Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 11 of 11 1 2 9 10 11
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 914
I
IHCLACS Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 914
Please listen to this!!! I have been following this person's ministry for 3 years. The parallels of this gentlemen's seperation experience and everyone else's sich are uncanny, and extremely remarkable. It also may make you get yourself right with God and Jesus Christ. It is a long series, but worthwhile.


Last edited by Cadet; 06/28/19 04:36 PM. Reason: Start a new thread message
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 914
I
IHCLACS Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 914
Originally Posted by MLCxH
Originally Posted by unchien

What are my short-term goals? Time with my kids, and self-improvement. Money doesn't matter, reconciliation doesn't matter, whether my W is angry or happy or sad or upset doesn't matter.



This is good Unichen. Now ask yourself how moving out of the house and having an S that puts you in extended limbo helps with this.

Originally Posted by unchien

- I am not going to provide a "safety plan".


Don't you think the S is a safety plan that gives her time to plan her next move?

Originally Posted by LB55
[quote=unchien]It is tricky.

And I have a backseat driver yanking the steering wheel hard in one direction.


Stop the car. open door. Exit car. Problem Solved! grin


^^^^^This, especially step 1. Stop the car. You are driving all over the place and allowing the backseat driver to steer. Stop the car, think about where you want to go, set boundaries with the backseat driver and then start driving.
Uni I think you would appreciate this.

Sometimes you can't help but ask yourself who is the fool? The one whose side seat driving, trying to grab and jerk the steering wheel, trying to crash the vehicle with you and the children in it, who's making all of the demands based all based on their personal feelings? Or is the person driving the fool? For allowing that side seat driver in the car in the first place, when are not acting rational in the first place? But yet they project and accuse us of it? I have to ask God sometimes on days like today where all I read is scripture, and all I want to do is trust in Jesus. Im enjoying putting up a lot of scripture up on my FB page continuously as of lately. W will cherry pick and like the ones that are of her narrative to walk away, find herself and her confidence.(More worldy influences, desires, and influences by the SELF HELP SELF DECEPTION COMMUNITY.) But who am I to judge, and tell someone how to live?) its her life, and I am just slow to speak and quick to listen. She puts up a ton of self help comments and quotes on FB that are directly meant not as an attack, but to support the whole "walk away" narrative just for me. Either that or its for attention from people in her friends group. (Other people have validated that they were digs meant for me.) I just ignore it like I have the past 8 months, and I put my scripture up.

Last night after having a nice discussion about scripture which she inquired to me about. She first imposed that maybe I should explore ministry since I am currently so passionate about it. She has always been supportive of most of my hobbies and pursuits, but for the express purpose of turning it into work or monetary means for her to benefit from it, as well as myself, and not just for my own pleasure. I've always worked to just work, that's my life and I'm ok with it. My passions I've never made my work, unless I choose to do so. She always wants to find her passions, and make it work for herself. She associates her self worth on finding her passions, and making it a job. But she changes her mind like the wind, and lacks commitment. So just before all this, she confirmed and said what I was thinking regarding the scripture conversation, without me having to even say it to her what I have learned. She said that she was getting the temptations to seek out a few psychic mediums and a tarot reading to see how her life was going to turn out since she is overloaded with marital issues, job issues, house issues, parent health issues, Self issues, etc. (which btw now she wants to buy me out, and keep the house to sell it next year since the projects aren't progressing, and my BIL's have taken it over.) Anyway she came to her senses in not giving into the psychic reading temptations, because even though she has been pulled to it in the past she stated she felt it was wrong.

Anyway she gaslighted me again in the middle of our scripture discussion, when I simply was stating what I was learning, after she said her piece and I listened intently for 30 minutes. She felt she was being talked down to again just by the words that I used, when all I simply said was scripture states God requires obedience and consideration to his words to learn the real truth and not be deceived by the world. Again she made a nice discussion into an "its all about me, and how I feel" session. (People think I'm kidding when I say I'm not allowed to have any feelings about anything, that it is all about her, but I know people here have experienced the same phenomenon.) I have heard so many times that "I'm scary" just by having a presence, or standing up for what I believe in all discussions and our marriage sometimes. She is aware that always mean well and thinks never have ill intentions, but she doesn't like the way I say things with my own words sometimes or the way I come across. ( I don't want to invalidate this as I do want to work on it.) We both agreed that if we were to be video taped it would be interesting in observing and correcting. (Just me of course not her, because the behaviorist behaviors are always perfect.) She interestingly turned her own video tape comment into, "well maybe not, that I would prefer to video tape our interactions not to learn from it, but to use it against her." I tried to politely challenge her and her feelings on all of this and her defensiveness, not to invalidate her feelings, but if she knows I mean well, and an well intended, then why is she so sensitive and easily offended? If I say "Im really sorry you feel that way those are not my intentions." I'm dismissive and condescending. If I just say "Okay" and agree with her. Im dismissive and stand offish. If you challenge them on their deluded thought, you are the one who is flipping the script and turning it around on them. But if a therapist does it, its ok because they are trusted mental health professionals. But if you offer you own oppinion when asked for it, you are again accused of flipping things around. Don't offer your feelings up about being gas lighted, and point it out to them, they wont have a shred of humility to acknowledge it, acknowledge you, or apologise for it. But YOU ARE REQUIRED TO VALIDATE ABD ACKNOWLEDGE THEIRS. I asked her. (More like challenged her) "Do you think God wants you to be happy by seeking out worldy your own desires, or does God want you to find your happiness in him, and be thankful for his provisions for his purpose for you?"
Ill let you guys guess which one she chose for an answer, and in a very rebellious, certain, and arrogant demeanor. Oh the arrogance. She denies she has unforgiveness in her heart.

I politely asked her again, what is she rebelling against? She said she is not rebelling, she is standing up for herself. So I politely challenged again. What are you standing up for? Do you feel attacked? Why always the defensive posture? Are you sensitive to me being passionate about something and taking it as aggression? She couldn't answer. But does feel I am aggressive at times. I challenged her again about if God wants her to find her purpose, or if she is supposed to seek out God's purpose? (See the difference) Last week She attacked my manhood for the second time, I let it roll off my back, and I brought it up again a week later, that it was ubnecessary and hurtful. She didn't remember it. But apologized.
Last week I was sitting in the stairwell looking up something on my phone in the middle of yet another argument. She wanted to get by, I didn't want to move, but allowed her to pass by me and wasn't stopping her after she asked to get by. That's considered aggressive to her. (You can't write this level of insanity.) Just your presence sometimes reuplses them and makes them want to recoil. You could stop talking to them all together for 4 months on IHS, avoid them, and be scare, and they still want to throw you out or move out for their space away from you. She still feels me moving back into the MBR 5 months ago was inconsiderate and demeaning. I said why? From a respectful stand point, I'm not the one wanting to leave the M. You are.

All this turned into yet another blowout and R talk about her now again changing plans. She wants the house/she doesn't want the house/she wants me to move out by Aug./she is keeping her job, she isn't keeping her job, and wants to work from home...She wants to buy me out now, and sell later. (Don't call them out on flip flopping, they will project it back onto you to suit their narrative again.) All this lead to several attorney consultations discussions. I told her I need to speak to an attorney just for consultation for parental, custodial, and asset/real estate reasons. I stated I would try to have one lined up in the next two week, and get back to her. I asked if she was planning on doing the same? I probed a little to see who she intended to use just to make sure there was no conflict of interest in case either one of us did ever decide to retain. She obviously wanted to keep that a secret ,but just mentioned the town of where the attorney is that she is considering. Yesterday I started looking for L for consultation. I can't being myself to do it, but know that I should to legally explore my rights. I made it clear that I am not going anywhere, or moving or plan on moving anywhere, until check is in hand for buyout, or until my "alleged attorney" consults with me more about parental rights. I made it clear to her thus is not to hurt her, I am not digging in my heels and being vindictive or stubborn, I am protecting my parental rights with our S1. At first I agreed that we would both consult one to figure out how property asset rights and parental rights intertwine. She wants commitment from me that I either buy her out and she moves out, or she buys me out and I move out. She wants to know what my plan is. I don't intend to swing the mortgage by myself or buy her out or consider buying her out. But I'm not moving until she offers me a concrete plan on what she wants to do, not the other way around, even though she demands it of me. ( I'm wondering if she thinks she is going to quit her job again, file for CS, stat home with S1, and refi, and swing the whole mort until next Mar when she wants to put the house on the market now since she misses the prime window. She wants me to move to the basement again too. Absolutely not. She s not going to push me around or out of the house without equitible and fair compensation. She is a total oxy moron, sell, stay, leave, go, no you go. Stay at job, leave job, stay job, find different job. She s all over the map.

Last week we agreed to do MC explicitly for communication reasons and improvements. Not to work on the M. That was a nice chat. We even recorded the conversation and did some tellback/feedback to make sure there weren't any misunderstandings. That's not going to happen now, due to her mental health insurance not wanting to cover me as a secondary because I have my own primary insurance, but my deductibles on my mental health are do high, I can't afford it. So Im losing IC appointments, and there goes any chance at MC anyway.

Oh. Unichen. She wants me to agree to an informal plan which she has handwritten (I have a feeling this was suggested her IC.) that if I ever get overwhelmed or feel suicidal (just because it has come up in the past with me over life stresses.) (And also her uncle and friend from H.S. commited suicide.) To call her, or if I need a break from S1 or a day to recoup from depressive thoughts, to have a back up plan, or to call her. She will take him. I could never do it, and I don't even think about it anymore. All this M stress has finally made me a rock in Christ
, of strength and character. But I wonder if "her feelings" will ever be used against me.

Phone behavior has significantly increased from much overuse to obsessive. She is constantly on her phone, and I mean obsessively, bedroom, bathroom, car, kitchen, front stoop back stoop, living room, talking to all kinds of people, constantly hiding things, and a lot of other secretive behaviors. Still don't know if OM is in picture, don't care, but her whole contact list gets more attention in a day then I get in 5 months. Once in a while we do somewhat nice things for each other, pick up food here and there, clean up a few messes, etc.

To end this long thread, after 10 months of my mind compulsively going on about the M. Last week I took a renewed interest in scripture, the bible, and devoting myself to Christ and his word and deeds. Back to what I said in the beginning to Uni. I know most of you think I am being a weak fool, but after our convo about the plans for the house. I told my W. I am laying down my weapons and my sword. I am not going to fight with her anymore, and I don't wish to. If she wants out. I won't stop her. I won't agree to it. I don't condone it. I am standing for the marriage and our family. I am standing for it as my covenant to God, and has more to do with Christ than with her. If she needs to get away from me, then she needs to do what she needs to do, but I won't agree with it or pursue divorce or leaving the house for now. If she wants seperation/divorce/her own space, freedom, independence happiness or whatever etc. It's all on her. Her choice, her actions, her will. I am not contributing to it to our division in any way anymore. I will not fight with her.vI know I sound like a martyr but, she is going to have to live with it on her conscience and soul, and be willing to take the marriage, the house, and S1 away from me to gain her freedom, independence or whatever. I told her if I am not any more clearer in my intentions, then let me make it clear. I put my wedding ring back on in front of her (not for effect) and said I'm standing for our marriage, our home, and our family, and its not coming off!!! I won't accept anything else less than reconciliation, and if she can't understand my spiritual and religious convictions, and what my true intentions are, then that's on her, and with that, I am letting her go. I can't have the contribution to division, or to worldly legalities or desires or passions or this toxic marriage on my mind or on my soul anymore. She is free to choose as she wishes. I am putting Jesus Christ, the Gospel's word and the bible first as a priority above her and all else. If that means I have to be quiet all the time to mind my tounge and my heart, then I will. I have a few habitual sins I have to kick with the help of the Holy Spirit. If God has to use me to suffer through all of this to draw closer to Jesus, remain more obedient, to refine me, or to use her deceptions of self, or deceived mind to strengthen me, or if I have to lose it all to save my mind and my soul as well as hers than so be it. I pray she comes to repentance. I pray she stops being deceived. I pray I become more devoted and kick some of my sins and change with Jesus's help because I can't do it on my own, and I'm tired of turning to man for wisdom on life in a broken world, that is going to fall away anyway. I pray that I develop more humility and patience in time. I pray she does too. I pray that she find the real truth and real happiness, and I pray that God helps her and her family through all her struggles. Back to my mention to Uni's sich. Since W is still on the WAW Express. Sometimes I wonder if I am the fool for wanting to willingly endure all this? Then I remind myself, even though I am an imperfect wretched sinner. There is no fool in Jesus Christ and clutching to him an his word and his commands. That is the only way I am ever going to change, the only real way I am ever going to DB and the only way I am ever going to GAL and save myself without selfishness. WAW will most likely leave me, wreck the marriage, take the house, and divide the family. But I hope someday God uses it for his glory which ever way it goes. I am done fearing the inevitable of potentially unequally yoked couples. My mind and anxiety over it is finished. I am done fearing all of it.

Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
Man this must be my day to dispense 2x4's. Sometimes I log on here and read and just wonder how everything could be going so pear-shaped, it's like people abandon the most basic rules of DB'ing and proceed to do whatever they want instead, which is almost always the WRONG thing to do. Anyway here we go:

Originally Posted by IHCLACS
She puts up a ton of self help comments and quotes on FB that are directly meant not as an attack, but to support the whole "walk away" narrative just for me. Either that or its for attention from people in her friends group. (Other people have validated that they were digs meant for me.) I just ignore it like I have the past 8 months, and I put my scripture up.


That's a weird little War of the Roses thing going on. Very passive/aggressive by both of you. If you're going to post scripture then how about posting uplifting passages that have nothing to do with marriage and relationships. THAT would tell her you are letting go, which is exactly the message you want to send her.

Quote
(People think I'm kidding when I say I'm not allowed to have any feelings about anything, that it is all about her, but I know people here have experienced the same phenomenon.)


I guess you mean people IRL and not here, because we all know this is standard for a WAS. And not only that, but we talk about not sharing your feelings with a WAS because she doesn't care. You listen and validate, that's it.

Quote
She is aware that always mean well and thinks never have ill intentions, but she doesn't like the way I say things with my own words sometimes or the way I come across.


You shouldn't be saying anything around her. Just listen and validate. Anything more is just ammo she will use against you.

Quote
I tried to politely challenge her and her feelings on all of this and her defensiveness, not to invalidate her feelings, but if she knows I mean well, and an well intended, then why is she so sensitive and easily offended?


Because she's a WAS. Don't challenge her. Because that is exactly what you said it's not- invalidating. YOU know you mean well, YOU know it's well intended, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT SHE KNOWS. You are fooling yourself if you think you do. Listen and validate, period.

Quote
If I say "Im really sorry you feel that way those are not my intentions." I'm dismissive and condescending.


First part (bolded) is validation, second part IS dismissive.

Quote
If I just say "Okay" and agree with her. Im dismissive and stand offish.


But a one ward crap response like that IS dismissive!

Quote
If you challenge them on their deluded thought, you are the one who is flipping the script and turning it around on them.


What are you gaining by constantly challenging her? That's a bad idea in a healthy relationship. It's the nuclear option in an unhealthy relationship.

Quote
But if you offer you own oppinion when asked for it, you are again accused of flipping things around. Don't offer your feelings up about being gas lighted, and point it out to them, they wont have a shred of humility to acknowledge it, acknowledge you, or apologise for it. But YOU ARE REQUIRED TO VALIDATE ABD ACKNOWLEDGE THEIRS.


So what? IH, you strike me as someone who loves to hear himself talk and loves to force his opinion on others whether they want it or not. That is TOXIC to a relationship. It also sounds like you have a serious case of NGS, you've got to be constantly acknowledged and validated to feel valued. If you acknowledge or validate someone else you immediately want it reciprocated. You've got to get over that. Be the man. What do I mean by that? It means you offer support, validation, security while expecting NONE in return. It means you find your value and self-worth from within instead of from others. It means you have ZERO EXPECTATIONS from others, that you DO NOT take offense to someone challenging you, or not complimenting you, or not paying enough attention to you or stroking your ego. Radiate confidence and self-respect. Be the rock.

Quote
I asked her. (More like challenged her)


This has really got to stop.

Quote
Ill let you guys guess which one she chose for an answer, and in a very rebellious, certain, and arrogant demeanor. Oh the arrogance. She denies she has unforgiveness in her heart.


You don't know what's in her heart. You need a big slice of humble pie, you are coming off as VERY sanctimonious.

Quote
I politely asked her again, what is she rebelling against? She said she is not rebelling, she is standing up for herself. So I politely challenged again. What are you standing up for? Do you feel attacked? Why always the defensive posture? Are you sensitive to me being passionate about something and taking it as aggression? She couldn't answer.


You're attacking her. If you want any hope of saving your marriage then please stop. Listen and validate, nothing more. Did Jesus cross-examine the prostitute that the Pharisees brought before him? Did he condemn her? If Jesus was not willing to condemn a prostitute, why are you so willing and eager to condemn your own wife?


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Page 11 of 11 1 2 9 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard