I was Put On Notice (PON?..... lol) 13 days ago, and leaped into learning mode. What I found is frankly terrifying (as everyone here already knows much better than I do).
I had the BD happen 5 days ago with the ILYBNILWY (I've only started to learn these acronyms, holy cow there's a lot).
I feel like I'm early in the process in that we still live together, eat together, still talk, and she hasn't turned into an outright monster (outwardly) yet. The breakdowns she's had when we've had these two MR talks (both initiated by her) are very genuine and confirm to me it's 100% a MLC (which I believe I know what stress set off).
I believe she is trying, but this is the slid where the original personality is overcome by this dark tunnel.
She has (at the BD) said she wants to go to consoling by herself, that she is overwhelmed by everything, and that she's a complete wreck and a bad wife. I have not accused, demanded, or applied pressure....... I told her we would go very very slow and create space for both of us to "find ourselves, fix ourselves, improve ourselves". And I see now, I made a lot of mistakes while thinking I was being a good husband. Really a big part of it was I got too soft.I deferred too much in this girl-power environment we live in. I wasn't decisive, wasn't assertive, and just wasn't as manly as I should have been. I didn't help clean like I should have. I would listen but I wouldn't hear. How terrible that it takes this for me to learn. It would have happened anyway because of issues in her childhood and stresses at work (I'm a part of the problem but I'm not THE problem). By and large, I'm a very good husband..... and now I have to grow and be a better person, and a better man. I relish the opportunity, but not the price which must be paid for it.
More than anything, I feel so bad for my W. She is losing her mind and is repeating what her mother did when she was 10. Horrible. I love her with all my heart, and in two weeks is our 21st anniversary.
I've started to work out again (I get addicted to fitness), returning to church after a long absence, and forcing myself to be open to new things. She is questioning why I'm putting up space between us, and I just say "I'm working on me". Next week I'm joining a gym again to take aerobics and spinclass. I'll be there many nights a week, and I'm not sure how she will react to not asking her if she wants to do it with me.
The tricky thing for me is, she seems mostly there still (for now)..... there is the classic "weirdness" going on..... she's getting a tattoo (never would have done that before), doesn't want to go to church (never would have done that before), perception of history is being magnified in negative ways (not too extreme yet), she's having bad feeling about her family (her dad in particular, which would never have happened in the past) and glorifying her mom's actions (which she would never have before). We still sleep in the same bed, live in the same house, cook and eat together, watch shows together. My touch makes her uncomfortable (I can tell), so I'm not touching her. I'm not sharing any problems I'm having and staying very positive for her (best face I can put forth).
So new to this process, but I'm learning voraciously. I don't want to miss an opportunity to work on this early if such a thing exists. I've seen people talk about "catching it early" and I'm not sure what that means.
For now, it's Church.... learning..... becoming more assertive & desirable & respectable...... and most of all spending lots of time with
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I don't think so.... well, not yet. Her mother took off when she was young, and W and her younger sis were scarred for life. It was only five - seven years ago or so that she forgave her mom for what she did to them (leaving them and running off with another man). I know this increases the risk factor for an A dramatically with her. That understanding is very sobering. I can either learn to deal with it beforehand, or be absolutely destroyed later. Eyes wide open.
She is on the phone all the time, which drives me nuts but that's the world we live in now. I would love to go back to landlines. Mostly she plays mindless puzzle games to relax her mind, funny videos on facebook or chatting with her mom or sis.... she's had sleeping problems due to stress for a while now. I've noticed that since being Put On Notice and the BD she is sleeping better. At least there's that. It makes me wonder if that's normal..... release stress (into me) and then sleep good.
She isn't secretive about her phone, but she normally has it. I've never looked at her phone and I never will. By the same token, she's never looked at mine. We've always trusted each other.
I haven't seen anything to suggest an A, but really she travels a lot for work. If she has an A I doubt it would be local and I will never know.
Yes typically WWs have been thinking about dropping the bomb for years so when they do it’s a big relief for them.
Does she travel with people from work? I ask because 95% of the time there’s another person involved. You know a “friend “ helping them through a tough time.
Hey man. Sorry you are here. That is exactly how my WW started off. Started detaching. She started traveling a lot more for work. Started saying she wanted space. Was on her phone all the time with new progressive friends. Wouldnt let me touch her, stopped being intimate etc. I got the ILYBIDLY speech in August 2018.
October 2018 I confirmed it was an affair. Like you said, eyes wide open. My WW started with a MLC when my older daughter moved out. It went downhill from there. At first she was just a little distant. The difference with my WW us she started being extremely ugly to me. She was pushing me away by being hateful. As far as I could tell she was trying to hurt me so I would accept that we were separated. Then her excuse for having the A was that we were separated. Which of course we werent. Twisting the past got bad to the point where she told me I was a horrible H and our marriage was sh*t.
You are ahead of the game. Detach, give her space, keep an eye for flags of an A because its very possible she met someone and they are both feeding the waywardness.
Unfortunately my M is ending in D. But I have focused solely on myself and my kids and I am content with it.
Read everything here. Read Divorce Remedy. Start reading everything you can. Good luck. I hope you can save tour M.
One thing about IC for the W. Be aware that they will tell her to do what makes her happy. My WW qent to IC and her IC just validated that she needed to do what makes her happy and D me. Same with the MC we went to once after confirmation of PA.
You got this. Its a very long and painful journey. But you will either end up a better man for yourself or a better man that your W recognizes and wants to work on the MR with. She has to find herself and love herself first. Nothing you do will make her change her mind. So focus on yourself with zero expectation from her.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
Very sorry to hear your M is ending in D. I can't imagine the hurt and pain people here have gone thru.
Yes that was my initial thought about counseling..... could be good, could be VERY bad. Truthfully, I will be surprised if she does it. Her mind is all over the place. If it does happen, it will be a major concern to me.
I've got all Michele Weiner-Davis's books on the way. I had bought a program from another well known person about MLC, and that was an amazing primer but left me with lots of questions and confusion. Com'on books..... I'm waiting on you!!!
LH, She occasionally travels with coworkers but generally no. What could be considered her best friends.... one used to work with her, the other works with her..... both female, both divorced.
I know (or at least I think I know) what set off the MLC....... My W and I have been very driven to succeed. We are both workaholics and we've both gotten to the top of where we can currently go. She is an executive at the company she works for, and I'm a director at the place I work for. She has shattered the glass ceiling more than a few times...... she just ran into another one several months ago and it doesn't look like she's getting thru this one. This would be the 1st time she's never overcome a barrier like that. It hit her really hard..... I'm understanding now how hard. It seemed overdone at the time [man-brain].
My WW started hanging out with women that were going through divorce and already divorced as well. They surround themselves with like minded people who validate their feelings which helps them justify what they are doing.
My WW is just barely calming down now. I was literally her enemy for about eight months. She treated me as such. I dropped the rope and never looked back. I was very hurt and not doing well from August 2018 through December 2018. But I let her go.
I have moved on and will be moving out on the 1st. Im looking forward to it. Just now my STBXWW is noticing that I am a much different person than she convinced herself I was. But its too late. She pushed me away too far and now I dont want to remain married. She hasnt hinted that she does either, but even if she wanted to I wouldnt get nack with someone who thinks its ok to have extramarital sex and mistreat the man who loved and supported them for two decades so poorly.
Im just hoping to have a minimal contact cordial co-parenting relationship with her. Thats it. Plenty of other fish in the sea. Plenty that would never lose sight of their values and morals.
Its a marathon and not a race. Even if we end up D, the finish line is loving ourselves and being content that we are the best version of ourselves that we can be.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
I'm an optimist and always believe in happy endings....... have to hold to that.
Question: So my W and I haven't really touched (at all) since the second big R talk where the ILYBINILWY bomb was dropped. She's been pretty nice since then, and yeah..... I've been doing behavior modification (not for her, or rather not just for her) since. I make it a point to make a LOT of eye contact now and be completely decisive now..... no screwing around. Yesterday she asked if there was anything I wanted from the store, being decisive now I said Bayer Aspirin (not thinking she would remember anyway... she's been forgetting anything she says she'll do). Today she actually texts at the end of the day and says "do you need anything other that Aspirin?". I text back and say "nope that's it. Thanks". When she arrives home, I open the door for her, smile and keep eye contact with her as she enters....... she leans in and kisses me. Later that night as we talk about our days, I actually get her to laugh.... a REAL laugh.... it's been a long time since that's happened. Then after all that, she gets cold and irritated (nothing nasty, just irritated).
So my question is: If a MLC'er or WAS (or combo) "slips up" and enjoys you for a little while..... they drag themselves back involuntary?
Has laughter been used as a treatment for MLC or WAS? There's joy in laughter, seems like a way to punch thru the confusion even for a moment?
Still getting used to this stuff in the real world.
I can't tell you what to believe in, or how to walk this road that has emerged in front of you. I can show the what shoes are available. Truth is - there are the shoes, that will make the walk somewhat easier and comfortable, and there are the shoes, that will drag this along for the rest of your life, and cause a lot of unneeded hurt in your life.. What you need to know is, that no matter what pair you choose, you will find yourself walking the counterintuitive path, it will be confusing, it will hurt and it will be a a long walk...
Heres the deal.. We all come here with the mindset, that our situation is special, and because of that, the solution is somewhat different. The fact is, sorry, that thats rarely the case. What is different is, the persons coming here, trying to save their marriage. Its how the person responds to the advice they are given. Are they accepting the fact, that an OM most likely exists, that the M is over, and that what needs to happen is a complete detachment, in order to MAYBE rebuild a NEW marriage down the road? or do they brush that advice off, and think the advice is foolish? Neither person is wrong, because... you know what you think is best, and if you think your path is the right one, then dont take all the advice on - I am just saying, its almost ridiculous, how often the pattern turns out to be the same with newcomers here.
Heres my take on your situation:
You had something great, a marriage - now you dont, and you are hurting. You are trying desperately to find out why it crashed and burned, and what you should have done differently, because surely the fault lies with you right? Please, it takes two to do the dance, but only one to find dessert elsewhere, she most likely did, sorry. Do not put her on a piedestal, and make all the problems about you, thats not helping you by any means.
Kisses, hugs, laughs... Cake eating, securing you as plan B, Insecurities with plan A... There are several reasons to why this could happen, and none of them might have anything to do with her wanting a M with you.
You working out is great, takes mind of things, and gets you in shape, builds attraction. You telling here regarding the new experienced distance in the relationship: "I am working on me", is great... Now show her that you are... Stop talking... It doesnt matter with the crying, its not getting you the effect you want it to, trust me.. Go out and do stuff for you, be scarce.. If she talks and you are home, be polite and upbeat, but do not initiate conversation. Keep going to the gym.. Keep making this about you, keep giving her the space she needs.
You will soon be very wiser on your situation. We all were..
I am rooting for you!
BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018. EA: June 2018 PA: August 2018 - ongoing Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
