You're a real example, Fly. I know I'm nowhere near ready yet. I know it. I feel lonely and I think if I dated I'd be too willing to accept poor behaviour (or out and out sex pests and nutters) to get those compliments and crumbs of affection. My dog adores me and I have lots of hugs from my friends, who also give me plenty of compliments. In a strange way it helps me to see why H would have had his EA. It wasn't okay, and it really hurt, but I get how fundamental that need is to have fun, to be around someone who is attracted to you, who seems to like you, who is curious about you. I do get that. I hope you have some wonderful dates and selfishly, I hope you come and tell us homebodies all about them.
Gosh, I realised I haven't been on a date in 28 years...
ARSE LICKING?! OMG. Wow. Just wow. Is this how people behave with relative strangers nowadays, or is it just the weird dregs on dating apps? Honestly, it sounds like something straight off a sitcom. Arse licking? I mean, what, does he practice with his bosses at work or something?! Gobsmacking
Yes, apparently it's a thing. Now, I'm far from a prude, and I am definitely not one to judge what consenting adults choose to do behind closed doors, but I probably wouldn't lead with telling someone that's what I want to do on a first date, or any date in fact. Either the standards for what is acceptable to say on a first date has changed A LOT or I am a straight up weirdo magnet.
Date 4 - the poetic one, who is actually a photographer, was sort of my type, in that the conversation was varied, challenging and a little philosophical. He had lots of Sanskrit tatts with things like "let each of my actions benefit the greatest number of people" and "run wild, be free". I can't actually remember if that's what they said, but they were a long those kind of yoga meditationish lines. He talked about the importance of being true to yourself, eating well, living honestly and seeing the world. We decided to continue the conversation back at his, which was identical to the house I flat shared in when I was in my 20's (no, he is mid 30's) and I remembered I am not in my 20's and shouldn't be with a man who still lives and talks like a university student. So, drank some wine, made out a little then made my excuses, and headed home.
I completely get where you're coming from Alison. It is hard to know if the desire to be with someone is because you're insecure and lonely, or because you actually like being with them. I think the time alone has served me well. I know what I want and what I want is for it to feel real. Four dates now, and I can honestly say that the only one that even remotely felt real was the first one. The rest, I could take or leave. Yes, the validation is nice, but honestly, I don't think I need it. Yes, the sex is nice, but i've gone so long without it, that I know I don't need it.
The time spent alone taught me that my H was wrong - I am worth a hell of a lot more than he made me think I was worth. Yes, I failed our M in so many ways, but so did he. And I wasn't the one that bailed.
I read this today "She was not waiting for a knight, she was looking for a sword" (credit to Atticus).
Re arse-licking, and without wanting to get into TMI - but mine and my H's intimate life, other than the period I had PND, has not been lacking. I think when everything else went kaput, it was the single place that we were able to give to each other and take from each other without fear and resentment and defensiveness. It wasn't perfect, and eventually the sadness in the marriage showed up in the bedroom too, but for a long time we were very free with each other. I felt safe with him and I think he felt safe enough to be both bold and vulnerable with me. And STILL I think I'd have to have a glass of wine or two (and I don't drink!) to work up the courage to ask for some arse-licking.
Date four sounds both exactly my type, and like he needs to grow up a bit.
Do you daughters know you are dating? Does your H? Is that something you worry about? I am imagining you are keeping this aspect of your GAL to the times when your daughters are with your H, and that's probably wisest: you're allowed a private life. Do you think your H would react to this in any way if he knew, or is that just not on your radar at all?
You're both welcome to date number 4, I'm imagining batik wall hangings! I'm enjoying the vicarious dating here though. The arse-licking still has me shaking my head
Alison - It wasn't the act that I objected to, it was the sitting across from me in a nice bar and saying that that was what he'd like to do. Things happen in the heat of the moment, but shouldn't be the asked about in a nice bar with someone you've just met.
I have not told my girls about the dating. I plan them around my nights without the girls and only ever in London. I don't want to run into anyone locally. I am sure my H would react, but he can't very well say anything about it to me. He left. He has dated (and could still be dating for all I know). He has said he is not coming back. All his actions tell me that I do not need to seek his permission, nor should I feel guilty for anything I do. But yet, he would find a way to punish me, and my dating would be substantial punishment. He knows me well enough to know that if I am dating, I am sleeping with other people. That alone would either be the thing that snaps him out of his madness, or the thing that triggers him to start proceedings.
He is going to Vegas today with two of his friends. I am not seeing him for a week. I have not asked what he will do whilst he is there and it is very unlikely he will contact me - though he will call the girls. I am actually relatively relaxed about this.
Dilly - unfortunately, there won't be any dating updates for a while. I am on childcare duty until Tuesday next week so full mum mode, and actually pretty glad for it. I have missed my girls.
I think having that privacy and your own life - and feeling comfy about your H having the privacy of his own life (on his trip) is probably one of the keys to detachment. I'm glad you're looking forward to seeing your girls!
It makes a change from H who would rather choke then pay me a compliment and before he left said I was too skinny, too muscly and that I should really do something about the stretch marks (I've had two kids you [censored]hole).
Seriously, what a tool. Someone that doesn't have some scars and stretch marks by 40 is living a sheltered life. In the same way a perfect diamond needs a flaw for us to appreciate it's perfection, a few marks on a woman's body just highlights her beauty in my opinion.
Originally Posted by FlySolo
Yes, apparently it's a thing. Now, I'm far from a prude, and I am definitely not one to judge what consenting adults choose to do behind closed doors, but I probably wouldn't lead with telling someone that's what I want to do on a first date, or any date in fact. Either the standards for what is acceptable to say on a first date has changed A LOT or I am a straight up weirdo magnet.
My girlfriend is in her late 20's and I dated a few other women spanning all ages before her and it is definitely more of a "thing" with the younger crowd. But no no noooooo that is so inappropriate to discuss on a first date, LOL! WOW! I can't really imagine anything more creepy, did he drive there in a white windowless van?
Quote
The time spent alone taught me that my H was wrong - I am worth a hell of a lot more than he made me think I was worth. Yes, I failed our M in so many ways, but so did he. And I wasn't the one that bailed.
Yes, well said and that is exactly right. That's one of the reasons you see me telling people not to jump into dating too soon, first you have to find peace and happiness alone. My girlfriend likes to watch RuPaul's Drag Race and at the end of it he always says "If you don't love yourself then how are you going to love somebody else, can I get an amen!" Very true statement. I think a lot of people that get BD'd don't love themselves as a result of it (or maybe even before) and even think they are unlovable. They are so desperate to fill that "hole" in themselves that they jump into dating too soon.
I'm not saying you're not ready, it sounds like you are! Good luck, hopefully someone will check all the boxes on your "want list"
Happy to hear your updates FS. Funny how the most real date was with the youngest guy...lol. Glad someone else has had my experience. . Sounds like he is pretty into you too with his texting updates and his enthusiasm about seeing you again. I think if you enjoy spending time with him, keep doing it. I’ve been seeing Jack for almost six weeks now and the age difference is becoming less and less of an issue. Anyway...glad you are having fun!!! Keep us posted!!!
