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So our anniversary came and went with zero acknowledgment. I made a steak dinner and worked around the house. I’m getting a lot done. I will have to say though that her cycling is better. Last week she was a ghost this week is by far the best she has been in 6 months. I walk into the room and she talks to me right away, looks at me even has a smile once in awhile. This is beyond different than the last 6 months. I absolutely have my expectations at zero and I will not ever talk relationship. It’s really hard to see a somewhat normal wife again but still no hint of us. At least she is not running out the door and I have the gift of time. I’m not too happy that her twice divorced friend that tells my wife happiness is around the corner and to be patient is coming over tomorrow. I don’t trust this person and feel that she supports my wife’s current perspective.

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Hello bpd

I’m glad you made it through the anniversary. Zero acknowledgement is a pretty good sign that relationship talks are off the table for a while - so well done on your part. Keep busy and converse when that somewhat normal wife reappears.

I do agree with you, the enabling friends are a pain - I don’t like their view point either. You know you cannot control what they say or what W chooses to hear. Those friendships have to run their course as well. Remain the better choice, and be a man only a fool would leave.

Bpd, you do have the gift of time, continue wisely investing in you. That has a great rate of return; you really cannot loose.

Stay strong and keep moving forward,

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Well that was interesting. I decided to see a psychologist to work on me. The entire discussion was about my wife and how he doesn't believe it's a MLC and that the honest truth is she just wants out of the marriage. He didn't buy the issues with affair, money spending, tattoos, her thoughts of going crazy, massive depression symptoms, the complete coldness, change in personality etc.

He told me to confront her and just ask her point blank what's up and do you want in or out. Don't think I'm going back. [censored] cause now he makes me think about her just wanting out with zero reasoning or desire to work on marriage, just wants to be single. Geez

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Hello bpd

The psychologist appointment didn’t sound all that helpful for you. It is interesting the different views and beliefs people have regarding MLC. As you have heard before, until you actually see this first hand, it is kind of unbelievable.

You know her symptoms; you’ve seen it. I think you realize there is not “zero reasoning”. The reasons are pretty mixed up however, she doesn’t even have a handle on them. And she really cannot work on the marriage while she is a mess.

I’ve heard similar messages as the psychologist said. It never really reconciled all the signs and symptoms. MLC did.

I know the doubt that was thrown at you was not needed. Us LBS have enough self doubt as we are getting our head and heart wrapped around this, we sure don’t need more. Shake it off, resume your focus, and keep moving forward.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Thanks DNJ

I’m not sure where I’m at but it is different. 2 weeks ago my wife seemed more depressed than ever. She would listen non stop to podcasts, music etc. She would not talk, stare off into space, irritability etc. The past week she has been looking , talking, conversations, smiling with me. The podcasts have more or less stopped. I can honestly say she is acting more like herself than anytime in the past 6 months. She does not seem depressed at all. I keep thinking maybe this is not MLC maybe just a transition. It’s nice that she’s not cold and distant but [censored] she won’t work on us. I fear there are still replay antics, secretive with phone (fairly certain no OM, but who knows), still wants to go out and party once in awhile, worried about mortality. My over active brain feels like she is happy with the current situation and she is just waiting me out. I keep thinking she is going to save money for a few years and the bolt. But then I think of things she done and said lately such as signed kids up for next years activities and paid for it, talked about our house and whether to renovate or not. She even said she saved money for family trip. All positives and things done from someone who is not out the door.

My goal, zero pressure, zero expectations, zero pursuit.

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Good Morning bpd

Crisis or transition, they are both emotional turmoil she needs to work through. She will cycle and bounce around from depressed to normal-ish and back.

Do work on calming that over-active brain. smile Oh my how I obsessed about my W and our life that crashed and burned. It takes time, and a focus on other things. You are doing fine.

A positive is that she isn’t trying to work on the marriage. You want her to work on herself, then the marriage.

Your goals are good. Also be supportive if and when it works and she allows it. Keep that focus on you, and let her travel the path she needs to travel.

What about long term goals? Compassion, understanding, forgiveness.

What about goals for bpd? Life, work, play. Something for you.

I know, they overlap. Whatever you put your efforts into will spill into other areas of your life as well. So reach high, look to the lofty ideals, and walk your path with purpose.

Stay strong my friend. You got this.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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I just had sex with my wife!! We haven’t hugged, touched or held hands in 6 months. She has been very depressed last while but good this past week. She engages in conversations more and has been better overall last week. Big issue is she went out partying last night and got home at 3am. Passed out on bed with daughter and me. This morning this yelled down for me which she has not done in 6months. She asked what time we had to go to a thing today ad that she would be moving slowly. She then asked if I wanted to have sex. I of course said, more than anything. We did, it was simple sex, nothing more. We didn't orgasim, but she said it was nice. I said if she wanted to do it again later that I'm more than willing. Wow am I confused, this is a person that barely looks or speaks to me somediays. Treated me like an enemy past 6 Months. I have read a lot to be cautious and I desperatky want advice on how to move forward. I will go at her speed, no talks about us. Absolutely no expectations of reconciliation.

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BPD. I know you are feeling like this is a step toward R but more than likely it is not. In fact, you may have taken a step backwards as you just firmly established that you are a solid Plan B. You may have also just reminded her that she isn’t “in love” . Sorry. I know that isn’t what you want to hear. The reason she wanted to have sex after no affection for six months likely has nothing to do with her wanting to R.

What should you do next? IMO...nothing. There is nothing YOU can do. The ball is in her court. She needs to fix whatever is broken inside of her and then maybe you can work on the marriage.

I don’t mean to sound harsh. I am just concerned that you are setting yourself up for more disappointment. (((HUGS)))

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Dejavu

I do agree but how can this not be at least a minor good thing. What if she is going through a mild transition and not a full crisis? I will do nothing except for the sandi rules. I may not even talk about what just happened.

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Bpd: don’t read anything into it. This seems to a pattern of MLC, they will randomly decide to have cold, unaffectionate sex. The general pattern is like what you describe, and there will be no kissing or any kind of intimacy. Why do they do it? Hey who knows and there is no use in trying to figure it out. Just guard yourself, don’t get your hopes up, and pretend it never happened.

If this is not the case then no harm, but if it is random you won’t find yourself very hurt by this. Please be careful and stand back.

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