Married couple from Scandinavia

[BenB]

Update -


Our last session at the MC was terrible for the first time ever. She´s so far always looked forward to going there, at least it seems that way, but this time the MC did all the wrong things. Asked us to hold hands, look into each others eyes and say how we feel etc etc. She was laughing and so was I a few times. Some of the things he asked us to say was tell each other what made us fall in love in the first place, our dearest memory and what love means to us. I was quite angry inside that he didn´t get that she doesn´t respond to those things, not just because of our issues but she´s always hated that kind of therapy. It´s how she feared it would be before we went the first time. He was doing so well, then he messed it up bigtime by trying this.

She didn´t say that she didn´t want to go back, just that she will tell him in the beginning of the session next tme that she doesn´t want to hold hands, soul gaze and talk about the past.

I´ve started reading the DB book and I´m only a few pages in but I´ve now booked SBT counceling instead for June 3. W seemed happy to hear that and agreed we go there and if this new MC is better we won´t go back to the old one.

She said during therapy was that she feels more and more like herself every day. She wants this to work out and she hopes that this feeling will go away, that the best outcome here is if we can stay together married. I believe she means this as she is saying it but I know better than to let that give me any hope. I´ve managed to have a PMA these past few weeks so the vibe at home is relaxed. I do initiate talks sometimes but it´s always about things we used to talk about, like TV shows and new restaurants that are opening. I´m not making any plans with her(of course) but I feel like I don´t want to communicate less even though that´s what everyone recommends. Me being relaxed and talking about casual things that have nothing to do withour R and doesn´t put pressure on her seems to have made her open up more. Again, I won´t let that get my hopes up since I know this can change any time.

I´m still preparing for the worst. It´s only been close to 4 months since the mini-BD. Our first anniversary is coming up early August. I have no clue what to do. I won´t make any plans or buy any gifts but I know we will be showered with people congratulating us since Facebook will remind everyone. Anyway, over 2 months left still so I can´t worry about that now.

[SteveLW]

Calm down, August is a long way's away, no reason to make a decision now.

I would follow through with the idea to let the MC know she isn't ready for all of that. The MC obviously misread the situation and thought that she was further along to coming back to the MR than she is. Common problem with MCs, I wouldn't hold it against him too much. Let him know that progress was being made without that "by the book" next steps stuff.

Read the book. Institute solid DB principles. Let time do its thing.

Buckle in, you are at the beginning. 4 months is a drop in the bucket. Marathon....not a sprint.

[SteveLW]

Buckle in, you are at the beginning. 4 months is a drop in the bucket. Marathon....not a sprint.

On that point, read this:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...at&Number=2844349&gonew=1#UNREAD

Note, Chris is at the 3 year mark! This could be a while.

[BenB]

Buckle in, you are at the beginning. 4 months is a drop in the bucket. Marathon....not a sprint.

On that point, read this:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...at&Number=2844349&gonew=1#UNREAD

Note, Chris is at the 3 year mark! This could be a while.

Yikes, well I´m not sure what the future will look like for me but what I do know is that I can/will only go on so much longer without sex. We don´t have any kids, I have a solid prenup and I have everything I need to move on with my life.

If she/we decided to end our relationship, I will feel terrible of course but just like many others here, I keep going back and forth between being certain I want out and that I deserve better than this to feeling like I must not give up. The thought of being single doesn´t bother me right now for some reason. But I´ll probably feel different about this soon. I trust my own feelings as little as I trust hers right now.

[BenB]

I went back and read all posts in my thread just now and realize how much I´ve experienced and changed in just these past few weeks. Feels like that´s the thing about being a LBS, time slows down and you gain so much experience in such short amount of time. As some posters have written on these forums, as horrible as this is, it is also a gift. It is necessary for me to go through this. I wouldn´t want to be the person I was back in February. Who knows what´s to come.

I think where I need the most help is how I should behave towards her in certain situations. I can see she is struggling with her spending. She was never great with money and now in this state of mind she´s worse. Not that she buys many things but it´s small expenses that pile up. Restaurant´s with her friends every Saturday for example. She is used to me taking her to expensive restaurants and wants to have that wuthout me as well even though she knows she can´t. Afterwards, taxi home. Since she has many invoices each month hardly any money is left for these type of activities. Her friends, however, don´t seem to have those problems but she doesn´t want to miss out.

Last week she texted me and asked if she could borrow some money to pay one of her invoices. She said she would pay me back when she receives her salary. That was two days ago and I haven´t received anything yet. I know she can´t afford to pay me back. I certainly don´t need the money back but what is the right thing to do here? Should I ask for the money? Again, this is not new behaviour from her but she had gotten better for so long and now she´s right back to her old, spending self(of course). A small part of me enjoys this in a way. I sort of think that she will crash sooner than later since she is desperate to keep up with a lifestyle she can´t afford.

Another thing she does often is to ask me for tickets to shows and concerts. Since I work in the entertainment industry she knows I can arrange this. Does anyone have any advice for what I should do when she asks? It doesn´t cost me anything to get her and her friends tickets so if I said no she would naturally want to know why.

[BenB]

Tonight, just an hour ago my wife came home after being with her friends at a bar. I noticed her wedding ring wasn't on her finger. I couldn't stop myself so I asked where the ring is. She seemed shocked and caught off guard. Went searching for it and found it in her purse. Didn't say anything except a nervous "I took it off". She brought it and put it right back on.

I was seconds from saying, "sorry, I can't do this anymore". But instead I decided to write here and not mention anything until tomorrow.

Thoughts, anyone?

[SteveLW]

She pulled a string. You danced.

Detachment wouldn't have given a crap if her ring was on or not.

So she took her ring off and that's the straw that broke the camel's back?

[BenB]

So far she hasn't seen any reaction from me besides asking where her ring is. I've remained calm.

But she crossed a boundary by taking the ring off, should that really not have any consequences? As in, she needs to move out now?

[SteveLW]

So far she hasn't seen any reaction from me besides asking where her ring is. I've remained calm.

But she crossed a boundary by taking the ring off, should that really not have any consequences? As in, she needs to move out now?

We only suggesting kicking her out of the mbr if she is in an active affair. Kicking a spouse out of the house has legal ramifications.

Removing their ring is minor compared to what some LBSs' deal with. Ben are you a bit controlling?

[BenB]

So far she hasn't seen any reaction from me besides asking where her ring is. I've remained calm.

But she crossed a boundary by taking the ring off, should that really not have any consequences? As in, she needs to move out now?

We only suggesting kicking her out of the mbr if she is in an active affair. Kicking a spouse out of the house has legal ramifications.

Removing their ring is minor compared to what some LBSs' deal with. Ben are you a bit controlling?

No, I don't think I am. I have never commented on her staying out late or on anything else she felt like doing. I understand what other LBS's go through but I don't want to do that. Her removing the ring is huge for her. And it would be totally understandable if we had decided to end the relationship or perhaps even a trial separation. But to do it because she was out partying, that is major for her. To give you and idea on how bad she thinks it is -

I have always hated jewelry. I was fearing having to have a ring on my finger because it's always bothered me. Ever since I was a kid I've been like this. I've never worn any necklaces, rings or bracelets. The feeling of metal on my skin makes me itch for some reason. The first few weeks after we were married felt like torture, but I never took it off. Still today it doesn't feel pleasant to wear it but I do. When we talked about this after the wedding she said I must NEVER take it off. That I'll just have to get used to it. Having rings was very important to her. So for her to do this now means a lot. I was preparing for the worst so I'm not surprised but this is a boundary she crossed.

Is it controlling that I won't tolerate her breaking a rule that was so important to her? I didn't mean I would kick her out of the house or threaten her to leave. But if we end our relationship she knows she has to leave because that was our agreement before we got married.

This morning she is feeling guilty, I can tell. She suggested having lunch together, laid closer to me in bed than usual. I won't mention the ring of course but how can I show that I won't accept that from her? If I was to say anything her guilt would transform to defensiveness and anger probably. On Monday we have our next MC session. I don't know what to say while there.

I don't know what the next steps should be. How do I detach when we spend so much time together? I can't GAL enough since I have the dog. I'm starting to feel like a burden to my friends since I'm always asking someone to be dog sitter so I can do GAL activities. Everything keeps pointing to the fact that it would be better if she just moved out. I'm aware she might start seeing other men then but by staying in our apartment together, not having any chance to miss me but instead see me almost every day - how is that good for us? Yes, I work out, read books and meet friends, but in the end we sleep together in the same bed every night. Perhaps it's best if we just end this let her live the life she thinks she wants and I can move on with mine and maybe I meet her again one day but maybe not.