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Thanks Unchien, if that is what you believe self forgiveness is, then yes, I forgive myself. I know I made a horrible choice. And I know 100% under any circumstances that I would never do that again. This is regardless if it's my wife or another relationship in future.
The hardest part is knowing when to move on. Obviously i cant move on while we are both living together. I care for her way to much to let her go and I fear that, if I let her go, then I missed a chance. What if she only needs more time? What if 4 years isn't enough time yet for her? But then the other side of me knows that I'm 41. I'm not getting younger and how much can I hold on for.
The living situation also really confuses me. She knows I cant afford to move out. She knows she has no income. Yet she jabs at me over what I have done all the time. Especially when I bring it up, but she still jabs every couple days. It's like this is her way of making me pay and suffer for what I did to her. She knows I cant escape it, and she especially knows that I hurt whenever she reminds me of what I did to her. Its bad enough that every time I look in her eyes that I'm reminded of the pain and sorrow I caused her. I would give anything to remove all that pain from her. I just dont know how.
I also know that yes, my actions have caused this and some would say I deserve to take her jabs, I owe it to her, but 4 years of it? I'm ready to move past it. But she is not, and it's not fair for her if I move past it, I caused this for her.

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Sorry if this was already covered: Have you asked her for forgiveness?

Originally Posted by Sad_lost
it's not fair for her if I move past it, I caused this for her.

I politely disagree, and I understand you are in a tough and very sensitive situation with the constant reminding. She may never forgive you, but that doesn't prevent you from forgiving yourself. Also, forgiving yourself is not the same as moving past it, it's more being able to accept and coexist with what you have done.

I hear a lot of me in your writing, you are kind of beating yourself up. When I do that, and I just start feeling really bad about things, it doesn't do any good. I find I can empathize better with my W when I also show myself some compassion first, and stop wallowing in my self-pity. I struggle with it a lot though.

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Hey guys, im sorry its been so long since i have posted. Life has been very busy. Im having an awful last couple days. I want to sit and cry. As you read, my wife and I still living together. She wants a divorce stemming from an EA 4 years ago. Our weeks have been very up and down. Most nights when i dont bring anything up things seem ok. She lays on couch with me, we do family things. When i mention us being together is when all hell breaks loose. She reminds me that she no longer has feelings for me and she is just trying to live in peace. And then continues to Yell at me for texting OW that i did years ago.
This week has been hard. Usually her actions dont match her words, until this week that is. There is a party next week that we were both supposed to go to. Today she tells me to stay home as she doesnt want me there. Come to find out, her ex boyfriend from 23 years ago will be there. She also removed my lastname from her name on FB and deleted her relationship status. Also when i asked her, she tells me she is free to date or see who she wants, but points out she has no plans on doing this. Of course, all i think of now is that she is going to party to try to either pay me back or rekindle an old relationship.
I am having a really tough time. Im refusing to let go of our marriage. 90% of the time things seem like they are good or getting better and I get sucked in. In 3 weeks we are going on a small family vacation.. i also know she has not been with another because her bipolor condition has her always being home, until next weekend that is.
I can really use some advice. I know I caused all this pain and heartache for her 4 years ago. I wish I can change the things that I did. It was selfish of me.

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I know im coming off like im whining.

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When i mention us being together is when all hell breaks loose


It appears that isn't working. Go ahead and forget about bringing that up for a couple years.

I advise you to stay off social media and focus your energy elsewhere. All the WASs do what she did. Don't let it bother you.

As for the party I'd find plans for that day and beat her out of the house and then be out still when she got home. Show her that you can get along just fine. Shes pulling the punches on you with this I can date whoever BS, let her wonder what you're up to and don't argue about anything. You need to read and post here more too if you want to improve.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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Thanks for all the heads up and advice. I think i really messed things up lastnight. I have had a feeling that she has been using a burner phone to talk to someone else. Just by some things that i have noticed in the past couple weeks. Last night i accused her of this. Any progress that we might have made just went down the drain. Its very hard living here with her, and watching her slip further and further away from me, and now for me to accuse her of talking to another man, while i was the one doing the EA 4 years ago is just wrong. Im so afraid she is going to pay me back for the crime i commited, that it has consumed me. I need to get over that fear.

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Acting out of fear will always set you back. Trust, but verify. But do it covertly.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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