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A Message from Michele
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Re: The End is Nigh [Re: sandi2] #2849325
05/15/19 04:06 PM
05/15/19 04:06 PM
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InLove42 Offline OP
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InLove42  Offline OP
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Originally Posted by sandi2
Quote
Wow, is that his usual way of responding? Were you nagging him about staying late?


This was a new way of responding, but he can be stubborn and short-sighted.

I highly doubt she or he will ever get therapy. Let alone get it with me. This woman hates me. I mean, hates me. It's one of the reasons my husband says he is leaving me. He can't have a wife who his new family hates (even after 25 years of being with him), and he wants to move in with his mother. Plus, he now thinks I'm co-dependent because we spend time doing stuff together but his mother's husband does his own thing. He doesn't see that this is why she needs to text him 250 times a day and talk to him on the phone for hours each day and see each other alone all the time. He's way too smitten with her to see any of this.


Originally Posted by sandi2
[quote]You will not win his heart by demands, anger, accusations, blaming, nagging, and all the other stuff women do to gain control over a situation they fear they will lose.


I haven't done this stuff in a while. I've let him do what he wants, but he doesn't care anymore. He doesn't want to be with me.

Originally Posted by sandi2
[quote]I want to suggest that you do some very deep soul searching, and decide what you want to improve in yourself as a woman......and as a wife.


I have been. I am actually quite introspective. I have been doing counseling. I have been reading books. He says he has nothing to work on. He says I'm the one who needs to change. I have quite a few goals.

[quote]Men love cheerleaders! Did you know that a man's number one desire is to be admired? If the W isn't his cheerleader, there are plenty of other women who are willing to do the job. At the moment, your MIL is trying to make up to her son for her decision to abandon him when he was a baby. Naturally she's going to praise him, and say whatever makes him good.


I have been doing this lately, but it doesn't seem to be doing much. I mean, except for his weird push/pull. He has hugged me, thanked me for spending time with him, told me he missed our life and how we were together, and yesterday he told me he loved me when I went to get us coffee. I was getting in the car, and he said, "I love you."
After that, though nothing. He was just nice to me. No hugs, no touching at all.


Originally Posted by sandi2
Quote
Does it bother his male pride that you earn more than him? Does he have a full time job?
Some of these things are helping to see a clearer picture. I don't think it was one thing (that I can determine at this point) that weakened the MR before mommy came on the scene, but maybe putting some things together helped in working toward him running to her for comfort. Male pride can be crippling, and so far I see two things that were working to make him feel insecure in himself as a man.


He does have a full time job, but it pays horribly. I don't know how to help that. He has tried to find jobs. I have told him he can do it, but he can't find anything.

[quote] To clarify when I speak about controlling your emotions, I mean the negative type. Yelling, crying, berating, threats, temper tantrums, etc.


I don't do this. I am trying to play it cool.



He is playing games. Doing push-pull. He hugged me the day before yesterday: twice. Yesterday, I left to get us coffees, and as I was leaving he said "I love you." Speaking of our best couple friends, he said if you see them before I do, say "hello." But, I mean, you might not, so. This is the only time he has referenced our old life together. But then, no hugs this morning. Still slept on the sofa. Still stayed away from me for the most part, physically. No real references to us other than that. I just don't get him.

Re: The End is Nigh [Re: InLove42] #2849326
05/15/19 04:07 PM
05/15/19 04:07 PM
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InLove42 Offline OP
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He is playing games. Doing push-pull. He hugged me the day before yesterday: twice. Yesterday, I left to get us coffees, and as I was leaving he said "I love you." Speaking of our best couple friends, he said if you see them before I do, say "hello." But, I mean, you might not, so. This is the only time he has referenced our old life together. But then, no hugs this morning. Still slept on the sofa. Still stayed away from me for the most part, physically. No real references to us other than that. I just don't get him.

Re: The End is Nigh [Re: InLove42] #2849335
05/15/19 05:42 PM
05/15/19 05:42 PM
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Steve85 Offline
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The WAS will do just enough to keep you attached. Don't fall for it.


M(50), W(51),D(15)
M-20, T-22 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: The End is Nigh [Re: Steve85] #2849343
05/15/19 06:46 PM
05/15/19 06:46 PM
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InLove42 Offline OP
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Why would they do that if they don't care. I don't get it!

Re: The End is Nigh [Re: InLove42] #2849344
05/15/19 06:48 PM
05/15/19 06:48 PM
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Steve85 Offline
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Originally Posted by InLove42
Why would they do that if they don't care. I don't get it!


Plan B. Safety net. Ever heard the song "Keep me hanging on"? That is what this is about.

"I am going to go do what I want to do, but every once in a while I'll make sure I could snap my fingers and get her back."

If you were dating him you'd call it "playing games". It really is no different, he is playing games with you, his wife.

This is why you need to drop the fear of him thinking you've completely moved on.....and completely move on. He may come around in time for you to give him one last chance....or he might not. But either way you'll be ok.


M(50), W(51),D(15)
M-20, T-22 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: The End is Nigh [Re: InLove42] #2849349
05/15/19 07:25 PM
05/15/19 07:25 PM
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GH31 Offline
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Munich, Germany
Originally Posted by InLove42
Why would they do that if they don't care. I don't get it!

Oh but they do care.

About themselves.

There is no lengths they won't go to in order to get their needs met.

For the time being it's all about them.


Me: 42
W: 43
T: 20
M: 18
DS9
DD8
DS2

W left: 01/28/08
Discovered OM: 02/26/08
W back for 9 days: 04/08
W returned 05/21/08
EA/PA - 01/08-07/09
W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
Re: The End is Nigh [Re: InLove42] #2849351
05/15/19 07:40 PM
05/15/19 07:40 PM
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InLove42 Offline OP
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I know I go back and forth, but why would I want to be with someone who abandons a 23 year relationship? What happens if I feel like this/ I'm trying not to show it, but after spending 2 days hanging out with him, I'm just getting even more mad. Like I'm starting to wonder why I'd even want this man.

Re: The End is Nigh [Re: InLove42] #2849366
05/15/19 09:26 PM
05/15/19 09:26 PM
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theoden Offline
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InLove42,

Sorry you are here. This is a tough emotional roller-coaster to be on.

So the cameras are down...good. He can't treat you this way. You need healthy boundaries - that makes you more substantial and attractive to him. Someone he needs to reckon with.

Why did you say "It's his house". Does it belong to him?

1) He're the thing - the more you chase, nag, pursue and talk about the relationship - the more he will pull away. It's suffocating him. He's going through some stuff with his biological mom, probably a mid-life crisis and unresolved issues with you. Go the book, The Divorce Remedy and read "The Last Resort Technique". You are supposed to do that when your spouse says they want a divorce. THAT's your strategy. It's giving him room the breathe, and helping you keep your dignity.

2) Take care of yourself. Do what YOU want to do, for YOURSELF. Don't worry about how it will impact your husband's perception of you. He wants to be with a woman who has a life and does not serve at his beck and call. Really he does.

3) See a lawyer as soon as possible, if you haven't already.

4) Whatever happens you'll be OK. Really.

5) He's got his own issues to deal with. The fact that he has a low paying job PLUS the nagging/belittling you mentioned has probably psychologically emasculated him. You can't make him happy or make him feel like a man. You can stop nagging. However, it's OK to state what you want.

--Alan




Re: The End is Nigh [Re: InLove42] #2849372
05/15/19 10:45 PM
05/15/19 10:45 PM
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How old was your H when his birth mother left him? If he was an infant, she may not have what we think of as completely healthy or even normal motherly feelings for him. Her H has dumped her and she is texting her son how many times a day? She hates his W and convinces him to move in with her (who he doesn't really even know) instead of working on his M? Look, I had challenges with my MIL, but the more I read about this case, the more it sounds a bit abnormal. I don't mean I think they are doing something incestual........yet. However, if she has had no contact with him all these years......then it's possible she doesn't have that motherly bond, that we have with a child we raise. I can't remember the clinical word for it, but it happens when birth parents and the child, or siblings, have not lived together and/or had contact since birth. Then when they meet many years down the road, they don't have that bond that is naturally formed between family members.

I remember a similar case some years ago, except that was a daughter who went to live with her father, who had not seen or contacted her since her birth. (In fact, I know of two cases where this happened.) Sadly, it resulted in a case of incest b/c he was a man who saw her as just another woman. The daughter was confused about their emotional relationship......as one might only imagine when never experiencing a father's normal affection/love.

Your H's birth mother could be turning to him to fill her emotional pain, just like any woman might turn to some other man when she has been rejected and left alone. I could see all sorts of emotional unhealthy outcomes, when both of them seem wounded and immature to deal with this type of situation. He definitely sounds confused, and maybe a bit brainwashed by his mother.

This is merely speculation on my part. I contemplated whether or not to mention it, b/c I know something of this nature surely won't help your feelings. I only wanted to warn you, b/c it does happen sometimes, and if there is a slightest hint the woman is unstable, it will take a lot of strength and emotional maturity for your H to pull away from her. Ask yourself why he feels he has to choose between his "new" family and the ones who have been there for him all these years. I mean, I've heard of MIL's from hell, but there is something that definitely feels very unhealthy in all of this. Since meeting his birth mother, he seems to have become weaker, signs of immaturity, and dependent on her. She has become his crutch, and maybe vise versa.

Anyway, you might think about discussing it with your IC. In the meantime, I would consider pulling back very hard and very quickly. You can't help your H decide what to do or who he wants more. He has to figure it out for himself, and it may take him going through some stuff before he comes to a final decision. Not an easy thing for either of you, but you have to protect yourself. When he sees you moving on without him, that will do more to work in favor of your a future with him, than most anything else you can do. (((hugs)))


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: The End is Nigh [Re: InLove42] #2849418
05/16/19 02:06 PM
05/16/19 02:06 PM
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Posts: 47
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InLove42 Offline OP
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Update, hubby told me that we need to sit down with the lawyer and draw up a legal separation, not divorce. He said he's been thinking a lot lately and wants to try to build a new marriage. I went ahead and asked him what his intentions were with our relationship and the visit with the lawyer. He said he's starting to see my changes, but he said we both have a lot of work to rebuild. I am reading the book still and hoping that it gives me some ideas on that end.

I'm a little confused on why we can't just stop the divorce proceedings period. He said that he loves me and that he won't find another person like me. He said he has a lot of work to convince the bio mom. He didn't say what would happen as far as living situations, but he still wants to sell the house (I think). He hasn't communicated a lot about our future, but he has told me a lot of his own feelings and how special our relationship is to him. He told me he is still very attracted to me and he still loves being with me. He did tell me that he thinks things will be better for us and that we can build an even better marriage than before.

Should I trust this?

Last edited by InLove42; 05/16/19 02:08 PM.
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