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#2846420 04/23/19 12:41 AM
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Hello. I'm married to a toxic wife and I need some advice/support. I'll try to make it as brief as possible.

Stats: married over 20 years, we married at 25. We're 48. Two children: 11y boy, 21y girl. She still lives at home.

We had trouble early on in the marriage. I seemed to have suddenly gotten sticker shock when I realized that I was now married and had not had much relationships prior. So our love life was rocky, and got worse.

Years later she found forum posts from me about girls I find attractive. Basically guys talking guy stuff. She was very upset and hurt and will never let it go regardless of how many times I've apologized. In the last 5-6 years things got very bad to the point where she started working as a contractor, traveling the county and would be away for weeks. She got more and more angry toward me, poking at everything she could and finally got very vicious and would tell me on a regular basis how she didn't want to be married and just wanted me out.

Kept getting worse until in 2015 she was intolerable. Basically making it impossible for me to stay as I couldn't sleep, eat, etc. from the abuse. Yes, women can be abusive, in fact I believe popular belief has it backwards; men are usually not vicious ass holes to their wives. That's rare, while in my research trying to deal with this I find that men get treated like crap on the regular by wives. That includes this book which confirms that divorce are mostly initiated by women.

So in 2015 we separated for a year. It was devastating to me. I got depressed and anxious. Our boy would stay with me one week then with her one week. I suggested that as it was the least harmful way to share our son imo. After months of therapy and time itself, I began getting over it and from the suggestions of the therapist I began to go out after dropping off my son because that was the worse day of the week for me.

She then started talking about getting back together and in 2016 we got back. It has been rocky at best. She got back to the point of telling me on a monthly basis that she didn't want me in her life including insults, accusations. Things would go up and down monthly, even weekly. This is what I mean by a toxic wife. Pulling me in one day and literally the next day telling me she wants out and hates me and whatnot. I'm always on thin ice with her.

Yesterday we got back from a week long vacation where we actually had sex for the first time in almost a year. Yesterday on the airplane she held my hand and put her head on my shoulder which I love. Then today, she texts me accusing me that I "still watch porn" and that I'm messaging other girls and tells me that I'm not the only one who wants a younger, better looking sex partner. She wants "to f younger better looking guys too". She said it like that, uncensored. Very hurtful obviously.

During vacation she started talking about feeling insecure in a bikini around me and that she didn't want to go with me to the beach, only with the kids. I insisted that she looks great and later when she was wearing it, I began telling her how hot I find her (which I do even tho she says she doesn't believe me). Even began hugging and playfully groping her which she liked, smiled and laughed while shooting me off playfully, We went to the beach and it went well. Had sex next day.

I know that I'm supposed to put myself in the mindset that I will be happy no matter what and I've told her that, and I know that I will since I already "survived" one split up. But I still would not want us to divorce and for the family to be split up. There's nothing I want more than for us to be happy and in love. I want her to be easy going, not getting intensely angry at every little thing as I do. I have not responded to her nasty text.

Last time she sent something like that I basically told her that I understand I'm looking into where I'll live and that we will be ok divorced (pretty much accepting it and not freaking begging or pleading anymore like the book suggests). She has come back around the times I've done that. I'm, just really tired of this retarded rollercoaster ride that I don't want any part of. How can I make it stop? And how should I deal with today's text?

Darvin #2846426 04/23/19 03:50 AM
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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
Darvin #2846437 04/23/19 10:28 AM
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drock...

up front it sounds to me like your wife is dealing with low self esteem and body image issues. those particular issues are ones that she has to do her own work on if she wants to improve them, BUT is there any truth to what she claims you are doing? watching porn? chatting other girls? I think you are doing the right thing by re-affirming to her that you find her attractive and want her, tough part is if she doesn't believe it herself. Perhaps some greater transparency with her on what she thinks you are doing? "Here's my cell phone, passcode is ***, I have nothing to hide"

my wife was very low self esteem and it got worse as she got older. no amount of positive words from you will fix that. are the two of you making time for each other during the week? are you still providing to her romance? are you still dating her? Those are some things I'd suggest you try, don't go over the top with it, but maybe her love tank is running low and some changes by you might help fill them up. also the 5 love languages...do you know which of those are most important to her? what can you do to provide those to her?

to me you don't sound so far gone. for sure she sounds like she's yo-yo'ing, how you respond I think will go a long way to how your sitch unfolds. to the extent that you can I would challenge you to try and understand her perspective as much as you can. many things that us guys see one way, ladies see quite differently. also as you say you don't have a great deal of relationship experience, now is a great time to get in here and read/learn and apply.

-B

Last edited by ballast; 04/23/19 10:31 AM.

Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
D Final: 6/19
Darvin #2846447 04/23/19 12:50 PM
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Darmin, probably your biggest mistake (and a mistake made by 99% of young couples today including my wife and me), is that you didn't do premarital counseling.

Second mistake was the forum posts. Seriously, what is a married man doing engaging in "guy talk"? That is what the vow "forsaking all others" is all about.

Third, mistake was not getting into MC when you got back together after the separation.

Your W is having a typical walkaway war internally, and it is also a classic rock song: should I stay or should I go.

I would highly suggest getting into IC. Maybe she will follow suit. And then I would also say that if you do decide to R eventually that you both get into MC. But IC for now. 180s. Make sure to GAL and work on detachment.

Last edited by Steve85; 04/23/19 12:51 PM.

M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Darvin #2846488 04/23/19 04:24 PM
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Originally Posted by Darmin
Hello. I'm married to a toxic wife and I need some advice/support.


You didn't really get too much into how she is abusing you, but you do describe the classic "cycle of abuse" that consists of the following:

Abuse --- Honeymoon/ Make up ---Tension --- (repeat)

So let me ask you this- why do you want to stay in a relationship with her? Like so, so many other victims of abuse it sounds to me like you are banking on her changing some day. SHE WILL NEVER CHANGE. If anything it will just keep getting worse.

Quote
She was very upset and hurt and will never let it go regardless of how many times I've apologized.


Abusers need reasons to justify their abuse, and once they latch onto a reason they will continue waving it in your face forever.You will never be "forgiven" for any perceived wrongs.

Quote
Yesterday we got back from a week long vacation where we actually had sex for the first time in almost a year. Yesterday on the airplane she held my hand and put her head on my shoulder which I love. Then today, she texts me accusing me that I "still watch porn" and that I'm messaging other girls and tells me that I'm not the only one who wants a younger, better looking sex partner. She wants "to f younger better looking guys too". She said it like that, uncensored. Very hurtful obviously.


That is a classic "cycle of abuse" example.

Quote
But I still would not want us to divorce and for the family to be split up. There's nothing I want more than for us to be happy and in love. I want her to be easy going, not getting intensely angry at every little thing as I do.


You're in love with a fantasy marriage that will more than likely never happen with her. You need to take stock of the past, what your M has been like, and ask yourself if you are OK with continuing THAT abusive marriage. Because I've seen this too many times before and it is not going to get better and you've got to let go of the idea that it will.

Quote
I'm, just really tired of this retarded rollercoaster ride that I don't want any part of. How can I make it stop?


I don't think you can. Life with her will always be an emotional roller coaster. Talk to your IC about this and see if he/ she says the same.

Quote
And how should I deal with today's text?


Personally I would recommend something you may find very hard to do. Draw a boundary that you are done being abused. Tell her if she wishes to talk to you with such hatred, anger and disrepect then you will no longer respond. And then if she keeps it up, don't reply.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Personally I would recommend something you may find very hard to do. Draw a boundary that you are done being abused. Tell her if she wishes to talk to you with such hatred, anger and disrespect then you will no longer respond. And then if she keeps it up, don't reply.
AS is very wise. He is giving you sound advise.


Boundaries work. period. You teach people how to treat you. Stand up for yourself.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Darvin #2846502 04/23/19 05:12 PM
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"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712

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