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Nyla79 Offline OP
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I have a follow up question. I'm so confused. My husband shows a lot of signs for MLC but at the same time when he talks to me he is always nice and even when he blames me for everything that he thinks was wrong in our marriage, he says it quite matter of factly. He wants to have the kids half of the time and so far he has done that also.

I only text him about kids when I have to. He does the same, but many times he also wants us to meet face to face to talk about them. He's drowning himself with work, working 60-80 hours a week. I don't know if the affair is still going, I'm assuming it is as I heard from a friend that the girl has rented her apartment out in Germany, so now my fear is that she's moving to Spain to be with him. Which is insane since they've only known each other since mid February!!!

Could this be something other than MLC? What should I do?

I'm so sad, and I do my best to GAL, but I just want him back so much. I think I was doing better already but now I'm down again.


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Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Hi Nyla.

No major words of wisdom here that have not already been told to you. Your H sound like mine did... unhappy for four years but was trying to fix it without telling me. In my mind, this was just about letting resentment and anger build until he felt like he had enough justification to leave. Your instincts around the OW are probably accurate. My H insisted...swore on our children’s lives...that there was no one else despite evidence to the contrary. He was really just biding his time. Our divorce is being filed this month. He is buying a house with his OW that he only admitted to me was an OW at the beginning of March.

I so know what you are going through Nyla. I was a mess when all of this started. All I could think about was getting him back and was beating myself up for not seeing how bad things were. But that has changed over time and it will for you if you follow the advice of the people on this board. Your H is going down a path right now that he fully believes is the right one. The more you fight it, the more positive he will become that he is doing the right thing. As others have suggested, it is imperative you look out for you and your children right now. Get a lawyer. Know your rights and what you are entitled to. GAL and do your 180s but don’t do it to win him back... do it to save yourself.

It’s been eight months since BD and my H moved out. I resisted letting him go for so long but eventually got on board and started to see things more clearly. My H was always away and I was slowly but surely losing myself in the face of his emotional and physical abandonment. I do not miss those days. I do not miss him... at least not the person I was married to the last few years. I was living with the ghost of the man I fell in love with. Once I realized and accepted that, life got a whole lot easier. I have many things to be thankful for and these are the things that I stay focused on. I have good friends, supportive family, a good job and amazing children who love me unconditionally. Let your H go Nyla. Save yourself. You will be very glad that you did.

(((HUGS)))



Oh my goodness, your situation sound a lot like mine. My husband has travelled a lot for work for almost 14 years now. And in the last years I have felt lonely. And now I have been trying to figure out if this is the marriage I want to save, because of this loneliness. But I always come back to square one, that yes, he is the man I want to be with, and I know we could have a great marriage, if we would get a chance. But also sometimes I wonder if this is a blessing in disguise, my out as well as his.

Like I've said, I wish I had a crystal ball....


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Nyla,

Breathe! Whatever is going on w/your h, you have to give him space and time to figure things out. The problem is that you didn't break him, so you can't fix him. He has to do that all on his own. You are doing the right thing by only texting him when it is necessary.

You have to try to keep the focus on you and your children. It's going to be difficult, but you have to continue living your life as if he may not come back. I know you want him back right now, but you do not want him the way he is. Nyla, you can do this!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hi Nyla79..
I am also a newbie on here... Our stories are so similar..... My H told me was trying to be happy for the past few years.. basically all our married life, I must have been blind because I certainly didn't see that one coming... He also moved out and we had little or no contact for 6 months..Until last week.. He has been in contact with OW since he left, he has been abroad with her on 2 occasions that I know of...He swore to me on Saturday last, he was not in a relationship, it is only casual and that he doesn't want a relationship!, she is a ''distraction''...He is going to counselling, which I am beginning to think is only a smoke screen.. For years he wanted a camper van.. and last year we were in financial position to get one.. He designed the lay out inside and really put a lot of work into it... We got the van last June and he left in August!!!He was ''unhappy'' all along and getting the camper was him trying to be happy!! I now have the van, and when I said he couldn't have the van when he wanted because I wouldn't know what he would be doing in it.. He did not like it... It is very obvious he is still very much in replay and not thinking about the consequences.. But I am now starting to accept what he says he wants and move on.. I meeting with a psychotherapist next week and I am upskilling, which will be a my ''distraction''... Their behaviour is baffling..it is hard to get your head around the fact that this is the man you married... Will he ever come out of it.. I dont know... But I am 9 months on and nothing has changed...
''you didn't break him, so you cant fix him''!

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Nyla

Everything you are feeling is normal--
It hurts a lot in the beginning but as time goes on we heal-

As I look back I am grateful my XH left-
we were not in a good M and being with him was difficult at times even b4 MLC
he was an unavailable man
at that time I didn't realize that and only wanted him back-

The thing is you will know more later-
right now is a good time to create new acticities for you and the kids
Be very available to the kids
stay busy
make friends, get therapy, post read eat rest and sleep
create a good energy in your home for you and the kids
and trust in God or whatever spiritual beliefs you have-to get you all through this
get a L advice and know your rights-

heal and it will get better as time moves on

treat you H kindly , be cordial
but put yourself first as he is putting himself before you and the kids and the MLCer is manipulative and lies
do not trust him at all-


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Nyla79 Offline OP
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Hi again,

So again my morning started out with craziness. I haven't really told people about my husbands affair or our crisis. Firstly because I think it's private and secondly we moved away from my homwtown 3 years ago, so I was hoping I didn't need to. My husband still travels to my hometown regulary. Now I heard from my sister that people from his work know about our separation and of his girlsfriend, which in a small town means that everyone knows.

I'm so angry and hurt (again) if he was going to go public with this, I would have wanted to know. Now I want to call him up and confront him, or at least let him know that EVERYONE knows now too. I don't think he has openly talked about his new girlfriend, but people have probably seen him with her on his trips. He has always been very careful about his reputation and I think it would bother him that people know. But most importantly it bothers me that my family now knows before I got to tell them.

So before acting I'm asking you all, should I say something or just not react? It does bother me because I was going for a visit to my homwtown in June, but now I really don't feel like going. I don't want to answer questions about my marriage.


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DnJ Offline
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Good Morning Nyla

My, at the time W, went public with OM days after she left. Flaunting him around our small town - everyone knew. This behaviour didn’t last too long, around a month; then getting no more reactions she stopped.

It looks to me like your H didn’t go public, he just got sloppy sneaking around with OW, and perhaps told a few people around work. Of course that’s all it takes for gossip to spread.

You should not talk to H about this. No reason to confront him, he may not have gone as public as you suspect, and your confronting will just feed his justifications about what he is doing, and you will get more blame. If he did blow the lid off and went public, well, let him. Who cares! Confronting in this case would be just arguing, and he will blame you. Not many winning paths here are there. So let him go, let him do his thing, and focus on you and your kids.

You should speak with your family. If they have heard rumours you could let them know the facts. They probably are concerned and care, and really don’t know what to do. You need not go into all the details, or you can confide about it all, or you need not even do any of this - it really depends on what relationship you have with the family member(s).

I suggest you address whatever they already think they know. You didn’t reach out to them, waiting to inform them at a later time, so I am guessing your relationship is not one to confide with them.

As for your hometown. I see you now feel like you don’t want to go. Feeling are fleeting. You say you don’t want to answer questions about your marriage. Ok, I get that. That aside, why did you want to go before you found out about everyone knowing? That reason hasn’t changed.

It takes work and mental assertiveness to keep his MLC from affecting you; from affecting your mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual self. Detachment is necessary. Placing some separation between you and him in thought and language helps. You’ve been married for a long time and see the two of you as a couple, as one unit. A perfectly normal and understandable view. You need to change that and place some separation between you two. An example:

Originally Posted by Nyla79
So again my morning started out with craziness. I haven't really told people about my husbands affair or our crisis.

How about:

Quote
So again my morning started out with craziness. I haven't really told people about my husband’s affair or our and his crisis.

It is his affair and his crisis. Not your’s. Do not take it on. Do not get drag into it. It is not our’s.

When you go, and I mean when not if, when you go to your home town and someone asks you about your marriage. Just tell them H filed for divorce. You don’t even have to tell them that much, but this is the truth and it quashes rumours.

I feel for what you are going through. It is not an easy the path you are on. Keep focusing on you and the kids. It will and does get better.

Stay strong.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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I'm sorry you are here and going through this unwanted journey. You are in good hands here, as there are kind, considerate people that have successfully navigated this journey that will give you good advise. Here's a few things:

Originally Posted by Nyla79
Now I want to call him up and confront him, or at least let him know that EVERYONE knows now too.


This is useless. I did this to my H when I found out he hooked up with his OW again after he moved out. They will downplay and lie, so don't bother. He certainly knows that people are aware of what's going on. He probably doesn't care.


Originally Posted by Nyla79
So before acting I'm asking you all, should I say something or just not react? It does bother me because I was going for a visit to my hometown in June, but now I really don't feel like going. I don't want to answer questions about my marriage.


You have nothing to be hiding from. This behavior is on HIM, not you. Further, you don't have to answer any questions about your marriage. It's nobody's business except yours. If questions arise, you can just say "it's a private matter", and change the subject. Don't let your H's behavior dictate your actions or plans. Go on your trip, and have a terrific time!


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Thank you so much DnJ and Grace21! Even though I wish I didn't even know about this forum, reading all the threads and getting answers helps so much!

Especially DnJ's correction to my writing, what a lightbulb moment! Such a simple thing and I didn't even realize I was doing it. Even when I know it isn't my fault he's acting the way he is, my initial reaction was of horror of what will people think of me now, because he has been such a good man, that obviously they will blame me for his affair. What a crazy way to think about this. And it doesn't really matter what people think, in the end.

Thank you for helping me thru this day!


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Hi Nyla

You are welcome.

Glad your outlook is better.

All those small steps add up and before you realize it, your in a better place.

By the way you put a little more spring in my strides this morning.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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