Looking for some support - WAW and MLC

[unchien]

I took a step backwards today. I told my W how much she means to me and how I would be lost without her. She told me that she loves me, but her eyes showed that she felt uncomfortable with my words. I am sure I made her feel guilty. I just love her so much, and I so want to win her love back.

Sh74 - she knows you love her. Stop the R talk. It is making things worse. I know it is really hard. I almost did this last night. When you feel that urge, take a break, remember the advice on this forum.

[Sh74]

Sjohns6 and Unchien,

Thank you so much for your encouragement and words of advice. My one foot in the denial bucket messes me up all the time. Two years ago, some sweet tender words would make everything okay. It is a new day.

[unchien]

Sh74 - I struggle just as much as you. I'm just better the last 2-3 weeks about controlling that urge. But the urge is still there to "fix" things. I think of things to say, notes to write, texts and e-mails. I can say definitively my efforts the month prior to finding DB just made my situation exponentially worse.

Fundamentally this is NGS behavior, and an effort to control the other person. Now that I am starting to see my behavior for what it is, it helps me to stop. Let your W live her life and make her own decisions. For now, professions of love are just pressure that will shove her away further.

Last night when I had that urge to say "I know you want a D", I went to a room by myself and contacted a friend who has been through this. It took me a good 2 hours before I calmed down, but I did it. I wanted to break down bawling. Once the intensity of the emotions subsided, I felt this incredible relief that I held it together. I felt I earned myself a little self-respect. I was proud. Small victories. I know this is hard, it is excruciating.

[Sh74]

unchien,

I do my crying during the day, so when I get home I am all cried out. This isn't healthy, but it is my new normal.

I have been doing a ton of exercising, so that is good. It is my GAL at this point.

God bless you!

[LH19]

Sh,

If you truly love her which I believe you do. Why won’t you give her what she wants and set her free?

[unchien]

unchien,

I do my crying during the day, so when I get home I am all cried out. This isn't healthy, but it is my new normal.

I have been doing a ton of exercising, so that is good. It is my GAL at this point.

God bless you!

I think the crying is healthy. Maybe I'm too new to this.

[DnJ]

Hello Sh74

It’s ok to cry. We’ve all done lots - you’re not alone. In pretty good company IMO.

It’s healthy and much better than bottling it up.

Keep working on detachment and focusing on you. It gets easier, day by day, little by little.

She still loves you, and even though she may look like the ice princess on the outside, on the inside she is really in a lot of pain and turmoil. She knows she's hurting you and the kids and she hates herself for it. But she feels desperate to escape and feels she is justified.

I hope that she wakes up and realizes the pain she is going to put our kids through. I still can't believe that she is willing to put me through it.

None of that is going to change anything. You've got to let her go before she might want to come back.

I so hope this isn't true. I hope that I can win her back by showing how good of a husband I am.

It is good that you see the denial. Your post about one foot in the denial bucket is a good step; you are aware of the bucket, the fact that you are stepping out of it, and the mess it makes from all the sloshing around.

I do get the idea of wanting to win her back, to be the best husband possible. Sh74, those are noble and worth goals, do them for you. Become the best version of Sh74, for him. I am pretty sure he is worth the effort.

For a long time, I just can’t believe it, is very true. In time our language and use of it becomes self affirming; do be accurate, your mind is listening.

DnJ

[97Hope]

SH74,
First, I am sorry you are here. Second, you are definitely not alone. My H has done most of the things that your W is doing. Saying I want a D one day and literally the next going to dinner with me. Since you mentioned prayer and God I will say that my best GAL has been listening to sermons on podcast on the commute to work and then prayer and songs.
I, too struggle with GAL activities. The best ones are with my s17. He's our youngest and the last one at home. When he is gone, I don't quite know what to do with myself. Married 23 years, so most of my fun was had with my H.

I try something new as often as I can. Went to bingo didn't love it, but at least I tried it. I don't have a lot of friends here so it's hard to find a group to have dinner with that aren't mutual friends, couples, and I'm not up for that at this time.

I will pray for you. That has helped me. Praying with a very small (3) number of people who will pray with me.

I cry too. Less now (H moved out Feb 1, said he is filing soon). It's confusing. I try not to ask why anymore. It gets easier when you focus on your own walk and not theirs. They aren't the same people right now. That's been so helpful for me. Another Stander has given great advice. Take it.

Detachment is very hard at first and does seem counterintuitive, but you MUST keep your eyes on your own walk right now. It's not giving up, it's giving your W the freedom to find her own way. You can't fix her. You can't do the "one thing" that will bring her out of this, but you can be the best you right now. Be a light on the hill. Be steady. Be a rock. You will be thankful for the growth if you allow it to change you. Fear is a liar and not a friend to you right now.

I hope you are surrounded by love at this time and that you are able to take care of yourself. Some days are so much harder than others. I tell myself "It will not always feel like this" and I absolutely know that to be true. Take one day at a time. Fear creeps in when our minds wonder about the future.

God bless you and keep you.