H was here last night to look after the kids while I went out to GAL. He was down and withdrawn and tired - still on the tail end of his sickness and his deadline is growing ever closer. We were a bit gruff and impatient with each other. I was tired too, having stayed up late the night before to finish off a bit of work that had suddenly become urgent. When I came home I apologised to him, then listened and validated as he went on a 20 minute lecture about my faults as a human being. I was pretty wrung out and weepy afterwards. He just kept going on and on and on about how he'd supported me in my work in the past, how he'd put up with all kinds of behaviour etc etc. He wasn't wrong in what he was saying and I validated as well as I could but I didn't understand why he was telling me, what he hoped to achieve, etc.
I asked him that - what he wanted to get out of the conversation. No answer. In the end I had a bit of a brain wave and said, 'are you telling me you are struggling like I was struggling back then, and you need my support now the way you supported me then? Are you asking me to care for you?' and he said yes. I said 'what is it I can do for you?' and he said he didn't want any big talks, only to go to sleep. So he slept over. I woke up feeling really sad and despondent. I really don't know how to support him - partly because of my self absorption in the past and partly because he's kept me at arms length for years and is now, I think, blaming me for not knowing how to be close to him and how to help him. He can't even bring himself to ask for care directly, and all I hear is criticism.
I'm sad this morning. Feeling a bit self pitying but also just some genuine sadness and grief. He'll be done with this big bit of work in about a month - slightly less. And I'll go away on my own for a while to think things through. And while I have tried not to have expectations about what he's telling me - that things will be different and he'll be all-in in repairing things once his head is a bit clearer, I know that I'm probably going to come down to earth with a bump and it is going to hurt. He may feel less burdened and anxious and stressed by his work, but I need him to work on the way he communicates and stop blaming and let himself be vulnerable with me and none of that is going to happen overnight just because his work situation has changed.
I don't think he has the emotional capacity to demonstrate or even feel some empathy for the things I might need to work on letting go of or forgiving and how hard that is going to be for me to do while he doesn't acknowledge that there's anything he's done to hurt me. I don't know if it is going to be possible for me.
I have GAL planned for today and tomorrow and I am going to make myself a fancy coffee and read for a while.
I think I'm sad because I do genuinely want to care for him and help him. There's probably all kinds of covert contracts in there and manipulation and needing to be needed and co-dependency. But there's also a man who I love who is in a terrible state. I do want to be a support and comfort to him and I know that because of my own shortcomings I have failed to do that in the past. And right now, no matter how much I'd like to comfort or help him, I don't think I can. He sees everything I do in the worst possible light, he's so critical I doubt there's anything about me he likes or wants right now, when I have tried to comfort or help in practical ways (like cooking him meals for the freezer, getting him stuff from the chemist, etc) he's ended up throwing things back in my face. I think he's probably pretty confused and mixed up and wants comfort, and doesn't understand why he feels critical or scared when I do comforting things - because he can't trust them. I think that's where he is. And I can't help with that. And I'm just sad, because it is a painful place to be for both of us and there's really nothing to do about it right now.
I also know he was drinking a bit last night when I was out. We'd agreed he wouldn't bring whiskey to the house - I asked him once and he has always stuck to it. But he was drinking whiskey last night. I asked him about that and he said he went into the cellar to get something he'd found an old and hidden bottle of whiskey and decided to have some because he was upset about our interaction before I went out. (What had happened was this: he'd been sitting around while I'd made and served tea, cleaned up after tea, supervised the kids doing their chores, etc - and I really wanted him to get up and take charge and collaborate with me rather than acting like a guest. He was exhausted and tired and waiting for me to go so he could step in. I was impatient and he was very defensive.) I didn't know he used to hide drinks - that's quite frightening to me. I asked if he was worried about his own drinking, and he said - -looking at me in quite a hard and blaming way - that he was worried about the triggers that caused it. So if he's blaming his choice to drink whiskey in the house when he's taking care of the kids (after promising not to) on me there's nothing i can do. It's more of the same - me being responsible for his behaviour. And I'm not.
When I came home I apologised to him, then listened and validated as he went on a 20 minute lecture about my faults as a human being
Alison - this is not validating. This is you allowing him to walk all over you, and from what you've written over the past few weeks it sounds like emotional abuse.
You make excuse after excuse for him. He was drinking. He's stressed. You approached him wrong. You aren't caring for him enough. You're caring for him too much.
Why do you value his emotional well-being over your own? The fact that he is stressed at work? Not a valid reason.
Your recent post points some of this out, and I hope you do start to pull back from him. I don't want this tension to continue to build between the two of you. We want you happy, healthy, and building a fantastic AlisonUK life.
This sounds quite similar to my last conversation with dh in France. I was telling my friend about it and she said maybe he was behaving that way to push me away. I also have issues with wanting to look after my dh and him pushing back on it, I'm also conscious that I don't want to do it as a way of earning love or people-pleasing, but because I love him and care about him. That's very difficult isn't it? Particularly since looking after someone can come across as over-eager and also controlling (I can see that in my mum's behaviour over the years, I don't want to be like that but it's only human to want to nurture people you love isn't it?)
My IC also said I make a lot of allowances for my dh and for his behaviour and my reactions to his behaviour, and I can see this a bit here with you. Actually my dh was better behaved during his busy time at work despite being stressed out and working hard, and his behaviour has slipped a bit since he finished, possibly due to exhaustion and possibly due to a hangover from all the adrenaline (plus possibly a real hangover...). So don't get your hopes up too much that things will change that quickly.
I think you need a break from him, he's no use to anyone right now and maybe it's just making things worse between you. I hope your day got better!
He was down and withdrawn and tired - still on the tail end of his sickness and his deadline is growing ever closer.
Don't forget he fired you as W. THOSE ARE HIS PROBLEMS, not yours!
Quote
then listened and validated as he went on a 20 minute lecture about my faults as a human being.
Why in the world would you validate his continued emotional abuse of you? Next time stop him in his tracks, tell him you are not interested in being dressed down by him yet again and that if he wishes to continue then you will show him the door. Put an end to it!
Quote
I was pretty wrung out and weepy afterwards.
= not detached
Quote
He just kept going on and on and on about how he'd supported me in my work in the past, how he'd put up with all kinds of behaviour etc etc. He wasn't wrong in what he was saying and I validated as well as I could but I didn't understand why he was telling me, what he hoped to achieve, etc.
He's just trying to beat you down, it's what abusers do. Just because he hasn't physically struck you does not mean he's not treating you horribly. Abusers needs to belittle others to make them feel better about themselves, and to drag others down to their level of misery.
Quote
Are you asking me to care for you?' and he said yes. I said 'what is it I can do for you?'
Quit trying to be his W, you're just pushing a big cake in front of him and telling him to help himself.
They are tough to read, but I have found there is always some truth in what he says. When someone 2x4s me on my thread - it always gives me pause to think.
Originally Posted by AlisonUK
I think I'm sad because I do genuinely want to care for him and help him. There's probably all kinds of covert contracts in there and manipulation and needing to be needed and co-dependency.
^^^ read this ^^^^.
Break the cycle. I know it's hard - I had to withdraw completely in order to get off the roller coaster. I don't know if it helped or hindered my sitch - we may have R'd quicker (probably not), but even if we had it would have been the same relationship as we had before. And it would have failed. At least this way, if we get another chance, then I know it will be built on mutual respect and if we don't, then my self respect (and probably his respect) will be intact.
Thanks AS and FS. This stuff isn't easy to hear and it is even harder to do but it makes sense.
What else do I have going on?
Well, I've seen a friend every day this week and I will be seeing a couple of women friends tomorrow morning. Mainly coffee, dog walking, lunch, etc. I don't talk about my situation with all of them - in fact, there's only one or two I confide in. It's just to stop me getting lonely - I work at home and would be alone all the time other than the kids now.
This afternoon I saw a friend who was having trouble in his own marriage - we talked about both our situations for a while. They're still living together and he is finding it incredibly hard - and it made me feel a bit grateful that at least I get peace and calm and plenty of GAL without having to tread on eggshells, as he is doing and as I was doing when H and me were living together. I still have that 'treading on eggshells' feeling when I am around him - I can't ever get away from the feeling that I am being assessed and found wanting.
H texted today. He had an important meeting re his work and when he sent me his goodnight text last night (very affectionate again) I replied and wished him luck with the meeting. He texted afterwards to let me know how it went and asked how my work was going. I kept it cordial and brief.
Tonight Youngest is with H and I had some special time with Eldest, including a trip to the beach. He's getting on a lot better with H - they're texting and spending more time together when H is here (though Eldest won't go to where H is living right now). Even as much as six weeks ago I really couldn't imagine that happening - them thawing towards each other. It is fragile and it needs me to stay out of it, but I am grateful for it, whatever happens with my marriage. And I'm also grateful for the time I'm being able to spend one on one with Eldest - his behaviour has improved a lot these past four weeks, and his confidence, and while it isn't perfect, I'm noticing that we're talking less about boundaries and more about his feelings about things, and that's new. There's a new maturity there, and I think perhaps he's a bit more secure given that the house is MUCH more peaceful than it has ever been, he's seeing me happier and more cheerful and enjoying my life more often, and there's some consistency around screen time, language, homework time etc which there wasn't before, and which was a big source of conflict between H and I.
I have my goals - about my reading and hobbies and my work - and that's been happening too. I will see H tomorrow afternoon. He is caring for both kids and the dog (which he has warmed to a lot) while I do some clothes shopping in the afternoon - need some new walking gear for the solo holiday I have booked later in May. I am really really looking forward to it: I think all that silence and solitude and time to read and reflect and be outside is going to do me a lot of good.
All is well here. Just journalling. I had a nice time yesterday. H was very pleasant and cordial and while I was out with Eldest he took care of Youngest and the dog, and also did a lot of housework for me - changing beds and cleaning floors, etc, which I really appreciated because the puppy is quite high-needs at the moment and domestic standards were slipping a bit. It was kind of him to do that without making barbed comments about how much work the puppy is (that was always something he was worried about, and that the work would fall on him.)
He stayed for a while after I got back, just chatting while I was cooking - about this meeting he had regarding his work and the arrangements for the next few days. I could see he was very anxious and stressed. He could see I was a bit frazzled myself so he said he'd stay on and finish off the cooking if I took the dog out for a walk on my own for half on hour to get some headspace, which I did, and it made me feel much better and I appreciated that a lot.
It wasn't as if he came out and said it, but I did feel he was showing me with his actions that he appreciates all the work I am doing with the kids and in the house and wanted to give me a bit of a breather. Perhaps I am reading too much into it. He's a more of an actions than speaking type of man. And perhaps better DBing would be not to accept any help at all but to show him that I don't need any help from him at all. I could pay a cleaner, for example, and I think I may well do in the autumn when things pick up again for me at work and I am around at home less during the day.
Today has been a lazy morning so far. Baked muffins for breakfast. Plan to take the kids on an outing this afternoon but for now we're just hanging about in front of our screens. I don't let them do that too much - it's one of the new boundaries - but I think an hour on a Sunday morning to veg out is much needed.
It's weird, but though I appreciated the help and cordial conversation with H, and I do feel sorry for him, I was a bit relieved when he went. It feels like work to be around him - work to sustain a conversation and be careful and boundaried. It's only on my own I feel I can truly relax and just be myself without fear of criticism. Perhaps he feels the same.
