If I were to tell you there’s a 99% chance you could work it out or I told you there’s 1% chance you could work it out. What would change either way? How would you act differently?
oops. Do you really want to compete your self worth and self respect with an OM? I know it hurts. Its hurts so bad that it makes you sick, anxious, depressed, peaceless and you can't sleep. I've been there twice. Don't compete with a cheat, regardless if how they justify it.
Are there any actual statistics here? I know people will talk around them, but given that my wife is cheating with a married coworker, what are the actual odds that we can make it? I want to look at this as rationally as possible when trying to compare it to "what I want". A lot of the statistics don't seem to take gender of the cheater into account, for example. 5% odds of us working this out is a lot different than a coin toss.
Also, she's invited me to come to one of her counseling sessions on Thursday. I told her I'd think about it. No idea what I want there.
He is her Plan A. But since he is married that isn't a very solid thing. I know my W in her first EA desperately wanted to be with the married guy she was IMing with, but he was unwilling to leave his W. He just wanted some strange. When she first broke contact she went through awful withdrawals. Even went back on it a couple of times but since he didn't want to end his marriage, he told her they should stop communicating.
So yes, as her Plan B, without a solid Plan A, there is likelihood you can save your marriage. Here is the real question, are you okay being Plan B? You see if her current Plan A falls through, she may keep you as Plan B and look for another Plan A.
My point? Stop trying to save your marriage, and save yourself. Detach. Continue 180s and GAL. Becomes a man only a fool would leave. You will become better, stronger, and more resilient. And the side-effect might be that she gets interested in reconnecting. Then you will get to decide if you want to give her another chance, or if you want to move on.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I know I was her plan B, and realized I dont even want to be nice to her anymore. We divorced last week, and now are business partners raising a kid. But this partnership is like one of those mob partnerships where you have one eye on the door and always protecting yourself. Not trusting anything she says now. And with good reason. Once you get out of the fog, you see them lying to you., Its like Neo in the Matrix when he sees the code. I can now see her manipulations and I stop them.
Its tough love now, and let her ponder what she lost.
B.D in December 2018 Physical Affairs discovered in April 2019 Divorced May 2019 H (me) 49 W (her) 29
Are there any actual statistics here? I know people will talk around them, but given that my wife is cheating with a married coworker, what are the actual odds that we can make it? I want to look at this as rationally as possible when trying to compare it to "what I want". A lot of the statistics don't seem to take gender of the cheater into account, for example. 5% odds of us working this out is a lot different than a coin toss.
The odds are low, but not for the reasons you are thinking. One of these days you are going to process the grief and emerge from the post-BD fog. And what will you see? A pathetic, cheating, lying woman that isn't worth your time. Someone who trampled on your feelings, who violated sacred vows she made before you, her family, her closest friends and even God for what, a little sexual thrill? You will see her for who and what she is and you'll want nothing to do with her. Ironically it's usually when you get to that point that the cheating WW realizes what she's losing and wants to recon. 9 times out of 10 it's the LBS that isn't interested at that point.
Being away all weekend was a spiritual event for me and put me in a place where I feel more patient and willing to mull things over.
The fact that the vows were made in front of all of those people really hit me hard. You all make great points. I just need to get better at internalizing and detaching. It's getting better every day, but...wow.
May: discover PA April: MC pending IC, back in MBR, discover EA March: different bedrooms, IC Jan 19: ILYBINILWY
Provided you DB correctly, you will get to where AS talks about. It is a long hard road. Again, its a marathon and not a race. Allow yourself to feel, but don't react to what she does or show her your emotions. It hurts. But you will eventually get to the point where you see her from a different perspective. You deserve so much better than someone who is willing to put you to the side for their own selfish desires.
She isn't going to just snap out of it and come back. She has to first recognize her own issues, acknowledge them, work on them and then want to come back. Nothing you do will change that. But yes you can shine that light back on the path for as long as you want. That doesn't mean you accept being plan B. You got this. Just keep focusing on yourself.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
Provided you DB correctly, you will get to where AS talks about. It is a long hard road. Again, its a marathon and not a race. Allow yourself to feel, but don't react to what she does or show her your emotions. It hurts. But you will eventually get to the point where you see her from a different perspective. You deserve so much better than someone who is willing to put you to the side for their own selfish desires.
She isn't going to just snap out of it and come back. She has to first recognize her own issues, acknowledge them, work on them and then want to come back. Nothing you do will change that. But yes you can shine that light back on the path for as long as you want. That doesn't mean you accept being plan B. You got this. Just keep focusing on yourself.
One of the big wake-up calls for some WWs is the realization that to the OM they are just a piece of meat. That the OM is able able and willing to move on to the next piece of meat. A lot of times as soon as the WW, after the LBH has confronted them, starts putting the pressure on the OM for a bigger commitment, and the OM moves on. SOMETIMES that will wake them up.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
