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This stuff is hard. Probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Some days I don't think I have the strength to do it. Some days I fail miserably. But I do it anyway. Laughter helps. And the odd bit of venting smile.

It does get easier. I promise. The ebbs and flows become just that, ebbs and flows. One day soon you will realise that although your H may not be in your life as a H, he is not your life.

Stay strong. You can do this.


W40 (me), H40
M14, Together 16
D12, D9

BD Oct 17
Moved out Mar 18

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Have you ever had a lengthy period of no contact, Dilly? Not suggesting you give up on him or ignore him. But this situation has been going on for a long time. Perhaps you getting a good amount of space - no contact at all - for a few weeks will shake things up for you a bit. Give you the chance to feel what it is like without those texts and visits etc. Give him a chance to stop wallowing in his ambivalence and experience what it would be like not to have you in his life. Is that something you've ever tried or considered or discussed with your IC?

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So today I cleared out H's clothes from the chests of drawers. His clothes have been a big issue over the years, he refuses to get rid of any but has a big shopping habit and somehow I've been expected to 'manage' all this in a house with limited storage. There are 4 drawers in one chest, he had 3 of them. So then I had no space for my clothes (we also have a large built in wardrobe and his clothes take up 3/4 of those). So I got a 3 drawer chest and he had 1 drawer and I had 2. That kind of says it all about how much space he takes up even when he's not here.
Honestly, I don't see him coming back here even if we R.

So I cleared out 4 drawers of his tshirts, put them in bags and stuck them in the understairs cupboard where all of his sports kit is kept (that takes up half the cupboard). Then I took the books from the top room and stuck them in the cupboard too. I have 3 more bags of books to find another cupboard for, he said months ago that he didn't like the bookcases I found online and he would buy one. Since he hasn't, I plan to buy something else for that corner of the room. I think I will buy another painting for that room too, I'm not keen on the big one in there which he chose.

The outdoor office is full of the books and stuff from the top room (which was 'his' territory). I plan to get rid of the stuff in there, maybe just stick it in the shed or something. If it gets ruined or if he's not happy, then he has plenty of space in his flat. It crossed my mind to get a courier and just box ALL of his stuff up and send it over, but that's maybe too aggressive. This seems like a good compromise, I'm not getting rid of his stuff but I'm moving it out of my way. I'm looking forward to seeing his reaction tomorrow night lol.

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cross post there Alison! So yes, it's something I am considering big time right now...Something to discuss with my IC. I have discussed it before but I said I wouldn't go NC as long as I could see progress (which I did) and as long as he could meet my requests (weekly dates, a proper hug goodbye). But now I think I'm ready to do something bigger. We'll see.

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I think moving the stuff is MASSIVE and positive. You're not making a point or trying to hurt him. Couriering it to him would probably have been in a bit much.

It is a way, I think, of physically accepting the reality: he doesn't live with you, he hasn't for a long time, and he may not ever come back. In the meantime, it is your home and you need room for yourself to develop, to grow, and to take ownership of your personal and domestic space. Life is different. Your home isn't for a couple and their children, it's for a mother and professional woman and her children. And that means the house will have a slightly different function and the room will be used in a slightly different way.

It feels very symbolic to me. That he moves into his own space that you aren't allowed to see or enter, but he still uses the old shared space as a repository for 'stuff' he can't let go of but doesn't want to take responsibility for. A psychoanalyst would probably have a field day over it.

We don't know each other, but thinking about you making space for yourself in your own bedroom and house has really cheered me up today.

I wonder if it is worth preparing some assertive and boundaried statements in case he kicks off about the changes?

'I needed the space for my own things. If you want those things I can have them couriered to your home.'

'Yes, the change is upsetting. Still, I want to use the space in my home differently now.'

Something like that?

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Yes, I agree, his dumping all his emotional responsibilities is kind of embodied in him dumping all his physical stuff. I don't know whether to warn him in advance or not, maybe if I tell him he won't kick off. Or he can kick off and I can be ASSERTIVE. I think warn him in advance because he has a super busy day tomorrow and will be stressed about getting here in time to see ds2's performance.

I had some long discussions with my IC about how I tend to either be angry or withdraw but not be assertive. My IC thought that me moving his clothes was down out of anger, and I said it was fuelled out of anger because we all need motivation sometimes, but if I'd been properly angry I would have lashed out with the courier. Believe me, I've thought about it enough times. Especially his work stuff which is in the garden office. I moved the stuff which was in here out and now I'm planning to get rid of the curtains and get a new rug. I won't consult him on any more house decor stuff either, from now on I'm just doing it without his input. I also had some discussions with IC about what I want and need going forward, I can feel more progress is imminent. I feel really disappointed in dh's behaviour since his busy time ended, and now I'm no longer prepared to wait around having the bad old version of him in evidence. Time for dilly 2.0 to keep moving forward smile

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I think with these sorts of things, it is as much about the motivation as it is about the action. If you warn H in advance is it because you want to control his reaction, or make things easier on yourself, or do something kind for him, or something else? It's probably a mixture of everything, but at least getting it straight in your head will help you frame it.

I think Dilly 2.0 wouldn't give him any warning. This is the man who won't let you step foot into the place where he's been living for nearly a year. You don't need to check, or seek permission or reassurance, for making room for your own clothing in your own bedroom.

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Yes you're right, ok Dilly 2.0 is not warning him. No more tiptoeing around him and his anger, I will be assertive (but also prepare some assertive responses as you suggested, being assertive isn't that easy for me though with other people I have been MUCH better lately). I'm looking forward to a chance to practice actually. I messed up badly being assertive over Easter. My IC pointed out something which happened where it was apparent dh was really behaving unreasonably and pushing all my buttons, I started out with an assertive response and then didn't STICK with it. I should have stuck with it, instead I let him push my buttons and flew off the handle and then withdrew.

So how about
'If you're looking for any of your clothes which were in the front bedroom, they're now in the understairs cupboard. Feel free to take some of them back with you if you like'

thoughts?

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That is a statement that seems to pre-empt, rather than to respond. I think a factual under-reaction would be the most assertive thing. If he asks where his things are, tell him they're in the cupboard and don't get into it further, whatever tone he uses, whatever accusations he throws or explanations he demands. I think he knows full well he can have his own stuff in his own flat if he wants it. You don't need to tell him that. Or arrange it for him. I guess he might make all kinds of critical assumptions about your motivations and the temptation is to defend yourself against what he believes about you by explaining yourself, or even to pre-empt what he might think by presenting it to him in a particular way.

My IC taught me about assertiveness and not having your buttons pushed too. I remember JADE which means you never Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain. It means you stick to the facts, answer a question once, then end the conversation.

And is it the front bedroom? Or is it 'my bedroom' and 'my chest of drawers' and 'my wardrobe' ?

Last edited by AlisonUK; 04/24/19 02:10 PM.
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Ok, thanks for the feedback. JADE, I like that. The bedroom thing, that's tricky because for years it was 'my bedroom' when dh refused to share a bed with me, then he did share it with me a lot more during last year so I became far more careful to call it the 'front' bedroom. I guess it's definitely mine now though. And yes, he can keep his criticisms to himself, I'm not interested in them.

The wardrobe is still 3/4 full of his clothes, there isn't room to put any of it anywhere else though I'm sure I can be imaginative if I want to. I could get rid of one whole chest of drawers actually and put a nice comfy chair next to the window. The room would look a lot less cluttered. I spent years trying not to have that extra chest of drawers in there but in the end I gave in because I literally had just one tiny drawer for all my folded clothes. He really did take up too much space didn't he? He was such a bully. I don't want that bully back.

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