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I do agree that they do escape and avoid but the "fog" begins very, very early when the BD happens. In fact, it begins to roll in around the 18-24 month time period when something triggers their crisis. They know that something is wrong, but they can't put their finger on what it is. They have uneasy feelings and begin to think that we are the problem and thus, the "I've been unhappy X number or years" and the number of years will change as they continue to escape and avoid reality. The running/escaping/avoiding is what we call replay. They act out, they experiment and try on different masks, they make new friends and drop old ones, etc.

They do feel like they are suffocating in the home and yes, they are running from the fact that mortality is hitting them in the face. As for the drinking and other habits she picked up, they were things that she's tried or are still doing to make herself feel better. Like an addict, she's looking for the next "feel good" moment. When something becomes dull and doesn't give her that high any longer, she'll seek out something else.

I am sure that the OM did sense that something was off w/her. She was infatuated w/the fact that he was nice to her and most likely listened and talked to her. Trust me, if she is ripe for an affair, it doesn't matter who it is and yes, it could have been someone else. All they need is a little attention and they think they have found their soul mate. For example, my xh was visiting a co-worker one day and that co-worker's wife smiled and laughed at some of my xh's jokes. Well, her name was mentioned over and over again by my xh and he thought she really adored him. She didn't give him a moment's thought, but that's how his mind went off the rails because she gave him attention at that point in time.

They experience guilt throughout the crisis, but try very hard to stuff it down. Those feelings of guilt and shame come out to play at night when all is quiet and their minds aren't operating at 100%. This is the time that things float to the surface for them w/o distractions. Many have difficulty sleeping because of this and the depression.

When you wife is moody, just leave her be and continue living your life to the fullest. When she sees that you aren't walking on egg shells and you are enjoying life, she just may become curious and want to join in on the fun. You have a choice, i.e., stay on the roller coaster or get off. The more you are off, the better off you will be because you are living your life and focusing on yourself and your family.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Wow, Job your words are so insightful and helpful. Thx so much

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Happy mothers day to everyone.

Yesterday the family went to my wife sisters place. My wife has pushed away her sister who she was closest to. She is upset because she wrote her a nasty email because of what she was doing to me. She is also upset because her sister wrote her a card that she wishes things could go back to Normal. The word Normal is what my wife hates so much because that what she thinks everyone just wants her to be normal but she feels like she is having an awakening and that things will not be normal based on the expectations of the family.

My wife sister decided to take my wife for a drive. My wife eventually broke down. Was saying stuff about me and how she feels like there is just too much distance between us now. She wishes she had feelings for me because it would make things so much easier. Basically my wife is deciding what to do, try to make things work with me or choose to divorce. I find this so crazy because my wife is the one that has created the extreme distance and is doing absolutely nothing to make things work.

I know my wife is depressed and lost. But what if she wishes she had feelings. How do I go about letting her go, sandis rules when it feels like we are 2 distance ships sailing away from each other.

I also feel like my wife’s conversation with her sister was trying to manipulate her as an ally. Basically there is nothing wrong with me, feel sorry for me.

Regardless I am happy my wife has reached out to her. Sister has my back. The only person my wife talks to is her twice divorced friend which I guarantee validates her feelings.

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Good afternoon,

My wife and I are getting along nicely. She is not as cold and distant as she used to be. I can absolutely tell something internally is bothering her. Her last comment to me was that she does not have feelings for me, you can't change feelings and that she may never of had feelings for me. As in I was never her soulmate. She also admitted to having thoughts that she was going insane.

Her last therapist appointment was 5 weeks ago. She told her mother she was going today. From all indications she does not have an appointment booked for today. Not sure why she would lie about this and I have no idea whether she plans to see the therapist again or how often.

I feel like someone that has thoughts of going insane should probably see a therapist regularly, as in once a week.

I am not going to discuss this with her but her mom is.

The other issue is "detaching". She is communicating with me again, things are pleasant. She told her sister that the last 3 months we have been distancing from each other. How the heck do you detach if this makes her feel more distant.

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I would be careful taking to heart anything she says right now. She's going to say a lot of stuff if you engage with her in relationship talks. She probably really is feeling everything she tells you she is, but her feelings are changing rapidly. She might also feel a little regret about what she is doing which could explain the friendly nature you are experiencing with her right now. Main point, be careful in seeing the situation the way you want. Protect your heart. They say not to believe anything they say and only half of what they do. From my experience, that is very true.

Detaching is something that you need to do for yourself in order to heal. It also helps you to regain perspective. We LBSs are also in a fog of sorts. You don't really come out of the LBS fog until you start to detach. She is going to feel distant because of the MLC shes going through. You detaching will not make that any worse. In the beginning the MLCer is unsure about the decisions they are making and they will sometimes go through periods of being pleasant. As time rolls on they get more sure of themselves and become more cold and distant. This will probably happen despite anything you do. Part of detaching is to stop analyzing every move the MLCer makes. That is way easier said than done, but its something that will help you once you are able to stop doing it. This all just takes time.

You are doing well, just take it one day at a time.


Me: 45 yrs
W: 43 yrs
Together: 20 yrs
Married: 15 yrs
Son: 19 yrs
Daughter: 18 yrs
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Good Morning bdp

Originally Posted by bdp
Was saying stuff about me and how she feels like there is just too much distance between us now. She wishes she had feelings for me because it would make things so much easier. Basically my wife is deciding what to do, try to make things work with me or choose to divorce.

This is pretty accurate bdp. You are seeing what your W is doing. How she is trying to decide.

This is nice an intellectual, no emotions. This is one way of how you uncouple or detach your response from her emotions and behaviour. Well done!

Originally Posted by bdp
She is not as cold and distant as she used to be. I can absolutely tell something internally is bothering her. Her last comment to me was that she does not have feelings for me, you can't change feelings and that she may never of had feelings for me. As in I was never her soulmate. She also admitted to having thoughts that she was going insane.

Again, remaining accurate in thinking about the situation. I do like the working on, and questions towards, understanding; another ingredient for detaching and eventually compassion and letting go. Remember to put your energies into focus on you.

My W also thought she was going insane, and the soulmate idea was similar. The MLCer usually finds a soulmate, that fantasy ideal of a person. That ideal is really all in their head, even if they are seeing someone, they are heavily projecting upon that person and overlooking a lot of stuff; not the least of is that the OP is seeing a married person. The MLCer doesn’t realize the soulmate idea until they found/feel one. That having an awaking feeling, I am finally alive and living my life, is a pretty common thing for an MLCer. It’s to be expected, very very few people, almost no one is the villain in their own life story.

Originally Posted by bdp
I know my wife is depressed and lost. But what if she wishes she had feelings. How do I go about letting her go, sandis rules when it feels like we are 2 distance ships sailing away from each other.

Originally Posted by bdp
The other issue is "detaching". She is communicating with me again, things are pleasant. She told her sister that the last 3 months we have been distancing from each other. How the heck do you detach if this makes her feel more distant.

You aren’t making her feel. She makes herself feel. You don’t control her.

By the way, you make you feel as well. No one makes you feel anything, you do that. So does she. Now, yes we do give control over to others usually unknowingly. This is not a direct control, just a very strong influence. Detachment removes that irrational influence and regains control.

That is what detachment is - you returning control of your emotions to you. Goes hand in hand with focus on you. Detachment uncoupled the irrational uncontrolled emotional responses of you in regard to W’s behaviour and her emotion state. You are not throwing her away, or anything like that, just regaining yourself. It is very important, and needed, to figure out who who are. It is also the best and only place your should make major decisions from - detached and intellectual is better than dependent and emotional.

Her feelings are all over the map. You should not be using her feelings as a guide for what you should be doing, you should also not be using your feelings either. Feelings do and will change. Find detachment, find your beliefs and convictions. This takes time and effort; and you are well on your way - honest - it’s true. Even if it doesn’t feel like it.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Wow this is so frustrating. My wife is showing little signs of depression, she is pleasant and acting normal. But she has shown absolutely zero indication of acknowledging / discussing our relationship. She loves the silent treatment, has for years. How in the world can we ever move forward if we can discuss our relationship. Of course I can’t bring up cause those always go south. The patience required for this is beyond what I thought. I figured the patience was for their replay behaviours which my wife is showing none of anymore. She was depressed and withdrawn for 3 months but now grounded. I want to so badly say, Hey What about Me!!!! It is impossible to detach. We live, eat, raise kids, go to soccer, watch bball together. Our conversations are limited now, she barely has interest in anything about me but is completely nice to me. I realize this is all about her in her mind. All the mlc stories I read are extreme, in terms of monster and separation etc. I don’t have that. I do have a wife that has exhibited many mlc indicators though. I hope this is a mild mlc. Do I literally do nothing until she talks for the first time? How can I lead? I’ve seen some instagram posts that she wants a man that will lay everything on the line to know she’s ok. What the hell? How can I do that when I can’t even talk to her. Everyday my frustration, resentment anger build. I decompress and try hard to gather my thoughts and feelings. Patience through this is insane, I can’t imagine how others manage with monsters and severe mlc.

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bpd,

I can help you man. I'm in the same sitch. Pleasant wife.... throws you way off-guard because you're expecting all the heavy stuff. Leaves you in limbo.

You can't force it, you can't rush it..... you're going to make yourself crazy.
Give her all the space she could possibly need, and then give her some more.

Yes, you have to wait... and wait... and wait. You get to lead her later, not now.
Now you need to endure. It really is that simple.... and improve yourself. That's how you lead. Get better so she sees it and wants to get better too. Stimulate those neurons in her brain!!! "What is he doing? Looks like he's having fun. Look at that body." Get my drift? She likes the silent treatment, but her eyes are still looking around. Let them see good things.

What are you doing to improve (this isn't a trick question)? How are you focusing your thoughts and time?
She can always go back into Replay, either part or full. That isn't unusual.

It's very obvious you're cycling hard. That's ok...... but it shows that more detachment is needed.
I'm just like you. Nice wife (except R talks - no more of those.... NONE!!!), sleep in same bed, eat together... all that.
Detachment is possible and more importantly.... very necessary.
You can do it!!!!

Understand too, you have something wonderful... a MLC wife who hasn't run away. You still have a connection. You can see observe what's happening first hand. I'm blessed with that too. It is a double edged sword.... it is harder (IMO) than one that has left. She still may (mine still may).

Just look at the glass as half full, be thank full for what you've been blessed with. Stay the course.

You're going to get thru, that it will be awhile. Use the time wisely.
Don't be tempted to talk. I know you'd love it, I'd love it.... wouldn't it be grand? Someday. Not today, not tomorrow.

-Soloflex

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Solo flex.

Thx so much, exactly what I needed to hear right now. Yes I’m cycling hard, it’s so hard because common sense says talk, communicate all the things couples should do to work things out. I keep thinking what if I’m wrong. My biggest problem is that I’m a fixer. I can’t let things go. Hopefully this will be part of my growth.

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Hello bdp

SoloFlex has given you very good advice.

Originally Posted by bdp
Yes I’m cycling hard, it’s so hard because common sense says talk, communicate all the things couples should do to work things out.

I think you see just how counterintuitive this all is. It is very hard to go against those ingrained common sense ideas. However, at this time it will just push you and her further apart.

Dig deep for patience. Find a healthy outlet for your frustration and resentment. Physical exertion is a good way. Sweat it out. Get a punching bag, run, chop wood, join a gym, whatever, something active. It gets the frustration out, makes your healthy, and gives you something else to think about - while gasping for breath. smile lol.

Lots of us are fixers. It takes a while to really get it. You didn’t break her, therefore you can’t fix her.

However, you can fix/work on yourself. Focus on you. Keep getting more and more time where you don’t think about her, or what she is doing.

Stop reading her instagram posts. Or better yet block them. That kind of thing keeps you attached. Realize you are fighting your mind and the addiction you have to her. This is very difficult to overcome. Keep at it.

Originally Posted by bdp
My biggest problem is that I’m a fixer. I can’t let things go. Hopefully this will be part of my growth.

Yes you will have growth. I would like to point an area for you currently, a caution really.

“I can’t let things go.”

Do be careful how you say things, your mind is listening. It will make your words a reality. If you say I can’t - you will find you really can’t.

In a similar way your listening mind will facilitate things to happen. For example:

“My biggest problem is that I’m a fixer. I can’t find it hard to let things go. Hopefully this will be part of my growth.”

This sounds less rigid and more likely to actually happen.

I do want to be clear. You probably are correct, at this moment you can’t let things go. The first step in growth is to change that, is to change can’t. Realize it is not can’t - just difficult. That makes a big difference, and allows you to start taking those small steps to actually grow. To be able to let things go.

You are doing well. Stay strong.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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