Dealing with a WW and getting through divorce 6

[SoTorn]

Thanks lost. Yes, I decided that her actions, how she treated me (still treats me) and the PA were an absolute dealbreaker. I deserve better than that.

WW doesnt want to stay married. She initiated D and I accept that this is whats better for both of us. I am happy and that is what matters. My kids are doing well and they are happy. My kids are very happy that I am happy. They want me to be happy and are glad that I decided to be.

[SteveLW]

Nothing to be confused about. I am done. I am following the portion of DB where I take care of myself. I have no desire or expectation that I will R with WW. She will be my XWW and I am fine with that. D is pending in the courts and that is what I want and that is what she has wanted all along, she just did it in a very hurtful way.

I say she is hot and cold because I really just want to get along with her as a co-parent. I am not trying to fight with her or argue or anything. But it doesnt matter what I do, she just fluctuates all over the place with her emotions. I am not complaining. I am just making a statement about how she is acting. It doesnt bother me. I just hope that she stops spinning in circles and gets ahold of her emotions so that we can be the best parents for our kids regardless of the situation.

WW is still deep in her relationship with OM. She is with him every other week for a week at a time. I am fine with that. I will be moving out very soon and I am hoping that will help STBXWW focus more on the kids and co-parenting with me.

EDIT: I guess I am still DBing to the point where I am trying to salvage some sort of cordial relationship with my XWW. I don't want to have a contentious relationship with her. I want to get a long and maybe in the future when everything calms down we can get along and be friends.

Ah, ok. So if she were to want to R tomorrow, you'd say thanks but no thanks? I'm trying to see how honest you're being with yourself. If the answer to that question is honestly "yep, that is what I'd say", then good on you. Have a day.

If you'd still jump at the chance to R with her, then you owe it to this new gal, and yourself, to end it with her. Get into IC and deal with your unresolved feelings. Those that do not earn their way out of a relationship will carry baggage into the next one.

Just my perspective. That and a $1 will get you a candy bar.

[SoTorn]

I like candy. Thats why I was fat Steve!


And no, if she wanted to R that would be a big no thanks on my part. Of course I care about her as a person. But I have no romantic desire for her. I am being very honest. I dont trust her and I would never get back into a relationship with someone who thought it was ok to hurt me as badly as she did. I could never trust her again no matter what.

I have always told her that if she cheated on me we were done. I was just lost and confused at first. But I found my way and i feel much better now. Having sex with another man is a dealbreaker for me. Her mistreatment during all of this just helped me detach that much easier.

I let her go. Which in turn freed me and allowed me to pursue my happiness.

Im sure she will be fine. I just need to move out because its obviously causing her some sort of problem with controlling her emotions.

[SteveLW]

Onward and upward, SoTorn!

[neffer]

Hey ST, you just do not move out for her feelings...you need to act based on your criteria. And you have some time DB so as to know about basics, standards, principles and rules. We know you are protecting yourself, dropping the rope and keeping expectations stored.

I´m following Steve here...

Is there where you are ST?

[SoTorn]

Hi Neffer. Yes, I am not moving out for her. I am moving out for me. I am still dealing with her NPD issues. She is very hateful even when I an literally doing nothing. I stay cordial and upbeat around her, but she just cant be nornal or nice to save her life.

Moving out is for me because I need her out of my life as much as possible. I am doing great but I am still hurt with her and the way she treats me is not ok. So me moving out will remove her, for the most part, from my life.

Im just making an observation that me moving out would probably help her normalize and focus on parenting. As of now she still tries to control me.

For example, she knew I was waiting on her to give me my settlement money to move out. She agreed to pay me after taxes were filed.

She changed her mind once taxes were filed. So at bare minimum she is trying to delay me for some reason.

Thats why I planned far in advance to shore up my finances myself and last week I did just that. Therefore, this week I am in full house hunt mode.

I know she will still be in my life because of the kids. But my contact with her should be minimal because my kids are old enough for me to make plans directly with them.

I honestly feel better than I have in a very long time. Last year I didnt believe I could ever be happy again. Now I am very happy.

[neffer]

Glad you are happy. And you told us from the beggining that your kids know all your sitch. Those are advantage points.

Keep strong then man, my best wishes for you and your kids. Things are going to be better soon.

[AnotherStander]

Had a nice Easter weekend. My new female friend came down and spent the weekend with me.

ST, I can't imagine why you think it would be a good idea to invite OW down for a weekend of family activities when you are still married to your W and living with her.

I really really enjoy my time with her. She is extremely nice, extremly honest, very transparent, non-judgemental and non-critical, expects nothing from me beyond being nice and honest and asks me for nothing but my companionship.

= limerence

Very odd request, but I oblidged and we went to dinner with S12, D16, myself and my new female friend.

I know you've seen us constantly preach taking the moral high road. Do you think that's what you're doing?

^^^ If any/ all of the above makes you angry or upset or instantly on the offensive then ask yourself why.^^^

WW asked if I would approve passports for D16 and S12 because she wants to take them to Mexico. I am not ok with this because Mexico is on a dangerous travel warning right now. That and my WW is not known for emergency planning or any sort of situational awareness. I told her I would think about it.

If you are not OK with it then why tell her you would think about it. Just tell her no, you don't think it's safe. Explain it to the kids too.

[SoTorn]

Hi AS. I dont feel Ibam doing anything immoral. My D is filed and pending. My STBXW and I have no intention of R.

I didnt invite the OW down for Easter, she had business down here.

Also, nothing makes me angry. People are entitled to their opinion and I accept that. However, its my life and I will continue to do what I feel is right and what makes me happy.

My D16 wanted to meet OW. D16 told me a long time ago that she is fine with me dating as long as the woman is nice to me and I am happy.

Also, I honestly dont feel any limerence. I just feel happy.

[SoTorn]

Update:

Divorce is still pending. WW has actually calmed down a lot. I have done my best to keep DB, for me of course, while looking for a place to live. The market in my town is ridiculous right now. 15+ applicants for every rental and rentals going for double what the mortgage would be on the same home.

I have gotten a lot of "you are different now" "you do this differently " etc comments from STBXWW. Funny how she finally acknowledges that I am different as I am heading out the door. Its ok, shes been nice actually. Her noticing im different seems to have gotten her to a point where she can be nice actually. Thats perfect. I hope we can keep it nice and coparent nicely.

I decided to throw a hail mary and post on the Nextdoor app asking anyone if they knew someone renting in my area. I got lucky and some lady is moving for her job soon and was stressing about what she was going to do with her house. I went and saw the house. Its perfect and its literally in my kids same achool dostrict five minutes from my first house. Plus the price is perfect and its furnished with utilities paid for the price.

Hallelujah!!! So I am working out the details with the owner and will be moving June 1st. I havent told WW and wont until I sign the lease and put the deposit down. I am excited to be moving on and putting this all behind me. I feel great.

GAL still in full effect. I do dinner with all three kids every other week. Hot Yoga 3x per week. I am leaning out nicely. My goal is to see my abs by summer. I think I will hit that goal. Two new classes at school start on the 14th. Life will be full and fulfilling. Thank god.