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Hello all,

This is my first post here. In January, I heard the ILYBIANILWY from my wife. I have been distraught and feeling hopeless ever since. I cry almost every day, and I am having trouble thinking about anything other than saving my marriage. I have just bought The Divorce Remedy and I am 58 pages into it. I will read the whole thing over the next day or two.

My wife and I have been married for over 21 years, and we have three children (16), (14) and (6). I have given everything I have to this family and now a facing complete and utter ruin to everything that is important to me. Never in a million years did I ever think I would be facing a divorce. I despise divorce. I adore my wife and my three children.

I think that my wife is both a walkaway wife and experiencing a MLC. Over the last three years she has become obsessive about her relationship with our daughter (16). My wife has had a very bad relationship with her own mother (a narcissist) who always invalidated my wife's feelings. Now my wife is talking as if I am her mother.

Since we started marriage counseling in February, I keep thinking I am fixing our relationship, but then I am shocked to learn at our counseling sessions that she is in no better place. I am a good provider, good father and I always thought a pretty good husband. I know that my wife and I both hate conflict, so that has problem swept a lot of problems under the rugs.

So, I am hoping that you guys can help me to save my marriage. I am terrible with getting my own life. I work long hours and always felt guilty not spending time with the kids and my wife after work. Now I am feeling depressed and don't want to leave the house. I also like the love I get from my kids when I am at home so that is making my GAL even harder. So, I need help in being able to do this.

I also need help in detaching. This completely goes against my personality. I have never had someone stop loving me before. I get along with just about everyone, and I can't stand that my wife doesn't love me any more. I am crushed. And I just want to win her back so bad. I know this is everything not to do in DB.

So this is the beginning of my long journey on this board. Please pray for my wife to open her heart to me and to give me the wisdom, strength and patience that is necessary to save my marriage. I would love for your support and guidance as well.

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Welcome to this board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)

I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.

This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.

I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289

Resources thread(last post only)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2592296#Post2592296

Things you should know as the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2701017#Post2701017

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1942444#Post1942444

Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741

MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1

WAS showing you positive signs? WAIT - READ THIS!
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2772942#Post2772942

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.

Detach the single most important thing to DO.

Your H/W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


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Its a process. I was exactly where you were from June till September of 2018. Same scenario. ILYBINILWY, but mine was having an affair with a kid 10 years younger. This is about them, not you. Reflect on any of your short comings you may have had in the marriage. Fix those and do it for yourself, not her or winning her back. I tried that 5 years ago, and still ended up with her having an exit affair. Tried reconciling beginning of FEB 19, but it has to be a 2 person task. Take care of yourself as when it happened to me my job sufferred (almost fired due to performance), my health (lost 30 lbs since i could eat i was so sick to my stomach and couldnt sleep). It will get better regardless of what path your situation takes.

Start by following the 37 rules listed in this forum, they really will work. And if you do start loosing wieght, use that as motivation to begin an exercise program. When you feel better about yourself, others take notice and your confidence will pick back up.

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I am confused if my situation is different from many others' here. My wife is very nice to me. We both avoid conflict (always have), and we still act like very good friends. So here is the situation.

- We still sleep in the MBR, but almost zero physical contact. No sex especially since marriage counselor took that off the table.

- Her MLC changes seem to be obsessive exercising, listening to the latest music, focused constantly on getting older, living vicariously through the life and dating relationship of my oldest daughter (16).

- She and I have been going out on dates. I have been probably doing overkill with dates to Musicals, but she is also planning dates like that. We have been going out for lunch or coffee about once a week during the work week. On weekends, about 75% of weekends we either have alone dates or events with groups of friends.

- When I leave the house or she leaves the house, she still says I love you.

- She talks to me all the time when we are in the house together which is every night after work.

My wife's behavior seems different than a lot of behavior on here. My worst fear is that she has moved on, but is trying to create a friendship so that we are good co-parenters after a divorce. Otherwise I fear that she is just a nice person and is trying to let me go softly.

Do you have any insight?

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If my wife is always nice, should I still be detaching? One of her biggest complaints in what went wrong with our marriage is that I didn't talk to her as soon as I came home from work. So now I have been cooking dinner with her, doing the dishes with her, etc. We get along great with very nice conversation. Should I keep doing this?

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Sorry you are here. You will meet some wonderfully helpful people, and find the support you need to help you through this. You will receive very wise advice. Heed it. Take it from me, they are usually spot on, and you will one day find yourself moving forward.

Originally Posted by Sh74
Since we started marriage counseling in February, I keep thinking I am fixing our relationship, but then I am shocked to learn at our counseling sessions that she is in no better place. I am a good provider, good father and I always thought a pretty good husband. I know that my wife and I both hate conflict, so that has problem swept a lot of problems under the rugs.


What is your goal in marriage counseling? You say you are “shocked to learn that….. she is in no better place”. Does she want to be there? If she is still stuck, and doesn’t want to work on the marriage, no amount of visits to the counselor will probably help. H and I did MC for about 8 months. He couldn’t get out of ping-pong mode (should I work on the marriage, D, just move out). So, I finally told him I thought it was best he moved out to figure it out. That was 8 months ago. I have come a long way. I think he is still stuck. So, re-evaluate whether MC is right for you now.

Originally Posted by Sh74
So, I am hoping that you guys can help me to save my marriage. I am terrible with getting my own life. I work long hours and always felt guilty not spending time with the kids and my wife after work. Now I am feeling depressed and don't want to leave the house. I also like the love I get from my kids when I am at home so that is making my GAL even harder. So, I need help in being able to do this.


To be a good father, and frankly, husband, you NEED to GAL. It will make you a more content, happier person, provide the needed distractions, and ultimately make you a better father. That is your goal. Letting yourself go and sitting around the house depressed is not attractive to your wife, and will not help your kids through this. Some of your GAL activities could include your kids – hiking, perhaps? Start thinking outside the box.

So my friend. Start GAL, read the boards, heed the advice, and sometimes just come here and vent. It helps, and has been valuable gift for me.

Good luck on your journey.


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Good Morning Sh74

Welcome to the group.

I am sorry for the recent events that have taken your life on this unwanted path.

And I am glad you found this board. This is a safe place. The kind and compassionate people here have much hard earned wisdom and can really help.

Post often, ask questions, vent, seek guidance, update, whatever and how often you like - it really does help.

We all start off seeking a way to save our marriage. Eventually we learn we need to save ourselves - first and foremost. The marriage is a bonus, if it is saved.

Sh74, I know how harsh that sounds. I really do! I was once right where you are right now.

Most of what you will be advised will seem counterintuitive, will go against your very instincts. The fixer, the no conflict, and such - the manner in which you saw things and walked through life has served you well, until now. Please listen and heed the hard advice, it does work, and you won’t believe it for a while.

What you are experiencing is perfectly fine and normal. The rug has been pulled out from under you, without warning or wanting. Your W’s behaviour has changed and you are looking about wondering what the hell just happened.

My very first recollection of help and hope was that someone actually believed me.

Sh74, I believe and understand what you are going through. MLC is real. Very few people in the real world have even the vaguest notion of what MLC actually is. How horrible and destructive to so many lives. The guy buying a Ferrari and finding a young buxom girlfriend is Hollywood’s extremely poor portrayal of a deep physiological trauma that alters the very reality of the sufferer.

You have shared a very open and honest picture of where you are, and what you are feeling. Well done.

You are correct, you have a long road ahead of you. So, let’s get started.

Breathe.

Just breathe.

It will be ok. Honest.

I completely understand the scrambling around attempting to save and fix your marriage. Stop all that!

Just breathe.

Focus on you and your kids. Just you and your kids.

Don’t worry about W. Don’t worry about the marriage. I know easier said than done.

Remember - counterintuitive.

I will offer you what I can to calm your mind and your heart. To help you stand back up and move forward.

For today, breathe and focus.

I know your mind will be racing about, so let’s give it something to do, that is useful as well.

MLC is caused from deep long ago trauma from their childhood. Something happened from someone in a position of authority, that the child could not yet deal with, due to age, lack of coping skills, or such. They internalized this terrible event, blaming themselves, and hiding in within.

Later in life, around midlife, mortality, family, pressures of life, etc... start building. A trigger event happens which unlocks this past pain, and the unraveling of the person starts. The trigger is usually between 18-24 month prior to bomb drop. Do you remember anything from around that time? A death, a birth, a sickness?

Over this period from trigger to BD, the MLCer slowly changes, starts to resent their spouse. Incorrectly projecting onto their spouse as the source of their pain. It silently builds until it explodes as BD. She runs! Attempting to evade the pain and tortment. There is nothing anyone can do, this includes you, to help your W through her dark path. She has to walk her path, at her speed.

Bomb drop is when you found out. Your W has being dealing with, well actually not dealing with, things for a long time. She has kept it hidden from everyone, included herself.

We all require a certain amount of understanding to start to move forward. And besides you are thinking about this pretty much nonstop right now, so getting it out, will do two things at once.

Tell me about some more about your W’s behaviours. You mentioned she talks to you as if you are her mother. An MLCer will see you as their parent, or authority figure, and heavily rebel against you. Notice - heavily. Seriously, not a good time. Sorry man. Stay strong.

The basic concept for you is to give her space and time. To let her see you are not the source of her pain. Then, she might look inward and start to see the true problem.

Is she acting confused? Forgetful? Angry? How does she treat the kids?

Focus on you. These questions seem to be the opposite - right? Not really. You need to understand and see your W’s behaviour and decide / believe if she is MLC, WAW, or something else. It is for you. By the way, your response, what you do, how you get on with your life, is similar no matter what she “is”, so don’t fret too much.

Focus on you and your kids.

You have a gift of time, use it well. This is a slow moving process. A marathon not a sprint.

Breathe.

I look forward to speaking with you again.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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I learn that my W is reading Love Warrior and the blog. This sent me into a terrible downward spiral. I am sitting in the bathroom crying with the shower on so no one can hear me.

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Sh74

You asked if you should still be detaching.

Absolutely!

It is for you! And you need it.

It’s ok to cry. Get through the days hour by hour, even minute by minute when you need to. You will make it.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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When I read these forums about MLCs, my wife seems to be acting differently. She seems to be having a lot of the same issues (scared of getting old, exercise obsession, new wardrobe, listening to the newest music), but she is not neglecting the kids or being mean to me every day. Instead, she just has said a few things over the last 5 months (ILYBIANILWY, I don't like the institution of marriage, I might never be attracted to you again). Is this common?

This causes me to have a very difficult time detaching. Her and I are getting along really well day to day. We cook together, raise the kids together, do family time and watch TV together at night. This makes it very difficult for me to detach.I am exercising every night, but we still have a lot of contact when I get home at night.

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Everything that you posted is very, very common w/the MLCer. She may be starting to question her life and looking at where she's been and where she's at today and starting to think about her future and what she thinks she missed along the way. She hasn't ramped up into full blown replay just yet from what you posted.

Sounds like you aren't putting any pressure on her, which is good. The more you talk about the relationship and put pressure on her to change back to her old self, the more she will go into a rebelling state. Right now, you are accepting her for the way she is and not acting like an authority figure to her child/teenage self.

Try to keep the focus on you and your children. Watch your finances. Continue to do things for yourself in the way of GALing.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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I am not sure that I am not putting pressure on her. Yesterday, I made her mother's day dinner with all the kids help. She seemed to love it! But I am sure there was pressure. I also slip up a lot and tell her that I want her to love me again. She says, "I do love you." CONFUSED!!!!!

I am also terrible with the GAL. I have built my life around being a good family man, and I love that role. I am exercising every night now however.

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Originally Posted by Sh74
I am not sure that I am not putting pressure on her. Yesterday, I made her mother's day dinner with all the kids help. She seemed to love it! But I am sure there was pressure. I also slip up a lot and tell her that I want her to love me again. She says, "I do love you." CONFUSED!!!!!

I am also terrible with the GAL. I have built my life around being a good family man, and I love that role. I am exercising every night now however.

Sh74,

You replied to my thread with a MC question, and I linked here. First some things that are similar in my sitch:

- 3 kids (mine are younger, 7, 5 and 3)
- We tried MC from Sept '18 to Jan '19. Ended because we mutually agreed it was going nowhere and the MC would do unprofessional things like miss appointments.
- "Plan" is to re-start MC in June or July. I expect this is not an honest effort by W to improve M, but more likely a BD.

We relocated about 18 months ago, and W has been on and off fighting something. She has not seemed genuinely happy most of the time. It could certainly be a MLC triggered by the disruption of the move. She seems depressed. I think she thinks she chose to marry me now due to some unresolved conflict with her parents/childhood. Who knows? I'm almost positive there is no EA/PA. I sought reassurance and intimacy as my way of dealing with the move, which caused a lot of problems when I would get emotional about it. I was emotionally immature (and still am).

I also work and then go home. I am terrible with GAL - in fact my wife has PUSHED me to spend time with friends or by myself previously and I resisted. Literally I didn't recognize she was begging me to differentiate. Anyways, I am struggling in many ways the same as you.

Some random thoughts, from someone who keeps telling themselves these things and yet backslides every day into self-pity:

- Stop seeking reassurance that she loves you. It is pressure, pressure, pressure. You can be there for her and validate and listen, but let her lead the way. My wife stopped saying ILY 4 months ago. About 2 months ago, I decided I would stop as well.
- Stop trying so hard to show her you love her. True DB'g (I am a novice here) is about letting go. First, good for your own well-being. Second, it gives your W space (again, removal of pressure). I know, hard to do on Mother's Day.
- Fight the temptation to read into what your W says or does. It leads easily to paranoid thinking and then self-defeating behaviors. This is subtle and DIFFICULT. The clearest example is your fear of the BD. In my case, I decided this was not a paranoid thought, that I had enough "evidence" to be convinced I needed to prepare. In your case, it's hard to say.

For your MC question - I will give some thoughts in the thread where you asked the question.

For GAL - after my kids go to bed, often my W and I watch TV, maybe have a glass of wine, crack jokes, casual talk. I very consciously last week decided to spend some nights by myself on an old hobby of mine instead. I MISS that interaction with W, it feels like one of the few threads holding us together. But honestly... sitting around watching TV is just letting the clock tick down. We are talking like friends, acquaintances. There is no R-building going on there. Laying on a couch, having a drink, watching TV -- it is so comfortable and fun, but when I realize it's not helping me, or my M, it's much easier to get the motivation to do something different.

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How are you guys able to work during all of this? I am crying about one to two hours a day (but never at home) and I can't focus at all.

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Hi Sh74, sorry that your dealing with this but you have found a great place for advice and comfort. Listen to the Veterans on here and following the guidelines of this site. Your upaet is normal and unfortunately you have to go through it , there is no easy way around it. We all see differences in our own situations but the basics are the same and thats the hardest part to accept. GAL is all important for you and your family. You need to look after you and accept what is happening and work through it. Whatever your W is going through , it didn't happen overnight and any solutions will not happen overnight. My story is 5 years old and while it didn't end in a reconciled marriage i can honestly say im happy in life. When i got the ILYBNILWY i thought my world was over BUT it wasn't and whatever the outcome in your situation your life will be happy again. Thats hard for you to grasp right now but its true.

Post often and follow the guidelines of this site , focus on you and your kids.

Take care , RD

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Hello SH, I feel like I am turning back the clock and reading my first posts on this forum from way back when,
your situation is so very similar to what mine was. I have 3 kids, they were about the same ages as yours at BD, I had been married almost 20 years at the time, had been with my XW a few years longer than that. So let me say I really feel for you, I can easily identify with your confusion and heartbreak. First I'm going to say something that will have to become your mantra through this- you will never understand why this happened. Your W probably doesn't understand why she is doing this either. She's being driven by something deep inside, a feeling that things aren't right and a desire for them to be better. It will very likely take her years to come to grips with these feelings and decide what she wants in life. This has a lot more to do with a journey she is on than anything you did wrong in the M.

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I cry almost every day, and I am having trouble thinking about anything other than saving my marriage.


I cried every single day all the way to work on my 30 minute commute. Then I would pull it together and go in the office and sit there obsessing over "how to fix this" getting hardly any actual work done. Then I would cry all the way home and dry my eyes, go in and greet the kids, go in my room to change clothes and cry more in the closet. That was nearly every day for months.

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I have given everything I have to this family and now a facing complete and utter ruin to everything that is important to me.


I felt the same. Just when we fall into a place where we think we've got life by the balls and our future is all perfectly laid out and tidy, THAT is when we're reminded that we're not actually the ones in control. All we can do is roll with it. It took me a long time and a lot of input from people here but I was gradually able to change my focus to trying to better myself and making the most of my time with the kids, and leaving XW to whatever journey she was on.

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Never in a million years did I ever think I would be facing a divorce. I despise divorce. I adore my wife and my three children.


Again I readily identify with everything you're saying! But here's the thing, it's not your choice. That was a rude awakening for me, to realize I had no say in whether we would stay married or not. That's the world we live in, it only takes one to D and marriage is just not a sacred vow anymore. In the old days the community would rally to try and save hurting marriages, now the community applauds divorce.

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Since we started marriage counseling in February, I keep thinking I am fixing our relationship, but then I am shocked to learn at our counseling sessions that she is in no better place.


Yup. I kept hearing really positive things in MC but then out of the blue my XW would say "I just don't want to work on things anymore." Even the marriage counselor seemed mystified. One time she asked my XW if she respected me and she said "oh yes, very much". She said do you think he's not a good father and she said "oh he's an amazing dad to our kids." She said what about sex, is he selfish in bed and she said "no, the sex is wonderful, I would even like to keep having sex" (we had not had sex since BD at that point). The counselor said "I don't understand, in counseling we call these three things the pillars of a great relationship, why exactly do you not want to work on this?" All she could say was "I don't know, I'm just done." I heard that "I'm just done" line more times than I can count in and out of MC.

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I know that my wife and I both hate conflict, so that has problem swept a lot of problems under the rugs.


One of the things I kept telling people after BD is that my XW and I never fought, but I eventually learned that wasn't a good thing. A lack of conflict usually points to a lot of pent-up resentment. My XW was VERY resentful and never expressed it, and the reason for that resentment was a lack of effective communication in our M which was the fault of both of us.

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So, I am hoping that you guys can help me to save my marriage. I am terrible with getting my own life. I work long hours and always felt guilty not spending time with the kids and my wife after work. Now I am feeling depressed and don't want to leave the house. I also like the love I get from my kids when I am at home so that is making my GAL even harder. So, I need help in being able to do this.


OK, well first of all it's difficult to do when you're both under the same roof. I had to really force myself to, and I absolutely hated it at first. I had always been a gym rat but had let it go for many years, so I joined a gym and got back into it. I also picked back up some of my old hobbies, particularly building R/C planes and tinkering with my motorcycles. Just anything to occupy you and take your mind off things and get you out of the house. I also reconnected with old friends and started doing lunches and dinners with them. While you're under the same roof then keep your W informed, you don't want to just dump the kids on her daily and disappear as that will just cause more resentment. Anyway like I said I had to force myself to do these things and you will too. Eventually it'll get easier and after quite a while you'll find yourself enjoying GAL.

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I also need help in detaching.


That comes with time and is a byproduct of GAL and changing your focus.

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This completely goes against my personality. I have never had someone stop loving me before. I get along with just about everyone, and I can't stand that my wife doesn't love me any more. I am crushed. And I just want to win her back so bad. I know this is everything not to do in DB.


She still loves you, and even though she may look like the ice princess on the outside, on the inside she is really in a lot of pain and turmoil. She knows she's hurting you and the kids and she hates herself for it. But she feels desperate to escape and feels she is justified.

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I am confused if my situation is different from many others' here. My wife is very nice to me. We both avoid conflict (always have), and we still act like very good friends.


That's actually not that unusual here. And as I mentioned above, the lack of conflict is a red flag, it's not healthy.

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She and I have been going out on dates. I have been probably doing overkill with dates to Musicals, but she is also planning dates like that. We have been going out for lunch or coffee about once a week during the work week.


None of that is going to change anything. You've got to let her go before she might want to come back.

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My wife's behavior seems different than a lot of behavior on here. My worst fear is that she has moved on, but is trying to create a friendship so that we are good co-parenters after a divorce. Otherwise I fear that she is just a nice person and is trying to let me go softly.


Her behavior is not unusual for a WAS. And yes, she is trying to make things easier on you and pave the way for peaceful coparenting. That doesn't mean there's no chance to save your M, but there is no chance RIGHT NOW. It's going to take a long, long time before she might consider recon. Probably years.

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Instead, she just has said a few things over the last 5 months (ILYBIANILWY, I don't like the institution of marriage, I might never be attracted to you again). Is this common?


Yes. That's a reflection of how she feels RIGHT NOW. It can and will eventually change but it'll take a while. What you've got to try and accept is this IS how she feels and there is no "magic trick" to change her mind.

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How are you guys able to work during all of this? I am crying about one to two hours a day (but never at home) and I can't focus at all.


I told my boss what was going on as my work performance dropped off a cliff after BD. It took months before I was productive again. It was hell. I eventually got on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds as it had gotten to the point where I couldn't even sit at my desk due to fight-or-flight kicking in.

I can't say where this journey will take you, but you are going to need patience like you've never had before. I became the spouse only a fool would leave, and it did not bring my XW back but by the time I got to that point I no longer cared whether she came back or not. In fact I was the one that eventually pushed the divorce through because I no longer wanted to be married to the person she had become. I don't know what happened to her but while she was nice and pleasant and continued to be a great mom after BD, she was no longer that person that had unconditional love for me and would have done anything for me. The old version of her could tell me with her eyes that I was the center of her universe. The new version just looked at me so coldly, so different. She has slowly become more like her old self over the years. For a long time she just seemed so utterly alien (you'll see that word used a lot in the MLC forum) but slowly she has been changing back. Will she ever change completely back and want to recon? It could happen but I have moved on and am in another relationship and for me the recon ship has already sailed.

Anyway be patient, get out and GAL, try to take your focus off W and put it on you and the kids. Learn to be the best you that you can be. Read books. Devour these forums. Post in your thread as well as others. Revive old friendships. Make new ones. Eventually you'll realize that you will be fine with or without your W.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Thank you AnotherStander for such a powerful response.

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First I'm going to say something that will have to become your mantra through this- you will never understand why this happened. Your W probably doesn't understand why she is doing this either. She's being driven by something deep inside, a feeling that things aren't right and a desire for them to be better. It will very likely take her years to come to grips with these feelings and decide what she wants in life. This has a lot more to do with a journey she is on than anything you did wrong in the M.


I hope that you are right about this. She seems pretty convinced that this is all my fault, but boy I have always been her biggest fan. I have always adored her. I have been beating myself up for months now that this is all my fault.


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Again I readily identify with everything you're saying! But here's the thing, it's not your choice.


This is the hardest thing for me to come to grips with. This isn't my choice. It seems like no matter how much I change, I am never able to make her happy.

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One of the things I kept telling people after BD is that my XW and I never fought, but I eventually learned that wasn't a good thing. A lack of conflict usually points to a lot of pent-up resentment. My XW was VERY resentful and never expressed it, and the reason for that resentment was a lack of effective communication in our M which was the fault of both of us.


I think the fact that we both don't like conflict is a huge problem. We need to learn how to talk to each other.


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That comes with time and is a byproduct of GAL and changing your focus.


I really need to figure out how to GAL. I am going to the gym, but I am still hovering around the house too much.

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She still loves you, and even though she may look like the ice princess on the outside, on the inside she is really in a lot of pain and turmoil. She knows she's hurting you and the kids and she hates herself for it. But she feels desperate to escape and feels she is justified.


I hope that she wakes up and realizes the pain she is going to put our kids through. I still can't believe that she is willing to put me through it.

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None of that is going to change anything. You've got to let her go before she might want to come back.


I so hope this isn't true. I hope that I can win her back by showing how good of a husband I am.

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Just checking in. My heart aches every day. Every day is a rollercoaster, and I just want to get off of it. But, I just have to keep taking every day day by day. I pray that each of you gets some comfort today. My we all feel God's loving presence.

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I took a step backwards today. I told my W how much she means to me and how I would be lost without her. She told me that she loves me, but her eyes showed that she felt uncomfortable with my words. I am sure I made her feel guilty. I just love her so much, and I so want to win her love back.

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I wish there was a way, or words I could offer, that could make it easier. Truth is, this is really hard. One thing I can say to you is that no one thing you do is going to break the situation. There are many times I slipped up and initiated a relationship talk, or explained to her how much I loved her. You DO love her and it isn't wrong in a normal scenario to tell people how you feel. Its just in this case it doesn't serve the purpose you are shooting for. She KNOWS you love her. She KNOWS you care. She KNOWS you are waiting for her. That knowledge is helping her continue in her state of uncertainty while she explores her confusion to find her happiness.

I think some of the best advice I had that helped me get through the day (aside from the regular detach and GAL advice) was to breath and just worry about today. I noticed that a lot of my depression and anxiety that I felt about losing my W/best friend/lover/mother of my children was trying to work out the future and how to fix everything. When I was able to take a breath and take a step back from the situation, I was then able to remind myself that things were not going to be fixed today and that I didn't need to worry about how to fix everything...today. Then I was able to focus on letting go of that responsibility while I worked on the daily routine and just enjoying THAT day. I challenge you to do the same.

Just remember that as they say, this is a marathon, not a sprint. Pace yourself so you can finish the race. You aren't going to make any decisions today that are going to break things (even slipping up with sharing your emotions). So, be kind to yourself today. You did not break this so its not going to be your responsibility to fix it.

Hope you have a better day today than yesterday, and a better tomorrow than today.


Me: 45 yrs
W: 43 yrs
Together: 20 yrs
Married: 15 yrs
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Originally Posted by Sh74
I took a step backwards today. I told my W how much she means to me and how I would be lost without her. She told me that she loves me, but her eyes showed that she felt uncomfortable with my words. I am sure I made her feel guilty. I just love her so much, and I so want to win her love back.

Sh74 - she knows you love her. Stop the R talk. It is making things worse. I know it is really hard. I almost did this last night. When you feel that urge, take a break, remember the advice on this forum.

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Sjohns6 and Unchien,

Thank you so much for your encouragement and words of advice. My one foot in the denial bucket messes me up all the time. Two years ago, some sweet tender words would make everything okay. It is a new day.

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Sh74 - I struggle just as much as you. I'm just better the last 2-3 weeks about controlling that urge. But the urge is still there to "fix" things. I think of things to say, notes to write, texts and e-mails. I can say definitively my efforts the month prior to finding DB just made my situation exponentially worse.

Fundamentally this is NGS behavior, and an effort to control the other person. Now that I am starting to see my behavior for what it is, it helps me to stop. Let your W live her life and make her own decisions. For now, professions of love are just pressure that will shove her away further.

Last night when I had that urge to say "I know you want a D", I went to a room by myself and contacted a friend who has been through this. It took me a good 2 hours before I calmed down, but I did it. I wanted to break down bawling. Once the intensity of the emotions subsided, I felt this incredible relief that I held it together. I felt I earned myself a little self-respect. I was proud. Small victories. I know this is hard, it is excruciating.

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unchien,

I do my crying during the day, so when I get home I am all cried out. This isn't healthy, but it is my new normal.

I have been doing a ton of exercising, so that is good. It is my GAL at this point.

God bless you!

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Sh,

If you truly love her which I believe you do. Why won’t you give her what she wants and set her free?

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Originally Posted by Sh74
unchien,

I do my crying during the day, so when I get home I am all cried out. This isn't healthy, but it is my new normal.

I have been doing a ton of exercising, so that is good. It is my GAL at this point.

God bless you!

I think the crying is healthy. Maybe I'm too new to this.

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Hello Sh74

It’s ok to cry. We’ve all done lots - you’re not alone. In pretty good company IMO.

It’s healthy and much better than bottling it up.

Keep working on detachment and focusing on you. It gets easier, day by day, little by little.


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She still loves you, and even though she may look like the ice princess on the outside, on the inside she is really in a lot of pain and turmoil. She knows she's hurting you and the kids and she hates herself for it. But she feels desperate to escape and feels she is justified.

I hope that she wakes up and realizes the pain she is going to put our kids through. I still can't believe that she is willing to put me through it.

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None of that is going to change anything. You've got to let her go before she might want to come back.

I so hope this isn't true. I hope that I can win her back by showing how good of a husband I am.


It is good that you see the denial. Your post about one foot in the denial bucket is a good step; you are aware of the bucket, the fact that you are stepping out of it, and the mess it makes from all the sloshing around.

I do get the idea of wanting to win her back, to be the best husband possible. Sh74, those are noble and worth goals, do them for you. Become the best version of Sh74, for him. I am pretty sure he is worth the effort.

For a long time, I just can’t believe it, is very true. In time our language and use of it becomes self affirming; do be accurate, your mind is listening.

DnJ


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SH74,
First, I am sorry you are here. Second, you are definitely not alone. My H has done most of the things that your W is doing. Saying I want a D one day and literally the next going to dinner with me. Since you mentioned prayer and God I will say that my best GAL has been listening to sermons on podcast on the commute to work and then prayer and songs.
I, too struggle with GAL activities. The best ones are with my s17. He's our youngest and the last one at home. When he is gone, I don't quite know what to do with myself. Married 23 years, so most of my fun was had with my H.

I try something new as often as I can. Went to bingo didn't love it, but at least I tried it. I don't have a lot of friends here so it's hard to find a group to have dinner with that aren't mutual friends, couples, and I'm not up for that at this time.

I will pray for you. That has helped me. Praying with a very small (3) number of people who will pray with me.

I cry too. Less now (H moved out Feb 1, said he is filing soon). It's confusing. I try not to ask why anymore. It gets easier when you focus on your own walk and not theirs. They aren't the same people right now. That's been so helpful for me. Another Stander has given great advice. Take it.

Detachment is very hard at first and does seem counterintuitive, but you MUST keep your eyes on your own walk right now. It's not giving up, it's giving your W the freedom to find her own way. You can't fix her. You can't do the "one thing" that will bring her out of this, but you can be the best you right now. Be a light on the hill. Be steady. Be a rock. You will be thankful for the growth if you allow it to change you. Fear is a liar and not a friend to you right now.

I hope you are surrounded by love at this time and that you are able to take care of yourself. Some days are so much harder than others. I tell myself "It will not always feel like this" and I absolutely know that to be true. Take one day at a time. Fear creeps in when our minds wonder about the future.

God bless you and keep you.


ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19

8/17-BD
IHS: 1/17-2/19
D FILED (ME): 7/19
D FINAL: 10/20
M23 T25
OW CONFIRMED: 01/21

Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
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