IHC, I can agree with much of what you wrote. Yes societal pressures have turned gender roles on their head. No doubt about it. Whether it is PC to say or not, feminism in its purest form is ANTI gender roles. However, I do not think going back to when women couldn't vote is correct either. Nor going back to when it was impossible for women to make it in the workplace. I think there can be a happy medium.
But I will lay some blame on we, the men's feet, too. For instance, let's take your situation. You've admitted you can't afford the house by yourself. That you need your wife to work too. You have a 1 year-old. 50 years ago you would have lived within your means, as a SIKs family, your W would have stayed home to raise your D. That is very rare these days. But guess what. It can be done, because my W and I did it. In 2004 we decided to make it so she could stay home with our new baby girl. We got rid of cellphones. We cut back to basic cable. I sold my sweet 2002 F250 and started driving a 1993 Taurus that was paid for. We refinanced the house from the 14 years it had left on a 15 year mortgage back to a 30 year traditional mortgage. We gave up eating out except a couple of times a month, I packed my lunch to work, we didn't take expensive vacations. Over time we were able to add some of those things back I my income grew, but the point is that people CAN make it today as SIKs, if they give up keeping up with the Joneses. If they make a stand against daycare as a way to raise their kids. If they get their priorities in the right place.
And you site the 70% D started by women. But not all of them are because their Hs were great, or made small mistakes, and grew unhappy. I'd say at least half of that 70% is because the H stepped out of the marriage and had an affair. I would put the figure at women just growing unhappy and giving up on their marriages at, and I think this is a liberal number, at 35%. Yes it happens. But you could look at the other half of those sitches and say it was the man that grew unhappy and couldn't keep it in his pants.
The termination of marriages has grown in our society for a myriad of reasons. Feminism is part of it, but I would put good old fashioned selfishness and greed at the heart of it. And selfishness and greed are genderless conditions.
You continue to avoid the IC question. Are you in IC?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I can say confidently that my W's goal of having 3 kids close in age and a satisfying career and living a comfortable lifestyle with a nice home and cars and vacations has put IMMENSE pressure on our MR. Add in a disruptive move, approaching age 40, my inability in my career to work PT... plus a sprinkling of really poor couples communication skills... it was a recipe for disaster.
That's not to brush off my contributions to the deterioration of our marriage. But the accumulation of those factors, and both of us (IMO) having maladaptive coping strategies to all these life changes -- that is the reason for our MR failure. My W has her own narrative and that's okay. We can point to each other's flaws and assign blame - I tend to look at it as a joint failure. It's disappointing and sad but it is what it is.
Is this Feminism at work? I don't know. I can't speak for my W. She clearly envisions a better life without me as her H.
Question about a strange phenomenon? Has anyone ever gotten to a point in their sich where somedays, their spouses voice sounds unfamiliar to them? Like they sound different, not like themselves, or as we remembered them anymore?
Steve85, Unichen, AS, Davide and LH. This is why I love you guys, your time, and your responses in throwing ideas around here. You see what I am saying is truth, and agree with it to a certain extent. But it is a part truth. You challenge my thoughts and my beliefs in a healthy way, through in different perspectives and ideas, and it keeps me grounded, and my mind from getting tunnel vision. And that is really what I think we all need on here. To your last post Steve, I never thought about it that way with the percentages. That's a fair and hypothetical assessment. People csn find ways to make things work as well within a family unit f they prioritize correctly. These are all great examples of broadening of the mind. Ill stop painting everything with such a broad brush.
I've been listening to Eckart Tolle all day while S1 is napping after visiting MIL from recovery surgery. I started to beat myself up that I wasn't doing anything productive, but then I was like? Its a rainy day. S1 is sleeping. Why am I angry with myself and why do I keep doing that? Applying pressure to myself? His videos are amazing at reframing your beliefs and thoughts. Definately time well spent. Definately happy and light hearted that I am seeing the world through a different lens today.
Steve85 I am in IC but not Marital IC. Its IC for BPD. Its been helping as far as emotional regulation, and challenging yhoughts and beliefs. But this Eckart Tolle stuff is just blowing me away, and unravelling my tunnel vision of the world and thoughts. I was familiar with his books from 14 years ago, but obviously stopped when I got involved with W.
I've been listening to Eckart Tolle all day while S1 is napping after visiting MIL from recovery surgery. I started to beat myself up that I wasn't doing anything productive, but then I was like? Its a rainy day. S1 is sleeping. Why am I angry with myself and why do I keep doing that? Applying pressure to myself? His videos are amazing at reframing your beliefs and thoughts. Definately time well spent. Definately happy and light hearted that I am seeing the world through a different lens today.
Steve85 I am in IC but not Marital IC. Its IC for BPD. Its been helping as far as emotional regulation, and challenging yhoughts and beliefs. But this Eckart Tolle stuff is just blowing me away, and unravelling my tunnel vision of the world and thoughts. I was familiar with his books from 14 years ago, but obviously stopped when I got involved with W.
Isn't his stuff great? Letting go of outcomes and realizing that focusing on the past or thinking obsessively about the future are all irrelevant. All we ever have is now.
His books helped me greatly- and they appeared as if out of nowhere when I was at my lowest.
Ironwill I read his stuff when I was attempting to be a PUA and studying all the stuff in the seduction community. One of the guru's then reccomended his stuff. A girl I was dating before my W (who was also crazy and manipulative) who was working on self reccomended him to me. I have The Power Of Now, and haven't cracked it open in 13 years. Along with my attraction and dating books like The Game, The Laws of Attraction, Kama Sutra, etc...and many other self help books from Napoleon Hill and others. My W isn't that bad, means well, is a good person (Just self esteem issues colflicting with M) is being mildly but unawaringly manipulative. But his videos are exponential. Real mind shifts. Glad you are enjoying and employing his reframes.
Ironwill I read his stuff when I was attempting to be a PUA and studying all the stuff in the seduction community. One of the guru's then reccomended his stuff. A girl I was dating before my W (who was also crazy and manipulative) who was working on self reccomended him to me. I have The Power Of Now, and haven't cracked it open in 13 years. Along with my attraction and dating books like The Game, The Laws of Attraction, Kama Sutra, etc...and many other self help books from Napoleon Hill and others. My W isn't that bad, means well, is a good person (Just self esteem issues colflicting with M) is being mildly but unawaringly manipulative. But his videos are exponential. Real mind shifts. Glad you are enjoying and employing his reframes.
It's worth another read, for sure. Definitely came to me at the right moment - exactly when I needed it and through a very unlikely source that I nearly missed.
Been trying to let things be and follow signs from the universe or God or whatever you want to call it. that seems to be something I've ignored for my whole life.
It happens when you get quiet. I dont know how else better to describe it, but cancel out all the distractions and noise of the hustle and bustle of modern living. Go somewhere in nature alone and just be for a few minutes, an hour, whatever.
This is especially sums up what I've been trying to say on here for weeks, without being labeled as a misogynist, behind my previous hurt and frustration how the sexes think and love differently in today's western society. The societal, mortal psychological, emotional, and social differences in what is fueling the high divorce rates today. You can respectfully agree or disagree with it but it's worth the read if anyone is interested? Its a good article.
