W and I had a conversation over some of what we discussed at mediation last week.
She still holds fast to the fact that I’m a flight risk......before she signs anything for the court rescinding that language, what she wants from me is: 1.) off of our current lease (more on that), 2.) a school contract / agreement for me for next year, 3.) she wants me to answer questions with ‘yes’ or ‘no’ whenever she wants those answers.
Apparently she will contact the leasing company tomorrow to ask about getting off of our current lease. I will be talking about some of the mediation points with L tomorrow; this will also be a talking point, too. I don’t think it will be as simple as her asking to get off of the lease; at first she asked me if I would contact the leasing company (I said nothing in response to that).
W asked me that if there is paperwork I need to sign to get her off of the lease, will I sign it? Me: We’ll see.
W also told me “this move is happening” on May 2nd—she plans on telling OS on Wednesday, and I told her I want to be there when she tells him.
Man, I’m going to hate that conversation.
Her dad is over this week (yeah W and I basically had this conversation right in front of him), and he and I took OS to the park earlier this afternoon. I held OS’ hand for most of the walk there; towards the end of our time at the park, he wanted to go someplace, and he just said to me ‘Will you follow me, Dada?,’ and I melted inside—how could I say no to that? So I went with him. I’m positively sick about missing time with YS—God, I’m gonna hate that. I love that little guy so much, too.
Will be talking with L on Tuesday morning about mediation points, plus talking about lease.
Any suggestions / advice for how to handle the conversation with OS? I’ve seen some stuff before, but I would appreciate a refresher.
As much as my heart breaks for the boys, and I’m also sure that this will be hard financially, I am also looking forward to being rid of her crazy. I know—I’ve seen the post about the view from the WAS perspective, and I know I could have been a better spouse / husband at times, but the last 3.5 months of the drama, the various threats by her, the slandering of my character to my face and in court documents, her calling me ‘deceptive’ repeatedly....I’m kinda done with her.
Drop the rope, throw it on the ground, and find a path that suits your personal needs and goals. Thats what important now.
I informed my kids, well my D5 (S2 has no idea what is up and down anyways), about our coming split, and basically I think it went as well as I could had hoped for. So here are my thoughts on the matter.
1. Do not by any means try and make this a blame game (we are splitting up and its all moms fault because she is a btch....) This is not your kids battle, and never should be.
2. Allow your kids to be curious, sad, happy, exited and whatever else comes to them, when they hear what is going on.
3. In extension of advice 1: Do instead of playing the game of blame, focus on the fact that you are two loving parents, and you always will be. You will always be there for them.
For my own situation, we informed our daughter that we are always her parents, that we love her so very very much, and that will never change. We are no longer in love, and will be moving to two separate houses in the near future, where she will have her own room, and that she will be living with both daddy and mommy but not at the same time. She and her brother will still be together every day, and it is going to be a new experience, but a good one.
She had a lot of questions, and we tried our very best to answer them, and still do when they pop up. I dont have any day to day convo with my ex any longer, but we are very good communicators when it comes to our daughter and son, and I will never change that.
So does that mean that we had a blissful ending to our relationship? god no, the woman cheated on me and left me half dead in the ditch when I was sick and needed her the most - but that is not for my kids to deal with - I dealt with that, by dropping the rope, I threw it on the ground, and I found a new path, a path towards a future I want, a future I can't wait to be living. A future involving me and my kids, and also that horrible ex of mine, because - she is the mother of my children, and she always will be - because of that, I will always talk about her with my utmost respect when my children have questions.
I was so afraid in the days leading up to the talk with my daughter, but when it was done, I felt a relief, because it was the ultimate marking of my new life as well. No more acting about the situation, no more making up stuff in regards to why ex wasn't around. I love honesty, even though honesty can also come in moderations (kids are on a need to know basis, as I said - its not their drama). Now honesty can be a big part of our daily lives again, and thats gold for me.
Onwards, upwards and one day at a time.
BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018. EA: June 2018 PA: August 2018 - ongoing Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
Any suggestions / advice for how to handle the conversation with OS? I’ve seen some stuff before, but I would appreciate a refresher.
Kids aren't ignorant of these matters, they've been around other kids going through it so it's not a foreign concept to them. The important thing with kids, especially young ones, is A) you make it abundantly clear this is not their fault (it's just a kid thing but they tend to think it's because they did something wrong) and B) that despite this you and W will always be there to love them and support them. A lot of people get tripped up in whether they should "cover" for their cheating spouse in this talk, but the talk should not even remotely be about why the S or D is happening. It should be completely focused on the kids and the impact to them. Ask him if he has any questions. If he does ask questions they will probably be logistical- where he will be living, if he still goes to the same school, etc. So try and be prepared. Ask him how it makes him feel. It will help if both of you are there.
Practically speaking, I will be solely responsible for the least and everything from the time W moves out. Ugh.
At least I got to snuggle YS back to sleep this morning—W handed him to me soon after I showered / got dressed. Trying to cherish every minute I can with him, every baby snuggle I can get from him.
Softball starts on May 4th (got pushed back two weeks, because of Holy Week, as well as field rentals).
OS’ school has a fundraiser on May 11th for “Dad’s Day Out”—it’s a poker tournament / outing with parents and families from the school. I bought a ticket, since W will have the boys for Mother’s Day weekend. Good for GAL, get out of the place.
Not sure how good of a poker player I am; but I’ve been good about keeping things close to the vest from W, as well as pretty much calling all of her bluffs at just about every point so far.
I’ve been really swamped at work the past couple of weeks—end of a grading period, so had to get some grades in, so that explains the relative lack of posting.
Some updates on the sitch:
W / STBXW and I told the boys last week. She held OS, while I held / carried YS. At first, there were some tears from OS, but then it turned more into excitement on his end. We both affirmed for him that we love them and will be there for them, and whatever they need, we will do for them. He seems much more excited about the new living arrangement—especially STBXW’s new place. OS has said that he is a mix of emotions—that he is a little excited, sad, confused, etc, which is fair enough, I guess. I just wonder how long the novelty of the new living situation will last.
W / STBXW will be taking out a good amount of her things tomorrow. She told me that she isn’t really going to fight me for a whole lot around here, which is nice. Her mom is coming over to help, while I’m at work and the boys are at sitter / school. It still doesn’t seem real to me, but honestly......I kinda am looking forward to not having her around. Sure, not having the boys for only a little bit will [bleep], but I will do my best to be as present to them as possible when I’m with them. Had some practice with this on Saturday, when STBXW got called into work for something—I had the boys that afternoon and evening. I fed YS lunch, the 3 of us played with bubbles out in the courtyard, I fed YS a bottle and he snoozed on me for about an hour, we videochatted with my mom, we went out to the store, and then out to dinner, and then put them to bed.
I know being on my own will be tough (especially emotionally and financially), but I also am looking forward to gaining clarity in many aspects of my life. I can start to build more intentionally the life that I want for myself and the boys—what I want to focus on personally, professionally, financially, etc., as well as parent the way I want to when I’m around them (I find W / STBXW and her mom to be rather permissive and emotionally smothering as parents, and I guess as individuals more generally). Also am looking forward to meeting people and restarting previous relationships. I am also looking forward to setting up the residence the way I want to—to organize it more my way, as well as upgrade some items (some furniture pieces), as well as figuring out what all I need to replace when STBXW takes what she takes. I do understand that we are all somewhat messy in our own way, but I am really looking forward to cleaning up our current residence and being free of her messiness—not just disorganization of stuff, but also the personal disorganization that has been a part of my life, especially with respect to finances, since she’s been involved in my life.
I bet some things that I will need to replace or focus on include: the dressers for the boys (belonged to STBXW and her sister, so I wouldn’t be surprised if she takes those), as well as a long bookcase her dad made (also may end up having to replace that). I should also look into getting renters’ insurance in my name (we’re both on it, in her name), as well as look into getting off of the cell phone (again, both on it, in her name).
So the first night when we’re officially apart is May 2nd (Thursday), as we have unofficially agreed on a custody arrangement for the months of May and June. I have the next day Friday, May 3rd off—no school, because it is the day after prom. Trying to figure out what my best course of action is. Do I stay in and clean? Do I go out and be out and about? Planning on having dinner out by myself that night anyway.
Softball starts on May 4th, which will be good. Been swimming when I’ve not been swamped by grading, or being sick (I’ve been sick so much this semester, and I’m so tired of it), and I genuinely like it. What I’ve noticed is that swimming really helps with running, believe it or not—probably helps with general overall fitness and endurance, but swimming probably really helps with breathing and allows me to run better, for longer. Saturday morning I did a 25-minute run and I felt great. I know LH posted about me doing more with running, or lifting, or even martial arts (which is in my past and fascinates my students)—perhaps a project for this summer will be to look into finding a good place / teacher for martial arts and to get back into that.
When I’ve told some other people (family and co-workers) about my sitch, one common thread keeps coming up: that I may most likely get the boys way more than I anticipate, because of her travel / work requirements. We’ll see. My L told me that I have asked for (and will be getting) more custody than most men / fathers in her experience get or ask for, so I guess that is a good thing for me.
Work notes: I met with the current department chair (she is retiring), and her replacement last week. I got the email to set up a meeting, and honestly I expected the worst—my mind was swimming with possibilities about what it could be, and I anticipated the absolute worst-case scenario because hey everything else is falling apart, why not this too so I can completely hit rock bottom? I kept thinking it through over and over again—my performance evaluations have been really good the last couple of years, no major complaints about me from colleagues, parents or students. Well—we had the meeting—turns out I will be teaching sophomores and juniors next year, and not juniors and seniors, which I’m admittedly a bit bummed about, but I’m willing to go with the flow and do what is needed to be a part of the team. They both thanked me for the flexibility, which was nice. I will also being going to the University of Notre Dame for an ethics / Life and Human Dignity symposium in late June—early July. One thing I believe I remember viewing in the forum is the idea of taking on new / different responsibilities at work and stepping it up career-wise, so I figured I’d do that. Sure, I’d hate to be away from the boys for that time, but I’ll have 3 months with them when STBXW is gone for training. My current department chair asked if I wanted to reconsider going in light of my current circumstances, but I told her I honestly believe that some time away from SoCal / my sitch may do me some good. Getting out, traveling, maybe meeting new people—all good things.
I also got a thank-you card from a current student. Her parents are D’ing (I pretty much picked up on that from the beginning of the year—from what she shared with me about her sitch, it sounds like her dad went full MLC on the family), and about 6 weeks ago she had something rather traumatic happen to her on campus. This young woman is honestly one of my top overall students—she is impossibly gifted, incredibly smart, a wonderful singer, possesses a remarkable grasp of her Catholic faith for a teenage girl, and she carries herself with a grace and maturity that is far beyond her 16-17 years on this planet. She is an absolute joy, and I love her dearly (I’ve told her to her face that if I ever had a daughter, I would want my daughter to be like her), I wrote her a letter of recommendation for the ND Vision student conference this coming summer, and I also nominated her for a student character award, because I see so much in her and I also know she could use the confidence boost. Part of her thank-you note to me read: “Throughout my life I have struggled to find male role models who I know I can depend on. However, I can confidently say that you are one of the few men who I admire and trust with my whole heart. Thank you for being a bright light in my life and helping me through darker times.”
On the one hand—Wow. I am so honored that she recognizes that and feels that way about me. I’m so so glad to be there for her and do what I can to serve her. On the other hand—in light of what I’m going through, I feel like such a massive fraud—if only she knew what my personal life has been like this school year. Her parents are D’ing, and how can she look up to me when I’m going through a D myself? (I’m sure this is probably a part of NGS that hasn’t totally melted away, but this tension / sense of shame has been difficult for me to reconcile, though I am sure that that will eventually fade away with personal effort, IC, and the simple passage of time and personal growth.)
Hokay, I’ve written just about enough for now—need to get to bed and get ready for this week. Looking forward to feedback and suggestions—thank you everyone and have a great night!
On the furniture, do you have an IKEA near you? Inexpensive stuff that looks good and is functional.
Hang in there. Though I've never been through it I did stare it in the face for a while. And I've known many friends that have gone through it. Believe it or not, no matter what, in a year you will think it is the best thing that ever happened to you.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
