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FS: the thing about you being a distancer only when you might get rejected is me to an absolute T. I'm extremely outgoing and confident and it's mostly in my marriage that I distance, though I was discussing this with my IC yesterday and there are times when I distance in my friendships too, like they are the ones who go to the effort of contacting me rather than the other way round. I'm 180ing on that to some extent. I realised too that if friends don't bother reaching out to me I just let those friendships lapse because I think they don't care. Hmm.

The thing with the front seat: I have had that same thing happen to me. I have had tantrums about it in the past (that doesn't go well, I don't recommend that behaviour!). It's complicated because on the one hand it's just a sibling rivalry thing, kids fight about going in the front seat. On the other hand it's extraordinarily disrespectful of your H AND your D12 to behave that way. We went through a phase of my kids sitting in the front seat and then laughing at me having to sit in the back, but dh went from letting them do that to saying 'no, that's not ok, you have to sit in the back'. It might be just a seat, but it's symbolic of you being pushed out. I think you should say something nicely to your husband about it if it happens again. Do you think it might have been partly him punishing you over the locks?

Last edited by dillydaf; 05/02/19 06:48 AM.
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I'd have been hacked off about that car seat thing too, FS - and I think you did the right thing in speaking to your daughter about it. I suspect your H was enjoying it a bit - and it probably was to do with the locks - but who knows? In the past I would have allowed either of my children to do precisely that to H and if he'd have got upset about it (and his upset would have involved a tantrum or going on the attack about something else) I'd have treated him with complete contempt for a) making a fuss about something so tiny and b) showing his upset in such an immature way. We'd have both been right in some respects, and the whole thing would have been avoided if I'd have participated in requiring the kids to show him proper respect. So you've pricked my conscience a bit this morning!

If you were going to say something to your husband, it might go down better if you frame it in terms of what is best for your daughter. She's obviously finding aspects of the separation very challenging and perhaps you asking your H to show that you both have a firmly united front as parents (perhaps that is one of the things she was testing, if only subconsciously) would help her feel more secure? Do you think he'd be open to hearing that?

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Ugh... I would have been upset about the front seat situation too and I think dillydaff is right...I read that and immediately thought he was punishing you and using D12 to do it. Even with my H and I days away from divorce, he would have told our daughter to sit in the back and given that he is King Douchebag of Douchbag Land, that’s saying a lot. It’s a respect thing... adults in the front. You H was intentionally trying to put you on the same level as your children. Very disrespectful IMO. It wasn’t about being in the front or the back...it was the underlying message. Honestly FS, you deserve so much better. I really hope that you finish off that dating profile of yours and meet some people who would see you as the fantastic woman that you are. I think you would be very glad you did. (((HUGS)))

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Ugh ... wrote a proper response and then it crashed. Have to go pick up D12 now and then take girls to dinner so will do a proper response later ... but for now ...

"King Douchebag of Douchbag land"

classic ... had me spitting my coffee ...


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It sounds like you handled it perfectly well. I like that it sounds like you didn’t give your H the satisfaction of letting him know it bothered you. Personally, I used to be the type to jump all over things like that with my H, and it never went well. One of my 180s is to really pick my battles and not feed into the little power struggles. Then if it comes up again I feel I have a bit of an upper hand. If not, I get to be the bigger person and to me personally right now, that tends to feel best.

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Thanks guys -

I didn't tell him about the locks until we were in the car already so he wasn't punishing me for that. It was more habitual/normalised disrespect as opposed to anything malicious. A bit like expecting me to drive to his mums to pick up the keys, he didn't think there was anything wrong with the children sitting up front. I did see him smile when D12 said "Why do you get to sit in the front?" so it probably only hit him that in a way it was pushing me out.

He just doesn't think about me. Kind of like him saying "when were you locked out?" when I told him why I'd changed the locks. Locking me out of the house was such a minor deal to him he had already forgotten about it two days late.

I did end up speaking to him about the children sitting in the front seat when he came to take the girls to school this morning. I picked my time badly as we had just had a conversation about who was looking after the dog this weekend as I am away with the girls. I have booked a sitter. He thinks I should have spoken to him first as he is home this weekend (his schedule says "away"). In any case, I told him I'd spoken to D12 and then said I wanted to make sure we were on the same page. He huffed a little, gave me that look that said I was being ridiculous, said "ok" under his breath, then told the girls it was time to go. I sent him a text (in response to one from him re children related logistics) and said "also - wanted to say thanks for backing me up on the car seat thing".

On another note ...

I went to a play center with MIL yesterday. She called to say she was taking BIL's daughter and did the girls want to go. Only D12 was home (D9 had a netball game) so only D12 went. She is too big for the play center but she likes spending time with MIL. MIL and I use to be close, we use to joke about what a [censored[ H could be. Now, she doesn't know what to say to me. I know she would be ecstatic if we got back together, but the longer it goes on the weirder it gets for everyone. So, I was friendly and chatty and avoided R talks. She talks when she's nervous so I didn't need to say much. Just ask a question "how as your holiday" and off she'd go. I don't blame her nervousness and reluctance to see me. She doesn't want to get in the middle of things.

I will say that H's trust issues, his anxiety and his need to be right all the time come from her. Again, not blame. But I think to understand someone (and forgive them) you need to understand where they come from. Doesn't help a toss in terms of R, but it helps the resentment to subside.

When we left I said "Great, I guess I'll see you when I see you". She laughed nervously and replied "you know you're always welcome when the girls come round" knowing full well that it doesn't matter whether I am welcome or not. It is up to H to invite me ...


Last edited by FlySolo; 05/03/19 12:03 PM.

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Hey FS, just don´t give H the power that he doesn´t have. You are perfectly in charge of your journey. Don´t let that negative energy interfere with your positive attitude.

Boundaries set, keep your pace forward girl!


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Thanks Neff.

The power he had over me was driven by fear. Fear he would leave, then fear he would not come back. But while I still hold hope for our marriage, I am just walking my path and doing what I think is best for me and the girls.

I have set (unenforceable) boundaries and he is not reacting as badly as I thought he would. Don't get me wrong, a year ago that fear was based on reality. He would have reacted and I would have been left in tears. Now, there is a momentary change in temperature but that's it. He is nicer to me now than he has been in a long long time.

Things have changed. And he knows.


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This sounds so positive, FS. What I am learning from you is that acting calmly without fear always has good results and they are nothing to do with the reaction, good or bad, you get from your H. I wish I could be in this place. I still have so much fear - but now and again I feel that steady ground under my feet and I am moving in that direction.

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I am trying. I don't always succeed, but I fail much less than I use to smile.

Just got back from three days in Brighton with the girls. We had a really good time. We walked along the sea front, played the arcade games, ate ice cream, watched a live comedy (kids) show, walked around a food fair and took a trip on the i360. There was lots of spontaneous laughter. Plus, the energy and vibrancy of Brighton reminds me a lot of Bondi or Manly so feels very familiar.

We stayed one night in a hotel and one night with a girlfriend. She threw her H a few days before christmas, and whilst it's not a case of good girl gone bad, she is certainly miles ahead of me in the 'detaching' thing. I know others may disagree, but I do think having a [censored] of a W/H makes the detaching thing easier. My H calls his kids every day. I hear him trying to painfully coax conversation out of a 9 and 12 year old, which isn't easy, but he perseveres. He goes to every netball, football and school event he can. He sees them every day he can. He drives 20 mins over here in morning just to take them to school. In the last month he has just taken them to legoland for three days and I heard him say just now to D12 that he is taking them to theme park for another two days at the end of the month (he has taken a week off work whilst they're on half term). He might be a flawed human, he might be a [censored] of a H, but he is a good father. I think I would rather that he is a good father to his children, and have to put up with this uncertainty, then he be a complete [censored] and I be able to move on. Anyway, I think AS post on his half brother and spending three days with a girlfriend whose H is a [censored] has made me grateful that my kids have two parents that love them very very much.

When I got back today, I noticed some packages on the island in the kitchen that must have come whilst I was away. I text H to see if he had been by the house whilst I was away. He replied that yes, he had taken the back door key saturday when he came to visit the girls. He obvs had enough foresight to pocket the back door key when he was here, but he could have not moved the packages at all, and I would never have been the wiser. I was planning to give him one of the keys to the front (we have two locks so if I give him one, he will have to tell me when he is coming over so that I leave the other one unlocked) so may ask for the back door key back then.

Also, MIL text me whilst I was away to ask if she could take D12 to a book signing after her next counselling session. I replied that I would prefer her to come home (it will be the first session on her own) as I think it is best that either I or her dad is with her after. I don't know how she will be after. It could be nothing, or she could be really stressed out. My plan is to get takeway and sit with her to watch one of her programs or play board games with her and D9. Nothing major. Just a quiet night in. That way she is in the comfort of her own home, there is no rushing about, and we are there if she needs us. I know this probably didn't go down well with MIL but I did have D12's interest at heart. I did end the text exchange with "Thanks for understanding. Enjoy the rest of your weekend. X".

No Yoga for three days but lots of GALg with kids and lots of really good food. Brighton has really good food.


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