Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 9 of 10 1 2 7 8 9 10
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
Yikes.

She’s absolutely making it clear by her actions where she’s at.

Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,561
Likes: 1
U
unchien Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
U
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,561
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by LH19
Yikes.

She’s absolutely making it clear by her actions where she’s at.

Some more background... sex was very intermittent during pregnancy and 1st year of each kid. So part of the last 2 years was us sort of trying to figure things out again.

I was hoping affection would return. Not sure she really needs or wants it, or if she's withholding. It would be nice to have an honest conversation about it, but we are way past that point and have bigger problems to solve.

Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,561
Likes: 1
U
unchien Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
U
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,561
Likes: 1
Journal -

Short and simple.

Pre-BD sitch. W is fueled by anger and resentment, 100% blame on me.

Is there *any* value trying to help defuse the anger? And any advice on how to do so?

I read some advice online about showing compassion (the link actually pointed to MWD/WAS). Really hard to see how this could be implemented successfully.

Yes, I get that I am falling into the trap of trying to save my M. I am sensitive to the fact that most people here came post-BD. I also don’t know if it matters that I am pre-BD or not honestly. Maybe the timing matters in making these choices, maybe it doesn’t. Personally I look at BD as a huge mountain to climb for my W - she would not take it lightly.

IDK, 3 weeks ago I would say I desperately needed to save my M or I would fall apart. Today I would say I still fight for my M, knowing full well that it is way more complicated than just my W coming back to me, that I would need to see some changes too. My happiness matters. And also that I look at the alternative as a single dad as a potential path to even greater happiness as well, not a catastrophe. I’m not going to lie... I’m still riding the emotional roller-coaster, but the seats are getting more comfortable.

Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,561
Likes: 1
U
unchien Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
U
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,561
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by unchien
Leaving for business trip, gave my kids a hug, wasn’t sure with W. Within 5 minutes of leaving the house, got an array of texts. How I have been super distant, how she can tell I just don’t want to be around her (she notices the GAL). Said she doesn’t understand but hopes we can talk soon. I caved a little (huge mistake, I know, please 2x4 me at will) and said that I also notice the distance, hope we can talk soon, and don’t think we are communicating well. Keep in mind I am pre-BD, not sure that changes anything as far as how to interact. I certainly feel 1000% more confident in myself than I did 4 weeks ago, as far as how to handle things on an emotional level.

It’s so weird... she seems so fueled by anger at everything I do, I know she is secretly at least investigating D as a realistic possibility, and yet... she’s angry at my distance too?! I know, it’s not supposed to make any sense.

I’ve had about 48 hours to process this now.

W has been distant while I’m away. One text per day, and I call W and kids at night to say I miss them and love them.

I’m struggling here. Her actions and words have been inconsistent. I know I need to stop trying to figure out what she’s thinking. The fog is thick.

On the one hand, I can take the advice of a D’d friend (which would basically line up with DB). Tell her you want to talk too, but don’t over-communicate. Let her come to you. It’s a 50/50 game.

On the other hand, I can take the advice of a different friend. Ignore the anger, ignore the fog — my W did actually say “hopefully we can talk about your distance soon”. Take that opportunity. Wait until I get back next week, and tell her (not e-mail or text, but verbal) that I also want to talk about the way things were when I left, and that I’m here for her when she’s ready. In the meantime, don’t over communicate, but call every day just to say I miss her and the kids. The idea here is not to admit 100% blame, but provide some sort of opening for an angry, hurt, confused W to at least open up to me. Maybe from that stepping stone we can go to MC and have a 3rd party help us work through things. She made a slight indication, which is a major improvement.

That second idea is a very anti-DB idea... I know. This friend’s position is basically: Ignore all the inconsistencies in what she says. However, she did mention talking, so basically, call her out on it. The worst thing that could happen is she says no.

Here is where I’m at emotionally... I’ve spent almost 2 months now in agony about my M. The 1st month in histrionic chasing mode, the 2nd more subdued and working on DB. I finally feel confident no matter what my future holds.

I have received a GIFT — being able to see the potential BD in my future. I have had the time to find DB and work on myself. I would have been an absolute train wreck if I was caught by surprise. Instead I at least know that I can fight my way through a BD if/when it happens. I’m not going to die. Everyone here on this forum has shown me that. I’ve got a ton of work to do.

So back to the sitch at hand. My W noticed the DB efforts, loud and clear. She is upset, she is angry, she wants to talk (or at least texted that). Maybe it was a fit of rage and she has forgotten. Maybe in the next week her armor will go back up. But at least I can come home next week and say that it seemed like we both wanted to talk, and maybe start Something? Otherwise it’s just the stalemate continued...

Am I just being a complete and utter fool here?

Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
U,

You’re not being a fool you’re looking for hope. You can’t talk your way out of this situation. If she wants talk let her seek you out and just validate and listen. You cannot use logic and reason with an emotional human being.

Take this time to think about her actions since October. Not her words her actions. That will tell the story.

Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,561
Likes: 1
U
unchien Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
U
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,561
Likes: 1
LH -

Thank you for the straight shooting.

Not looking to talk my way out of it. Trying to get my W to let go of some anger first by opening up. I plan to listen and validate, maybe share a little bit depending how it goes. Then maybe we go to MC where a 3rd party might help us.

One of my 180s has been to stop pursuing talks. But I’m also accused of distance. Maybe a 180 would be just consistently being there - not pursuing, not distant, showing her I care but not over the top, periodically reminding her I’m ready to talk. It’s hard to tell what she’s thinking but the complaints about distance tell me that I need to adjust course. I’m stronger now emotionally than I was 3 weeks ago so I think I can test the waters and not fall apart if things go sideways.

Sex was a problem long before October, going at least 2 years back. Some medical reasons. My frustration about our sex life drove me to make some poor choices - pouting, begging, pleading, unwanted innuendos. Not going down that cheeseless tunnel right now.

Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
Why do the complaints about distance need you to adjust course? You can’t 180 her every complaint. You’re not her puppet. You 180 things you need to change like being needy and clingy.

You don’t need to show her you care! She knows! If you have this talk that your searching out, I don’t care if you rehearse 100 times when it goes sideways, and it will you are going to have a meltdown. When she says I love you but I’m not in love with you and I know I’ll never find someone who loves me the way you love me you’re gonna go into panic mode. Mike Tyson has a saying “everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face”.

When your w questions you about distancing your answer should be “ I need time and space to figure out what I want and need in this relationship”. Yes believe it or not your needs matter too.

Joined: Apr 2019
Posts: 750
Likes: 1
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Apr 2019
Posts: 750
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by unchien


Not looking to talk my way out of it. Trying to get my W to let go of some anger first by opening up. I plan to listen and validate, maybe share a little bit depending how it goes. Then maybe we go to MC where a 3rd party might help us.


Hey U - you might want to re-read what you wrote here ^^^^

Just a heads up - she may not even remember what you two talked about. My W said we were going to talk about selling the house the day after BD. That was 2 months ago - it got lost in the fog. Maybe not forever, maybe it will come back but in the meantime it bought me 2 months to work on myself more. If my goal is to outlast MLC then time is what I need.

I'm not you but everytime i brought something up that she perceived as pressure it made things worse.

My 180s are many, including stopping pressure, giving space so she can figure out her own self, and letting her be. That's what I'm doing bc nothing else worked

Joined: May 2019
Posts: 352
Likes: 11
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 352
Likes: 11
Originally Posted by unchien

One of my 180s has been to stop pursuing talks. But I’m also accused of distance.



If she is accusing you of distance, perhaps she is noticing your 180 and reacting to it. One of the things with the 180 that I read about somewhere is that the S will try to sabotage it if it starts having an effect. The example I read was that if you were getting in better shape and looking more attractive, they may cook you unhealthy meals. Maybe this just means your 180 is working? Something to think about

Joined: May 2019
Posts: 352
Likes: 11
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 352
Likes: 11
Originally Posted by IronWill

My 180s are many, including stopping pressure, giving space so she can figure out her own self, and letting her be. That's what I'm doing bc nothing else worked

Your 180 should focus on you not her. Everything you mentioned is correct but it should be a secondary result. The actions themselves should be focused on your own well being not her reactions. I say this because I fall into the same trap and keep checking if I am getting a reaction from her but I feel the happiest when I personally feel better due to the 180

Page 9 of 10 1 2 7 8 9 10

Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard