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I'm not one to air my laundry to ones I dont know, but I'm looking for suggestions from others who have gone thru this. 
Married to my wife going on 20 years this October. 4 years ago I did the unthinkable and ruined my marriage by texting another woman. I was texting a woman for about 2 months. I dont know what the hell I was thinking but I made the biggest mistake in my life and with a person I never physically met. After my wife found out about the texting I compounded the problem by denying it. After I finally owned up to my deception, my wife decided we would repair this and try to move on.
Fast forward to one year ago. My wife tells me she cant get over the affair from 3 years earlier and wants to divorce. My wife doesnt work due to her bi-polar and I'm the lone income. We decided I would stay in the house with her until we were financially able to move on. We have one child living at home. I struggled emotionally for 6 months last year on the damage that I caused her. Took me a long time to come to terms with what I did. But I spent 6 months trying to repair the damage done last year. November, I finally realized that I had to let go of my wife. Only she could change her mind, I couldnt. 
Mid November I have enough savings to move, as I plan this my wife got closer and out of blue changed her mind. She now wanted to work on this. I was in heaven. Finally had my wife back and was working towards forgiveness. We used the savings to catch things up here.
Fast forward to this February, she said it again, she cant get over what I did and wants a divorce. Once again wants me to stay until she finds a job. Again, I am heartbroken. I know I caused all this from my actions years ago. Now, my wife is bi polar. She doesnt leave house much. There is no outside interference here, no man that she is talking to.
I just dont know what to do now. I dont know how else to profess my apologies to her.
I realize that most on this board come from the other end of the spectrum, they were the ones cheated on so I am prepared to catch hell here for this, but understand I made a bad choice, a bad mistake. I would do anything to take back that damage I caused her. I guess I'm just looking for some advice or support. I have read the books here and admit that I still try to talk about the Relationship and saving us because ultimately I am the one who betrayed her and caused this.

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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


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Originally Posted by Sad_lost
Now, my wife is bi polar.

Did you know this when you got married?
Does she stay on her meds?

I am not forgiving your EA but I have heard of a lot worse.

Maybe this is not all about you.

Foregive yourself, foregive your wife for being bipolar and get on living your life.


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I'm sorry you are here. I don't know if this helps but 7 years ago my H had multiple affairs. I decided to forgive him. It took a looooong time. Too long. One reason I'm here now is because he couldn't take my unforgiveness anymore. Right about the time I got help (therapy for the a's among other things), he was done. M was too hard for him. You can not make your W get help, but you can get help for yourself. You need support. Find it.

Listen to the people here. Surround yourself with people who accept and love you and don't focus on your w or where she is emotionally. It will make you miserable. One day at a time is the actual key to peace.

What you did was wrong. You know that now. Learn from it. Don't do it again. work hard to find out WHY you did it, to avoid putting yourself at risk. As you grow and focus on being the best you, you will come to a place where you can make good choices going forward.

Stand strong in the truth. She is going to throw all kinds of things at you. You can and should accept your part, but you can't accept ALL of the blame for your MR.


ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19

8/17-BD
IHS: 1/17-2/19
D FILED (ME): 7/19
D FINAL: 10/20
M23 T25
OW CONFIRMED: 01/21

Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
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Cadet, no, her diagnosis was not until after my EA. So years later into our marriage. She is on her meds, strong ones at that. It's almost as If they zap her emotions. She has built up a huge wall. The thing is, if I dont mention our future together, things are almost fine. Of course we are in separate beds, but everything else seems almost normal. She even lays her head on my lap at night on couch. When I bring up and question our future, that's when a switch occurs and all hell breaks loose and she says I need to move on... maybe I shouldn't ever bring it up and just forget about it..

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DB101 do what works, sounds like having relationship talks are not working.


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I have another question. We currently share a home. At this time I am sole provider. Her plan is for me to move out when she can support herself, she is even thinking of having her mom move in with her to help with Bill's. What if I dont want to move out? I dont know why its automatically assumed that I should be the one to move, i guess if i say i will go then I'm not being selfish and thinking it will help me but if I refuse to leave it shows me as a selfish one and will all but kill any chance of saving M..
What is the general opinion on the matter of moving? I cant afford two places now so its understood that I am staying for now, but she says as soon as she is working I am to move. Now remember, I want to save this M that I destroyed, she is the one that wants out of it.

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Originally Posted by Sad_lost
I have another question. We currently share a home. At this time I am sole provider. Her plan is for me to move out when she can support herself, she is even thinking of having her mom move in with her to help with Bill's. What if I dont want to move out? I dont know why its automatically assumed that I should be the one to move, i guess if i say i will go then I'm not being selfish and thinking it will help me but if I refuse to leave it shows me as a selfish one and will all but kill any chance of saving M..
What is the general opinion on the matter of moving? I cant afford two places now so its understood that I am staying for now, but she says as soon as she is working I am to move. Now remember, I want to save this M that I destroyed, she is the one that wants out of it.

The general opinion is to do what you want, what is best for you given the situation. If you guys divorced, would you move elsewhere or want to keep the house? If you'd want to stay there, you say it once b/c it's the truth. After that, you don't need to proclaim it anymore.

Her sticking around b/c of your income isn't good either. She shouldn't be doing that and it isn't justified by your affair.

Originally Posted by Sad_lost
The thing is, if I dont mention our future together, things are almost fine.


Like Cadet said, do what works. If you don't know what works, don't do what you know doesn't work.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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I say dont move out of YOUR house.
Let her move if she wants to go.
Its not your problem its hers.


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I'm not really sure how to take this one. Wife and I still together under same roof. Of course no sex not sleeping in same bed but everything else is normal. Only time anything is brought up is when I bring it up and she tells me again that we are legally married but that's all, we are not a couple or together. She lays with me on couch, I rub her head and she is on with this. Actions on her part dont add up. It's her words.. of course she will never allow sexual contact.
But this is where I'm confused and not sure what to do, I guess I screwed up tonight by bringing up boundaries. I feel strongly about this. I told her we need clear boundaries while we still living together and she tells me that we do not need boundaries. We are not together. She tells me if I want to talk to another woman or have sexual contact with another woman it's ok as long as I don't bring her home. When I tell her that I have no interest in that she says that's my choice. I asked about her, and she says if she goes with another man its morally ok. Because she is not with me anymore. Now I really dont think she has been doing this or has plans to do this. She says she wants to work on herself and her condition 1st but If something ever did happen it's not my business nor is it wrong. When I tell her its disrespectful she points out my EA from 4 years ago and tells me I didn't respect her then.
I dont know how to take this. I know her actions sometimes dont match her words, but if she was confused about our M or really still cared, would she really tell me that I'm ok to meet someone or that she would not have any problems sleeping with another man? I still consider this cheating, apparently she does not. I guess I'm sooo afraid to move out and move on If there really is a small chance. This happened last year and she changed her mind. I am confused.

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