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Do you pay your MIL to watch your son? If not, I wouldn’t go down the path of claiming that the days your brother watches count as your days, because then your wife gets to count all the days her mother watches as her days.

As for FMLA leave, does it matter if she uses it for her father? If she didn’t, wouldn’t MIL have to take that time to care for him, leaving you and your wife needing to watch your son.

Reading your posts, I get the impression you do expect your wife to be responsible for child care and that when you do so, it’s doing her a favor. That might work in marriages with a SAHM, but when both parents work, it’s not an equitable or fair arrangement.


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
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I'm probably going to look into a mediator and consultation, and at the very least, generate a parental custodial plan myself with terms and conditions on my own, and see if she agrees to it and signs it. She has been insisting for months she wants A Legal Parenting Plan but hasn't taken any initiative whatsoever torwards on her part to initiate it. Or start the legal process, so I left it alone. Its either because she is A.) Lazy. B.) Is dealing with enough on her plate with getting house ready for sale, taking care of parents, etc. But always has the time to go out and GAL herself with whomever she sees. Or C.) Is intimidated by the legal process and also cannot afford it. She mentioned she was taking S1 to FL this summer to a friends timeshare for a week. I emailed her about it a month ago including a minor out of state document/affidavit form which takes 5 minutes to fill out which I still haven't seen yet.

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Oh wow, no IHC, do not send that! First of all- wall of text! Second of all, if the two of you are having disagreements on a parenting plan then make a written one that you can both refer to in order to resolve disputes. Reading your response to her I think you are being petty to be honest. Let the incident go and draft up a written proposal that's fair to both of you.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Originally Posted by Rose888
Reading your posts, I get the impression you do expect your wife to be responsible for child care and that when you do so, it’s doing her a favor. That might work in marriages with a SAHM, but when both parents work, it’s not an equitable or fair arrangement.


Yes I agree, that's my impression as well. And no, it's not fair.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Originally Posted by Rose888
Do you pay your MIL to watch your son? If not, I wouldn’t go down the path of claiming that the days your brother watches count as your days, because then your wife gets to count all the days her mother watches as her days.

As for FMLA leave, does it matter if she uses it for her father? If she didn’t, wouldn’t MIL have to take that time to care for him, leaving you and your wife needing to watch your son.

Reading your posts, I get the impression you do expect your wife to be responsible for child care and that when you do so, it’s doing her a favor. That might work in marriages with a SAHM, but when both parents work, it’s not an equitable or fair arrangement.


I see your point about the MIL/Brother thing. My MIL agreed to watch him for the 1st two years out of the kindness of her heart in spending time with her grandchild, but because of her recent health complications, and FIL's dementia in the last month, She can no longer watch S1 going forward which I completely understand plus the added pressure of FIL.. But Rose in other words.
Since IHS in Jan. and established informal monthly custodial arrangement. When I take off of work to watch S1 whether it be voluntarily due to inclimate weather, or whether it be to W's circumstances with MIL OR FIL or W's own health conditions. It doesn't count with her. ( Between Feb-Mar. W went for numerous bariatric consultations all the way up to pre-o.p. had 2nd thoughts about it for her own personal reasons, then a month later gaslighted me, and blamed the entire reason why she didn't follow through with bariatric weight loss surgery on me, because HER FEELINGS. felt I wouldn't be able to care for S1 for a month of her anticipated recovery.) This is months before MIL and FIL's health issues and surgeries. I had to take a maybe few half days here and there during that time to pick W up from endoscopy from hospital, and other consultations. Not a huge sacrifice on my part, but also at a time when there was a lot of inclimate weather, snow and rain where I was voluntarily watching S1 to give W and MIL a break. So I am losing money to pay financial obligation two fold. In addition to that, I have taken off additional days over past two months to watch S1 while MIL was going through her issues. But again anything I do is not acknowledged, considered, or is equitible to her.

Everyone on here months ago has told me "Well if she fired you as her H" then it is both of your responsibility to figure out your own arrangements so that is what I did. I left her to figure out hers, and mine my own. But that doesn't count torwards anything with her. In other words she "wants equal suffrage" from me for all the days she had to miss work related to child care due to her parents illnesses as of recently. Then she was unclear about terms of me going away for two weeks, staying "we need the money" but then wanted me to make up for "my nights" that I missed while I was away after the fact. Which I am doing.

I know it sounds like I am,being cold and legalistic, but if this isn't cake eating, then I don't know what is? Maybe Im totally misguided by this forum and the suggestions here, and have only made things worse by following them I wonder sometimes? Its hard to interpret someone's ongoing scenario when your not experiencing all the craziness everyday/month/year for yourself. Maybe I took the whole "cake eating" theory principle here too literally? It seems like all the advice I have taken here dating back to Jan starting with by reclaiming the MBR and other actions has deteriorated relations even further, not that it matters now? Who knows?

Last edited by IHCLACS; 06/21/19 06:14 PM.
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Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Oh wow, no IHC, do not send that! First of all- wall of text! Second of all, if the two of you are having disagreements on a parenting plan then make a written one that you can both refer to in order to resolve disputes. Reading your response to her I think you are being petty to be honest. Let the incident go and draft up a written proposal that's fair to both of you.


I know I am being petty. But it is a reactive petty to her pettiness. AS why do you think I want to pull the trigger on the D so bad? Its gotten so petty around here that even the food, the dishes, and everything in between has to be accounted for. In others words. The other night she offered me a slice of pizza she ordered with her $ I accepred, then, even though fair, just expected me to do the dishes "for payment" Stuff like this has had no clear boundaries for months. If I eat even a slice of cheese, she makes a mention of it. Even though she rarely does, but if she eats anything of mine, I let it go because I am not that petty of a person, but I can very well be if someone wants to play for for tat with me.

But I will take your advice and let the email go, and make up an agreeable parenting plan.

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Tit for tat will not get you where you want to be IHC. Kill her with kindness. You can do this without being a doormat. It sounds to me like you are trying to to fight fire with fire. That always results in a bigger fire.


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Originally Posted by IHCLACS
Since IHS in Jan. and established informal monthly custodial arrangement. When I take off of work to watch S1 whether it be voluntarily due to inclimate weather, or whether it be to W's circumstances with MIL OR FIL or W's own health conditions. It doesn't count with her.


I'm just trying to sort out exactly what's happening, you have 50-50 custody? When you say you take time off work to watch S1 due to "W's circumstances with MIL or FIL or W's own health conditions" is that during your custodial time or W's? If it's during W's, my suggestion would be not to do it. She's responsible for watching S1 during her time, and you clearly need to save days so that you can take off to watch him during yours when an emergency arises. That's how separation and divorce work, you're not a team anymore. You've got to split the custody and each of you has to deal with the terms of that however necessary. XW and I did it for years (still do with S). We switched off weekly and were solely responsible for whatever came up during the week. She had her mom to help, I had no one. But I made due.

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Not a huge sacrifice on my part, but also at a time when there was a lot of inclimate weather, snow and rain where I was voluntarily watching S1 to give W and MIL a break. So I am losing money to pay financial obligation two fold. In addition to that, I have taken off additional days over past two months to watch S1 while MIL was going through her issues. But again anything I do is not acknowledged, considered, or is equitible to her.


Well, that's the sort of thing you do in a happy marriage. But in separation, it no longer applies. You need to define the separation agreement on custody and if things happen with S during her week then don't rescue her. Save your days off for YOUR custody.

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Everyone on here months ago has told me "Well if she fired you as her H" then it is both of your responsibility to figure out your own arrangements so that is what I did. I left her to figure out hers, and mine my own. But that doesn't count torwards anything with her.


Curious what you mean by "it doesn't count towards anything with her"? If you're taking days off to care for S during your custodial time, then why does she care? That doesn't help her in any way, that's YOUR responsibility. Whether you take time off or find a sitter or whatever, that's for you to deal with. And when she has S it's for her to deal with. The way you need to look at it is this- when you have S, you are a single parent. You don't parent your child to earn accolades or credit from someone, you do it because it's the right thing to do, it's your responsibility.

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In other words she "wants equal suffrage" from me for all the days she had to miss work related to child care due to her parents illnesses as of recently.


How much time she takes off during her custodial time is not your concern and vice versa. If he's never sick when you have him and always sick when she has him, well that's just bad luck on her part. Sounds like one or both of you are kind of struggling with the concept of "separation". You're still co-parents, but you're not a husband and wife team.

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Then she was unclear about terms of me going away for two weeks, staying "we need the money" but then wanted me to make up for "my nights" that I missed while I was away after the fact. Which I am doing.


OK well that sounds reasonable. If she watched S for you when you were supposed to be watching him, then you do owe her. But don't let her define those terms, agree to it IN ADVANCE. IE, if you're going on a trip then say (I'm supposed to have S on XXX week but I need to make a work trip, can you swap weeks with me? If you can take him on XXX I'll take him on YYY week." Don't just say "I'll make it up to you later" because then she'll want to use your makeup days "on demand" when it's convenient for her. Communication is everything! Be clear and concise!

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I know it sounds like I am,being cold and legalistic, but if this isn't cake eating, then I don't know what is?


This just sounds like frustration and lack of communication both ways rather than cake-eating.

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Its gotten so petty around here that even the food, the dishes, and everything in between has to be accounted for. In others words. The other night she offered me a slice of pizza she ordered with her $ I accepred, then, even though fair, just expected me to do the dishes "for payment"


Do you think that's unreasonable? W invited me to Thanksgiving at her mom's. It was her, her mom, me and our 3 kids. I did ALL the dishes, pots pans and silverware all by hand as a "thank you" for the meal. It's really no big deal. I think you're both trapped in this cycle of thinking you're being unfairly treated by the other, so you look for conspiracies everywhere. You know how we all preach to "take the moral high road", try and think about what that means in your sitch. You need to be the beacon, the rock, the light house NO MATTER HOW YOUR W BEHAVES!


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Joined: Aug 2012
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Originally Posted by Steve85
Tit for tat will not get you where you want to be IHC. Kill her with kindness. You can do this without being a doormat. It sounds to me like you are trying to to fight fire with fire. That always results in a bigger fire.


Steve has the ability to say the same thing as me in 1/10th the words grin


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Joined: Jan 2019
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Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Originally Posted by Steve85
Tit for tat will not get you where you want to be IHC. Kill her with kindness. You can do this without being a doormat. It sounds to me like you are trying to to fight fire with fire. That always results in a bigger fire.


Steve has the ability to say the same thing as me in 1/10th the words grin


Haha.. Ok. I just had a convo with the W about any misunderstandings. I interpreted her email like she wanted me to owe her something because she took off more days than me. Its clarified, handled, and resolved. I expressed my thoughts, she expressed hers, and although very different and mon agreeable, we agreed I don't need documentation from her for her FLMA days, this there is no positive outcome in getting legalistic, or getting tit for tat.

I really need to get over myself and my defensiveness and petty reactivity to potentially provoking situations when I feel threatened. Its a total waste of my time and energy that I xan be doing more productive things with. I am glad I held that email back. I can be calm during these situations, but very matter of fact. Im always waiting to get screwed because its what I have experienced somewhat throughout most of my life. It makes me very adamant and protective around those I no longer fully trust. Especially when it comes to employment, money, children etc...I've also seen my brother go through extremely volatile custodial battles and divorce for 16 years. So it has shaped me and my attitude to fight if necessary. Im still going to draw up a parenting plan.

Thanks guys for listening and your time and input.

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