Married couple from Scandinavia

[BenB]

I’m not a betting man , but the type of man that gets involved with another’s mans wife on FB I would expect is an old acquaintance from her past . Dumping you is to clear the way for her in her fantasy mind where you are in the way . Get reading on some of the help posts here , wise advice from , etc .

Use the time to improve yourself, you have the gift of time , keep smiling and keep marching soldier

That would be interesting but all her old acquaintances live in another country. Wish I knew.

I am reading and improving myself, that´s all I´ve been doing for the last 5 months. I still haven´t had a proper BD. All she has said is that she wants this to be fixed, that the best thing would be if things worked out between us so we can be a couple. Feels like that´s so she can be cake eating but there´s always that doubt.

Right now, I´m still leaning towards her moving out. With or without an OM, I don´t like to be in a relationship with no intimacy. That´s the main problem for me.

[Tryhard]

Sorry I may have got a bit confused with what was going on . All I an say is be the better option, whether it’s mlc or OM . I don’t know how you feel but validation from other women seemed to show my value and highlight what would be lost especially when the green eyes are there .

[BenB]

Sorry I may have got a bit confused with what was going on . All I an say is be the better option, whether it’s mlc or OM . I don’t know how you feel but validation from other women seemed to show my value and highlight what would be lost especially when the green eyes are there .

I completely agree that would be helpful but how did you go about that? I´ve been working out so hard since this started and I´ve never looked this good. A few weeks ago I was out with a friend at a bar and a very attractive girl started flirting with me. I showed her my ring but that made her even more interested. Especially since my friend told her I was going through a difficult time with my W. It became too much so we left but the whole time I was thinking that I wish my W would have seen that somehow. I have zero interest in other women at this point.

My W and I don´t do much besides dinners, movies and TV together these days. How could she me getting validation from other women?

[BenB]

Journal

Been a while so thought I´d update on what´s happened this past week.

Last Thursday I was invited to a party in another city. I accepted the invitation and decided to stay until Saturday to get some space from W. When things were fine between us we would always stay in touch throughout the day, sending messages to each other. That stopped when things changed of course. An hour before midnight the day of the party I received a message from W: "I´m going to bed now, did you have fun?" I didn´t see the message until 2 hours later and responded that it was great but unusually cold for that time of year(outdoor party).

When I woke up around 8.30 am the next day she had messaged me again, W: "I wanna go to Italy! crave it". We used to love Italy. It was our favorite destination and we have traveled to most places. We have this inside joke where we often send each other the angry emoji. We´ve done that almost our entire relationship. So if she for example would message me "I love you" I would as a joke respond with the angry emoji. And vice versa. So to answer her message about Italy, I just sent that emoji and she responded with the same.

Had things been fine between us I would have planned a trip for us when she said that. Shortly after she asks if I have any restaurant recommendations, her and her colleagues wanted to go somewhere new for lunch that day as they were tired of the usual places. I send a few names to places I know are good and she thanks me. Later that evening I was expecting an important letter so I ask her to let me know when she checks the mailbox. She responds that she and her colleagues are going to have drinks before she goes home but she´ll let me know. The rest of the evening she messages me more than usual. She tells me there´s a pop up farmers market near where we live, where they were having drinks. She sends me pictures of the food and everything she orders. I just respond a short "very cool".

Later in the evening she writes "I am staying home tomorrow btw" followed by an angry emoji. I know at the time she is writing this she means she would like it if I stay home with her. I respond only with an angry emoji. "Tomorrow" means Saturday so the day I was returning home from my trip. I had a lunch reservation at 1pm with a friend so she knew I would be gone for a few hours during the day but I had no plans in the evening. Perhaps it was best if I made myself busy in the evening as well but I really didn´t want to. I enjoy spending time with her still. As I arrive home from the airport she greets me with a hug at the door. We talk a little bit, she tells me she is having massive PMS anxiety. She adds that ever since she took out the contraceptive implant her PMS anxiety has increased and today it´s really bad. Before I said a word she burst in to tears. Important to know - my w NEVER cries! In almost 10 years together I´ve seen it maybe 4 times and twice have been over reading about animals being hurt. I hug her as she cries in my arms and say "is there anything I can do?". She tells me it will be fine but that the PMS increased whatever anxiety you already have times 1000.

While I´m away with my friend for lunch she messages me with what she has been doing, just things she seen out walking around the shopping street in our neighborhood. That evening we watched a few movies and everything felt like normal. But end of the evening it was still sleep on separate sides of the bed. So of course things aren´t normal.

The days after have been normal as well and today we finally had our next MC session. She tells the therapist about the weekend and how she feels more like herself lately. Like she is stepping in the right direction. I let her do most of the talking. She added that she is happy we didn´t make any drastic decisions and she is glad she didn´t move out as she suggested a month ago. The therapist says she thinks we will be fine. This is the second therapist to say that now, is that something they say to everyone? She then asks me how I feel about what my W is saying. I had to tell the truth so I said that while I´m happy she feels she is making progress, I don´t know what to think of it. This new therapist doesn´t know anything about the deleted photos on social media or the ring not being on her finger after a night out with her friends. So I said that I´m happy we seem to have respect for each other and still enjoy each others company, but that those past incidents create doubt. W said that she understands why I would feel that way, she would too, but that she only took her ring off to apply moisturizer and forgot to put it back on and that the pics from social media was because people would sometimes comment and she didn´t like answering questions. The person on those wedding photos is not how she feels today so it became stressful and she wanted to get away from that.

Therapist asks how she would feel about posting those photos again and W responds that things have to work out between us first.

I´m not sure what will happen but I don´t stress about it right now. All the things I´ve mentioned would have given me hope a while ago. Now I feel nothing. All of this could just be her cake eating.

[SteveLW]

Ben, this is awesome!! DBing works. There is another poster here that has been headed to D for over a year, and suddenly in the last couple of days, got a message out of the blue from his STBXW asking if they could put the family back together. DBing does work, when you do it well.

However, as I told him, tread lightly. Lots of people in your position ask "How will I know when she really wants to R?" The answer is when her behavior is consistent over a long period of time.

But this shows some promise, just keep DBing. Don't revert or you will be setting yourself up for BD #2.

Has your W always been a bit of a liar, especially to herself? I do believe that she convinced herself that she removed her ring to put on lotion. And I believe that she did put on lotion. But I am also sure that isn't the first time she ever applied lotion, removed her rings, and then put them back on. Not putting it back on, in light of the recent trouble in the MR, is just too big of a coincidence. Just something for you to consider.

Oh, and keep going to MC. I would also look up touch and talk charges and maybe slowly implement them. Also, I would highly suggest a weekly date night. And not just going out to dinner, but actually getting dressed up and going on a date like you did when you were courting her.

[BenB]

Ben, this is awesome!! DBing works. There is another poster here that has been headed to D for over a year, and suddenly in the last couple of days, got a message out of the blue from his STBXW asking if they could put the family back together. DBing does work, when you do it well.

However, as I told him, tread lightly. Lots of people in your position ask "How will I know when she really wants to R?" The answer is when her behavior is consistent over a long period of time.

But this shows some promise, just keep DBing. Don't revert or you will be setting yourself up for BD #2.

Has your W always been a bit of a liar, especially to herself? I do believe that she convinced herself that she removed her ring to put on lotion. And I believe that she did put on lotion. But I am also sure that isn't the first time she ever applied lotion, removed her rings, and then put them back on. Not putting it back on, in light of the recent trouble in the MR, is just too big of a coincidence. Just something for you to consider.

Oh, and keep going to MC. I would also look up touch and talk charges and maybe slowly implement them. Also, I would highly suggest a weekly date night. And not just going out to dinner, but actually getting dressed up and going on a date like you did when you were courting her.

Thanks Steve,

I completely agree with you that I have to tread lightly. I have zero expectations really. She´s been acting more like herself lately but I know that can all change in an instant. She can clearly sense that I have distanced myself emotionally a lot simply because I have. I was and am ready for her to move out and I definitely don´t believe her story about why she removed the ring and deleted the photos. As you say, way too big of a coincidence.

I can see how she would lie to herself about the ring now that you say it. That she actually believes she did it for that purpose. If I was to guess the worst case scenario it would be that someone she found attractive approached her table while they were out. That night she did come home early though so I don´t think anything physical happened.

Yeah, this new MC is much better so far and my W really seems to like her. So we´ll keep going for now. Forgot to add that the therapist thinks this situation is strongly related to her cutting down on the anti depressants too fast combined with her taking out the contraceptive implant which causes a hormonal imbalance. I asked her if that really could have an effect on her mood still after so many months to which she said most definitely. W mentioned today that she now thinks this might be the case as well and suggested that she makes an appointment for getting a new implant to see if that helps. The slightly paranoid part of me thought for a minute "what if she just wants to get a new implant so she can have sex with other men".

Date night would have been fun but how could I make that happen without showing her that I am pursuing? I don´t want to suggest that only to have her distance herself again.

Also, something that could be of interest. When I came home that Saturday after the restaurant visit with my friend, she asked how it was and I explained that it was fantastic(it really was, best food I´ve had in years). She then asked if we can go there on the midsummer weekend. I reminded her that all the good restaurants including that one are closed here that weekend. I´m not sure if I should have but I then said the following "If we want a great restaurant, we can always go to Paris?". Although my W and I have traveled a lot and are foodies, we have never been to Paris. She responded that she has to see how her anxiety is over the next few days before she can answer me on that. I didn´t bring it up again but today she messaged me from work and asked if I´m still up for going to Paris. I said "sure, would be fun" and shortly after we had flights and hotels booked for the weekend.

As far as I´m concerned, this is not a romantic get away. We´re just going there to eat very good food.

Will google touch and talk charges now

[Destroyd]

Ben, I am happy that things seem to be moving in the right direction for you. I hope the Paris trip rekindles your marriage.

[SteveLW]

Ben, you may want to look into Retrovaille.

[BenB]

Ben, I am happy that things seem to be moving in the right direction for you. I hope the Paris trip rekindles your marriage.

Thank you D,

I know this all sounds good but I don´t feel any excitement at all let alone any hope that our marriage could be rekindled. I don´t trust her anymore. Before all this happened I had 100% trust in her.

What´s odd is that I am more excited about the upcoming restaurants in Paris than enjoying quality time with her. But I still love her and would be happy if she came out of this some day.

[BenB]

Ben, you may want to look into Retrovaille.

Thanks Steve,

I read about it but there are none in our part of Europe. And that feels like something for a later stage. I would need to see commitment from her. I´m still worried this is all cake eating and throwing crumbs.