Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 6 1 2 3 4 5 6
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 119
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 119
Sandi, alot of this thanks to you and other vets here.

Your description of the mindset of the WW gave us all a glimpse into their thought process.

I would wake up each morning for the last few months and read your 37 rules.

I cant recall whose post it was, but someone mentioned you should be writing a book along with people like AnotherStander, Steve85, Ready2Change etc. The material is all here, scattered in other posts.

I really believe it would be a hit, and it would save people's lives.


B.D in December 2018
Physical Affairs discovered in April 2019
Divorced May 2019
H (me) 49
W (her) 29
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by joejoe1
Vik,

Don't lie for your W. Don't be an apart of her story/lie she's coming up with. She want to lie to her family let her do the lying. If she gets man about being caught or her family finding out, that means she know she is wrong and she should be up front with them and deal with the consequences or stop.


^^^THIS YES AND AMEN!!!!^^^

Quote
And here's a little secret, she's going to blame you no matter what happens or how her family finds out.


Yup.

Vik, she's off the rails. Quit thinking in terms of how your actions are going to affect her and what her reactions are going to be, because she is going to make the worst of every situation regardless of what you say or do. YOU live for YOU and leave her to deal with her mess. Next time she asks you to lie for her or cover her lies then tell her "No W, I will not be complicit in the web of lies you are choosing to live. I will not discuss our situation with your family but if they ask me questions then I will be truthful in my responses."


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 93
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 93
Originally Posted by joejoe1
Don't lie for your W. Don't be an apart of her story/lie she's coming up with. She want to lie to her family let her do the lying. If she gets man about being caught or her family finding out, that means she know she is wrong and she should be up front with them and deal with the consequences or stop.

Next time, she ask you to tell her mother or any other person in her family a reason for her doing something, you should say, "If you want your mother/family to know where you are going to be you should tell her/him. If he/she ask me I won't lie, I don't know where you are going to be and that will be my answer, I don't know". You don't owe her anything, and you not need worry about her reaction to whatever the consequences that land her lap.

And here's a little secret, she's going to blame you no matter what happens or how her family finds out.


100%.

I don't believe my W is in an active affair (could be wrong but that's the latest info), but she's basically ignoring our D2 and going out with a friend or two 4 or 5 nights a week. Her parents used to live 2,000 miles away but moved here after our D2 was born and live about 10 mins from us.

One night recently wife was out (she came home about 3 am when she gets up at 6 for work). Around midnight MIL called me. Very unusual. They never call late. She said they needed to work out arrangements for the next day and W wasn't answering her phone. Could I put her on the phone? "She's not here right now. No, I don't know where she is." MIL was shocked that W was out past midnight on a Monday and that she hadn't told me where she was going. They have no clue W has checked out of the marriage. If only she knew, W has been out late multiple nights a week for months.

Next day MIL gave W grief for being out late and W was miffed at me. I said, "Why are you mad at me? You're the one who didn't answer your mom's calls for six hours?" She said I could have told them she was feeling sick and went to bed early. Or that she went to a movie. (Apparently less objectionable than being in a nightclub every day.) I told her, "I'm not going to lie for you."

W is in for a rude awakening when I'm gone. She thinks her parents will watch D2 while she continues to go out. If she tries that they'll read her the riot act. They're very family-oriented people who NEVER go out late.

Last edited by Niall11; 05/07/19 01:34 PM.

M 44, W 32
T 10, M 8
D 2
Oct '18: Fantasy affair with OW1 (yes, W)
Feb '19: Inseparable from new lesbian BFF
Still live together but a lot of tension
Joined: Apr 2019
Posts: 51
N
Nik11 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Apr 2019
Posts: 51
Journaling:

As wife treated her mother so bad for last few days, WW re-booked her flight and sent her back to home country yesterday and told her that she will call cops if she does not leave.( She was planned to leave in July). My MIL asked me to drop her to airport and was crying throughout the travel to the airport. She asked me to stay strong and was telling me that she hopes her daughter comes to her senses soon.I just validated her feelings as well and said let us hope she does.

So my wife is now back alone in her apartment. Also, she mentioned that she will be travelling for her job for whole next week, so D will be with me entire week. Happy that D will be with me whole week, but feeling sad as well as she will be asking for her mom throughout the week and won't see her. Also, not sure if this trip is business or vacation time with AP.

The only contact me and WW have is through text regarding our D and typically she messages. For information messages, I do not reply and for others, short replies like yes, no and ok etc.

When we exchange daughter, we don't talk at all and they seem to be very cold. She comes out of her apartment smiling (showing that she is happy to see her D) and I feel as if she is showing me that her life is all sorted and good now. I am not sure if I am doing it right by not talking at all (atleast i don't want to show coldness as per Sandi's rules)

I know detaching would mean that it shouldn't matter to me, but it is difficult. Just venting out here.

As tomorrow is mother's day and D's day with me, should I message WW and ask if she would like to have D with her for some time tomorrow?
Also, should I do anything else regarding Mothers day? Like creating a card from our Ds side and giving WW that?


Would be looking for advice as always and thanks in advance for the words of wisdom you all provide.
Hope I was here sooner.


Last edited by Vik11; 05/11/19 10:58 PM.
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
V,

It’s all right to give her a card and a gift from your daughter just don’t have any expectations that it changes anything. Most likely she will do the same for Fathers Day.

As far as exchanges just say high and be as upbeat as possible. It’s will get easier down the road.

Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 685
Y
Member
Offline
Member
Y
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 685
Vik, You seem to be on the right path and asking the right questions of the board. Keep doing what you're doing. I'm sorry to hear about you MIL and what she's going through. It sounds like she is also in a great deal of pain over her daughter's behavior. It's not your job to fix that, but I feel you are sensitive to it. I feel badly for her mom. Aside from a spouse I think mothers and fathers experience just as much pain when their child goes "off the rails" in situations like this. I'm sure she is in agony with worry.

I'm sorry for your pain as well. Just know that you are doing well, and seem to be making good decisions. Keep going. You got this.

Joined: Apr 2019
Posts: 51
N
Nik11 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Apr 2019
Posts: 51
Update on what has been happening:

So, after MIL was sent back in early May, my wife told me that I may have to keep our daughter for that week as she has some job interviews stuff for which she has to go to another city for a week. To which I agreed. I am not sure if she went out of town or was with the AP for that week (most likely with AP), but it was a good week with my daughter.(Though I felt bad that being with AP was more important than being with Daughter.)
Then she asked me later that week if we she could have D with her for another day(which was my day) as she did not spend time with D that week, to which I again agreed.

I am not sure agreeing to her requests like this is ok or not. ( Just to mention that I had no prior engagements, so no real reason to deny and would love to spend as much time with D as possible). But want to know if this approach is fine and don't want to enable the affair.
Also, as I also travel for business, I may need her to keep D with her during those days (So that is give and take we may have to agree on). The only difference being, I actually have to travel for business and she lies and spends time with AP.

Another message came just two days back that she may have to travel for 2-3 weeks again but not sure when and wants me to have D during those weeks. I did not reply to that message at all as it was information message and did not need a reply (though I could have said ok or thanks for letting me know")

Communication:
She usually messages me asking How D is doing and if she is fine health wise when D is with me and I simply reply "She is fine". that is it.
Occasionally sends me pics of D when she is with her, though she stopped asking for D's pics when she is with me, which she did earlier.
For other messages like "Our D likes this new book/food and you can get the same for her if you would like", I do not reply back at all (Though I could say "OK...Thanks"). Is this approach fine? I feel I come across being cold.
Why I ask that is because her complaint was she felt unimportant and by being like this, I don't want to send the same message again. (That was needed to be my 180)
Not sure, so would love to have feedback from the vets.

Other than that, there is no communication between us. Only stuff related to D and mostly she initiates the conversation and my replies are short and precise and that too where there are questions, not for messages that have information.
Also, feels like how will she notice my changes if we have zero communication other than D stuff. Doesn't worry me but I think of it sometimes.
There have been no interactions where she shared something other than D stuff.

Detachment:

Finally I feel a little at peace. After she left for her apartment, there is a relief. I don't feel the need to know where she is, what she is doing, how will she react if I do this or that. The home was a tense place when we were together after BD and now its not that sinking feeling to open the main door.
Doesn't bother me when she lies.
On weekend, when I go to pick my daughter, I have no hard feelings, I say hi and then play with my D (I pick her from her apartment parking) and am happy to see her and usually plan something with my D and we both have a great time.
When alone at home, I enjoy making nice food for myself. Have started guitar lessons (which I wanted to do for a long time) and enjoying my golf.

I feel that detachment has also helped me focus on other things that are important.

Also, want to thanks all the members here who are supporting and providing their guidance through this rough time.

Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 2,136
Likes: 19
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 2,136
Likes: 19
So welcome detachment Vik. Keep doing what works. Keep GAL and working on yourself.

Just go on with your scheduled time with your D. If W asks you to take D some more days just do as you want. Advise is given about having time for your own GAL. You are not a babysitter. W needs to take care of D too and not freely come and go as she pleases. She needs to have another wake up call like when her mother came. Some reality check.

How’s GAL going?

Stand strong for yourself Vik. Keep DB!


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Joined: Apr 2019
Posts: 51
N
Nik11 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Apr 2019
Posts: 51
Thanks Neffer for your words.

GAL is going good and I feel a lot detached now. In my heart I don't feel the need to know what she is doing, where she is, what her reaction to my actions will be (obviously the ones that are to protect myself or our D).

I have gone dark. I do not initiate any conversation. We only communicate through messages and she is the one who initiates and my replies are short and concise and to the point. When D exchange happens, just a simple "Hi" and that is it.

I am just struggling to make sure that I am not cold and just detached and always feel like I may be coming as cold.I do not absolutely start any conversation, don't reply to information messages, and don't reply promptly.

Looks like we have already moved on from our marriage and are actually living a divorced life. Sometimes things happen and I want to share it with my companion and I have none and she is enjoying her life and living her fantasy.
I know it should not matter, but there are days when I feel lonely (no matter how much GAL I do, work on myself).

Need suggestion on this from all the vets here:

So she messages me today that she has some client meetings in another city that have been scheduled weirdly on 21st and 24th June, which is Friday and Monday and she will have to be out during the weekend as well.So, she asked me if I could keep our D during the weekend.
I know that is not the case and it is to go for a weekend getaway with the OM. The thing that affects me is not that she will be with OM, but it just makes me feel sad that she is constantly lying and thinking I am a fool not to understand all this (Well I have also been working in corporate for last 13 years).

Honestly this gives me an opportunity to be with my D more, but wonder just how can these people change so much that their own kids are not a priority anymore (This is the same girl who was so possessive about her D that it lead to fights between us) . I know she has issues with me but neglecting kids is what I just don't understand.

In my heart, even after knowing that she is lying, I want to say yes and have my D with me and give her as much love as possible.

I am planning to write that " Sure, i will keep her D and hope your meeting go fine"

Would appreciate your feedback or suggestions as I want to do what works and not what I want.

Thanks as always for all your support and guidance.

Last edited by Vik11; 06/11/19 11:39 PM.
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 2,681
Likes: 2
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 2,681
Likes: 2
Even simpler, "Sure I will take daughter". You know she's lying about the meeting, why wish her well? Less words are better than more.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Page 3 of 6 1 2 3 4 5 6

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard