You´re getting great advice here man, use your time wisely. Vent here if you need to vent but then regain composure and keep moving forward. You need to get into amoafwl, not for her but for yourself.
Be strong there IHC.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Let me ask you this question LH 19? If people aren't meant for 1 another which does happen in marriages and the reason why people get divorced? Then why is it that there was enough attraction there in the beginning to get married in the first place? Why did that some marriages make it between 7 years and 25 years before divorce?
Because people change IH. What you are looking for in a partner when your 20 is not necessarily what you want when your 40 or 50. People don't always live up to there end of the bargain. People who did not come from happy healthy families have no idea what it takes to have a healthy relationship. I believe that in marriage there are 50 percent of people get divorced 47 percent of people who aren't necessarily happy but are not miserable enough or too scared to file for divorce and 3% who are truly in love with one another. We just happen to be in the 50% category. But at least there is hope to make it to the 3% category. I have many friends in the 47% category that have no hope. Why do you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? As far as the institution of marriage, I think it is out dated. It worked when you use to live to be 30-35. Now that's too long to be with one person. People change, feelings change. IMO marriage should be set up based on 5 year contracts. You can choose to renew or terminate every five years. I most likely will never marry again.
As far as venting, I get you use the board to do that and at times that is ok. Yours just has a different feel to it and is very unproductive.
Yes we did pre marital counciling and ironically the preacher that married us was divorce. We watch those movies on fireproof and read all the books about marriage and our first year things were good. We watch fireproof the first week we were married. I would never dare yell at her the way, Kirk Cameron did in the movie initially. but I am known to raise my voice a lot and I do have a bit of a temper. She has a tendency to exaggerate and project a lot. Our Communication patterns suck. We literally passed right over each other. The communication was good for the first two or three years though.
There's a lot of idealistic and division of labor trust issues between us being married for almost 10 years. I know I'm wrong for telling the W this, but I'm obviously not one to hold in my feelings. I'm very upfront honest and vocal. Almost too much. I alluded to the wife being selfish for doing what she's doing. I understand why she's being selfish because she was such a people pleaser for so many years within her family from a little girl all the way through her marriage that she never put herself first, and now it's all about putting herself her needs her wants her desires and her future first. Again I understand it but that doesn't mean I agree with it. She thinks her happiness is going to come from pursuing all these wild and crazy purposes and adventures and trips and stuff and Reinventing herself living with single mom life pursuing all the things she may or may not have wanted to in the past. she thinks that as long as she is happy she will be a good role model for our son. There's definitely depression there on her end, she hides it very well but I can see it. She has weight issues and daddy issues. her father is a good man but he currently has dementia apparently he was emotionally unavailable to her as a child. according to her and her counselor she uncovered that because her father had a lot of anxieties deal with the cause of Vietnam, he would go to the liquor store every day in and put down a six-pack in her childhood. And she would get candy and sweets and whatnot she is an emotional eater. he is a good man and he was a good provider but I don't think he had an intimate relationship with his daughter or any of his children. I've seen her slim down three times in my life but she never remains consistent with it. my wife is very well composed and even tempered. you would never think that she would have any emotional issues. very nice girl but if you ever got to know her over the long haul you would see she was a people pleaser too accommodating not authentic enough, and ever slightly phony.
me on the other hand I have my issues as well as being emotional person being loud and boisterous in a good and a bad way. But not always. I can definitely say that my father was verbally abusive. my father was a strong and Driven Man. Somehow his Tendencies of come out in me within my marriage. my mother was the empathetic one and she raised us emotionally. so I have a healthy balance of both I can be sweet kind and compassionate but yet I can be really downright irritable frustrated and nasty sometimes. my mother is practically a saint completely sacrificial and a bit naive to her the Loyalty of her family to the point where my brothers who currently live with her do abuse her and her home to an extent. it was always funny watching my parents fight all throughout the years. My father completely dominated her. Was insecure and controlling. what was funny was in her fifties she started fighting back. I remember one or two instances where mug started flying in the kitchen with my mother and my father knew to back off. I watched them go through all the stages of life. Love, co dependency, mild verbal abuse, distance pursuit jealousy you name it. it's weird my household was a little bit dysfunctional growing up but we always had deep and philosophical meaningful conversations about lice me always put our emotions out there we never avoid conflict within the family. my wife's family is somewhat similar but different but they avoid conflict. so maybe the both of us are regressing back to our childhood learned behaviors from our parents now that we have a son of own, find the values and principles are a little bit different and a just not compatible I don't know that's just my psychological opinion. I would be lying myself if I didn't say I had some selfish needs. I'm a very affectionate and sexual person but I'm also emotional too. I've tried for 7 months of reconcile with wife that's just not happening, as she continues to pack up her stuff and sell the house piece by piece, with no regards to my well-being or the marriage, for keeping the family intact for the sake of our son. My trust in her goes down and down more everyday. I figure it this way if she could do it once she could do it again. That's the part of me that wants to push through the divorce. on the other hand I am having a hard time letting her go completely. some weeks I think I have let her go another week that comes right back up again feelings from the past. she doesn't see a future with me and she doesn't care about the past for history and as we know dear they rewrite history to everything being absolute negatives.
I don't think I could ever demonstrate to her any incentives of staying unless we were physically separated for some time. We can't agree on anything with are different perceptions, so basically like what the hell is the point I might as well try and focus on me have fun get out and do my thing try to stay sane maybe date a little bit? There's nothing to salvage my marriage is dead. Basically as I told Wolfman we are all,just looking for small improvements, a social life, and temporary filler to get us through our siches.
I know my Rants and ravings ramblings and bit@hing is unproductive. I really appreciate everyone's input and everyone listening, your empathy, and I know your time is valuable and thank you. I have to talk about these things and literally get them off my chest otherwise if I keep it in for too long I will start to have shortness of breath and mild panic attacks. Verbally speaking into my phone and saying all this helps me feel better. Reaching out and responding to someone else on here helps me feel better. I'm much better well I guess we all are much better from the outside looking in on people's situations. I'm really great at giving advice to people especially in relationships but it's funny I can't manage my own. As far as the inconsistencies that everyone points out here you're all you're all right. I don't know if I'll ever be able to change that about me, until I can put down my feelings and emotions about someone or something. I'm very emotional and passionate about who I am and what I do, what I think about and what I believe in. But it's not healthy for me to keep dwelling on something or someone that doesn't no longer serve me, and I know it but I can't help it sometimes I just have to let it run its course, recover and keep pushing forward
IH I feel your pain. I know you have commented on my thread a lot so I will comment on yours. I agree that talking on here really helps. Sometimes we have to just let those feelings out and when we do we feel better. IH my w is doing the same thing, it’s all about her, that she has to pursue the things that make her happy. That if she is happy the kids will be happy. I say I they can pursue things that make them “happy” then we should do that too. If we are “happy” or at least appear that way to them, that is very attractive. When I take the focus off my situation and focus on myself I feel better. People see it too, some people will say you look good today. I know they mean happy. You said you have a lot of anger at times, do you belong to a gym? It helps me a lot. Get that frustration out.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
Anyone here kmow of any books on the psychology and tactics, handling, setting boundaries, etc whether aware or unaware, revolving around the dynamics of manipulation, gas lighting, shaming, narcissism, projection, etc within the dynamics of relationships and marriage between the sexes? I just had a major epiphany.
Well here it comes. Both BIL's are coming over this weekend to attempt to tackle the loose ends of my unfinished projects while I have the whole weekend with S1 with nowhere to go or take him for the entire weekend.I will make the materials available to W. I hope to get an exact timeframe they will be here at the house, so I won't be here. This [censored]. I have nowhere else to run with S1 while they are here. I hope to find some day activities, but ultimately he has to sleep here. What really pisses me off, is they will be utilizing all the stuff I have purchased, and possibly tools too. Talk about an interference of a marriage. But I get it.They are helping their sister. Since she fired me as her H, and is selling the house. I have absolutely no intention of touching these things, or getting involved. I wish she would have done this crap on a weekend where I didn't have S1
Yeah stop being so fuching prickly. Your brother in laws are coming over to do what you didn’t get done and you’re going to benefit from it with the sale of the house.
The saying around here is to keep the road home paved smoothly and right now you are putting a million potholes in them.
I get that your hurt, I really do, I have been there. But being bitter and vengeful is not the answer. One minute you say your done and moving on and then the next minute your trying to block every move she makes.
I can tell you are a really smart dude but until you adjust your attitude, I am afraid you are going to have this happen to you again and again in the future.
IH, that is a huge 2x4 from LH, and one that you should pay heed too. Anger and bitterness is no way to go through life. I think you said you are in IC, how is that going? Because I am not seeing any results. Do not settle for an inferior IC, if the one you have isn't working then find another. ICs are like everything else, the quality varies. Shop around like you would for a car.
Cherish this weekend. S1 will only be 1 once. My D is going to be 16 later this month, and I would give my left ear to go back and spend more time with her at 1, and every age in between. They grow up fast, so don't look at this as "I have a free weekend with S1 with nothing to do", and look at it is "awesome!, I get a free weekend with S1 with lots of one-on-one time!"
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
