Wife is having an affair and wants to separate -2

[LB55]

Not sure how should I be during that time and....
Should I initiate any conversation?
If she talks about things, what should I do?
How to deal with awkward silence which I am sure will be there for most part?

Would you have a chat about your relationship and what is going on if you went to the zoo with someone that isn't your partner? If not, then just chat about whatever you would chat about with a friend that you went to the zoo with.

If she starts a conversation, you can just listen and validate her feelings. If she starts attacking and blaming, tell her the conversation needs to be over. Be able to walk away if needed.

Fill the awkward silence with conversation with your daughter. Awkward silence being filled is a needy thing. Be pleasant and present, but you don't have to talk all the time just to fill the silence.

You are there to make the day about your daughter. Make it about her. If W joins you and is pleasant, then it is still about your daughter. If she is nasty and leaves, it is still about your daughter. If she wanders off and gets eaten by a tiger, it is still about your daughter. Be the dad you want to be for her.

[Nik11]

Thanks LB55 for your thoughts.
Wife and I discussed our D's birthday (coming Sunday) plan today and I mentioned that as per her suggestion, we can plan the zoo in the morning and then have lunch together and then I would like to take D to a resort for two days.
She was like can we do something on Saturday and I said that I already have some personal plans on Saturday (which I really have).
I finally said that I would like to start early on Sunday and would like to finish by afternoon so that me and D can leave as its around 3 hour drive.

I get a message from her after one hour that "Was I even planning to tell her my plans for my D's birthday or not (Though I am telling her a week in advance). That I built this whole plan without talking to her and how would I feel if she takes D out of town for days without even letting me know.
She mentioned that i knew how important D's birthday was for her and I was talking to her like I am giving her few hours with D on her birthday as charity".
Also wrote that I should put myself in her shoes and think how would I have felt if she pulled out this [censored] on me"

I haven't replied back to the message but I wanted to write back that "I don't want to take her time with D and she can have her for half day that day and rest I can have with D as we are separated and not a family anymore. That being said, she shouldn't be giving me sermons on feelings as she can't even fathom what her affair has made me feel and damage it is causing to all family members and specially our D. But I don't plan to reply or keep it short saying that "she can have her half time with D and this is no charity as she is her mother. If she would like then we can go to the zoo, then me and D can leave a little later in the evening instead of afternoon"

The only thing is that this all again may make her feel that her opinion does not matter and that was one of her complaints that she did not feel valued and felt her opinions did not matter.(Just to mention that throughout our M, I was dominant one and bit of controlling as well). This is a big 180 for me and I believe I have made a huge progres on these but I don't want to portray that I still haven't made any changes and am still the same old guy by making sure things go my way.

As always, would appreciate feedback from vets and all friends here.

[AnotherStander]

I get a message from her after one hour that "Was I even planning to tell her my plans for my D's birthday or not (Though I am telling her a week in advance). That I built this whole plan without talking to her and how would I feel if she takes D out of town for days without even letting me know.
She mentioned that i knew how important D's birthday was for her and I was talking to her like I am giving her few hours with D on her birthday as charity".
Also wrote that I should put myself in her shoes and think how would I have felt if she pulled out this [censored] on me"

I haven't replied back to the message but I wanted to write back that "I don't want to take her time with D and she can have her for half day that day and rest I can have with D as we are separated and not a family anymore. That being said, she shouldn't be giving me sermons on feelings as she can't even fathom what her affair has made me feel and damage it is causing to all family members and specially our D. But I don't plan to reply or keep it short saying that "she can have her half time with D and this is no charity as she is her mother. If she would like then we can go to the zoo, then me and D can leave a little later in the evening instead of afternoon"

Just listen and validate. "W, I can tell you are upset, I can see why you would feel that way. I will work on trying to communicate plans better with you in the future. In the meantime if you would like some personal time with D on her birthday then I would suggest XYZ." Try to be businesslike. Not sure what your line of business is but when a client comes at me like that then I reply with something cool and professional, I don't engage. Same thing here.

[Nik11]

Thanks AS and LB for your advice and that is what I did.
She mentioned that she wanted our D to have some family time to which I politely said that there is no family, we are co-parents and let us try to do the best for her.
So, on her birthday, she came to drop her. I had gotten cake and gifts for my D and casually asked her if she wanted to come in for cake cutting. She came in and we cut the cake and my D opened the gifts that I had gotten for her.
After that my WW left.
Then me and D left for the resort that I had booked and spent next two (Sun-Tuesday) days there. Had a great time with D and definitely created memories that will stay long with me.
When we were there, WW messages and says that she is planning a vacation in two weeks during working days (no weekend days included) . As I was going to be traveling for business during that week, I messaged that she can plan a week before or after that week as I will be travelling during that week. She said ok.Then she asked for the photographs of D, to which I did not reply as I did not think it was necessary.

Detaching has helped as lot. Don't get bothered abt her messages and lies.

Came back and dropped D at her place. No conversation after that at all.
Day before yesterday she messaged that she was not well and thinks that she will passout and is worried abt D. So wanted me to call her next day around 8 a.m if I don't hear back from her. I wrote "Ok. Hope you feel better". She messaged me next day at 5 am that she was fine. I did not reply back.
Yesterday morning, she messaged that she was very sick and if I could keep D for yesterday night.
As I was in a conference and was going to be free very late, I replied that "That sounds tough. it will not be possible for me to keep her and hope she feels better soon."
She replied "Ok".

Now today she messaged again that she is having a severe infection and may have to go to ER, so wants me to keep D tomorrow and will keep her on Sunday which is my day (Strange that she knows that she will be fine on Sunday already). Also, as she knows that I usually ask her to keep D on Fridays in case I keep her on her day, she messaged that she will not be able to keep her on friday as she has plans with office ppl on Friday.

This all seem to be lies and I am not sure how deceitful she has to become and ignore D to be with OM.
How much can she change to be a person of no values and principles.
THough I would admit that these things have been impacting very less now, its just momentarily that you feel that D is also not important for her.

I am planning to write that "I am sorry to hear about her health. I will keep D tomorrow and she can keep her on Sunday". That is it.

Would appreciate feedback and suggestions on how I should be responding to this Er message.

Thanks again for all who have been supporting me and advising. All these perspectives make things so much clearer.