You are awesome, I can't tell you how much the support of this forum helps. Yes I have family and friends but they just don't get it. My parents told me last night to make sure to buy her a dozen roses for mothers day. I laughed so hard and asked if they had read anything I sent them. They said they did but how could giving her roses hurt my cause.
Her sister told me "well I haven't heard her side of the story yet" This is after she fully knows everything that she has done, said, spent etc. Her sister is desperate to have her relationship back with her sister that she's willing to accept the MLC for what it is.
My friends try to understand but then they don't. I can't explain to them what it was like looking in her eyes during those talks. Legitimately an alien stole my wife. At the beginning I literally asked her "where did you go?" Her pupils shrunk so much, you could literally watch her fall into the "tunnel" "fog". It was crazy.
It's nice to see her eyes almost normal again. I caught her looking over my way while I was snuggling and holding my daughters hand.
Part of me feels like she wants to take this summer as a last Hurrah before she decides to come back to the relationship. She took off her engagement ring but still wears wedding ring. She said lots of women don't wear the engagement ring.
Her current novel she's reading is "Fear of Flying" https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fear_of_Flying_(novel)
All these books are about women finding themselves, identity, sexuality. A lot of the women divorce and leave everything, but it doesn't work out for them.
My guess is she looked up midlife transitioning women books.
Family and friends - most just wont get it. It is so hard to just let her and them have whatever relationship they have. Be it based on fantasy or delusion, it really doesn’t matter. It is real to them. They have to come to see the true as well, and in their time.
So very apt, the alien abduction, so weird. There eyes, facial features, mannerisms; all change.
Mother’s Day. Have something from the kids. And if you want, perhaps a card. Nothing mushy, more generic, no pressure remember.
Have no expectations. She may show emotion, or not, be happy, get angry, or something else - if you give a card or not. Really no way to know. So ensure you are doing what you are fine with, not manipulating.
I best get back to work.
Talk soon. Hang in there.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
My wife has continued to pleasant. She knew I was upset with how our house as become a dump, kids crap everywhere and I am the only person to try clean up. Anyways she actually worked hard to help clean house with me and kids. She has continued to text random stuff and talk to me. Still distant though, but nice enough to me.
Anyways, her Mom called her and asked how she was doing physical - she said ok. She then asked mentally and my wife was hesitant. Her mom asked about therapist and why she is only go once a month. The mom offered to pay for it and to go once a week. My wife's response was, you can only talk about so much.
I know my wife is struggling with things, it's rough to see her hurting. I absolutely do not want to discuss our relationship, but I am curious if I should inquire about her "mental struggle"? I would love her to know that I have her back and that's she's able to talk to me if she wants to.
I would definitely recognize the effort she put forth in helping to clean up the home. She needs to hear you say that you appreciated her helping you. Yes, I know, it's her house too, but she needs to hear positive things from you and also know that you are recognizing her for her efforts.
As for her mom, she needs to back off. It's nice that her mom is showing interest in the therapy sessions and wanting to pay for more of them, but she has to back off and allow your wife to make the decision as to whether or not she wants to attend more frequently.
I would say something like "wife, I know you've got a lot to work through, but I want you to know that I am here for you and will listen if you ever want to talk". This lets her know that you are aware that she's got some internal struggles, but also that you are willing to listen.
Keep the expectations at zero and allow your wife to come to you. No pressure!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hold your hats, where do I begin. Will need lots of support for this one.
Yesterday my wife went for a run. While she was out I went to corner store to get lottery ticket. I drove by her chatting with the guy she had a small emotional affair with. It was brief and she kept running. I turned around and confronted the guy. I was not happy. He told me that she just said hi and that he swears that nothing has happened in months. He was tearful and telling me he just wants to move on with his life. He was swearing up and down. I absolutely do believe him.
At home my wife sensed something was up, she confronted me. I told her that I saw her talking with guy, she said she was just running by and saying hi. Unfortunately this led to a dreaded relationship talk. Of course it was terrible, she explained she is changing, having an awakening. Say that she can't live by societies set life. Every time I talked, she accused me of trying to change her for the way I want things to be. I talked about rational things, like kids, finances etc.
I asked her about an internal struggle / demons that she has been dealing with. She said there was nothing and that she is thinking rationally
She tried to tell me that she isn't sure she was ever fully in love with me from the start. How she just can't be with me because she doesn't feel anything for me and that can't change. She tried to explain that this won't change. We talked about making attempts such as counselling etc. Of course this went no where. I told her she needs to be happy and that we could grow change together. I also told her that this was all her, she would have to do all the ground work.
Anyways a lot of Stereotypical MLC talk from her which led to we should talk to the kids. We went up stairs and right before kids came, she said "I think you are just trying to force my Bluff!" She said we need to do this together. We never did talk to kids.
Upstairs she was making lunches I told her that she could talk to me. This is when she said "You wouldn't understand"
I said I would promise to listen and not make judgement. She said she has been having thoughts under the surface for years and that they all came to the surface when I busted the emotional affair 3 months ago.
She explained that these thoughts come and go. They make her feel like she's going "insane!" I was compassionate and empathetic towards her. I asked her if they were getting better and she said it depends on the day. I can't believe she finally admitted to this, but I feel this will change things.
It feels like she has gone back into a tunnel last night and this morning.
I 100% did not want to talk about our relationship - it just happened. I absolutely feel terrible right now that I have set myself back and pushed her further away, but I also feel like I have made headway by her telling me about her internal struggle.
I feel like I have taken away her playing card, her control. She admitted she has an issue. She didn't believe the medical dr. could help and that it is all in her brain - therapist.
Our family dr. said she could absolutely help her with these Ruminating thoughts.
10 minutes later I went upstairs, thanked her for telling me, gave her a hug and said I would always be here to listen. Not sure how she took this. First time in 3 months we hugged, but I initiated.
I am shaking right now, I feel horrible about the relationship talk because she was so adamant about her feelings and she came across as rational. But she opened up for the first time.
I told her that she can't make rash decisions and that she should just take time to figure things out.
This is insane, I know people say it gets worse before better. It [censored] so much because we were getting better, talking, pleasant, doing things for each other etc. I can almost guarantee she's going to go back into a state of depression and withdrawal.
Can anyone explain to me her saying that these thoughts have been under the surface for years and all came abruptly out the day the bomb dropped. Trust me she was doing a lot of replay thing for 2-3 years before BD.
Do you think this talk will force a type of "Rock Bottom"? This is all so confusing, I am trying too hard to make sense of it.
I really feel like I still have Time on my side, how in the world could she leave the house and family life with the Crazy Thoughts. She knows I know. Also the logistics of her leaving and impossible. She also said that I called her bluff.
Wow there was so much more but I am so rattled it's hard to remember.
The answer to your question concerning the talk force type of rock bottom. The answer is no. She may scrape the bottom, but she is no where near bottom.
Listen, you need to stop trying to rationalize what she's doing. She's on an emotional and spiritual journey that only she can travel on.
She was stunted emotionally as a child/teen by someone in authority. It could have been a parent, teacher, priest/minister, etc., but the person was an authority figure to her being a child. It comes from not being recognized for their accomplishments, put down by someone in authority, or being compared to a sibling, i.e., not being good enough. It could be that she was not loved like the sibling, etc. Only she knows and those feelings were stuffed down within her soul from long ago. When they hit the crisis, something has triggered her journey and those awful feelings of long ago have bubbled up and now they are on the surface and need to be dealt with.
She's been in depression and has never left it. They don't go out of it and return...it is beneath the surface. As for withdrawal, she will pull away from family, friends, close co-workers, pets, home, etc.
You need to step back and stop confronting the guy. The more you try to control the situation, the worse it will get. You can only control what you are doing w/your life. Your wife is an adult and she is going to do whatever she needs to do to get through her crisis. Also, she needs to make the decision to talk to someone about her feelings.
I am going to suggest that you go back and re-read the homework links. You need to come to terms w/the fact that there is nothing you can do to stop her crisis. Once in the crisis, she will need to go through the entire thing. If she doesn't complete the crisis, she will have a second go at it and it will be far worse than before.
Step back, give her the time and space she needs to work through her issues. You did not break her, therefore you can't fix her...she has to do the work. Focus on you, work on yourself. If you think you have things to change about yourself, then work on them....do it for you and not to win her back. This is your time to do the things that you've not had time to do in quite some time. Be a friend and do not try to diagnosis her and tell her what she needs to do. She had to figure things out for herself. Be a friend, listen and offer support. If she does something that requires recognition, then say thank you and or what a great job you've done.
As hard as it may be.....keep the focus on you and your family.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi bpd - I've not posted to you before but noticed your thread in passing today.
Originally Posted by bpd
Can anyone explain to me her saying that these thoughts have been under the surface for years and all came abruptly out the day the bomb dropped. Trust me she was doing a lot of replay thing for 2-3 years before BD.
Do you think this talk will force a type of "Rock Bottom"? This is all so confusing, I am trying too hard to make sense of it.
I really feel like I still have Time on my side, how in the world could she leave the house and family life with the Crazy Thoughts. She knows I know. Also the logistics of her leaving and impossible. She also said that I called her bluff.
One thing that I've learned is that even when you think that someone has hit rock bottom that there is still further they can fall. What would have been completely unacceptable to her even months ago will just become another thing that ticks her off as she progresses to where-ever she is going.
My (now ex) wife gave up family, house, respect in the community years ago and from the little information I get is a bitter angry woman living above a liquor store who has withdrawn from all what and who she used to care about. This has been going on for years now. She was - or at least I thought she was - a pillar of the community. Kind, loving, caring. Then seemingly in the blink of an eye it all changed.
Most of them will tell similar stories, and yes, similar lies. Just because she says that she had these thoughts for years, do you actually have any reason to believe her? They will build their own narrative that helps them justify their actions.
Listen closely to what job has to say. The key thing is the last sentence. As tough as it is - and trust me - I know that in spades - you need to focus on what is around you in order that you don't get dragged under too. As time passes, you will see more clearly both what sort of person you are and what sort of person she was / is / will become.
As I told a friend of mine recently. This isn't about you. There's nothing you could have done or can do that will make a darned bit of difference to them.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Would people agree to this. I read this on another web site:
"Escape & Avoid brings on the fog. This fog serves a purpose. A person in their right mind would not behave this way, thus the fog buries their guilt until they can handle it. But they are not insane and are thus accountable for their actions. They are confused; sometimes they will be aware of this and others not, but the existence of a reason for bad behavior does not make it excusable."
My wife said that issues were hidden beneath the surface and that when the affair was busted, everything came to the surface. I knew that while the affair was taking place, she was working hard to distant herself emotional from me. This is based on stuff she wrote, pinterest and instagram posts. The month before emotional affair absolutely no indication of any issues with me as a husband, only during the affair.
The other interesting aspect is my wife found the emotional affair as the be all / end all, soulmate stuff. I talked to the guy and he was adamant that he did not engage that deeply, he even thought something was going on with her.
I feel like my wife was rebelling against death the last couple of years with the drinking, tattoos, shopping, flirting, partying etc. but I definitely do not believe she was thinking that she never loved me or our relationship was the sole cause to her unhappiness.
My wife has a brutal conscience and her getting into a texting affair with other man even for 2 months would have rocked her soul. I would imagine she has major guilt over her actions the past 2-3 years.
I will jump back on the "let her go" "detachment" horse. I hope we can live our lives without walking on egg shells. I suppose walking on egg shells is purely based on how I feel. If she is cold and distant then I will just carry on like life is normal. I will be difficult but what other choice to I have.
Last edited by job; 05/08/1906:56 PM. Reason: Removed referenced name to another site
