Sandi, thought I should post this information within this Forum. Appreciate any feedback.
I have currently live with my wife, have 3 kids 7, 11,13.
Early February I found out my wife was having an emotional texting affair. I stopped it right away which my wife was not happy about. I 100% certain it is over. A few days later she dropped the I love you but im not in love with you. A couple of weeks of devastating converstions and me research MLC. She says she has no romantic love for me, doesn't know what she wants, wants a new life to see what's out there, doesn't want to be attached to a husband etc. Says she has no passion, no intimate feeling for me. Claims that this has been for a few years. I did not see this coming, we would have sex once a week, she would tell me she loves me, hold me, tickle etc. etc. She was like this a month or 2 before bomb drop. After the initial chaos we went to marriage counseling, I quickly recognized it was going nowhere. We stopped that and I asked her what she wanted, still I don't know just not this marriage. She would talk about life and mortality and having done everything society / parents told her to do. Husband check, Kids check, job check, house check etc.
Reflecting on the last 3-4 years, I now see signs. Her mom fought cancer and won, but it rattled her. She got 4 tattoos in the past 3 years. The last one being "Do Not Go Gentle" A poem about not succumbing to death. Within the past 3 years, she drank heavily and listened to music on weekend, she went out partying with friends and flirting with boys, she spent ridiculous amounts of money on clothes and ran up a huge credit card debt, working out like crazy and trying to keep her youth as much as possible. My wife turned 40 last September as well but she gets ID all the time. All classic signs of MLC. She was also talking a lot about mortality.
I was able to convince her into a therapist. She has gone 3 times in 2 months. I have chosen to go dark and let her go. I rarely text, simple conversations etc. The last month she has been in a dark place, constantly napping, going for runs. She even looked up stuff on depression. She has been obsessed with dark poetry and books about soulmates and passion. Unfortunately the only person she talks to is her friend that is twice divorced. She claims that this friend is in support of family. I don't buy it.
I also convinced my wife to see a dr. The appt is next week.
I thought my wife was coming around and acted happier so I decided to bring up the topic of us. All I got was I don't have desire for you and I want to eventually move out. This would be extremely difficult for my wife to do financially and she also knows the devastating affects on the kids which we both have huge attachment to. My wife told me that I am her best friend, amazing husband, amazing father, good looking etc etc, but she doesn't see her with me.
She admitted to going through a "transition" and that it doesn't mean that the outcome will or should include me. She keeps saying she doesn't have romantic feelings for me "right now" I keep asking if she is open to finding them once she goes through this transition. She says she doesn't think so.
I personally have been devastated, lost 30 pounds 180-150, but I do look amazing physically now. I'm trying hard to rebuild my confidence. We have decided to talk and treat each other like friends while she goes through this.
Obviously I am beyond scared about the outcome. I love my wife family kids etc. I want to save this so badly but she has zero desire to.
I have read everything about MLC and I am trying to figure out where she is at in the stages and what my chances are of reconciliation. I feel like I have a lot going for me in terms of kids, how bad her MLC is, her recognizing what she will lose etc.
If anyone can relate to my story and can give me advice, suggestions, stages etc. It would be much appreciated.
I’ve read a lot about the stages of an Mlc, curious what the veterans think of my situation.
I believe everything started 3-5 years ago when my wife mother got cancer. Over those years my wife has been obsessed with working out, new tattoos, partying with single divorced friends, flirting at bars, drinking heavily on weekends, spending like an animal - massive debt. I really had no idea about the debt but I did recognize the other stuff but never clued in. I feel like this was massive replay.
My wife didn’t started her emotional affair until December 2018, I busted it in February before it got physical but based on an email I read my wife was in complete limerence.
She told me she didn’t romantically love me after I ended her affair. She has since told me about her fantasy of living in same town while we raise our 3 children. I really don’t believe her.
The last 2 months she has acted very depressed. She barely talks, has distanced herself from family and friends except for her best friend that is 2 times divorced.
Even though the bomb drop was 2 months ago I feel like she has quickly moved into depression/ withdrawal. My wife would have a very guilty concierge of all the damage she has done. She is also seeing a therapist but not regularly enough.
Could there be a chance she is in withdrawal?
She has never been angry with me, we still talk about kids, meals etc. But she has been more distant from children and very irritable with them. The kids are feeling her anger and it’s upsetting.
I really hope things are progressing through the stages since I believe she has been going through this silently for years. She even said she has fallen out of love with me for last year or 2 which I don’t fully believe.
She has rewritten history on multiple occasions. She tries to claim that she has never truly loved me since the start. Reasons, she never took my last name - 16 years ago, she has a physical affair before we were even engaged, she has never been comfortable with my family. These are such ridiculous excuses.
Anyways thoughts on stages? It’s tough seeing her so depressed with withdrawn from everybody, even the kids.
As long as there is any type of affair, she is in replay. Your situation is similar to many of us here. I was caught off guard as well, as everything seemed "normal" even the day before BD. My advice is to stop guessing which stage she is in. You will only fool yourself and drive her away by guessing and trying to strike when the iron is hot. I was certain my W had come out of replay, we reconciled for a month and it ended in disaster. This was especially true for the children, who witnessed a breakup, reconciliation, and another breakup.
Focusing on words she says will only harm/consume you. Believe 0% of what she says and 50% of what she does. Words and actions will often be discordant.
Figure out what YOU want, and go from there. Any path you choose will be filled with a mix of emotions. You have to give her space and time regardless of what you want.
Work on yourself. She does not want you in her life. It's hard to accept but it's the truth. Find a way to focus and don't slip at work. For me it was the gym, church and my children. You will be a different person and prepared, regardless of the outcome.
Reconciliation can only come after she completes her MLC, it will take a very long time.
Thx for the reply. The affair ended Feb 2 and only lasted 2 months. She started the behaviours 3 years ago. She has been very distant, depressed and withdrawn the last 2 months. But she has good days, like today she is treating me normal. Sunday she said 5 words to me. Yesterday she was an emotional wreck, snapping at the kids. Roller coaster
Just a word of advice, I made this exact same post in Sept of last year, 2 months after BD. I was convinced affair was over, thought we were moving in a good direction, etc... People here gave me advice to stop guessing what phase she was in, and that it's normal to think your situation will run course faster than others. Please don't do that to yourself. Anyways, We reconciled and month later and it crashed and burned. Affair was alive and active, just far more secretive. She was "trying to figure it out" while playing both me and the OM. This 2nd BD was much worse than the 1st. You will know when MLC is over. It will take time. Do not reconcile early, it will only bite you.
Thx, not sure if I like the thought of affair still going on, but absolutely about being patient. I plan to be. She has done a lot of damage with her actions and words. Reading post about not believing what they say helps. I know she is battling some sort of demon but she won't talk to me about it. Last relationship talk 2 weeks ago she told me she was transitioning and that this new persona doesn't see me in their life. It's crazy to hear her say this with our 3 children in other room.
Thx, not sure if I like the thought of affair still going on, but absolutely about being patient. I plan to be. She has done a lot of damage with her actions and words. Reading post about not believing what they say helps. I know she is battling some sort of demon but she won't talk to me about it. Last relationship talk 2 weeks ago she told me she was transitioning and that this new persona doesn't see me in their life. It's crazy to hear her say this with our 3 children in other room.
wow that sounds like my w. she said she doesn't see me anymore in her future etc etc etc. said she was transitioning as well. had let go of our relationship but coudlnt seem to transition into whats next in her life
Welcome to the forum. I am sorry you find yourself here. However, there are many kind and compassionate people with much hard earned wisdom that can help.
Much of what you will hear will be counterintuitive; it just won’t feel or seem like the right thing to do. It’s ok, it takes a bit of time to understand what’s going on.
Follow the advice and suggestions. Post often, ask questions, vent, it really does help.
I see that Sandi suggested that you could try the MLC section if you feel your W is having a crisis. Sandi is a wise woman and understands how difficult it is to diagnose between a MLCer or WW; there are some difference between the two. However, your actions, behaviours, and responses are similar for each.
First off. Breathe. It will be ok.
You have been given a wonderful gift of time. Use it wisely.
This is a slow moving train crash you are now part of. You need to look away and extract yourself from it.
Focus on you and your kids.
Your W has declared many things. All those feelings she now doesn’t feel towards you. As unbelievable as it is, that is now her reality. She believes it. One of the worst thing you can do right now is to have relationship talks - do not have relationship talks - ever!
The best thing you can do is focus on you and the kids. (You will year that a lot. And it is absolutely the best advice.)
I know we all want to save our marriages. Lucky for you focusing on yourself and your kids, is the best chance you have of doing just that. I want to be clear on a very important point. YOU are the most important person in this equation. Focusing on you - is for you! This is not some trick or way to get your spouse to love you again and want to recommit to your marriage. It is to heal you, make you a better person, a person that only a fool would leave.
Your W needs time and space, and plenty of it. She will take it, she is driven to run from whatever it is that is troubling her. Understand she is operation on emotions now, she is not rational, she is completely irrational. That doesn’t mean crazy, it just means not using logic and reason. She is being driven by her emotional side.
If this is a MLC, something around usually 18-24 months before BD, triggered a deep buried trauma from within her. Something that most likely happened in her childhood, and has remain hidden and unresolved. It is a big trauma, really big. Something that she could not, was unable to process as a child with her coping skills of the time. Her psyche drew it deep within her, unable to handle the pain, the guilt, the shame. These poor young victims usually blame themselves for whatever happened.
At midlife when mortality, kids, and the problems of family and everyday thing becomes the norm, a trigger happens, the death of a loved one, kids moving out, a serious illness, etc... The trigger sets off a domino chain of events within them; this was predestined long before you ever came in to her life. Slowly over months and years they change. It is so slow and imperceptible that it often goes unnoticed or unrecognized by the loving spouse.
Eventually the pressures from past demons builds to a point they just can’t handle or hide from anymore - and boom - BD.
Realize her emotions are cranked to 11, everything is emotional, you cannot reason with her. She cannot face what she has inside herself, and she runs. She is absolutely driven to flee the pain and unrelenting torment that she faces. You, the faithful and loving spouse gets blamed for everything. She will incorrectly project onto you all manner of blame and justifications to allow her to do what she need to do.
You cannot help her.
You did not break her, therefore you cannot fix her.
Counterintuitive - I know.
Focus on you and your kids. Seriously.
Originally Posted by bdp
If anyone can relate to my story and can give me advice, suggestions, stages etc. It would be much appreciated.
I offer to help you. I will suggest and offer advice to the best of my abilities.
Originally Posted by bdp
I also convinced my wife to see a dr. The appt is next week.
MLCer are convicted there is nothing wrong with them. If you attempt to explain otherwise you will be blamed and more justification will be headed your way.
Originally Posted by bdp
She admitted to going through a "transition" and that it doesn't mean that the outcome will or should include me. She keeps saying she doesn't have romantic feelings for me "right now" I keep asking if she is open to finding them once she goes through this transition. She says she doesn't think so.
This is true - for her.
Quit talking about this. Any pressure from you pushes her away. This particular subject, the romantic feelings, the more you talk about them, the more she will be reminded of how much she doesn’t have them. Not something you really want to do.
Basically (take a guess what I might say). Focus on you and the kids.
Leave her to her journey. She needs to take it, and there is nothing you can do to speed up, however you can slow it down. Let her do what she needs, let her see that her pain is not caused by you. Then she might look inward and see where the real pain is coming from. This take time. As I said - it’s ok. You have time. And you have work you need do on yourself.
Originally Posted by bdp
I have read everything about MLC and I am trying to figure out where she is at in the stages and what my chances are of reconciliation. I feel like I have a lot going for me in terms of kids, how bad her MLC is, her recognizing what she will lose etc.
Yes, reading and learning about MLC is helpful. We all need a certain level of understanding before we can move forward.
bdp, your W is in replay and will be for a while.
“I feel like I have a lot going for me in terms of kids, how bad her MLC is, her recognizing what she will lose etc.“
Let’s modify this a bit.
“I feel like I have a lot going for me in terms of kids, how bad her MLC is, her recognizing what she will lose etc.” You do have a lot going for you - don’t forget it. The rest is manipulation and thoughts about her rationally seeing what she will loose. She is irrational and cannot see the losses.
Originally Posted by bdp
I personally have been devastated, lost 30 pounds 180-150, but I do look amazing physically now. I'm trying hard to rebuild my confidence. We have decided to talk and treat each other like friends while she goes through this.
Obviously I am beyond scared about the outcome. I love my wife family kids etc. I want to save this so badly but she has zero desire to.
I understand your feelings of devastation. We all do. You will be alright.
I want you to consider your statement. “I want to save this so badly but she has zero desire to.“
I completely understand your feelings and how badly you want this, truly I do. And you see how she has zero desire to do so - for now.
Your first, and most important job is to save yourself. Focus on you and the kids.
I am sorry you are here.
And I am glad you are here. It can really help.
I hope to have many discussions with you.
Stay strong and focus.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Last night was amazing, the happiest she has been in 3 months. She actually initiated conversations, was playful with the kids, it was so nice to see.
Then she came into my room while I was sleeping and accused me of being on her phone. She is so paranoid about it. This was crushing because the great night felt like it was for nothing. She felt my frustration when I explained I wasn't, I can't and I don't want to.
2 months ago I was on her phone searching for answers, which I did find many. She can't let it go. Anyways I think she felt the slightest bad for it, she actually initiated conversation about kids this morning.
The past 3 months she has been depressed and barely talking or looking at me. That's why yesterday was such a pleasant moment.
