You are behaving like a beta. Woman are attracted to Alpha behavior.
"I do not want to be with a woman who does not want to be with me.": "I do not share my woman with other men" "I do not let fear control me" "I do not let a woman control me"
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Hi AnotherStander, So I have a question about this..... so we've had three of these R talks total. When they happen, she corners me, I don't go looking for it. So when a W blocks a doorway and says "we need to talk", how do you get away or disarm it? The 1st two I was in a closet and she barred the way out. Last night she blocked the doorway to the bedroom. Just say I don't want to talk about it? Move her? I'm still really new to this. I'm not looking to start trouble with her.
Wow, blocking your exit? That's some pretty crazy stuff there. OK so if she corners you then you do two things and two things only- LISTEN and VALIDATE. That's it.
"We need to have a talk."
"OK I'm listening."
"I am sick and tired of this situation, I need out."
"It sounds like you are frustrated, that must be difficult for you."
"I want you OUT and right now. I can't take this pressure anymore. You're trying to manipulate me blah blah blah"
"I am not going anywhere. I would prefer that you stay here and work on the M with me but I understand that is not what you want and I will not stand in your way."
"Great so when are you moving out?"
"As I said I'm not going anywhere."
"THAT IS JUST LIKE YOU, A JERK TO THE END, HOW DARE YOU BLAH BLAH BLAHDY BLAH"
"I am sorry you feel that way, but I will not be disrespected. If you choose to yell then this conversation is over."
"WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE BLAH BLAAAAAAAAAH"
-SF walks out of room silently-
Listen. Validate. Be the rock. Stand firm. Don't get drawn into R conversations.
Hi AnotherStander, So I have a question about this..... so we've had three of these R talks total. When they happen, she corners me, I don't go looking for it. So when a W blocks a doorway and says "we need to talk", how do you get away or disarm it? The 1st two I was in a closet and she barred the way out. Last night she blocked the doorway to the bedroom. Just say I don't want to talk about it? Move her? I'm still really new to this. I'm not looking to start trouble with her.
Wow, blocking your exit? That's some pretty crazy stuff there. OK so if she corners you then you do two things and two things only- LISTEN and VALIDATE. That's it.
"We need to have a talk."
"OK I'm listening."
"I am sick and tired of this situation, I need out."
"It sounds like you are frustrated, that must be difficult for you."
"I want you OUT and right now. I can't take this pressure anymore. You're trying to manipulate me blah blah blah"
"I am not going anywhere. I would prefer that you stay here and work on the M with me but I understand that is not what you want and I will not stand in your way."
"Great so when are you moving out?"
"As I said I'm not going anywhere."
"THAT IS JUST LIKE YOU, A JERK TO THE END, HOW DARE YOU BLAH BLAH BLAHDY BLAH"
"I am sorry you feel that way, but I will not be disrespected. If you choose to yell then this conversation is over."
"WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE BLAH BLAAAAAAAAAH"
-SF walks out of room silently-
Listen. Validate. Be the rock. Stand firm. Don't get drawn into R conversations.
This works. It will at least, if anything, make them stop mistreating you. My EXWW was doing this badly. When I backed way off, she filled the void with what AS says above. Literally chasing me around the house, blocking me from leaving my room etc. She just wanted to argue, she wanted to get a rise out of me. I would just validate and when she started to be ugly I would tell her that I will not deal with the disrespect and walk off.
If she pursued me I would just get in my car and leave. I had to leave several times because she was just unreal ugly to me.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
This living with MLC'er really is a double edged sword..... actually I'm wondering if it isn't harder. My father is pushing me to get a L now. What I really want is to let go, forget about her (while I improve myself) but not be D. Does that make sense? Something I read said delay, delay, delay..... no D. Let her totally go, send her on her way but give as much time before closing the door forever.
Ah so you had this too. I haven't hit the ugly stage yet, now it's all about manipulating me into caring for her using tears, crying, etc. I do have empathy for her, but I am starting to becoming cold/numb...... I call it being clinical. I'm there, but not completely there. I need to get to not there at all (emotionally).
I'm sure the ugly is coming, trying to be prepared, trying to detach. I thought they're was going to be more time, but it's falling like a stone (surprised me). I thought by agreeing to room/space this was a good thing... I guess not. I'm trying to buy time to set everything up (separation of finances mostly and getting bills out of the way before then).
Here's another question: When she cheats, and I know for sure...... do I ask her to leave? I'm not about putting up with that garbage, but I also know if you do throw them out they blame you for it and it becomes a big thing. I'm not leaving the house, I'm not leaving the MBR. I'd hope she's just want to leave on her own then, but what if not?
Heart's Blessing says you have to let them have their A and burn themselves out. Has to be done. She also talks about the LBS having to remain silent during this time or else you strengthen the OM/OW. This is very confusing and conflicting. How do you get them out without strengthening their madness?
Thanks guys, I really appreciate it and I'm learning.
I think I just witnesses my first replay "face".... wow, it's soooo interesting. I can't believe it's happening so fast.
I came home and W was playing piano.... not just any piano, the classics.... the hard stuff. She played this when she was a teen, and used it to cope with her parents D and all the trauma teens have anyway.
She was doing really good, no mistakes (just like when she was a teen), and our parrots were screaming for attention. She yells a them a couple times... then flies off the handle, slams the cover shut and storms upstairs yelling "I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!". I've never seen her mistreat her piano before... never.
A few min later she appears in a robe and gently asks for some soup I made the other day. Total 180... and I swear it was like a young person asking.
WOW.
She for annoyed at me being on the phone when she asked, then she went into the bedroom and closed the door like we agreed.... when she wants space, close the door. (Success).
I've read about the Replay Faces and acting out, but I had never seen it before. Just WOW. She flipped so many times, it was just like mental illness.
Would an anti-depressant do anything??? Just curious. She wouldn't take it anyway.
This living with MLC'er really is a double edged sword..... actually I'm wondering if it isn't harder. My father is pushing me to get a L now. What I really want is to let go, forget about her (while I improve myself) but not be D. Does that make sense? Something I read said delay, delay, delay..... no D. Let her totally go, send her on her way but give as much time before closing the door forever.
Is that what you did?
I stuck to DB'ing, which isn't "delaying" but simply not helping the WAS with S or D. The attitude is don't stand in their way, and if they need something from you then provide it, but don't do any of the work yourself. So I let her do all the work. And she did, she was pretty anxious to get out of the house. She rented first and stayed there for a couple of years and then bought a house. Strangely despite that she was never in a hurry to do anything about D though. She had papers drawn up early on but then just let it all sit untouched. After a couple of years I had a business ownership opportunity come up and had concerns about her possibly making a claim on it if D happened later, so I was the one that ended up pushing the D through. In my case my XW wasn't MLC and was mostly pretty civil throughout.
Quote
Would an anti-depressant do anything???
Very hard to say, it might even out her highs and lows but it probably wouldn't change her mind about the M. In fact there are some studies that indicate A/D's may contribute to people losing their "love feelings" for their spouse or even kids over time. A lot of LBS's that come here mention their WAS as having been on A/D's for a long period of time (mine was one).
