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You the option of two words. Either "Yes" or "No". You don't need to add anything to those statements.

You know she's lying and she thinks you don't know! What type of message is that sending? To me it sends a form of acceptance. Have you accepted her relationship with the OM?

If not you owe it to her and yourself to inform her of such!


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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Thanks Ovr and Joe for your comments.

Well, I have already confronted her and she moved out late April'2019. So, she knows that I know of the OM.
Don't know why she keeps lying and making excuses. Feels more cheated than the actual affair.
I had told her during confrontation that I know of the affair and not ready to live in an open marriage. She had planned to move out and she did in April. During initial days after BD, she had mentioned that she wanted to move out because she wanted to gain her self confidence and didn't want to live in the hose she had bad memories in and hated being with me.
Later I discovered that it was not just about that but more about having a free go at being with the OM with no restrictions.

Should I be telling her that I will keep our D and I know what actually she is going to do during that weekend instead of the meeting she is telling me about?
What is that going to get me? She knows I know about the OM and this may prove that I am not over her and still want to control the situation, which I honestly don't want. I just feel said that this girl who never lied to me for 10 years, now lies to me every day or I should say with every communication she makes with me and that is heart breaking.

I was thinking that I should just message her "Yes, I will keep the daughter."

Thanks!

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If you want to keep your daughter, then that statement of "Yes, I will keep my daughter" is great.

Yeah, you are correct, if you already told her, then what she is doing is no longer your business. Keep moving forward.

If she is lying then that's her problem and her deamon to deal with. If she feels a need to lie then she knows what she is doing is wrong.

Enjoy your time with your baby girl. When or if she tries to gives an explanation in person, I would say, "no need for an explanation". And leave it at that. That is a statement that says, I know you aren't being upfront, but I don't care.

Keep up the great work.


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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Vik,

the further you detach, the less you begin to care about the lies.

My WW lied a lot before it got physical. Once it became a PA, it was a whole new ball game. She left the house 5 nights a week to see the OM, always lying. She started to "stay at her mums" at the weekend - she never admitted about the OM, but towards the end i had gone past caring.

She has him staying over and my 3 girls ( well the elder 2) dont understand it, but its none of my business.. As the vets on this board say, you can only control YOU and what you do smile - some make the most of the time with your D, as children grow up soooo quick.


Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..

Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
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Originally Posted by helpme12
the further you detach, the less you begin to care about the lies.


Yes, exactly right. Vik, here's the thing, you have GOT to detach. She wants you to take D for 4 days, there are only two factors you should be thinking about- 1. does this cause you any kind of hardship (IE, you'd have to take unpaid days from work or paid days you had planned to use for something else) and 2. would you like that extra time with D. That is ALL you should consider. WHO CARES what your XW is doing with that time, that should NOT be on your radar. I think you're looking at it like you are enabling her "bad" behavior but you've got to get used to this because now that you are separated she's going to be spending more time with OM or OM2 or 3 etc. and you need to be at peace with that. She is probably lying about it because she doesn't want to hurt your feelings, but whatever the reason it doesn't matter. I wouldn't call her out on it or say anything passive/aggressive like "enjoy your meeting". Like the others said, only a yes or no response is required.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Thank you AS, Joe and Helpme for your suggestions.

I wrote "Yes, I will keep our D". To which she replied "Thank you".

I know AS that whom she is spending time with should not matter, but it's just that you trusted someone with your life and dreams and what you got was betrayal.It hurts to see that they think their selfishness is above family.
Our D who is just 2 does not understand what is happening and when she does, the pain that I have today will be compounded and my helplessness in not giving my child what she deserved in terms of a complete family like other kids will bite me in the face.
Just venting.

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Originally Posted by Vik11

Our D who is just 2 does not understand what is happening and when she does, the pain that I have today will be compounded and my helplessness in not giving my child what she deserved in terms of a complete family like other kids will bite me in the face.
Just venting.





One of my girls is also 2, and doesnt get it, unlike the older two who understand more. In some ways, its better as this hasnt affected her. What i will say don't focus on what you can no longer give her ( i also never ever saw my family coming apart either ) - Focus on what you can give her . Focus on making the most of the time you have together and give her all your attention. You may only see her for 1/2 time now, so make your focus - QUALITY TIME - not quantity.


Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..

Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
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Originally Posted by Vik11
I know AS that whom she is spending time with should not matter, but it's just that you trusted someone with your life and dreams and what you got was betrayal.It hurts to see that they think their selfishness is above family.


I do understand your feelings on that. Eventually I told myself "is that really XW's fault though?" Is it her fault that I put all my eggs in one basket, assumed we would be married for life, planned my entire future around it and even my retirement? No it's not her fault, looking back I was EXTREMELY naive to believe we would walk hand-in-hand into the sunset. Very few relationships end up that way, especially in this day and age.

Quote
Our D who is just 2 does not understand what is happening and when she does, the pain that I have today will be compounded and my helplessness in not giving my child what she deserved in terms of a complete family like other kids will bite me in the face.


Kids these days are very knowledgeable about divorce. They all have friends that have gone through it or are going through it. Most kids expect their parents to go through it too, it's just become that common. Don't worry about what you can't control. Just show your D love and support and she'll be fine.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Need Suggestion please:

Wife messages today saying "Daughter's birthday is in early August. Need to start planning in case you want to throw a party and invite people".

Now if I throw a party, all people who are going to come know about our situation (not that she is having affair) but we have issues and she had decided to leave the house and leave the marriage. She is not in contact with any of those people now. Does not talk to anyone. I usually go to all the get togethers and parties and sometimes take my daughter along as well. I am in contact with all our friends here in the area.

If the party happens, it will be really awkward as everyone know about our situation and me and my wife do not talk much or I should say not at all other that stuff related to our D.

Not sure how to respond to her message and what will be the right approach.

In my heart, I really don't want to throw any party. I was thinking that we (me and wife) will go out for dinner and that is it.
And next day, I was planning to take two days off and travel with my daughter (Just me and my daughter) to a waterpark resort and enjoy with her.I don't want to be doing anything with my wife where my heart is not.
But again, I want to do what should and needs to be done and not what my emotions ask me to.

So, would appreciate if all the vets can help me with this situation and guide me on what should be the right way to handle this.

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I have been reading your story and it’s very similar to mine, except my wife swears she’s not cheating.

Originally Posted by Vik11
Update on what has been happening:

So, after MIL was sent back in early May, my wife told me that I may have to keep our daughter for that week as she has some job interviews stuff for which she has to go to another city for a week. To which I agreed. I am not sure if she went out of town or was with the AP for that week (most likely with AP), but it was a good week with my daughter.(Though I felt bad that being with AP was more important than being with Daughter.)
Then she asked me later that week if we she could have D with her for another day(which was my day) as she did not spend time with D that week, to which I again agreed.

I am not sure agreeing to her requests like this is ok or not. ( Just to mention that I had no prior engagements, so no real reason to deny and would love to spend as much time with D as possible). But want to know if this approach is fine and don't want to enable the affair.
Also, as I also travel for business, I may need her to keep D with her during those days (So that is give and take we may have to agree on). The only difference being, I actually have to travel for business and she lies and spends time with AP.

Another message came just two days back that she may have to travel for 2-3 weeks again but not sure when and wants me to have D during those weeks. I did not reply to that message at all as it was information message and did not need a reply (though I could have said ok or thanks for letting me know")

Communication:
She usually messages me asking How D is doing and if she is fine health wise when D is with me and I simply reply "She is fine". that is it.
Occasionally sends me pics of D when she is with her, though she stopped asking for D's pics when she is with me, which she did earlier.
For other messages like "Our D likes this new book/food and you can get the same for her if you would like", I do not reply back at all (Though I could say "OK...Thanks"). Is this approach fine? I feel I come across being cold.
Why I ask that is because her complaint was she felt unimportant and by being like this, I don't want to send the same message again. (That was needed to be my 180)
Not sure, so would love to have feedback from the vets.

Other than that, there is no communication between us. Only stuff related to D and mostly she initiates the conversation and my replies are short and precise and that too where there are questions, not for messages that have information.
Also, feels like how will she notice my changes if we have zero communication other than D stuff. Doesn't worry me but I think of it sometimes.
There have been no interactions where she shared something other than D stuff.

Detachment:

Finally I feel a little at peace. After she left for her apartment, there is a relief. I don't feel the need to know where she is, what she is doing, how will she react if I do this or that. The home was a tense place when we were together after BD and now its not that sinking feeling to open the main door.
Doesn't bother me when she lies.
On weekend, when I go to pick my daughter, I have no hard feelings, I say hi and then play with my D (I pick her from her apartment parking) and am happy to see her and usually plan something with my D and we both have a great time.
When alone at home, I enjoy making nice food for myself. Have started guitar lessons (which I wanted to do for a long time) and enjoying my golf.

I feel that detachment has also helped me focus on other things that are important.

Also, want to thanks all the members here who are supporting and providing their guidance through this rough time.





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