Ben send the pic. Be the leader in this case. Is it DBing? Not strictly, but someone has to start!
Really? Interesting, I wouldn´t have thought anyone here would recommend that. I don´t mind doing that
Me: 38 Stbxw: 35 No kids Mini bd: February 6, 2019 ONS confirmed Sept 7, 2019 Told her to move out: September 8, 2019 W moved out: September 28, 2019 Divorce filed by me: September 23, 2019
So it´s been a few days now and I still feel like I want out of this relationship. Again, I don´t trust my own feelings so I won´t decide on anything but I feel very different lately. Last time I felt any kind of anxiety was when I noticed the missing ring but even then it wasn´t much, nothing compared to how the old me would have reacted. It did trigger my feelings to want to escape but I didn´t act on them and I hope I never do make decisions based on intense feelings again.
Today was a normal day, we watched TV, laughed together and played with the dog. I feel completely calm and at peace with everything that is happening. So why is it that I feel I don´t want to continue this relationship? I tried picturing her moving on, downloading dating apps immediately after our breakup and seeing other men. Basically I tried to imagine my worst fears, or what used to be my worst fears. And those images don´t seem to bother me as much now. I felt a hint of sadness when I pictured her with other men but that´s all. Me a few weeks ago would feel rage, jealousy and panic.
I´ve tried searching within myself, do I feel this because I want a reaction from her? Doesn´t feel so. I tried picturing her being very cool with it. I tell her I want to end the relationship and she agrees immediately. Again, that thought does not bother me at all.
If someone would ask me what my gut feeling is I would say that I want to end this right now, not be angry, sad or even upset. Just tell her that and even help her find an apartment so she can move out quickly. Do I love her? I loved the person that used to be her. This is not her. I won´t miss this person. This is a shell of that beautiful person that was in my life until recently. I´ve been missing my wife for months now. I´ve mourned her death it feels like.
But I´ll wait. And wait. Like DnJ wrote, for better or worse. I may give up, but not today.
Me: 38 Stbxw: 35 No kids Mini bd: February 6, 2019 ONS confirmed Sept 7, 2019 Told her to move out: September 8, 2019 W moved out: September 28, 2019 Divorce filed by me: September 23, 2019
You are a participant in the MC. You both agreed to this plan. So lead.
Glad you’re finding a way to ride out the emotional ups and downs. Really good that you hold off on those big decisions while riding the rollercoaster.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
End of this month, my w´s dad and stepmother are coming to visit us. Her dad knows nothing about this but her mom(not stepmom) knows everything. What do the vets here recommend here? Her dad visits us once a year and bought these flights before this even started.
Is there any option besides just hanging out with them as usual and pretend everything is fine?
Me: 38 Stbxw: 35 No kids Mini bd: February 6, 2019 ONS confirmed Sept 7, 2019 Told her to move out: September 8, 2019 W moved out: September 28, 2019 Divorce filed by me: September 23, 2019
A week later and I still feel no desire to stand for this marriage. Lately she is much more on her phone, when I at times se the screen, it´s always Facebook messenger. This could be nothing of course, she and her friends always have group chats. But it´s definitely a lot more lately.
I read this post from Sandi today -
Quote
For the wayward W, it begins with resentment that has never been resolved or forgiven. This is usually connected/projected to the H, and she may carry the resentment for years. In fact, it grows......and grows. The resentment turns to feelings of disrespect for him as her H and as a man. It can turn to feelings of contempt. Her feelings of emptiness, unhappiness, loneliness, and unfulfillment in her MR begins to consume her. Her attitude/mindset slowly takes on a bitter and rebellious tone. She starts showing signs of disrespect for her H and their MR. She may develop a sense of entitlement, and believe it's time for her to find whatever makes her happy. Her feelings are her priority. She does not have to engage in an affair in order to be classified as wayward, however, in most reports that we read on the board.....this is the case. The WW's behavior and character changes are usually radical, and is shocking to her family. Her H does not recognize who she has become. In the majority of stories I've read involving WW's, she will try to keep her A secret, especially from her parents. She may change friends, if old friends don't support her new choices/changes. If the WW is successful in making her H believe she's just not in love with him and wants a S/D and that there is no OM, yada, yada, yada...…….you can bet this woman has an hidden agenda. It is revealed as soon as the H is out of the picture, and she brings her new man on the scene. If she is not financially able to live on her own, she will announce they are IHS.....and she will cake eat until a better deal comes along for her. She has not intention of reconciling the MR. She'll usually tell her H she wants them to be friends, which means she wants him to be available for her to "use". She wants power over what he does.
I can see this being my W in many ways. Something is definitely up. And she certainly isn´t financially able to live on her own. I feel more and more that I´m being taken advantage of. I feel a lot less love for her at the moment. Yes, I get that this is not her and all that. But right now I feel like I´m just waiting for proof that she has a hidden agenda so I can end this.
I wish I knew if there was an OM. I don´t see how there could be but I wish there was a way I could know for sure. I still feel the urge of her moving out, OM or not, but I´d hate for her to move out and me never knowing if there was one or not.
Me: 38 Stbxw: 35 No kids Mini bd: February 6, 2019 ONS confirmed Sept 7, 2019 Told her to move out: September 8, 2019 W moved out: September 28, 2019 Divorce filed by me: September 23, 2019
How has the daily exchange of dog pictures been going?
I do understand your desire, your wish, to know if there is an OM or not. It is driven by an illusion of control. Knowing will not change anything. Let it go.
Originally Posted by BenB
But right now I feel like I´m just waiting for proof that she has a hidden agenda so I can end this.
Yes, you feel this way. How do you think about this? What do you believe?
Stop feeding the feelings. Keep focused and thinking on better and not bitter, feelings will follow, and then beliefs.
Remember she is emotionally driven right now. Any agenda, hidden or not, will most likely change and often. Don’t end things because of her agenda(s), she is confused and irrational, make your decisions with better data and from a place when you are better.
Originally Posted by BenB
End of this month, my w´s dad and stepmother are coming to visit us. Her dad knows nothing about this but her mom(not stepmom) knows everything. What do the vets here recommend here? Her dad visits us once a year and bought these flights before this even started.
Is there any option besides just hanging out with them as usual and pretend everything is fine?
How long is her Dad and stepmom visiting? Do they stay with you two or get a hotel?
I am not one to pretend a lot. I do get the fake it till you make it idea, that is to allow your emotions to settle and get through this. And that is not really pretending either. Just buying yourself time and giving you something to do while your mind and heart figure stuff out.
The upcoming visit is a bit different and similar.
I would like to point out that you are assuming her Dad doesn’t know anything about this. Her Mom knows (probably not everything), and may have told her Dad. Just helping with being accurate and keeping your feelings and thoughts on track.
I think you do not need to pretend (too much). You and W still sit and enjoy TV, talk to each other, laugh, and tell jokes. A couple more people around will most likely absorb a lot of any awkwardness that comes up.
Plan some activities, which I am guessing you probably do when they visit. The four of you probably go out for a few dinners, see an attraction, or park, or theatre, whatever. Kind of guessing you don’t just sit at home with them. And for those times, play a game, play some cards, visit and enjoy their company.
There is no need to air anything with them, keep the relationship out of it. Enjoy the visit for what it accurately is. Hang out with them as usual, they don’t have anything to do with what is going in between you and W. And I don’t believe you even need to pretend for that.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
How has the daily exchange of dog pictures been going?
I do understand your desire, your wish, to know if there is an OM or not. It is driven by an illusion of control. Knowing will not change anything. Let it go.
Originally Posted by BenB
But right now I feel like I´m just waiting for proof that she has a hidden agenda so I can end this.
Yes, you feel this way. How do you think about this? What do you believe?
Stop feeding the feelings. Keep focused and thinking on better and not bitter, feelings will follow, and then beliefs.
Remember she is emotionally driven right now. Any agenda, hidden or not, will most likely change and often. Don’t end things because of her agenda(s), she is confused and irrational, make your decisions with better data and from a place when you are better.
Originally Posted by BenB
End of this month, my w´s dad and stepmother are coming to visit us. Her dad knows nothing about this but her mom(not stepmom) knows everything. What do the vets here recommend here? Her dad visits us once a year and bought these flights before this even started.
Is there any option besides just hanging out with them as usual and pretend everything is fine?
How long is her Dad and stepmom visiting? Do they stay with you two or get a hotel?
I am not one to pretend a lot. I do get the fake it till you make it idea, that is to allow your emotions to settle and get through this. And that is not really pretending either. Just buying yourself time and giving you something to do while your mind and heart figure stuff out.
The upcoming visit is a bit different and similar.
I would like to point out that you are assuming her Dad doesn’t know anything about this. Her Mom knows (probably not everything), and may have told her Dad. Just helping with being accurate and keeping your feelings and thoughts on track.
I think you do not need to pretend (too much). You and W still sit and enjoy TV, talk to each other, laugh, and tell jokes. A couple more people around will most likely absorb a lot of any awkwardness that comes up.
Plan some activities, which I am guessing you probably do when they visit. The four of you probably go out for a few dinners, see an attraction, or park, or theatre, whatever. Kind of guessing you don’t just sit at home with them. And for those times, play a game, play some cards, visit and enjoy their company.
There is no need to air anything with them, keep the relationship out of it. Enjoy the visit for what it accurately is. Hang out with them as usual, they don’t have anything to do with what is going in between you and W. And I don’t believe you even need to pretend for that.
DnJ
Thank you DnJ,
The daily exchange hasn´t really happened much. I sent pictures the first two days and she replied with similar photos which we commented with emojis like in the old days. But I haven´t sent more after that and neither has she.
The last week or so it feels things have gotten worse. She seems very unhappy about being in this situation. There is some tension between us I can tell but I do my best to act as if everything is as usual. I try to be upbeat but that´s been difficult at times.
Last night she went out with her friends and stayed out very late, something she hasn´t done in weeks. At 2.30 am I receive a text from her saying she will stay at her friends place. I read it and went to sleep. 45 minutes later I receive another text saying she changed her mind and is on her way home. Around 3.30 I hear her come in but I fell back asleep quickly. Not sure what that was about. Old me would have had anxiety the next day, worrying about where she was but I haven´t thought about it at all.
Her dad will stay for the weekend only, they are staying at a hotel but we meet for dinner. Usually they buy us dinner at a restaurant one day and the next day we make dinner at our place.
DnJ, I must say that I feel unhappy living with my W like this. I don´t like this changed person. Every day is uncomfortable being near her. To see her lifeless, unhappy face...I don´t recognize her. I don´t know who she is. Even my dog often growls at her now when she tries to pet him or pick him up. I wonder if it´s because of her changed personality although she is very loving towards the dog as she´s always been. He just doesn´t seem to like her much since she changed.
My intuition tells me she is cake eating right now. That the only reason we are still together is because she has nowhere else to go. If there was an OM I´d be very surprised if my W would want to move in with him at this point. I am the only person she has ever lived with and it took 2 years before we decided to move in together. She likes her independence. My guess is she wishes she could afford to live on her own and can´t which increases her depression.
I´m trying hard not to ask her to leave. I don´t see how things can improve as long as we live together.
For now I´m trying to think of things to do. I´ll be traveling to another city for an event I´ve been invited to on Tursday. So I´ll be gone between Thursday and Saturday.
I can easily visualize my life without her these days, something that was unthinkable when I first started posting here. I day dream about it. I would travel to Peru with a friend, maybe stay a week in Mexico. I have to remind myself why I shouldn´t give up and that´s not easy.
Thought I was doing well with detachement. Today as post appeared in my newsfeed that my W had liked. It was this quote " If a person stays by your side through your most challenging times in life, they´re the ones who deserve to be with you through your best times" - the person who had posted this had this title "Supportive people deserve everything".
I caught myself thinking if she was thinking of me when she liked that post. So no, I´m not detached. Yet.
Me: 38 Stbxw: 35 No kids Mini bd: February 6, 2019 ONS confirmed Sept 7, 2019 Told her to move out: September 8, 2019 W moved out: September 28, 2019 Divorce filed by me: September 23, 2019
Ben , I like you man . Got some bad news . She has got OM. The staying at friends and then changing her mind and coming back at 3-30 am is classic . The dog is growling because it can smell another man . The FB messenger is also a clue . So now you know what you going to do ? I think you need to read the NMMNG , sandis rules and GAL .
Ben , I like you man . Got some bad news . She has got OM. The staying at friends and then changing her mind and coming back at 3-30 am is classic . The dog is growling because it can smell another man . The FB messenger is also a clue . So now you know what you going to do ? I think you need to read the NMMNG , sandis rules and GAL .
You deserve better , and you need to show this
Thanks for your input Tryhard, although I don´t consider that bad news. It´s just news.
But it makes me curious what kind off OM it is. I´m not dying to know but I´d ike to know. Is it an OM she only sees once every few weeks? He going out until 3.30 am was the first time in many weeks. She doesn´t come home late from work ever. So when was the last time she saw this person?
I don´t know what to do yet. I actually just received my copy of NMMNG and will read it. I´ve already read everything else.
I do deserve better but I don´t know what the next step should be. Seems people here have very different opinions on that.
Me: 38 Stbxw: 35 No kids Mini bd: February 6, 2019 ONS confirmed Sept 7, 2019 Told her to move out: September 8, 2019 W moved out: September 28, 2019 Divorce filed by me: September 23, 2019
I’m not a betting man , but the type of man that gets involved with another’s mans wife on FB I would expect is an old acquaintance from her past . Dumping you is to clear the way for her in her fantasy mind where you are in the way . Get reading on some of the help posts here , wise advice from , etc .
Use the time to improve yourself, you have the gift of time , keep smiling and keep marching soldier
