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#2846846 04/25/19 08:48 PM
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Here is my story, and any advice or help is greatly appreciated.

M: 13
R: 15
S13
S:9
Me: 36
W: 35

Back in 2018, W started to get distant, told her we needed more time together (she works 3rds, me 1st) started blowing off "date nights". Went on trip with BF and her daughters to Virginia for a cheer comp. Took 2 days to even call me or the kids. Needless to say I was pissed off. She came back and the distance kept growing. Fathers day '18 i get not even a happy father's day for kids. I took my ring off and she goes I havent been happy for a long time. Fast forward 2 weeks and we are separating. She says she is staying with her cousin and BF. I started getting suspicious, messaged both BF and cousin, have no idea what im talking about.
A week later, I find out their is OM and she is living with him. Here is the kick in the nuts: she would spend the night there, and come home to watch kids in the home while I went to work.

2nd A, 3 separation. I finally initialized divorce. Took about a week to figure out where she was living. Had divorce papers served by court appt rep at the new apartment (when I say it was a [censored] whole....wow!!!). Went for full custody as I didnt know if she was back on her drugs. Fired from medical field for forging fake Rxs for herself. Full blown withdraw seizures and everything. Detox 3 days and no counseling (while the distance was growing paid for her attoney to keep her out of jail b4 I found out there was an A). Currently on probation and should be off end of June. I was awarded temp custody and child support. Kids live with me.

Final court date was supposed to be in March, but we could agree on parenting or child support so it has been put on 90 day hold. She came to discuss the issue and after about 9 months I let go of the hurt feelings I had. I just discovered this site and the 37 rules recently, but put many of them in place during those 9 months. Im assuming what she did was an exit affair if that sounds correct?

Now here is my issue: we are attempting a reconciliation during the 90 days stay on the divorce to see if it is possible. Unfortunately, i dont believe it is as she said the famous ILYBINILWY line and told me that she wasnt attracted to me anymore. Not really an issue as she brought an std back to the marriage (which I have been checked b4 R and have not been physical with her since). After that bit of info, I let go of the rope as i no longer feel i can even try with someone that is not even physically attracted to me. I may not have been perfect H but I treated her great (BF even told me I was to good for her and she will never find another like me).

A month after Dday, i set up GAL's: started working out, running, lost 50 lbs and completed my first 5k in under 30 min beginning of this month. I am at the point that I am more focused on myself and my kids than wanting to try and make this work. I did try to be the lovey H at first, but I decided that I needed to take back my balls from her and be the man I used to be. Reconnecting with new and old friends, met a few new female "friends" which might turn into more once divorce is over.

What I am wondering is how to break the news to her that I am going through with the divorce without making a big scene? Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated. thanks

lurch05 #2846849 04/25/19 08:57 PM
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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
lurch05 #2846854 04/25/19 09:33 PM
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I read the posts from sandi2, that is why I felt comfortable enough to post this. She is really insightful and spot on. Im turning a buddy on to this as his did the exact same thing with him

lurch05 #2846860 04/25/19 10:49 PM
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Well I think this may be the first request from a first time poster on how to precede with a divorce.

Wife I have thought really hard about it and have decided that i want to proceed with the divorce process.

Just know that if you make this statement and are only doing it for a reaction and have to rescind it later because you really don’t want it, this will make you look weak and even less attractive to her.

I would think this through. Something is not adding up.

lurch05 #2846865 04/26/19 12:02 AM
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It sounds like the ILYBNILWY and telling you she isn't attracted to you is stinging so you're cutting bait and running. Lurch, here is the deal...... We've all heard that. Everyone of the LBSs that posts here has heard that. Those that have successfully reconciled, and those that have not. We've all heard those things.

As you generally an impatient person? Are you impulsive? It feels like you are. Here's the deal, WAWs lose attraction AFTER they've lost respect. You have to regain her respect, then attraction will follow. For women attraction is not about physical looks. So working out, running 5ks won't hurt, but without rebuilding respect it won't fix things.

And this takes a LONG time. A lot longer than 90 days in most cases. Heck, I turned my sitch around in record time but it still took 90 days, and that is very a typical. You can't turn around in 3 months what took years to get into.

If you really want a D then don't tell her anything. Just talk to your lawyer and move it forward. If there is even a small part of you that wants to save things, then put in the time, energy and effort to give it a real chance. Earn your way out of this marriage. You don't mention anything about IC. Without it you likely won't deal with any unresolved feelings and emotions. Which means your next relationship is doomed to repeat this pattern. Do the work. Earn your way out. Be able to look your kids in the eyes in 10 years and say you did everything you could to stay with their mother.... And be able to say that honestly with integrity.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
lurch05 #2846956 04/26/19 02:52 PM
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IC I have not, we are in MC but she never shares anything with the counselor. We were able to figure out through myself, a mutual BF, and her IC (court ordered) that this is also a MLC thanks to statements such as "im lost and dont know who I am anymore" and "I just dont know where I wanna go in life". The fact that she told me she views me like she does her 2 BF is what killed any attraction I had toward her.

Also, during our marriage counseling (i had already figured this part out) she thinks that the loving feelings she lost could be found with someone else. I asked her to describe the feeling in MC, and what she described was Limerance/infatuation. She never seen what real love looks like even from being very young.

lurch05 #2846958 04/26/19 02:58 PM
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Additionally, due to trust being broken with 1st affair, then drug addiction, and now this latest affair where she left for another man and moved in with him, I don't think I could ever trust her again.

The fact that it was with a person at her work (found out 2 others during our seperation period as well) and one is one of her supervisors and she is unwilling to change jobs or even departments on top of the fact that she still has all 3 as "friends" on Facebook which I have told her those need to be removed and blocked (i did a few of the females I was talking to) and she still gets messages from them but deletes all messages b4 I can ask to see them.....am I wrong in thinking that she is keeping me as a backup.

lurch05 #2846959 04/26/19 03:05 PM
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Im not an inpatient person by nature, but the thing that is messing with me the most......with her std what point is there in trying when neither of us think this really has any shot at getting to true R. Should I risk my health that I've worked so hard at improving and finally getting my confidence back, just for her to say after she figures out what she wants that it isnt this still (assuming she has come out the other side of her MLC) and now being stuck with something I cant get rid of for the rest of my life?

lurch05 #2846961 04/26/19 03:09 PM
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Hells to the no!!!!!!!!!

lurch05 #2846963 04/26/19 03:18 PM
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On IC for myself I have not. I am part of the beyond affairs network and attending meetings, as well as the healing from affairs groups. I have also had plenty of time to think of what I want from myself and any future relationship (with Spouse or not), and I dont honestly see my wife getting anywhere near that point....ever. She is content with just having a job, never setting goals (still) and just living day by day, and watching mindless drivel on TV in her free time instead of spending it reflecting on everything (plus no apology as of yet).

lurch05 #2846979 04/26/19 05:16 PM
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LH19, I'm exactly at that point as well.

One thing that is bothering me though......why is it if we do 50/50 shared parenting and the kids live with me (she works 3rds so they are with me every overnight except for every other Friday and Saturday) why do I have to pay her child support? We were all set to finish the divorce back in Feb. and we agreed on no child support but Judge looks at 50/50 split and says to W that you would get about 800/month. She sees that and completely freezes. Tells me that this will drastically improve HER financial Situation.....not the kids....HERS.

Needless to say my lawyer seen how mad I was about to get and called a recess.

lurch05 #2846981 04/26/19 05:24 PM
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Even with 50/50 if you make more than her you will likely have to pay her CS. I could be wrong, but I don't think most courts are going to rubber stamp a D where the Exes agree to no support. The courts do what they think is in the best interest of the kids.


H(37) W(35)
D8, D5, S3
T20, M13
BD 8/31/18
EA Discovered 9/13/18
Mediation 10/3/18
W files for D 10/12/18
W moves out 11/10/18
EA confirmed 12/25/18
D Final 1/10/19
lurch05 #2846990 04/26/19 06:06 PM
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I get that.

Here is my issue, the court used her wages when she was only part time. W2 statement had her at 15000. Now that she is full time it will put her closer to 30000. I am only at 50gs, and I pay for everything for the kids, she hasnt contributed to the household in years.

One of the other benefits of putting the divorce on hold....ohio recently updated their child support calculations. Since I have them more than 90% of overnights, I carry insurance, and pay for all meals (i dont go in till 9am so I get them up, dressed, breakfast, pack lunch for school, etc n dinner when I get off work) the new tables state that I could see 50% reduction on just the over nights alone.

This was a main issue in trying to reconcile, as I would have had to fork over an entire check to her every month even though like I said I pay for everything. She only has them when there is no school and from 3-7 pm during the week.

lurch05 #2846992 04/26/19 06:12 PM
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Having said this though, I am now at the point where it doesnt matter to me anymore. If this is the price I end up paying, for my own mental health and overall well being, it is something I am prepared for.

lurch05 #2846995 04/26/19 06:14 PM
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Lurch, I am seeing a lot of red flags here. It seems you were ready to D, then found out that it was going to cost you $800/month, and then you were willing to try to R.

Then you met someone new and then flip-flopped back to wanting to D, but are trying to do it in a way you can get out of support. Look, the system is rigged against men. Always has been, likely always will be. You can agreed to 50/50 custody, view the $800/month as a "stupid" tax for marrying poorly, and moving on.

Look D is always a choice for the LBS. No one would blame you when a WAS is unfaithful especially, to just say forget it, I don't want to be married to a cheater. But understand that even that choice has consequences. The break up of a marriage is NEVER EVER pain free.

So this is why I asked if you were impatient, or impulsive. As someone that has gone on to R with his W, I can tell you that it isn't easy. It is hard work. We all know how devastating D can be on both spouses, on finances, and most of all on the kids. So no matter what you do it will be difficult and painful, and take years to heal from it.

Anyway, these are my observations.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
lurch05 #2846996 04/26/19 06:18 PM
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P.S. I am reposting this since you seemed to gloss over it:

Quote
If you really want a D then don't tell her anything. Just talk to your lawyer and move it forward. If there is even a small part of you that wants to save things, then put in the time, energy and effort to give it a real chance. Earn your way out of this marriage. You don't mention anything about IC. Without it you likely won't deal with any unresolved feelings and emotions. Which means your next relationship is doomed to repeat this pattern. Do the work. Earn your way out. Be able to look your kids in the eyes in 10 years and say you did everything you could to stay with their mother.... And be able to say that honestly with integrity.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
lurch05 #2847000 04/26/19 06:38 PM
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I guess its not coming across in writing. I agree with you on the pain, unfortunately I had to go through it quite quickly as she left the kids with me and had to be strong for them. I did meet someone new, but it never got serious as I started noticing red flags (similar to what I was blinded to with W) that I broke it off before anything serious. W must have found out as she sent text stating she was jealous. Part of it for her was the fact that she didnt like seeing me moving on. After that she started being much nicer and even friendly towards me. This is what made me think R might be possible.

Its a combination of everything, multiple affairs, lying, the not wanting to truely get to the cause of any of our issues, the lack of remorse (at least from what I can see), my new found confidence, the fact that staying with her might mean catching an STD ( and an overall lackluster sex life even before this), her past drug issues, still staying in contact with affair partners, etc....and the fact that we went through all this 5 years ago and havent made any inroads into any issues or problems since the last time she came back......i just dont have it in me to put in another 1-2 years waiting for her to figure herself out, then another 2+ trying to fix a broken marraige (she wants to do the 1st part before working on M). Part of me was holding out hope for a set expectation/outcome. Once I let that part go, all the anxiety and weight seemed to melt away and I havent been at peace this much since high school when I did Tia Chi and meditation (which I recently started doing again)

LOL on the stupid tax, cuz thats what me and my buddy called it as well. Was just lookin for input on this as I know that no getting around this part to see if anyone else was able to reduce theirs. Like I said Im at the point right now that it isnt that big of a deal to me anymore. When it originally came up (mind you she is currently paying me 43/wk under temp orders) it freaked me out and I was in shock. I have since redone my budget and can still be semi comfortable even paying that amount (which will likely be lower anyway).

lurch05 #2847002 04/26/19 06:49 PM
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Quote
Reconnecting with new and old friends, met a few new female "friends" which might turn into more once divorce is over.


This is what I meant with my comment on you having met someone.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
lurch05 #2847004 04/26/19 06:58 PM
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yeah sorry I forgot to include that it didnt last long, was over a few months ago (doing this from work and not wanting to have people see what Im writing lol)

lurch05 #2847005 04/26/19 07:03 PM
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But i have been meeting new people. In the past I always felt guilty talking to other women (even just as friends) as W is super jealous person. In past accused me of cheating on co worker when it was nothing but work ( i was on call at my last job 24/7)

lurch05 #2847019 04/26/19 08:55 PM
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I have seen the 37 rules post......is there a thread for rules for R in case i am missing an important piece of my puzzle and overthinking everything?

Where I am at right now is not coming from a place of pain, but clarity in thinking. However, I dont like leaving things broken (im a fixer by nature: home, cars, machines, etc. Relationships are one that always puzzled me). I always treat my girlfriends with utmost respect and caring, but I always seem to end up in the nice guy role and end up getting [censored] on. Lately, I have been standing up for myself and not letting people get away with nothing whether it be in MR (or whatever you want to call it) work, or sports. I am holding myself to a higher standard than at any other point in my life and I gotta say it feels incredible.

lurch05 #2847254 04/29/19 01:52 PM
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Had counseling today, needless to say she was not a happy camper. Counselor was asking her about the grudges she had towards me and if she was able to get over those. She said she didnt know. IC asked her what kinda relationship if any would we have if she wasnt able to let go/get over those....she said none probably. When IC asked me where I was at in all this I stated: as of right now, i see nothing that indicates that I should move forward with the divorce. She kinda gave me this look and said I cant believe you actually said it out loud.

lurch05 #2847255 04/29/19 01:54 PM
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I asked her, based on everything and what we are doing, can you see this moving towards anything that would resemble a happy marrriage?
W: not reall, but why am I just now hearing about it?
M: I said it in counseling so you wouldnt flood and blow up
W: that was smart

lurch05 #2847268 04/29/19 02:34 PM
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Originally Posted by lurch05
I asked her, based on everything and what we are doing, can you see this moving towards anything that would resemble a happy marrriage?
W: not reall, but why am I just now hearing about it?
M: I said it in counseling so you wouldnt flood and blow up
W: that was smart


Why would you ask her that? What did you expect her answer to be? You see, believe NOTHING she says means don't ask her questions, because the answer will either be her CURRENT truth (based on her WAS fog), or it could be a lie to placate you. Either way it isn't going to be what you want to hear. And if it is you can't trust it.

How is GAL going?


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
lurch05 #2847287 04/29/19 03:36 PM
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great. Finsihed cleaning my garage and organizing my tools, took kids to see new Avengers movie, and started a sand volleyball team on Sunday, plus subbing for softball during the summer. Still hitting the gym, putting more weight on, but it more muscle as I've had to increase my weights.

Based on her body language, I think she already knew what I was gonna say as she just kinda took it in and didnt really seem that shocked by my answer to the IC question. The WAW fog has been gone for about ruffly 6 months or so as that is when she stopped seeing the OM(kid 24 yrs old) once she realized he really didnt want anything to do with our kids.

Sorry, that should read: why shouldn't I continue moving forward with the divorce (6-19-19 is next court date). In counseling she tried to argue about I took her kids away (since I have temp custody, but nothing else has changed) and said that she was gonna tell the judge she didnt need 800/month in child support. I was like well where was that at when we were going through the process?
W: you really think I would take all 800, when I would only need and tell the judge 4-500?
M: since I still dont trust anything you do or say, I'm not about to start now, esp since you had the opportunity in court to tell the judge that and didnt. Actions speak louder than words.

Either way, she now knows that I see no (happy) marriage here and will be proceeding with the divorce, unless a miracle happens in the next 50 sum odd days.

lurch05 #2847297 04/29/19 03:58 PM
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Moving forward with the D is completely up to you. It is in your power to do so. However, do you want a D? If not, why would you push it forward if you don't want it? If she wants it, she'll push it forward. If you are doing it because you think it will give you some time of relief from pain, I think you are sorely mistaken. Instead of being in limbo and miserable, you'll be D'd and miserable.

I tell LBSs all the time, earn your way out of your marriage. Be able to look back in 10-15-20 years from now, look your kids in the eyes, and tell them honestly and with integrity that you did everything in your power to save your MR. Trust me, that will be a better story than "I gave up."


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
lurch05 #2847304 04/29/19 04:16 PM
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Working on R is hard enough. Working on R with a drug addict is beyond difficult. Your W sounds somewhat like mine. I'll have to come back and look through your sitch more thoroughly when I have time. Good luck, man. Keep your head up and be the best dad you can be for your kids...


Me: 38
W:31
Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4
M: 10 years
T:12 years
BD:Jan 3, 2018
W moved out: Apr 13,2018
Filed for D: Jun 2018
D final: Sep 2019

"Surrender to the Flow"...
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When she says she just looks at me like a friend with no attraction or loving feelings and doesnt think they will return, kinda killed it for me. We tried this whole process about 5 years ago, but it just keeps coming back to the same thing. I put a lot into the marriage after that, forgave her and trusted her, and she did it again. Even after the whole drug addiction (which she still says was under control.....big red flag) I still loved her and did everything to get her help. Was I hard, yes, but I have plenty of family that were addicted b4 and if you are not hard, they dont get clean. I dont have it in me to go through this whole process yet again, esp when she says she would rather work on just herself and figure out who she is, and what she wants, and then work on us if that is what she decides.

So we have multiple affairs, drug addictions, lying (big and small), MLC, and now an STD and top of everything else.

lurch05 #2847318 04/29/19 05:06 PM
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Steve85

Tried that 5 or so years ago, made changes to myself (some were harder than others), helped out more around the house, we talked more, but she lost the infatuation feelings and has been chasing those ever since. This is not just me saying that, but our MC, both of her BF's, and her IC (court appointed due to probation) as well. If she knew what love actually was, or looked like and not just the Hollywood version, then there might be a chance. As it stands right now, it would take a miracle from GOD to show her what she is losing. Even after I told her I wanted to proceed with the divorce, she had this I dont care body language. My view on marriage/relationships are completely opposite of what hers are at the moment from the conversations we have had.

lurch05 #2847336 04/29/19 06:19 PM
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Originally Posted by lurch05
When she says she just looks at me like a friend with no attraction or loving feelings and doesnt think they will return, kinda killed it for me. We tried this whole process about 5 years ago, but it just keeps coming back to the same thing. I put a lot into the marriage after that, forgave her and trusted her, and she did it again. Even after the whole drug addiction (which she still says was under control.....big red flag) I still loved her and did everything to get her help. Was I hard, yes, but I have plenty of family that were addicted b4 and if you are not hard, they dont get clean. I dont have it in me to go through this whole process yet again, esp when she says she would rather work on just herself and figure out who she is, and what she wants, and then work on us if that is what she decides.

So we have multiple affairs, drug addictions, lying (big and small), MLC, and now an STD and top of everything else.

Yeah, I don't blame you one bit for wanting to move on. Like Steve said though, make sure you've given it all you have (and it sounds like you have). That's what I did in my sitch. I don't believe in divorce and did everything I could to try to make it work. Yet here I am, in the process of getting a divorce. Like I said earlier, when drugs are involved, it's a whole different animal. My W is addicted to prescription pain killers. We separated for about 7 months back in 2013 and then tried to reconcile. She went to rehab and it looked like things were getting better, but looking back, her fantasy fell through and I was just a back up plan. Wash, rinse, repeat. A few years later it was the same song and dance. I heard the same things you were hearing. I want to work on myself and figure out what i want and then we can work on us. That just translated into I'm moving out to get high and bang other dudes while you stay here and take care of the kids by yourself until my fantasy falls apart and I come back like I did last time. W also had the same characteristics of not having any goals, watching TV all the time, and the whole ILYBINILWY thing going on. And I agree, she has no idea what love really is. But I think that's how most addicts are. Constantly chasing a high, and if the butterflies and excitement aren't there then you aren't in love. Move onto the next dude that can temporarily give them to you. Just make sure D is what you really want, because once you pull the trigger, there's no going back. I can tell you that I'm the happiest I've been in years. But I also don't want to be the guy on the divorce busting boards promoting divorce. I 100% support putting in the work to make things work. But at the same time I realized that sometimes things get so broke that you can't fix them. Hang in there...

Here's my most recent thread in case you're interested. Fair warning, it's a $hitshow, but so much better now. Lol...

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=61532&Number=2847332#Post2847332


Me: 38
W:31
Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4
M: 10 years
T:12 years
BD:Jan 3, 2018
W moved out: Apr 13,2018
Filed for D: Jun 2018
D final: Sep 2019

"Surrender to the Flow"...
lurch05 #2847337 04/29/19 06:30 PM
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Thanks, and I agree even after what we went through 5 years ago, then drugs, I never was the divorce person either, but sometimes you just have to throw in the towel and realize you cant change a person's nature, only they can.

One of the groups I belong to has a good quote I've been tossing around in the ol noodle:
you can't control or change your spouse, you can only control and change yourself. Time to focus on me and the kids for awhile, drama free (as low as I can possibly get that lol).

lurch05 #2847344 04/29/19 07:07 PM
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Originally Posted by lurch05

you can't control or change your spouse, you can only control and change yourself. Time to focus on me and the kids for awhile, drama free (as low as I can possibly get that lol).


This is exactly where you need to be...


Me: 38
W:31
Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4
M: 10 years
T:12 years
BD:Jan 3, 2018
W moved out: Apr 13,2018
Filed for D: Jun 2018
D final: Sep 2019

"Surrender to the Flow"...
lurch05 #2847375 04/29/19 09:14 PM
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Thanks mtb. I have done the hard reflecting on myself and changed some of my short comings....still working on a few but progress is progress.....over the last yr. She wants even more time which she hasnt even begun to do (and makes excuses why she cant now) to make those reflections. I told her you had almost a year (since her exit affair only lasted 2 months), you should have done it then instead of going out and "doing me and having fun"...we all know what that means.

lurch05 #2847439 04/30/19 01:23 PM
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ok so last night once i got home was weird and looking to see if anyone had anything similar happen.

We didnt speak much to each other, other than pleasantries, and kid stuff. Ate dinner. She started getting ready for work. She calls me in to the bathroom to use the massager (shower head) on her lower back. OK, not a big deal, then she calls me back in to put icy hot on while she is still naked (weird?). She gets dressed and in middle of putting makeup on she calls in yet again and says we should prolly sit down Saturday and talk...well yeah we should. So I go to gym at same time she leaves for work and this is where it got weirder.....she pauses for a sec waiting for her goodbye kiss. Uh, wait what????
W: what your not gonna kiss me?
M: after what I told you earlier you still want a kiss? (with a completely dumb founded look on my face)
W: ok fine, if you dont want to kiss me, I dont want one anymore.

Anyone help me with this?

lurch05 #2847449 04/30/19 02:14 PM
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Breadcrumbs, dude. Believe nothing she says and only half of what she does. She's just trying to maintain control and keep you attached. Think nothing of it and keep DB'ing...


Me: 38
W:31
Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4
M: 10 years
T:12 years
BD:Jan 3, 2018
W moved out: Apr 13,2018
Filed for D: Jun 2018
D final: Sep 2019

"Surrender to the Flow"...
lurch05 #2847450 04/30/19 02:19 PM
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Thats what I was figuring as well. I dont think she like losing the control aspect and she will start to realize this is what I want now and there isnt nothing she can do to stop the process.

lurch05 #2847457 04/30/19 02:28 PM
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Just wait for the proverbial poo to hit the fan when she realizing you're not willing to play her game. They don't like it when you don't follow their rules. Just focus on what's best for you and your kids. If she wants to straighten up and join you on the journey, she will. Until then she's no concern of yours. Just do what's right and be the type of person only a fool would leave. Even if you decide you don't want to be with her, you can't go wrong living your life that way...


Me: 38
W:31
Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4
M: 10 years
T:12 years
BD:Jan 3, 2018
W moved out: Apr 13,2018
Filed for D: Jun 2018
D final: Sep 2019

"Surrender to the Flow"...
lurch05 #2847459 04/30/19 02:42 PM
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MTB, what I have basically been doing this last year.

lurch05 #2847460 04/30/19 02:43 PM
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Kinda reminds me of the movie 40 days and 40 nights where guy swears off sex and it drives every woman completely mad that he now holds the power lol

lurch05 #2850883 05/28/19 10:09 PM
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Inevitable happened....I backslid. Found out day I told her I still wanted divorce, she already had someone in waiting she moved out of "friend zone". Found out through FB as she never came home one night, apparently she posted she was in Dayton with new bf. New bf after a week of talking and 2 dates? Wtf kinda person does that? Since then I have also lost my job and struggling to find a new 1. I have 2 options ATM....take a huge paycut of look for employment in other cities n miss out in my kids lives as she would never let them leave the area.

Additionally, I have had to start documenting her coming and going again as she seems to think that since I'm not working she can up n leave anytime she wants to go to lunch, dinner, or dates with the new guy. Last night for example....got a text at 5pm saying I'm not coming home tonight n I'll b back around 2pm tomorrow. Pissed me off something fierce....I am not a damn babysitter.


She had to get some medicine for her inner ear infections, n was not to happy that I informed kids of where she was gonna b....forgot to mention that she kept putting off telling kids what was going on. It was my weekend without them so I went n stayed with a friend Saturday. Came home Sunday n found out she told them everything....what was going on, who she was talking on the phone with all the time, she would b moving out, everything.

So when she came home she wasn't to happy that I told the kids where she was staying n I had no right to do that... apparently she expects me to lie to them n that's ok.

I don't know y this time seems harder than last time, prolly cuz I don't have e work to distract me n I'm home with my thoughts. My cars motor is fixed n everything around house is done. 0 motivation to get back to gym last week, gonna try this week.

I did kinda meet someone who seems to care about me, but it's not fair to her u til I can let my stbxw go.

Any thoughts?

lurch05 #2850886 05/28/19 10:31 PM
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I have had to start documenting... do that and put your kids first.

lurch05 #2850913 05/29/19 12:13 PM
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Originally Posted by lurch05
Inevitable happened....I backslid. Found out day I told her I still wanted divorce, she already had someone in waiting she moved out of "friend zone". Found out through FB as she never came home one night, apparently she posted she was in Dayton with new bf. New bf after a week of talking and 2 dates? Wtf kinda person does that? Since then I have also lost my job and struggling to find a new 1. I have 2 options ATM....take a huge paycut of look for employment in other cities n miss out in my kids lives as she would never let them leave the area.

Additionally, I have had to start documenting her coming and going again as she seems to think that since I'm not working she can up n leave anytime she wants to go to lunch, dinner, or dates with the new guy. Last night for example....got a text at 5pm saying I'm not coming home tonight n I'll b back around 2pm tomorrow. Pissed me off something fierce....I am not a damn babysitter.


She had to get some medicine for her inner ear infections, n was not to happy that I informed kids of where she was gonna b....forgot to mention that she kept putting off telling kids what was going on. It was my weekend without them so I went n stayed with a friend Saturday. Came home Sunday n found out she told them everything....what was going on, who she was talking on the phone with all the time, she would b moving out, everything.

So when she came home she wasn't to happy that I told the kids where she was staying n I had no right to do that... apparently she expects me to lie to them n that's ok.

I don't know y this time seems harder than last time, prolly cuz I don't have e work to distract me n I'm home with my thoughts. My cars motor is fixed n everything around house is done. 0 motivation to get back to gym last week, gonna try this week.

I did kinda meet someone who seems to care about me, but it's not fair to her u til I can let my stbxw go.

Any thoughts?



Your wife is right about one thing. You should not have told the kids. Never put your kids in the middle of things. I know you were probably upset and thought telling them was a good idea for a myriad of reasons. 1) you don't want to lie 2) you think she deserves it 3) maybe them knowing the truth will snap her out of it 4) because revenge is sweet.

But here it the thing. Forget her. it isn't fair to the kids. Kids should worry about kids things. Adults adult things. We should never let our adult garbage affect the kids. We should shield them from adult things as much as possible. Is there mom and dirty stinking no good cheating whore? Yep. But they don't need to know that. So keep these adult issues away from the kids.

"Where is mom?"
"She is away for the night."
"Will she be back tomorrow?"
"She should be, but she will let us know for sure tomorrow."

PROTECT THEM FROM THIS CRAZINESS.

As far as work, take the pay cut and keep looking. It is easier to find a job when you have a job. So take the lower paying job but view it is a temporary while you continue to look for something that pays closer to what you were getting paid. You're right, right now is not the time to consider a move.

Last edited by Steve85; 05/29/19 12:14 PM.

M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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