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I know what you mean: if they return too soon and did not yet complete the crisis then they might relapse and leave again. Which is partly why I don’t pressure him. He might give in, but then what would i have. A man who does not sincerely want to be with me. Much like the OW has now ... in A sense.

Believe me I have thought about whether standing is the best way to go for A lot of reasons. At this time I just take one day at A time and try to focus on me and that is already enough on my plate:

You know sometimes he asks things about my life and there are things I don’t mind sharing but sometimes I make it clear (gently) that right now that is none of his business ... and then he gets irritated. Like he expects nothing has changed.


Fiance in MLC. Both end 30s.

T15y Engaged, no children, were trying.
BD1 Dec 2017
BD2 May 2018
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You are doing well-

I think by trusting ourselves we will be lead to the right direction-
and sometimes standing for a while is best

it gives us more time to see what going on with our MLCer and at the same time
we grieve and heal


married 14 years
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D final 3 /09
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Well, after about 2 months he asks to meet. But, apparently he wants to meet during working hours. Even if I would want to (which, to be clear, I don’t) it’s impossible for me to take time off the coming weeks. I do have an idea why it is so important to him to meet during the day. That way the OW would not know about it. Which is exactly the reason I don’t want to do that. I am worth more than being a secret. So, I sent a reply saying unfortunately that is not possible, but surely we can find a suitable time in the evening? He also asked to pick up some mail, but that time is not convenient for me. So he said, if he is willing to take time off he was hoping I would be willing to do the same. Mind you taking time off for him means not planning any meetings since he works freelance. Whereas for me it really means taking time off work. He also asked to put the mail by the front door so he can take it. But, I prefer he does not enter when I am not home. So that’s what I said, I am willing to find a suitable time to meet in the evening and he cannot enter the house to pick up mail if I am not there. Now he asks if I can send his mail because he doesn’t want to miss some payment that is due. Well I don’t know what’s in it but surely this is not my responsibility?

I am putting boundaries ... no secret meetings, no rushing off if we meet, and no trespassing. Doesn’t seem that unreasonable to me ...? Right now he doesn’t react angry, he remains nice and polite but it seems he does try to get it his way. Also, he refuses to say why it is important to meet during the day (which to me is a huge red flag ...). Sounds familiar?


Fiance in MLC. Both end 30s.

T15y Engaged, no children, were trying.
BD1 Dec 2017
BD2 May 2018
Lives with OW
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Boundaries are a good thing

do what you feel/think is best to take care of yourself-

The Mlcer will always try to push to get it their way, but you can stick with it

No reason he should be at your home when you are not there-


married 14 years
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M ow D ow
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Glad I am not the only one thinking I am not unreasonable. We will see. He is not used to me putting boundaries.


Fiance in MLC. Both end 30s.

T15y Engaged, no children, were trying.
BD1 Dec 2017
BD2 May 2018
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You could just be blunt about it. "No. I can't afford to take off work. Why can't we meet after work - are you afraid your girlfriend will get jealous?" Then he'll meet you at night just to prove he's not controlled by her. Haha.

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I might just do that next time smile . Well, he says he has no problem with me opening his personal mail because "he does not have any secrets for me". Whoa. First of all, he does have a BUNCH of secrets for the OW, so that's saying something, but at this time it does not concern me. Second, that USED to be true. He has no secrets for me, and yet he refuses to tell me why he wants to meet during daytime. Hm. I might just bring that one up.

Anyway ... I replied (kind, but firm) that I appreciate the trust he has in me, but that at this time his personal mail is not my business, that he can come and pick it up whenever I am home (no trespassing!) and if he wants to meet, surely we can find a suitable evening (or perhaps, weekend).

That was 3 days ago. Up till now, complete silence again.

Last edited by Papagena; 06/14/19 01:23 PM.

Fiance in MLC. Both end 30s.

T15y Engaged, no children, were trying.
BD1 Dec 2017
BD2 May 2018
Lives with OW
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 16
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I has been about 6 weeks since I wrote last. I have good and bad days. I lost 10 kgs, still about 20 to go but I do feel better already.

As for the MLC, haven't seen him in about 3 months. I did hear from him sometimes, mostly for the mail ... he did pick it up and then kind of accused me for not paying a bill. That's when I thought I am done with this nonsense, if he can't be responsible for his own mail then he needs to change the company address asap. So I explained I felt like he did not take responsibility and I would like him to change the company address. Got a reply back saying I could have given him a warning I was not about to pay the bills (?!) but anyway as for the mail he saw 2 options, 1/we put a second mailbox outside and each take a key that way he would not have to enter the house or 2/ we settle the house (I buy his share) he collects all of his stuff and moves the company address.

I was like wait ... what? It is actually pretty easy to have your mail sent through to another address so I don't get why he did not do that. (He would have to drive an hour total to pick up the mail!!). But anyway I was not about to put a second box so I said this situation isn't my choice, but since he asks and I want to avoid issues in the future (like who is going to pay for things concerning the house etc) I propose we settle the house.

It took him a week to reply, saying he wanted to avoid this (?! He proposed it?!) but maybe I am right it is the best thing to do, and this situation must hurt both of us and he is sorry for that.(I know, never believe anything he says right now).

Well that is about the most insightful thing I heard since we did the exercise back in March (no follow up on that one though ... I did listen to him back then, this exercise was his doing, and it showed quite a lot of insight but it seems this was a one time moment of brightness ...).

Settling the house for me is purely practical and does not have anything to do with standing or not standing.

To me it seems like he is just frozen. He does not do anything. Not even the typical MLC stuff of spending and going out etc ... when I hear something it's just depression all over.

I am not sure he realises when the house is settled, if he does not do any effort he will not hear or see me again because I will not be the one initiating anything. I guess that wasn't part of his plan ...


Fiance in MLC. Both end 30s.

T15y Engaged, no children, were trying.
BD1 Dec 2017
BD2 May 2018
Lives with OW
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