The cooking is definitely a 180. He has never really lived on his own so he had to cook. I assumed he'd do simple meals - steak, chips etc, but he has decided to go the full hog. Continuation of the healthy living kick he initiated in the 6-12 months before BD. I even tried to cook even bought healthy cook books when he lived here. It wasn't the spices itself. It was just evidence of a life lived without me. That's why I avoid going to the flat. I've only been there half a dozen times since he MO. Each time I see something that cuts me up. First time he had purchased paintings for the walls, then it was photos of the children in the frames that use to house photos of us, then a Christmas tree ... small things, but they are evidence of a separate life.
*** side bar - he would never leave evidence of anOW. He would not want the girls to find them. And he would not want me to find them. When I discovered he was dating - it was by accident. He was supposed to be 'away' and he thought I was at home looking after the girls. I had booked a babysitter and went to a mums night out. When I confronted him about it he said "what I am I supposed to do". That's exactly the same thing he said about the paintings on his walls.
Dilly - I am not interpreting his behavior when I say he lies about when he is at work and when he is not. He is not at work all the times he says he is (otherwise he is literally either looking after the children or he is flying a plane. There is no room in the schedule for anything else) and he often gets his stories mixed up (like today when the schedule says "drop girls off at 3 (working)" and then he said this morning that he would drop them off at 5 and then go see his dad. I am not worried about what he is or is not doing when he is not with me. But each time he puts "away" on his schedule when he is not away, he makes a conscious decision to lie to me. I could hazard a guess as to why he lies (he wants to protect his non-family 'life', he doesn't want to hurt me, he is seeing a mate of his I do not like, he wants time away from the responsibility of children to sit on his @rse and watch TV). It doesn't matter. It is a lie. And I would rather he tell me nothing then lie to me.
I went out to dinner with some colleagues last night. We went to a pan asian restaurant near work that I have been wanting to try. There was only three of us. One of them, a woman, is in the middle of a divorce. She kicked him out in December and she is just waiting for the paperwork to go through. It was interesting listening to it from the other side "I had had enough", "I tried for two years", "He just wanted to sit around and do nothing", "life is too short to be unhappy". She had had a bit of an EA with a co-worker which came to nothing in the end. He fed her ego, made her feel attractive and wanted, but it came to nothing. BTW - the co-worker is a [censored] who saw her as easy prey. The other colleague who was with us is miserable in his marriage. It was strange watching my two friends feed each other's unhappiness.
***
My interactions with H continue to flow lightly and be easy. There is rarely any awkwardness now. He smiles when he sees me. I smile when I see him. We smile when we say goodbye and say "see you later" or "see you in a bit". Normal stuff without any weight.
TBH - I would say our communication is better than the 6-9 months before BD. He listens to me instead of talking over me, he asks my opinion on things. We talk like two people who get on.
When we are living in the present then everything seems fine. Then something is said and we remember that we have split up. He starts to talk about a future without me (holidays he has planned with the girls, holidays I have planned with the girls). This morning he asked me what I planned to do with the house. It was a natural progression from a conversation about some boxes of toys that have been in the garage a while that he wants to take to charity because it's taking up too much room. Caught off guard (he has never asked before) I said "Sell it" as cant afford to continue to pay the mortgage on my own. He went quiet for a while and then we changed to lighter topics - D12's next counselling appointment.
This afternoon he was at the house. I am WFH so asked if I could join D9 and him for breakfast. After breakfast D9 asked if she could come home with me. We agreed that was fine and he said he would drop by after lunch to take her bike riding and to walk our dog and then pick up D12 from school. Before he left to go back to the flat I told him he could stay here sunday night (he lands after midnight) as he has D9 monday morning and it would save me waking her up and driving her over to his flat on my way to work. It would also mean he can stay in bed Monday morning (D9 will probably crawl into bed with him after I leave). It was asked in the moment. And he did not pull back or react negatively. He said thanks, that's a good idea and we could confirm Sunday afternoon (if the flight is on time then he will go back to his, if it isn't then he will stay here).
I don't know what any of it means. It could be he thinks I am moving on and no longer feels pressure to be guarded, it could be that he is responding in kind to the kindness, it could be he is being a manipulative [censored] and hoping to keep me in my place as long as possible, not because I am plan B, but our current arrangement suits him better than if we were to formally separate or it could be that the fog is lifting and he is realising that he misses 'us'. I don't know. Any and all of those things could be true.
Hi FS. I am glad you met the British DV6...lol. I hope you become good friends. RE: your H lying to you and why he continues to do it if you are done. I suspect it is a combination of wanting to avoid any possibility of a conflict and also not to cause you anymore pain than he already has. My STBXH tells me very little and likely lies when he does tell me anything. Despite evidence to the contrary, I really believe that he honestly does not want to hurt me anymore so he just doesn’t risk it. I also think he doesn’t want me to think any less of him than I already do and he is also highly avoidant of conflict or the possibility of it. I think this is likely a common denominator amongst the bomb droppers.
I think your vacation plans sound amazing!!! Looking forward to hearing all about it when you are back. (((HUGS)))
FS: I was listening to a podcast recently where someone was told 6 things to stop doing to have a happier life. One of them was to stop overthinking. I think that's something you and I are both prone to. Quite how to stop overthinking I'm not sure, but maybe going with the flow, enjoying the present with our spouses and not pondering the future too much would be good for both of us. That said, I'm just about to post on my thread about wanting to move house, which makes me a total hypocrite
I'm an overthinker too. When I do it, it's generally because I am feeling anxious and insecure and trying to control the outcome of a situation. I am cogitating what I need to do or how I need to behave to get the 'best' outcome for me and the people I care about. Makes me sound like a megalomaniac, but it comes from anxiety, most of the time.
DV - I agree my H keeps things private partly because he doesn't want to hurt me. I would throw in the following though ... I do not tell him what I am doing either. Because when he left he wanted to lock me out and I wanted to detach. And now it is habit. A good example is instigram. We both have private accounts. I opened mine a few months after he MO, and he opened his around Nov last year. He didn't tell anyone. Earlier this year he added D12, then D9 and then his mum, brother and his sister. One night I sneaked a peak via D9's account. There is nothing there - just photos of sunsets, sunrises and pics of the children. I have an instigram account too ... he is not on mine either. Mine has photos of sunsets, sunrises and pics of the children. Habit.
Dilly/Alison - I appreciate your thoughts.
Funny, I said the same thing to Davide on his thread (though slightly more tongue in cheek), and his response, which I think goes for me too, with went something along the lines of ...
This is where I reflect, where i sort my thoughts and separate the emotional from the rational. IRL I hardly ever mention my sitch. I just live it. I make decisions with little thought of the impact on my H. And mostly my life is pretty good. But when the day is done, and my children are in bed or with my H, or in the early mornings, alone with my coffee, I allow the thoughts to come and I write them here. It helps me to understand.
The spices are a good example. I opened his cupboard, saw the spices, felt the sting, and then pushed it away, read to analyse later. I made my coffee, smiled and then chatted to H and D9 about their plans for the day. It was an emotional response to something mundane. Rationally I know that it means nothing other than he is trying to cook.
I found an old thread by Mozzi titled to "Be Kind or Not to be Kind" which had some good debate about whether or not to be kind to our spouses. This is something I have been grappling with lately. If we are to move forward (whatever that may be) I know one of us has to let the other in, even if just a little. There are times when I can see he tries, and I bat it straight back by giving closed responses and being dismissive or aloof. I have always stuck to the script: keep conversations short and business like, don't give too much away "I have plans", "I am out that night", "I stopped and met a friend".
I know that this is something that needs to change in me. A 180 I can implement now that I am stronger. But the fear of being hurt is still there.
GAL I've had a really nice weekend with the kids. Went shopping then took them to see the Avengers End Game yesterday and we all really enjoyed it. I missed two key parts because I had to step out twice (once to get popcorn and once to take D9 to the toilet) which kind of s*cks but I guess that's the price of being a mum. We then tried out a new Chinese restaurant for dinner. Today has been more chill out. We stayed in apart from running errands.
Overall, and apart from going out with friends, GAL has dropped a lot lately and I need to re-start some.
1. Yoga - do more at home and try and attend 5 classes a week 2. Painting - haven't picked up a paint brush all year so at least one evening a week I need to paint 3. Reading - Read one book a week 4. Watch less TV 5. Do a 'home' clean up project each week (e.g. sort and throw out to small clothes from D9, sort through the linen cupboard).
180 I am going to start a daily to do list of all the things I need to get done. I concentrate too much on work and have let my life admin slip.
Lovingly detach Pretty good with detaching but need to work harder on the 'lovingly' bit.
What I took from Mozzi's thread is it is OK to flirt a little but do it like you would someone you had met and were interested in ... because when you meet them there is no expectation - it is just a bit of fun. If you have expectation, then you have to stay in the plain old 'detaching' phase. Flirting might be a bit much for where we are at ... but I could start with taking an interest in his day to day over and above the children.
I think it's never, ever a bad idea to be kind. And never a bad idea to accept that in a particular time or place or towards a particular person, we can't quite manage it. I don't think I will ever have it in me to be kind to my father, so I just don't see him. When I try to be kind to H it is because I want to extract some love or affection from him, so it isn't really kindness. If I could be properly kind though, I think it would be the right thing to do.
I like it too. It’s interesting to think about incorporating other things in with/after the detaching and I feel like it makes sense for where you are in your situation. It seems like a natural progression. I’ll be curious to see the results...
