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J,

If you said 6 months then it’s 6 months. I just went out with a girl whose profile read “ I want a man who is true to his word”. If you back down now then she will undoubtedly continue to test you. If you stay true to your word, even though she may not agree, she will respect you.

If she pushes you just say “sugar _______s, I love spending time with you, I adore you and enjoy what we have but I am just not ready to introduce you to my girls yet. I hope you understand. Make it clear that it isn’t about her it’s about what you feel is right for you and your girls.

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Please start a new thread and link them together. Thanks!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hey J9,

Little late to this convo and I am not the experience guy in this sitch. My 2 cents would be that meeting your kids should be the prize. She has to be ready and prove that she is emotionally stable to receive that prize. 6 month min, but probably more like 1 year. Don't let her dictate the pace.


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Quote
My buddy told me she is super nice, her kid is really cool, and that her XH was a d-bag. He said she is completely normal, outside of her guns, and I didn't have anything to worry about.


Really nice to have outside confirmation! So often we don't have that when online dating.

If she pushes on the kids' meeting thing, you can present it as "you told me up front most of your relationships don't last past three months. I know we're doing great and I'm really happy about that, but I don't want to risk my kids getting attached until I know this is going to last.

Puts the onus more on her than a "I don't know for sure if I'll stick around." See how I did that? wink

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So just one thing I wanted to put out there about timelines and when to do what. Most here can tell a story about how we knew, or thought we knew someone for years who turned out to be someone completely different.

Even those who have post D dated have often invested months or even years taking things slow and getting to know another person only to realise after much investment that it's not going to work.

Now you J9 do have the additional complication and responsibility to protect your girls and we all agree that is paramount.

There's an old and undoubtedly apocryphal story that the head engineer at NASA had a sign on his wall saying At some point in any project it is necessary to shoot the engineers and begin production

There are no guarantees. There are no rules. To quote the fictional ancient philosophers Captain Hector Barabosa "These are what we like to call guidelines rather than actual rules"


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Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9
In two weeks it will be 4 months


Wow, rationalization really is a strong drive. In two weeks it will be four months? Huh? Or put another way, right now at 3.5 months it's just two weeks past the half way point! Funny how rules are just guidelines or rules are meant to be broken when we want to break them! More rationalization.

Here's the thing, this 6 month "rule" is meant as an absolute bare minimum. Many say it is one year in fact I've seen many report that their actual divorce decree says they have to wait one year to introduce kids. It's something they both agreed on or at least negotiated to - based on very sound advice.

Here's the even bigger thing - this is not about you or the doctor or anyone else - it's about YOUR KIDS. That should be the most important thing here - your young kids, who have already gone through a whole lot because of this D. If you think it's okay to bend the rules and risk the kids - by all means, go ahead and do it now. But make no mistake, if you go ahead and blend things now, you are doing what is best for you or for doctor - NOT what is best for your kids.

This is the first R you've been in post D. You are the first guy with this doctor to even make it past three months. Is it really worth the risk? It may go well. It may go fine. It may not be an issue - or the kids might get introduced, start to get attached, really like her son, really like her only for something to break the two of you apart. THIS is what this MINIMUM 6 month rule is about. I get the feeling even if you do wait, you'll be counting down the days and on day 183 you'll introduce everybody. That's not even how the "experts" (not us here on this board but real experts) suggest it be done. They say wait a MINIMUM of 6 months because that is the MINIMUM amount of time it takes to have a small ability to know who this other person is. It may well take more than a year to be sure - or at least reasonably sure.

And I might add, we are more talking about younger kids here although the "rule" does apply to older as well. It's the biggest deal for those in the single digits. It's less difficult for teens and far less difficult for adult children of D'd parents. But for those who are 3 or 4 or 6 or even 10, it's a much, much bigger deal.

But whatever you do, please, please, please keep in mind this is not about what you want. It's not about what the doctor wants. It's about what is best for your kids - or at least it should be.


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Ditto everything Don just said.

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I'm watching this blending going so early on right now with exW and her new bf. I think they've made it past the 3 month mark and have blended the families as if they've been together for years. It is quite shocking and concerning to watch. I don't have any control so I can't do much about it. All I am doing is being super solid for my kids and making sure they're good.

They both did this precisely for themselves so that they could spend more time. She told me her rationalization for having him meet the kids so early on and I call it baloney. It was about her and him, and not the kids. Which also makes me concerned when it comes to the bf - his judgment is suspect. Knowing his past marriage and what happened, both seem to be wanting to fill a void in their lives and it's clouding their judgment on what's best for the kids. I am super annoyed about it and I am watching the kids very closely.

If they break up, this is going to have an impact on the kids for sure. They're pretty attached to his kids and have gotten used to having him around. I wanna smack both of them across the heads to bring some sense to them but it's already too late. ExW is selfish and impatient and the kids will pay the price for her actions.

So, I concur with everything Don said, and others that have cautioned you against changing up the timeline. I think you should have a honest convo with her rather than brushing off her comments because that comes across as dismissive. If she doesn't like your stance on this then that's her problem.


New Thread:

Moving on to the Brightside Part 26

Last edited by job; 05/07/19 05:00 PM. Reason: added link to new thread

No one is coming to save you!

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