Hey solo! Congrats on making progress through the book. There are some very helpful nuggets in there.
. I had some coaching calls and they were very helpful... for me... not for the marriage. My ex h was and still is in MLC. As you may have read, there really is nothing you can do to move the crisis along. Nothing. While the coaching calls were helpful, nothing I learned would help to “work” on the marriage. My coach, did however, give me personal advice and helped me frame things so that I could move forward on my own and clean up my side of the street and that was immensely helpful.
If your wife is in MLC, the coaching may not help you to work on the marriage, but it could be helpful for you as an individual. I personally found my DB coach more helpful than my ic.
Good luck.
Hi Pax, Just curious... how often did you do them? Thanks!
I didn't want to answer this earlier because it's very difficult..... and I spent years and years helping her cope. I've been reading HeartsBlesssing's articles today, and she talks about the different "faces" (or personalities) a MLC'er will cycle thru in the replay stage. So my W was raped when she was 12. Needless to say she was a very broken and troubled young woman with deep, deep problems when I came into the picture. Compounding this was her parents divorce around the same time (her mom also MLC'ed and ran away - like I put in another post on this thread). So that article makes me think at some point I'm going to come face to face with her personality from that time, most notably a young assaulted version of my W along with the aftermath teen. That's not going to be pleasant...... but I will stand for her. When I 1st met her, she was doing the whole rebellious teenage sex thing and I was the white knight that saved her. She would have destroyed herself back then....
Now I understand WHY the M is dead (totally breaks my heart), WHY I have to grow NOW, and that it will just never be the same (this completely floors me). All this pain to grow, then we get a new mess to support and heal when it's all over (maybe), and after all that...... accept it's a choice for me and for W to stay together each day. That freaking [censored]. One of the things I LOVED about my M (and I guess will soooo miss forever) is the absolute peace, trust and certainty that I thought was eternal. That aspect is gone, and will never return.
That "aspect" never existed to begin with. You, me and most others here were extremely naive in that regard. We just THOUGHT that our marriages were safe and secure and untouchable. They never were. If we had all known that and had actually WORKED at keeping our marriages strong then most of us would never have ended up here. I've been with my GF over 4 years now and have to put some work in on our R almost every day. Listen and validate when I would rather tell her what to do. Put her first when I would rather put me first. Nurture her while setting aside my own need to be nurtured. Offer her unconditional love when I would rather attach requirements to it. Fight my tendencies to be passive/aggressive, condescending, overly sensitive, etc. etc. It is hard work keeping a relationship healthy. Most people quit doing that hard work after the "honeymoon phase".
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One of the things I thought I knew about love was being open and absolutely vulnerable to your spouse. It was the trust that they wouldn't kill you which was a type of intimacy and trust shared only to one. Once detachment skills are strong I wonder if that too will be gone forever.
I think all that stuff about men being open and vulnerable to women is Hollywood bullshit. Women want their man to be the rock that they can depend on and lean on, the person that will listen when THEY want to be open and vulnerable. If you want to be open and vulnerable then do it over a beer with your best friend.
Call me old fashioned but I would literally do everything to avoid being a teary pile of mush in the presence of a woman, except perhaps with the exception of my Mum or sister, and then only in exceptional circumstances.
Hollywood has a lot to answer for. The rubbish it churns out is, in my opinion, responsible for the dearth of real men in our modern world.
Me: 46 W: 46 T: 23 M: 20 DS12 DD11 DS5
W left: 01/28/08 Discovered OM: 02/26/08 W back for 9 days: 04/08 W returned 05/21/08 EA/PA - 01/08-07/09 W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
GH31. Hollywood is not only responsible for the death of men, but the false promotion of the fantasy of marriage, rainbows unicorns Walt Disney and happily ever after. Even the good ones like Fireproof, and Story of Us, which are great movies on separation and divorce still florify to happy ending into a two hour format. Good depiction but we all here know it drags out a hell of a lot longer than that.
Hi all.....I am a newbie on this site and I am hoping that I am commenting in the correct area!!
I am 8 months post BD...Middle of August '18 my H gave me the''I love you,but am not in love with you'','' I dont feel happy''... I was just 2 weeks after a miscarriage after many failed IVF attempts (long story,but it is male related fertility issue)...... Naturally I felt like my world was falling apart after the mis, but then for him to just BD like that...I was devastated.... I now know he is in the middle of a MLC...after reading articles from Hearts blessing.....He met another woman before he left and obvouisly they connected because they have been in contact ever since...She too had just broken up from a relationship...She is younger than him...He projected for the first few meetings...saying there were many problems in the marriage..some I agree with...more were him just trying to justify his behaviour...He ran away from me,his pet and his home....I went silent from end of November last...only spoke once in January and the very odd text message related to something other than our marriage....He has been away twice with his this ''distraction''as he called her... Last Feb I text him for his birthday... He replied and told me is going to go for counselling... I felt very positive about this and happy for him.... It was another 6 weeks before he actually went...I was getting the updates from family and friends...he contacted me last week to meet and talk....We met face to face on May 11th after 6 months of not seeing each other... It was emotional and difficult.... He was emotional,but his decision still feels right to him...He is very much in replay... He assured me he is not in relationship,doesnt want one and this thing with the OW is very casual...he has been with other women also,so he tells me....acting like a teenager!!! He was very upset,telling me he loved and respected me and I was his best friend!!! How can he say that and then leave the house again...He is living around 20 miles from me...He hates where he is...but not enough to want to come home......... My heart broke all over again when he left... I hated him leaving....he text me telling me it was great to see me and he will continue counselling and see ''where it takes him''.... I know I need to let him go....it is so hard.....I text him today,to see if maybe we opened up our lines of communication would it be easier..He replied saying he doesnt know,he will continue counselling and meet again in a few weeks...He doesnt want to commit to anything,just give me false hope....I am going to let go of the emotional rope and leave him off...because I beleive he is keeping me on a leash until he decides for sure what he wants...Please any nuggets of wisdom out there?
Hi all.....I am a newbie on this site and I am hoping that I am commenting in the correct area!!
I am 8 months post BD...Middle of August '18 my H gave me the''I love you,but am not in love with you'','' I dont feel happy''... I was just 2 weeks after a miscarriage after many failed IVF attempts (long story,but it is male related fertility issue)...... Naturally I felt like my world was falling apart after the mis, but then for him to just BD like that...I was devastated.... I now know he is in the middle of a MLC...after reading articles from Hearts blessing.....He met another woman before he left and obvouisly they connected because they have been in contact ever since...She too had just broken up from a relationship...She is younger than him...He projected for the first few meetings...saying there were many problems in the marriage..some I agree with...more were him just trying to justify his behaviour...He ran away from me,his pet and his home....I went silent from end of November last...only spoke once in January and the very odd text message related to something other than our marriage....He has been away twice with his this ''distraction''as he called her... Last Feb I text him for his birthday... He replied and told me is going to go for counselling... I felt very positive about this and happy for him.... It was another 6 weeks before he actually went...I was getting the updates from family and friends...he contacted me last week to meet and talk....We met face to face on May 11th after 6 months of not seeing each other... It was emotional and difficult.... He was emotional,but his decision still feels right to him...He is very much in replay... He assured me he is not in relationship,doesnt want one and this thing with the OW is very casual...he has been with other women also,so he tells me....acting like a teenager!!! He was very upset,telling me he loved and respected me and I was his best friend!!! How can he say that and then leave the house again...He is living around 20 miles from me...He hates where he is...but not enough to want to come home......... My heart broke all over again when he left... I hated him leaving....he text me telling me it was great to see me and he will continue counselling and see ''where it takes him''.... I know I need to let him go....it is so hard.....I text him today,to see if maybe we opened up our lines of communication would it be easier..He replied saying he doesnt know,he will continue counselling and meet again in a few weeks...He doesnt want to commit to anything,just give me false hope....I am going to let go of the emotional rope and leave him off...because I beleive he is keeping me on a leash until he decides for sure what he wants...Please any nuggets of wisdom out there?
Louise.
It would be better if you created your own thread by using the main page of newcomers and select
Wow, time goes by so fast. Tomorrow is three weeks since BD, this is such a fascinating process. Thanks to all the wonderful people here who lend their experiences and wisdom. I've learned sooooo much, and don't know where I'd be otherwise (in a much worse place I'm sure).
So an update for me: My W is still acting relatively normal. She is withdrawing a lot, and I'm giving her total space. She has an open runway..... no questions asked. I think that's really helped her, I can see much less stress by leaving her alone...and I can see it start to build if I'm around her for more than a few min (then I get outta Dodge and leave her be). At the same time, letting go.... while not fun, absolutely is necessary. Not asking what she's doing, not asking where's shes going, no texts unless she texts first, no calls originating from me, no touching, no I loves you's, no R talk, no talk about the future, very little talk about me, almost all talk centered on her, lots of eye contact....... everything kept very light and pleasant, and I'm opening the door for her when she comes home from travel. Want to make sure she feels safe and welcome. Not time to go dark (later).
Learning how to detach and even harder to put into practice the emotional detachment..... but I know it takes time. So much better than at the start but so much farther to go. She's on my mind all the time because of my concern, but trying to give her to GOD so he can work on her, and understand everything she does is her choice (easy to say, hard to truly grasp). Learning to accept that I have no power and no influence in this process. Her niceness is a veneer that I assume will wear away, so I must be thankful that it exists for now.
Looking for that dark turn but it just hasn't happened yet. Thankful for the time to jump-start my improvement before it gets harder.
Oh.... one thing which is very curious to see and not just read about..... she's dressing like a teen (not always, but it's happened a few times). Such a fascinating process.....
I have merged your two threads together. Please stick to one thread until you have reached 100 postings/replies.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
