable one.

Really want to go I to fix it more, which is me apologising and giving in, but not this time, if I had done this fro. The beginning instead of being g reasonable and nice, tho wh says he is being nice by allowing me to stay in the house and only see the children eow and 1 evening a week.

[Traveler]

Wh iniated talk on kids meeting ow, on my weekend, said no, went mad asked wh to leave.

I'm D'd with a good co-parenting relationship. I'd make an exception to our custody schedule for a distant relative or a vacation, but never to meet some "om" or "ow". Never heard that one before!

For Mother's Day I encourage my kids to think about and make or buy something for their mom. That teaches the kids about gift-giving, holidays, and thinking of others. Okay, I like to see their mom happy, too!

I'm so sorry for where you're at. Really rotten treatment by your ex--seeing someone else AND having an intimate relationship with you at the same time. Take care.

[Ready2Change]

Another email asking for a copy of marriage certificate,

Ok thanks for the advice, will find it and send a copy.

send him a link to this site (or the one that is relivant to you):

'www.gov.uk/order-copy-birth-death-marriage-certificate'

[AnotherStander]

Even though I want to send him a message that just says if you had looked at what I suggested we wouldnt be like this. I know he doesnt care, it's all about him and his wants and I am The unreasonable one.

Right, you don't want to do that for the very reasons you cite.

Really want to go I to fix it more, which is me apologising and giving in, but not this time

DB'ing is counter-intuitive, it's not doing what "feels" right and doing what doesn't feel right. But it is what works. All the apologizing and begging and pleading and such would just make you look pathetic, weak and unattractive to him. It's human nature to want what we can't have. You can't have him so you want him. He knows he has you so he doesn't want you. You need to flip that script.

[SoloUk]

I offered wh my weekend for fathers day, and he did ot get back to me so I have made arrangements for myself and the children. I was going to offer a meal o the su day with the children but that looks like its go e out the window. I dont want the children or wh to suffer not seeing the. On fathers day, but I am at a loss as what to do. Was this g of dropping g them off for a couple of hours and then picking them up.

My sitch is bad, wh ended email with it's obvious we cant save our relationship so look at divorce, I am like what a idiot you want to conti ue with ow, Introduce children and save our relationship. Starts with leaving the ow, if you want to save our relationship, not wait till it goes bad and come running back.

[SoloUk]

Can I ask, because I have gone complete no contact, I am worried he will turn up at the house, how do I deal with that? I cant refuse him entry but I dont want conflict and that is what will happen

[Ready2Change]

Can I ask, because I have gone complete no contact, I am worried he will turn up at the house, how do I deal with that? I cant refuse him entry but I don't want conflict and that is what will happen

Hold eye contact. Listen to him. Say very little. Validate. do this as long as you are comfortable.

At some point, ask him to leave. If he refuses, you leave.



How long ago did he move out?

[SoloUk]

Ok no reaction from me, stay quiet, listen to what he says validate and ask him to leave, what if he comes already angry?
He moved out 4 weeks ago. Do not engage in any conversation which allows me to step back from my position. Dont let emotion control me. Easier said then done, I always alter my stance to keep the peace. I dont like being in this position, it isnt me.

[FlySolo]

Solo (strange calling someone else that :)) - I haven't read your whole sitch. Have you seen a solicitor yet. If not, do so immediately. Most will give you the initial consultation for free. Use the first session to learn the process and also establish your rights. You don't need to commit. In fact, if and when it goes down that route, I would recommend meeting with a few until you find one that you are comfortable with. But absolutely go and meet with at least one. He is asking for the marriage certificate because in the UK, you cannot initiate proceedings without one.

As many here have said, please stop sleeping with him. I know that at the time it feels like a connection (and it is) and you so desperately want to feel a connection, but he is literally having his cake and eating it too.

Fathers day - I offered my H the kids on fathers day too (it is my day) and he said he is working (which is probably true). So, I will make plans with the kids without him. They will call him on Sunday and then on Monday when they see him give him the cards and the present that I bought. He is their father. He has not stopped being their father. On fathers day he gets a card and a present.

My H comes from a broken family where partners were introduced willy nilly. He would not do that to our children - but if he did, unfortunately there is nothing I can do about it. I could try and reason with him but ultimately, he can do as he wishes. A friend tried to have it put in her separation agreement that they would not introduce partners to their children for at least a year after he MO, but he refused to sign the agreement so she had to take it out. The best thing to do IMHO is to show your children you are OK with it. So you do not burden them with your pain. They don't need that. It [censored].

From what you described, moving out was the best thing he could do. Living in an environment like that stifles your energies. It is a black cloud hanging over your home - the place you are supposed to get rest, and respite and escape from the rest of the world. There was no escape for you or for him. It would not have been good for your children either. Now, you can start to clear both your mental and physical space ... so you can think. Not just react. But really think about what you want.

I am not saying it is over. It isn't over until you say it is over. But right now, I don't think you are seeing things clearly enough. There is too much noise.

[Ready2Change]

Ok no reaction from me, stay quiet, listen to what he says validate and ask him to leave, what if he comes already angry?.

Validate his emotions.


H:"BLA BLA BLA BLA!!!!"
W:"You sound angry"
H:"BLA BLA BLA BLA because of YOU!!!"
W"I am sorry you feel that way"
H:"BLA BLA BLA BLA!!!!"
W"I understand you feel that way"
H:"BLA BLA BLA BLA!!!!"
H:"BLA BLA BLA BLA!!!!"
H:"BLA BLA BLA BLA!!!!"



W"I will need time to process everything you have said"

W"I have things I need to take care of. I think it is time for you to leave."

H"I am not leaving"

W"You moved out. You do not live here anymore"

H"I pay for bla bla bla"

W"I understand that. You chose to leave while you still have those responsibilities"

H"I am not going anywhere"

W:"I am. Goodbye" then leave the house." Come back an hour later. If he is there, ask him to leave again. Repeat above. If you have to leave, go for the night.