So she told her sister it was $15,000 and her sister told you and you take her at her word??? Have you seen any credit card statements? Could be $50,000 for all you know. You mentioned she also drained the kids' accounts? ( I'm assuming that was college savings?)
Are you sure your name isn't on any of those credit cards? Again, I recommend you seek legal advice. And again, check the cell phone usage records.
Btw - how much does she earn? And how much do you? Is the idea of her paying off this $15k feasible?
Also check your credit report to make sure she didn't take out credit in your name.
You are receiving some really good advice, suggestions, and cautions.
Bomb drop is a pretty darn traumatic event for the LBS, as well as everyone else within the large blast radius. The rug has been pulled out from under you, without warning, without consult; a Left Behind Spouse is pretty mixed up for a while, a perfectly normal response.
Our hurt hearts and minds search for answers. Frantically! (Remember just breathe, you’ve got lots of time)
We can, and will, see signs, positive ones when we are looking for positive signs, negative when we are looking for negative. Our minds are attempting to rationalize what is going on, to make sense of it all. One really needs to have patience and be still, answers will come. This is a large and complex situation you are in, the scope of what you are working on understanding is fairly big; you’ll get there, it will take a while however.
Your hurt heart and mind, your very instincts of what to do, how help her, how to make this better, how to fix this - these thoughts and feelings have served you well in life up to this point, they won’t now. Counterintuitive, like I said before.
Focus on you and your kids.
You have some fantastic questions from posters. Seek a lawyer, find out your credit, your true financial standing, your assets, your debt, seek any hidden accounts. This is not a witch hunt. It is getting your bearings, figuring out exactly where you stand.
You will feel better once you have answers to those questions that have been posed from the caring people here. You might not like the answers; however you will feel better. You are seeking - this gives your mind something to do, it is helpful to your situation, and it focuses on you and your kids needs.
We are here for you bdp.
We know the path you walk.
Stay strong.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
In my opinion, if this is true MLC, she will make a turn for the wild side and you will see it new friends, staying out late, new clothes, less attention for the kids, hair color/style change, tattoos, new toys , new diet or fads, and secretive..
The MLCer will spend uncontrollably, even if they were once responsible
Saying this it makes sense for you to keep a strict eye on the accounts, separate them if need be- Some LBS have lost everything, Please don't tell her you are seeking a L or figuring out finances- just do it for you and your kids
Make sure the kids are safe.. Im sorry I don't know their ages? The MLcer becomes a horrible parent --
If it is just excessive drinking issues.. She can attend AA and get better if she works hard- You can attend Alanon and get in person/phone directions in dealing with a problem drinker
As for now-take care of you and the kids you will know more later as hard as it is- don't push or pressure her into any talks or decisions- Just be kind and cordial and work on you
No matter which way this goes, you can be ok--if you choose to be
You will get a lot of suggestions and support here by all of us who have also traveled this road and successfully navigated ourselves into creating wonderful better lives-- hang in
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I appreciate everyone's posts and will take them all into consideration.
Looking back my wife went through a lot of Replay actions but I never clued in.
The past 3-4 years,
4 Tattoos - Drink heavily on weekends while listening to music (therapist said she was avoiding the inner struggle) Obsessed with working out - still is Obsessed with looking young - still is Shopped excessively on beauty products / clothes When she would go out with friends she would flirt. Emotional affair
Although my BD was only 3 months ago, I feel like she was in Replay for a long time.
Right now, I feel like she is recognizing that all of those actions did not help her, except for the emotional affair. It was the first time she felt "alive" again.
It bothers me so much that she thinks the limerence she felt was "the answer", I am hoping she will slowly recognize that in inner demons are the issue, not the lack of Passion in her life.
My wife told me she is seeking a new life with Passion. She is obsessed with this concept I being free, finding a soulmate which apparently I was never and having Passion again in her life.
She told her sister - House / check, Husband / check, Job / check, kids / check. She has the uncontrollable desire just to blow the whole thing up.
I have been here a very, very long time and here's my opinion on what I see. The BD is actually when the clock begins to tick for MLC. What you witnessed may have been the lead up to the actual BD. She had been thinking about being free and young again for 304 years. Most of us saw some of the "replay" behaviors prior to the BD.
The therapist is correct in stating that she is avoid the inner struggle. They are trying to find things that will make them feel better, hence, the self medication w/whatever vice they use. It appears that your w has found quite a few vices along the way in trying to make herself feel better about herself.
Yes, they want to be free, free of responsibilities, free to do whatever they want and when they want to. They establish friendships w/people that are the exact opposite of the friends that they once had. They actually become the mirror image to the person you love, i.e., the exact opposite.
Until she works through her issues and finally look within, the "alive" feeling will be illusive and she will try many things to get and keep that feeling.
What you are hearing is very, very typical of the MLCer. As you educate yourself on depression and MLC, you will see that your wife's path is not very different from the others that we discuss here. You will see that she speaks the MLC lingo quite well. Some of her behaviors will be the same and yet different because each and every person is unique, i.e., personality, childhood issues and what, if any, coping skills that they have.
Believe none of what she says and only 50% of what she does. Remember...lip service is just that...but actions speak louder than words.
Keep the focus on you, your family and your assets. Seek the advice of a lawyer so that you are aware of what you may have to do down the road if she gets out of control on spending, etc.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
So I’m so confused. Yesterday my wife was herself for the first time in 3 months. She called her parents and had a normal conversation. She initiated conversations with me, she was playful with the kids. She is not acting depressed. This morning she actually is talking to me. She is NOT acting like a person that plans to leave this marriage. I’m honestly so weirded out, she is acting Normal!
Besides a bad relationship talk 3 weeks ago, I have been hard core following Sandi rules. The past 3 months she has been very depressed and withdrawn. I still fear replay actions of shopping but not affair. She still seems obsessed with her youth and beauty.
I have zero expectations of this ending anytime soon but I’d like to think this is a positive. It’s like she’s trying to rebuild.
I will continue to detach until she actually decides to talk about the relationship. Even then I will not engage. I want her inner turmoil to be completely addressed before I move forward.
I fully expect her to go back and forth but this is the first time in 3 months she is acting more like herself.
I have read about LBS guiding them slowly. What should I be doing? I promise to not engage!
I know I got bombed recently (3 months). But she has been going through this for 3-4 years. We are a very close family, young kids, religious. Basically there is a lot to lose and I know she does not want to hurt the kids.
I promise I am not trying to be overly optimistic but would there be a chance that this is a mild MLC? I fully understand she could go right back but it feels so different.
My biggest fear is I’m too detached. She is acting dismissive to my lack of attention towards her. It’s kind of like, I’m mistreating her now. I try to be positive but she’s definitely feeling the lack of attention. She will roll her eyes a bit and say “ok” in a manner of why are you so pissed off. I honestly can’t believe she could not recognize all the damage she has done.
How do I continue to Detach when it feels like it’s upsetting her?
What a well thought out and reasoned query. Very good self reflection and seeing your potential for an overly optimistic view of this. I see compassion, understanding, caring, and empathy all growing - well done.
Originally Posted by bdp
This morning she actually is talking to me. She is NOT acting like a person that plans to leave this marriage. I’m honestly so weirded out, she is acting Normal!
It is so very weird, and you do get use to it. Really.
They can bounce from one life to another, one personality to another - quickly. They are driven by emotions, which can change in an instant. You are correct with your intuition, she is not acting like a person who wants to leave, she is acting normal. She needs to keep moving along until she is not acting.
Most after a while settle into one type of MLCer. Mine is a vanisher. I think it is too early to tell about your W - clinger, boomerang, or vanisher - time will tell.
Originally Posted by bdp
I have read about LBS guiding them slowly. What should I be doing? I promise to not engage!
Keep detaching and focus and work on you.
If / when she wants to talk, talk with her. Let her lead the conversations. It’s even ok to do things together, although I suspect rather difficult without full detachment. Remember no pressure, no expectations.
Of course, this is assuming no affair. If that is the case then a very different response is needed. I do hope you are one of the lucky ones in this particular regard.
Basically, when she is looking for family time (not talking about intimacy), and if you are wanting it, and can handle it, go for it. Just keep in mind her speed.
Do more of what works and less of what doesn’t. And for right now, you are the focus of what needs to work - not her. Everything here is to help you heal, progress, and find better.
Originally Posted by bdp
I promise I am not trying to be overly optimistic but would there be a chance that this is a mild MLC? I fully understand she could go right back but it feels so different.
From my understanding - no.
There is no such thing as a mild MLC. The crisis part, once that happens, all h@ll breaks loose - nothing mild about that.
However, a mid life transition is possible. Milder than a crisis, and I believe a lot less running behaviours. More depression, and self withdrawal.
I place affairs, both EA and PA, as good indicators towards a crisis. A key item is confusion. The MLCer wants out of their life, marriage, family, problems - and then wants its back. They flip and flop. They project and blame more, with no ability, or very little, for self realization of guilt.
Your feelings and understanding are pulling in opposite directions. You understand she could revert, but you feel different. Very astute of you. Being accurate in thought and heart is a good thing.
Intellect becomes understanding.
Emotions become acceptance.
Originally Posted by bdp
My biggest fear is I’m too detached. She is acting dismissive to my lack of attention towards her. It’s kind of like, I’m mistreating her now. I try to be positive but she’s definitely feeling the lack of attention. She will roll her eyes a bit and say “ok” in a manner of why are you so pissed off. I honestly can’t believe she could not recognize all the damage she has done.
How do I continue to Detach when it feels like it’s upsetting her?
So very good, bdp.
Your recognize a fear. Work on that. See the irrational tie it has?
Detachment. Find it. Don’t fear. She is attempting to pull you back in. Of course she is going to react.
Remember - focus on you. Everything you are doing is not manipulative - it is for you. It also gives you the best chance at a possible reconciliation. Counterintuitive, for sure.
Remember how you were when she acted detached and indifferent to you. All the stress and feelings. She will feel some of that also, and she won’t like it. Again don’t worry, if/when she is healed enough, there will be no force that would keep her away from you or the kids. That is a long ways off unfortunately.
How do you continue to detach when feeling it is upsetting her? That is a perfect illustration of being attached and the need for detaching. Let go your irrational feeling, the attempt at control of her feelings. You do not upset her - she upsets herself. Just as you upset yourself, W cannot make you feel anything either. That does take some time to get your head and heart wrapped around. You’ll get it - you are well on your way.
Continue your path. Choose better not bitter. Lead yourself, and your kids. When it is possible for W she might just follow as well.
Focus on you and your kids. Detach, let go, work through your fears, become a pillar of strength. Find your beliefs, see if you like them, alter what is needed, and follow them.
You are doing well. Keep moving forward.
Really good questions bdp.
I have a question for you. Why do you fear detachment? What is it that you are worried about? What future event(s) are you afraid of? Ok, that’s like three question. I mean just look at, and discussion of, the irrational part of that fear. By the way, if you notice, the questions are all about you, so should be your answers. (((bdp)))
DnJ
Last edited by job; 04/28/1909:25 PM. Reason: edited a word
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I fear being alone. I love her and I know she loves me, she’s just lost.
What is it about being alone that worries you? Just one specific thing. For now.
Originally Posted by bdp
I fear what this would do to our children if she left.
The children are a tough one. Believe me, having had a W that did abandon her’s - it will be alright. Lots of fear, lots to learn, lots to overcome. I guarantee this will be the most unwanted amazing journey of learning you’ve ever been on, and you will get to a place where you would not, even if you could, give it up and go back.
Please, one specific thing about your worry regarding your kids. More your point of view. I’ll share one also.
I had no idea how, or what, to do regarding bras, pads, all the girly stuff. Man oh man - do you ever grow. I feared looking like a goof, a bad Dad, a father who didn’t care, though my daughter’s eyes. I was so very wrong. Fear is completely irrational. My daughter thinks I am the best Dad ever! I made so many mistakes, and blunders. Stood up, dusted off, realized I don’t have all the answers, and talk to her. We made it through this together. (All of my kids and I did).
One example. Fear, it is no where as bad as you imagine.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I mean just look at, and discussion of, the irrational part of that fear. By the way, if you notice, the questions are all about you, so should be your answers. (((bdp)))