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Now that you mention it. I know depression is a big part of MLC but I know some people with « regular » depression and the big difference is they all know what is wrong with them and most of them get professional help. That said, you might be right it is good to read about depression.

Papageno often says he has issues. He even admitted he is not happier in his new life (well, he literally said he feels depressed and anxious and it all goes very deep). It seems deep down the knowledge is there but he fails to act upon it.

Rest assured he picked an OW with as much issues, one he tries to rescue. This has been going on for some time and I have seen him get worse. Working out excessively, new clothes (though that was partly necessary due to weight loss), wanting to cover the gray hairs, talking about plastic surgery (as far as I can see he hasn’t had any yet)

I think in time (sometimes LONG time) most will recover but I also think this kind of thing changes people. For the good or for the bad remains to be seen.


Fiance in MLC. Both end 30s.

T15y Engaged, no children, were trying.
BD1 Dec 2017
BD2 May 2018
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I read the thread about being a doormat that is in the welcome post. Quite a few posts out there describe exactly how I feel. Especially in dealing with other people. I have been careful not to disclose too much to my family, because I don’t want to burn bridges. (I am pretty sure if I told them he lives with the OW right now, it would make things extremely difficult to mend in the future). A lot of people are concerned I am/act like a doormat. However, I do not feel that way. I do have set boundaries. For example: no discussing anything concerning the OW with me. No texting or calling when he is with me (probably he lied to her about where he is at that moment, but that is not my responsibilty ... and since she expects him to be available all the time (who the *** can live with such a controlling person?!) it might be an issue).

I also said last time if he truly wants to fix things I would want to be there but since he lives with the OW he has to understand he is making this very difficult (or something similar). And since he does not take any steps I often wonder did I do the right thing there ... It’s like someone said in the Doormat thread I don’t want him to think I am done with this and it is impossible to fix things - but there are conditions - only sometimes I think he did not hear it that way.


Fiance in MLC. Both end 30s.

T15y Engaged, no children, were trying.
BD1 Dec 2017
BD2 May 2018
Lives with OW
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He knows that you want to be there when he wants to fix things, but he's not ready to do that right now. Talking to him about it isn't going to snap him out of his funk...but it may push him even further into the MLC fog. The best thing you can do is listen, offer no advice unless he asks for it.

You've set your boundaries and he is very much aware of them. Do not waffle when setting boundaries.

He has to fix himself before he can even begin to think of repairing the relationship w/you. He's not even close to be "healed" and the crisis can take many years to recover from. Try to remember,, the more you push, the further he will run from you.

Keep the focus on you. Live your life as if he may not return. Find things to keep yourself busy and try to remember...you did not break him, therefore you can't fix him.



Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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That is something I have to constantly remind myself of, for even though he is much “nicer” (by lack of a better word, sorry I am not a native English speaker!) than most MLCers I read about ... and by that I mean he does say there were many good things between us, does not blame me for just about everything including the fact that it rains today, and never showed any anger towards me, he still reminds me of the things he considered an issue in our relationship. And the thing is, he is right he mentioned these things long before this MLC started. That makes me doubt the whole MLC thing sometimes even though in other aspect he is a textbook patient.

I did not initiate that last talk to be clear. He did. He was the one suggesting we did the exercise. That was one of the reasons I thought well maybe something will change. I still think it did take some courage to propose it, knowing there might be a chance I would not be interested. I told him that as well, that I did acknowledge that must have taken some courage. Though, sometimes I wonder were these intentions genuine, or was it just a strategy to make sure I would not go anywhere?

He keeps saying he is trying to get his company back on track and that is the way out of this mess. Well ... perhaps. I would think professional help is needed, but he needs to make that call. The fact is, the actual MLC trigger, looking back, was the conflict with his business partner so perhaps trying to rekindle the business is not a bad thing. I also notice he stopped doing the Tupperware stuff he started on the side (I nearly choked when I found out. He used to need a GPS to find his way to our kitchen ...).

I actually don’t think I push anything. I admit I used to make that mistake in the beginning, didn’t we all ...

I do try to focus on myself. Sometimes I just need to vent and the best place is right here because I know I won’t be judged. People in my circle of friends and family mostly don’t understand, warn me not to be a doormat, or think I should be over him and just move on. Even though I do this for ME in the first place, sometimes I do wonder how he can be aware of these changes since he does not live at home and we do not meet that often. Certain changes consider some of the issues he had ... I guess for some of the other ones he will just have to trust me in due course, like I would have to trust him not to do something like this again.


Fiance in MLC. Both end 30s.

T15y Engaged, no children, were trying.
BD1 Dec 2017
BD2 May 2018
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This is a good place to vent
DB helped teach me to change for me-

It gave me a way to deal with the beginning of MLC and all the posters understand and have been thru it-
It helped me change and be the best version of me possible when he left

I practiced detachment
I grieved ,cried ,screamed and got all things out in therapy

I was cordial and supportive to my XH
I have no regrets with him- not one-

Many family members and friends may not understand MLC
But there are many women out there who do get it and have experienced similar situations
I met many supportive people on the journey, and you will too

Continue to work on you as you are-
Watch the MLCer..but do not pursue any talks

In fact you may want to be more mysterious, don't answer calls for a few days
be busy

don't let him know you are waiting around-
you are creating a new and better life

If he decides to leave the OW and try again-
you will be the first to know

I don't think many mlcers will return to a LBS who is waiting-
I think they may be more inclined to be curious to see what you are doing if you are detached and busy

But remember nothing we can do can make them come back-
many things can push them away-


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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Rest assured I got the being mysterious part - BD was A year ago, 1.5 years actually, in the beginning this was A case of fake it till you make it smile but not anymore. My first coach gave me A rule of thumb. She said unless it is really urgent, for every 3 times he contacts you (text, mail, call) you can answer once, and only after at least A couple hours. It sounds stupid, but it helped!!


Fiance in MLC. Both end 30s.

T15y Engaged, no children, were trying.
BD1 Dec 2017
BD2 May 2018
Lives with OW
Joined: May 2019
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Sometimes I do wonder about the OW and his new life. I know it’s not the best thing to do and most of the time I don’t. But sometimes, I can’t help myself. He was pretty depressed when he left home to live with her. I can’t imagine that went out of the window all of a sudden. Plus, he has a lot more responsibility with her ... children, and the need to provide an income. (With me it was not really an issue, I earn enough for the both of us plus there were no children). And let’s not forget the stalker ex husband he so desperately wanted to save her from (believe me he even wrote her texts to send to the ex husband because she was either not smart enough, or was playing the damsel in distress).

Anyway either he has to put on a mask all the time to not show his depressed self to the OW (and that must cost a lot of energy) and/or she has to put up with it. How that is going to last is beyond me. I don’t ask anything and like I said I put the boundary he cannot discuss anything with me that involves her. But sometimes I do wonder ... he says he fell in love, but did he really? Isn’t it more like an addiction, and they gave up a lot to be together both of them so if they leave now ... they would both have to own up to a lot of bad decisions.

He keeps saying he never should have made this decision under that much pressure (OW pressure). He’s been saying this for like 9 months or so but he doesn’t change. Yep, I know, never believe anything he says right now.

As for her, she pressures him in about everything. Leaving me for her, changing his address, meeting his parents, going to the big family New Year gathering (that was the one thing he refused and they had a huge fight over it apparently), “being out in the open” (in the past I accidentally found out about their joint FB profile which clearly is her doing.). Meanwhile she blocks me whenever possible. Even though she does not have a reason, ie I never call, never contact them, unless absolutely necessary (1 time in a year!) and yet she feels it is necessary to do so. Could it be she feels threatened by me because deep down she knows very well what is going on, that they don’t have love but mutual addiction that will not last, and she bears no comparison to me because, even though buried deeply, the love he has is still for me? (Sorry if it is not put correctly)

Venting done for the day I guess wink .


Fiance in MLC. Both end 30s.

T15y Engaged, no children, were trying.
BD1 Dec 2017
BD2 May 2018
Lives with OW
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Hi

Yes it is an addiction

You are doing well-a lot of insight

Think about this
everything is energy--Yes its true, you are not calling or stalking

but they may feel your intense need to figure it out-
It is when our energy shifts----really shifts--really letting go

Train your mind to wish him and her all the best of happiness
Train your mind to let him go-
let them feel your gone- no thoughts about them no talks about them


takes time --yes
Their Relationship will never work but they can stay together for a long time-
eventhough
they will not find the true love they seek

yes-she is a control freak

The last message I got in 2018 was from my XH lovely OW(wife)-
She told me he has ruined her life and she wants to ship him back??

I never responded-

For some reason the MLCer will pick needy controlling women and leave a LBS who was a way better choice-
Hard to figure out-


married 14 years
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bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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Thanks for the reply. You know, as for her, I can’t wish her Happiness yet. It is already a huge step I don’t wish her dead anymore ... I just try to not feel anything about her. (Going for an engaged man is already bad. But telling me to my face we will need to give him time, and meanwhile giving him a date on which he has to have made up his mind ... that is a new level of lying snake, sorry ...)

As for him, that is actually one of the things that makes it so difficult. If I would see he is happy, that would be difficult for me, but I sincerely wish he would be, after all I still love this man. But, every time I see or hear him it is more than clear he is not happy at all. He even admits he feels depressed, sees no future and it goes very deep. To hear him say that and to clearly see he does not look happy at all ... that is very frustrating.

He even says he still loves me, and even though he certainly doesn’t act like it, that is the one thing I do believe.

Funny you should say that about energy. That is exactly what I think. A couple nights ago I dreamt I sat with the OW and told her I forgave her everything. Funny enough since then I do feel a bit softer about her, even though I have not yet consciously forgiven her. The night after that, I dreamt something about me and my MLCer that is really not to be published wink .

I try to occupy myself and focus on other things. I guess it is more difficult right now since Bomb Drop Anniversary is coming up in 2 days. Sometimes I wonder if he remembers.

Last edited by Papagena; 05/15/19 06:41 PM.

Fiance in MLC. Both end 30s.

T15y Engaged, no children, were trying.
BD1 Dec 2017
BD2 May 2018
Lives with OW
Joined: Apr 2007
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That's ok wishing her the best will come especially if we train our minds

Their new life together is none of your business-and as time moves on he will fade away
especially if you limit contact

I know you love him
but you are not M to him and it could be easier to move on b4 kids ect…

Sometimes the MLCer will repeat more of the same with infidelity even if they return and seem sincere
we see this a lot on these boards
Im sure you have thought about that but follow your heart and gut

and continue to make your life better , heal and keep going
as you practice more detaching and letting go


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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