Niall 2: Drifting Apart

[Niall11]

I agree on MC. I posted on my separate thread that if we go back, I want to first speak individually with the MC (we did this before). I want to be clear that I am not interested in MC if my W’s goal is not to stay married.

It's difficult to enforce that though. My W gave me the cold shoulder last Sept. and Oct. I suggested counseling several times and she said no. Then she told me (about Oct. 21) she's been feeling attracted to women lately but denied vehemently that there was anyone in particular. A week later I accidentally found out that she had a serious crush on a new (female) coworker.

After a few days I said I needed to know where I stood. She didn't want to be pressured, I felt like I needed to know, and after hours of talking she said we needed to part ways. I started packing, she panicked, said not to go and we could do the counseling. I asked if it was to save the marriage. She said, and repeated for the next six weeks, that her "number one goal" was fixing the marriage.

We went to counseling but something seemed very off. I deliberately snooped in her phone for the one and only time, and found that the entire time we were in counseling she had been texting nonstop with her friend, asking how to make an affair with OW happen, making fun of me, celebrating if the counselor said something tough to me.

They can say it's to fix the marriage because they're scared, or want to say they tried, but if they're not really invested it won't work.

[Niall11]

Man you guys are seriously hitting a serious cord with everything you said here. Glad to know well I shouldn't say glad relieved is more like it to know that I'm not the only one with these feelings and for the same reasons

Definitely not alone. I think most people are here because they value their marriage and family and think those things are worth saving.

In my mind there is a clear path to having a healthier marriage and being happy again. But it's only in my mind. In her mind, she's having fun, fun, fun and I'm yesterday's news.

[IHCLACS]

Here is a thought Niall11. Why do most men want most things to stay the same? Why do they enjoy familiarity? Why do women frequently change or desire change? Think about their biology and ours? There is something I am coming to terms with today. Men love idealisticly and women love opportunisticly. If we aren't checking all of their boxes in a relationship, when it comes to security, trust, spirituality, growth, sexuality, intimacy, emotionally, parenthood, growth, value, etc, eventually familiarity breeds contempt. Feelings change, and a huge justification comes with them. We have to lead and steer the ship part of the relation-ship. We have to captain it and keep growing, or we run the risk of then outgrowing us. Hence I understand why everyone here says to GAL, focus on you, self differentiate, be a good parent, etc. I want you to carefully think about who you were when the R started, and who you are now in the midst of all this. Our WAW's or WW don't like WHO THEY ARE when they are with us any more. We went from the New Kid On The Block to the Old $hit On The Corner. Have you noticed that the W was the gatekeeper of the duration of the R, and now that they want out, want to GGW, want their freedom and independence, they have no desire to work on the M? We see it as selfish, anti-family, anti marriage, etc. How do you think they were thinking/feeling/assessing the R before BD? I think we as men not only need to understand their way of thinking, but also understand that the M or the R is about HOW WE MAKE THEM FEEL ABOUT THEMSELVES. If we aren't challenging ourselves to grow through apathy, complacency, neglect, status quo, etc.. we aren't challenging them or the R to grow as well. This is why they get so confused and have conflict with themselves before BD. Because their intutition and feelings tell them "something is wrong" they want change, etc. and we are behind in offering it to them and recognizing it in the moments. Im willing to bet after BD that the reason why they seem like strangers to us, why it appears like an MLC, why it appears selfish, and sometimes it is, is because their feelings, their desire for chsnge, to start a new is greater than the pain of apathy of staying in the M. Do they always bow out in a healthy way? Not always...But Seriously think about who you are now, and who you were when the R started. What you were doing with your life, how much you self differentiated, etc, get back to thst, go out and GAL, and develop the new you.

[Niall11]

Im willing to bet after BD that the reason why they seem like strangers to us, why it appears like an MLC, why it appears selfish, and sometimes it is, is because their feelings, their desire for chsnge, to start a new is greater than the pain of apathy of staying in the M. Do they always bow out in a healthy way? Not always...But Seriously think about who you are now, and who you were when the R started. What you were doing with your life, how much you self differentiated, etc, get back to thst, go out and GAL, and develop the new you.

I'm always hesitant to generalize but I completely agree that things had gotten a little complacent and I wasn't my best self the past couple of years. To completely give up on me and the marriage and the intact family, and to neglect her D2, definitely not healthy and in my view completely unnecessary.

When we got together I was in some ways -- not all -- at the top of my game, and W at the bottom of hers. Now it's somewhat reversed. TBH I'm angry as hell because I loved her for the person she was, even when she had no job for the first three years we were together. Now she despises me for working, but not enough for her to live like a millionaire.

If my work is slow, she's angry that there's not enough money. When my work is busy, she's angry that I'm not around to do all the housework. I once told a friend, as a joke, that her perfect husband makes half a million a year without ever leaving the house or having to do any work, and does all the household chores so she can play on her phone all day. In retrospect it wasn't a joke.

But you are right that I need to get back to a better me, and slowly but sure it's getting there.

[Niall11]

Well, yesterday was pure hell.

My mother passed away nearly 20 years ago and the mother of my child has all but left me.

Last Mother's Day I was in full romantic husband mode. D2 (then known as D1!) got up early and I kept her occupied so W could sleep in while I made a big breakfast. She said she could get used to this -- and we made "Daddy's breakfast" a Sunday tradition until October, when she informed me that she would be going out to breakfast with Original BFF. Last year there were flowers, presents, and homemade cards from then-D1. Inlaws came over and FIL and I put on aprons and made lunch for the moms. It was a glorious day so we went to the park, walked through the flowers, and took a drive down the coast after inlaws headed home talking about what names we liked if we had another child.

What a difference a year makes. Yesterday I wished W a happy Mother's Day and gave her a card from D2. She barely looked up from the phone. Multiple times expressed serious annoyance at D2 for wanting any kind of attention from her.

In the afternoon we went to SIL's place. She just moved in with her BF not long ago. On the short drive D2 fell asleep, so I let W go in and drove D2 around for an hour. When I returned they'd already eaten, so I made myself a plate and sat alone in the kitchen.

My inlaws are kind, wonderful people but we don't tend to talk about the same kinds of things. I sat there while W showed SIL all the dance steps she's learning with BFF (dagger in the heart) and W's parents talked to SIL's boyfriend about a TV show I'd never heard of. Huge contrast to the big party I attended on Saturday night, where I felt like I was with my own crowd and I was telling stories and having a great time. SIL and her BF were intertwined on the couch and
I realized I haven't been hugged, kissed, arm on the shoulder, hand held, or anything sexual in months.

It was pouring and my windshield wiper broke. While I changed it (auto parts parking lot) W was getting impatient because New BFF wanted her to come hang out. I told her I wasn't going to drive us home with no driver's side wiper blade and it would take a minute. I swear, just a teenager. So we got home and she ran out the door, on Mother's Day, to go hang out with someone else. I got D2 to bed by 8 and went to sleep not long after. A day to forget.

[Niall11]

Something that seems big (at least to me) happened on Friday.

Friday afternoon W told me her sister wanted to pay for her to get a haircut. My wife's longtime stylist is a good friend of ours, who's always winning awards for best in the area but gives her huge discounts. She just went not long ago. Her sister is also among the brokest and cheapest people we know. It didn't add up.

W got out of work 4 hours before the appointment but didn't come home. Texted at 8:30 that she was going to stop in at her sister's place to hang out. SIL works early on Saturdays and is in bed by 10. But I know BFF lives about 2 minutes from SIL. It didn't add up.

W came home after I went to bed. Saturday morning I awoke to...my previously preppy wife sporting an Afro-punk haircut with the entire bottom half shaved and lines carved down to the scalp, the top half curly and piled high up to one side. She looked nothing like the same person (our next door neighbor of 8 years literally didn't recognize her).

Personally, I think it looks ridiculous and can't believe she's going to go to work like that. But it's the exact same haircut New BFF has. Funny how that works. I've never met New BFF, but from the little I know she doesn't seem like the type of person I'd like to spend time with. Loud, pushy, dramatic. W, for the entire time I've known her, has been repulsed by drama and loud, pushy people. Now she posts on Facebook, "People say I'm dramatic. D*** right I'm dramatic. I have spirit. I'd rather be dead than boring or meek." She seems to be trying to copycat New BFF, which may or may not be driven by BFF, and I'm honestly somewhat concerned about it. I particularly don't want D2 caught up in it.

For me, though, it might be the best thing that could happen. For months, I've been struggling because I look at her I see my wife. And I've been as attracted to her as ever. This will probably make it a lot easier. I'm not attracted to the new look at all and, in the context of how she's treating me, it's made it clear she isn't the same person and I need to move on.

Postscript: We went to SIL's place for Mother's Day lunch yesterday. SIL expressed shock at the new haircut.
To change the subject, W commented on how all the boxes from their recent move were gone now. SIL said yes, the previous weekend they'd worked hard to finish moving in and had it cleaned up in time to have the BF's son for dinner on Tuesday.

I just smiled at W, who looked away fast.

She had told me (1) the haircut was SIL's idea and SIL's gift, and (2) that she was hanging out at SIL's place on Friday night, days after the cleanup was complete. How much of an idiot does she think I am? And why, when she openly goes out with New BFF multiple times a week, make up that story?

[Niall11]

Journal:

Busy week all around. Wednesday a long work project, a 2-mile walk late afternoon, and a community event in the evening.

Thursday I got some work done in the morning then spent 3 hours in the park with my D2 on a beautiful day. She was covered in dirt and happy as could be. A great day. When W came home D2 and I were hanging out in the backyard with the neighbors who live behind us. They have a daughter the same age as ours. She seemed unhappy I was socializing with the neighbors. Oh well.

Friday I had multiple meetings with people about possible work opportunities and finished a project for a community group I help. I was feeling efficient, productive. etc.

W came in from work about 4:30, was falling asleep on the couch as I made dinner and entertained D2. W was supposed to go out with New BFF on Friday night, and kept saying she was tired and didn't want to go out. So don't go out. Then New BFF texted her that SHE was tired and wasn't going out. W was palpably relieved. It's like she's afraid to tell this woman no.

Saturday I took D2 to the playground in the morning. At noon I met up with my friends for a photo shoot nearby. W took D2 for a drive so she'd nap. W texted me that they'd gone to her parents' house so I could do whatever I wanted. It was a perfect day and I did a hike along the river for about two hours.

Later went to the restaurant where W, D2, and W's family were supposed to meet me for the dinner for my upcoming birthday. A little awkward, although W's family seems not to know there are serious problems. I arrived first. SIL, her boyfriend, and his son (SIL's BF has about 25 years on her and his son's in high school), then MIL and FIL with my D2. W, who apparently just dropped D2 with her parents and went out, showed up late and spent the dinner talking about the tattoos she plans to get. SIL had brought a cake to the restaurant, and they made the staff sing to me. It was fun. Went home in separate cars and I spent the rest of the evening with my friends next door.

Sunday I spent the morning with D2 and had a packed day after that. Went to an event honoring a friend for contributions to the community, then another annual event, then a silent film festival with a friend. Charlie Chaplin and Buster Keaton with a live piano accompanying. Great stuff.

Little interaction with W and I find I don't much care. She's not a person I recognize or particularly like at the moment.

[Niall11]

I had a birthday a couple of days ago and had a really great day. MIL helped D2 make a wonderful card for me. SIL and FIL and dozens of my family and friends all reached out to wish me a happy birthday. D2 gave me a huge hug and smile and sang, sort of, happy birthday to me, mixed in with "We Wish You a Merry Christmas."

W left for work without making sure I was up, despite D2 being in the house. Came home late from work because she stopped off at the mall to buy shoes for...herself. At least the 10th new pair in 8 months. Didn't say a word about my birthday. Asked me to make dinner (we wanted to grill and she doesn't know how to start the grill). Asked me to run out get her a bottle of wine before I left for a meeting. Went to sleep before I got home, since she was out until 1 AM the night before and gets up at 6 for work.

Well, that's clear enough.

[IHCLACS]

^^^^^ There is an old saying... "With friends like that?... Who needs enemies?"

[LH19]

Total lack of respect! Did you get the bottle of wine?