So about 18 months ago my wife declared that she no longer wanted to married "like this". She was referring to years of control, manipulation and emotional abuse by me. She said that any physical interactions between us (intimacy) were over.
I begged her to get into couples counseling with me, but she said she needed to be on her own, to heal and to understand the pain she was going through and would not prioritize the marriage.
Months went by, I continued to ask...and was denied. I continued to work, doing the things I hadn't done for her, help with the house, the kids, the laundry, the dishes, the lunches...I wanted her to know I had changed. The biggest thing of course were my responses to her.
In July of last year she finally said she wanted to meet with her counselor where she dropped the bomb of having an affair (her 2nd one in 4 years). She said she wanted to give our marriage a shot. But she didn't let on that she was still talking with this OM and had also started an EA with another guy. Both men were from her high school past.
We began seeing a couples counselor who was really experienced with narcissism and control. I knew she'd feel validated and I would have to own my junk.
She finally ended speaking with her affair partners in October 2018 but asked for a separation. We can't afford a separation. She works part time, I work full time. We have kids 5, 7 and 8.
I have tried EVERYTHING, well except this method of detachment, GAL and trying to do things without drawing attention to myself, my changes and our future. It has only been 1 week.
She still presses me for a separation BUT really we don't have the means to do it. She wants to stay with a mutual friend a few days a week, but I refuse to leave our house, mostly because I don't want to break our kids' hearts more than once. If she doesn't love me, THEN DIVORCE ME. We have been doing this for 18 months already.
I am triggered by her phone every time it goes off. She is triggered by everything I do, even though she will tell me over and over I have changed. But she says that "she can't heal in this environment" so she needs to get out. But I notice that she's not trying very hard to get a full time job. She doesn't mind that I still provide the roof over our families' head and most of what we enjoy. I feel taken for granted BIG TIME.
But I must be clear...I want the dream. I want the marriage that lasts a lifetime. I don't want my kids to grow up in a broken home, visiting mom and dad in their apartments.
Any feedback you have would be appreciated. I have detached now for a week (I know, not long) and it has gotten worse. I have stopped initiating any I love you's or affection. I have pulled away and started digging in to my home projects and fitness. All she can say is, "Is there something wrong?"
Feeling hopeless and yet I understand the purpose of this is also to prepare myself for a happy life with ME. I am enough. I can get through this.
Appreciate you all.
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
si, what you're going through is very typical. many of us have been there. Likely you're dealing with a wayward wife. she is wanting to di what she wants but still cake eat. IE have other men but still have all the advantages and security of being married to you. Having other men but still being shielded from scrutiny from her children.
When a WW says they want their own place, it isn't to heal. It isn't to work on the marriage. It isn't even to find themselves. The only reason a WW wants their own place is to sleep with other people. I'm telling you that so you can understand her mindset right now.
I'm sure after the As you began 'paying attention" after years of not. You took her for granted which is why you feel she is now taking you for granted. Shoe is on the other foot. But also, we LBH's off WWs pay attention not always just to change but also to control. Are you snooping on her? Trying to look at her phone? Keeping tabs on where she goes? Ask yourself, is that really the way you want to live?
So yes you need to detach. You need to get a life. You need to continue to work on yourself (180s). But you also need to let her go to get her back. You need to stop all pressure and pursuit. You need to focus on yourself and your kids.
Remember, it takes two to make a marriage, only one to make a divorce. They choice to stay married isn't yours to make. So stop trying to control that.
You're right 1 week is a drop in the ocean in relation to your sitch. Yes it's a good sign she is asking what's wrong, my WW asked the same thing when I started detaching well. Most WWs will start to feel the loss of control. That's a good thing. So keep it up but make sure it isn't mean or angry. Just detached. Pleased. Present. Upbeat. But not reactionary to anything she says or does, both positive or negative.
Good luck, are you religious at all? If so rededicate yourself back to religion. If not, it might be a good place to start with GAL.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks a bunch for the feedback, I really appreciate it. I'm the kind of person that can not eat sweets for a year, so surely I can stick to some healthy boundaries, and apply some self love. This has been going on for so long now (18 months) that I'm not missing the contact as much as I used to.
I still long for the togetherness and wholeness of our family.
I suspect my wife is caught between a rock and a hard place while enjoying her cake though. She would have to tell the kids what is happening. She can't financially stand on her own. And if she were to have another affair, that would have nothing to do with my abuse to her. That pattern isn't happening anymore, our CC would confirm that.
For now, it's a GAL time. Back in great shape. Pressing into Jesus. Take on new projects at work. Love on my kids.
We have a counseling appt tomorrow - she'll claim I'm being controlling by not moving out to do "nesting" at the house. We actually still sleep in the same bed. I'm cordial, we watch some of the same shows. And when I want to go to sleep, I do. No questions about affairs (past or suspected). She is hanging out with GF who are recently divorced, likes to go drinking but comes back to the safety of our house.
She even puts up new decorations and re-arranges the house (which is confusing AF for someone that wants to separate).
Thanks again for the feedback!!
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
si, yep, my W was very similar to that as well. If the nesting issue comes up simply say "I will not stand in your way if you want to leave, but I won't support a "nesting" situation." My W had a plan to get a job, get her own place, and get a D. She never followed through. If you want to have the togetherness and wholeness you have to let her waywardness run its course. It could do so soon, or it could take another 18 months or more.
Just keep DBing.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks so much for confirming that Steve. My counselor agrees to...I shouldn't have to move out. The downside is that she'll see me as controlling, but I'm not going to let her call all the shots NOR to I want to leave my house or kids. This is her decision not to work.
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
So about 18 months ago my wife declared that she no longer wanted to married "like this". She was referring to years of control, manipulation and emotional abuse by me. She said that any physical interactions between us (intimacy) were over.
So for years you were controlling, manipulative and abusing her emotionally. And you acknowledge you were doing this. It sounds like you've stopped which is great, but here's the thing- what assurance does she have that it won't happen again, that you won't fall right back into old habits if she decides to give the M another chance? This is her dilemma. She's been through a lot and even though you've changed, she doesn't BELIEVE your changes yet. She needs TIME for that, and a lot of it. Try and have some sympathy for what she is going through.
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I begged her to get into couples counseling with me, but she said she needed to be on her own, to heal and to understand the pain she was going through and would not prioritize the marriage.
She needs to be in IC, not MC. Is she?
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I continued to work, doing the things I hadn't done for her, help with the house, the kids, the laundry, the dishes, the lunches...I wanted her to know I had changed.
This is all beta behavior and not the "change" she is looking for. It's not unusual for LBS's to do this thinking it will help, but really you're talking about being a great maid, which is cool in a healthy relationship, but obviously it's not something that's going to attract her back.
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I have tried EVERYTHING
You haven't tried the one thing that works better than anything else- TIME.
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She still presses me for a separation BUT really we don't have the means to do it.
What do you mean "presses" you? Your attitude should be that if she wants to leave then she's welcome to leave. But don't help her (or block her), it's her responsibility.
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She wants to stay with a mutual friend a few days a week, but I refuse to leave our house, mostly because I don't want to break our kids' hearts more than once.
Are you blocking her somehow? If she wants to go stay with someone then let her. But don't leave yourself.
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If she doesn't love me, THEN DIVORCE ME.
This is not a black-and-white issue. She's confused and in turmoil and you need to give her time and space to sort it out. Don't pressure her to stay, don't pressure her to leave, don't pressure her to D, don't pressure her to reconcile. REMOVE ALL PRESSURE.
Thanks so much AnotherStander. Your advice is well received. She believes to some degree in the changes but has overwhelming fear of my past patterns, facial expressions, old reactions, etc. Which I completely understand as I was emotionally and mentally abused growing up. I do NOT for any reason think she should simply get over it OR that forgiveness means one forgets.
The sticking point currently is that she feels blocked by me not cooperating to join her in moving out for 50/50 time at home. We meet with the counselor again tomorrow. She has been in IC for 18 months (along with her affairs) and we just started CC about 5 months ago.
I am planning to stand my ground with not moving out, not that it's not cooperating.
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
The sticking point currently is that she feels blocked by me not cooperating to join her in moving out for 50/50 time at home.
That's called a "nesting arrangement" and most of us here are not big fans of it. A couple of people here have tried it due to financial difficulties though. My attitude about that is if you don't want to do it then stick to your guns. Be polite but firm, tell her it's a non-negotiable point and you are not leaving the house. If she wants to leave then that's on her to figure out how to make it work.
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She has been in IC for 18 months (along with her affairs) and we just started CC about 5 months ago.
Glad she is in IC. If CC doesn't go well then consider terminating it. Generally a WAS just goes to CC so they can cross it off their list of "Things I Tried To Save The M But That Just Proved It Was Already Over". In other words they are just looking for excuses to end the M, so if the counselor says something like "well maybe you should separate" then the WAS will jump all over it and say "see, the counselor recommended it so it must be right."
Yes. Totally glad to hear that nesting isn't the preferred arrangement here nor is leaving the MBR. I'm not the one that wants the space or needs the space, so I'll stay here in my space. I really appreciate the encouragement to communicate that in a healthy way.
Our couples counselor actually kept hearing her say she needed separation but do nothing about it. aka. EATING LOTS OF CAKE. He didn't tell me this but I could see him calling her bluff and asking her to draw up a plan to separate; financially, logistically, etc. She doesn't have one. I'm not going to shoulder the blame for her plan not being complete.
Her IC is fully supporting her (which an IC should) but she also leads an emotionally abusive women's group. My wife sometimes comes home to talk about the other husbands who won't even acknowledge they were abusive, who are still manipulating their wives for sex and are downright nasty.
The ingredients I haven't added to my situation are patience and time. I'm just now (thanks to this group) understanding the strength and need to GAL, and being confident to validate my W, but not be a pushover.
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
I moved out of master bedroom. I nested. I moved out of the marital home. I highly recommend against this. It will not help your relationship with W. She will lose respect for you.
Your goal is for your wife to respect you. Your job is to love your wife.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
To echo R2C, my W proposed bird-nesting back in early January.
On the advice of several people in the forum, my L, as well as my mom and uncle, I turned it down categorically. I told her that if she wants out of MR, she could leave at any time.
W is currently threatening to move out around May 2nd; however, because I held firm on the bird-nesting, it bought me an extra three-and-a-half months with my boys under our roof, which to me is absolutely priceless.
So about 18 months ago my wife declared that she no longer wanted to married "like this". She was referring to years of control, manipulation and emotional abuse by me.
Do you agree you've control, manipulated, and have been emotionally abusive? If so, can you give some examples?
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I begged her to get into couples counseling with me, but she said she needed to be on her own, to heal and to understand the pain she was going through and would not prioritize the marriage.
So, has she been "abused" throughout the relationship? Have either or both of you ever gone to counseling to work through any issues within the relationship?
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In July of last year she finally said she wanted to meet with her counselor where she dropped the bomb of having an affair (her 2nd one in 4 years). She said she wanted to give our marriage a shot. But she didn't let on that she was still talking with this OM and had also started an EA with another guy. Both men were from her high school past.
The MR doesn't have a shot as long as she continues to reach out to other men. The minute she started flirting or talking privately with some other guy........she barricaded her heart from having loving feelings for you. Nothing changes until she decides and adheres to NC with anymore guys.
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Months went by, I continued to ask...and was denied. I continued to work, doing the things I hadn't done for her, help with the house, the kids, the laundry, the dishes, the lunches...I wanted her to know I had changed. The biggest thing of course were my responses to her.
Well how's that working for you? You want to do this for a woman who has told you she will not prioritize her marriage? From what I can tell, it's her that needs to make changes!
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We began seeing a couples counselor who was really experienced with narcissism and control. I knew she'd feel validated and I would have to own my junk.
So which of you are narcissistic? Let me guess, she had no problem going to couple's counseling when it's you that is the focus of the M problems.
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I am triggered by her phone every time it goes off. She is triggered by everything I do, even though she will tell me over and over I have changed. But she says that "she can't heal in this environment" so she needs to get out. But I notice that she's not trying very hard to get a full time job. She doesn't mind that I still provide the roof over our families' head and most of what we enjoy. I feel taken for granted BIG TIME.
Yep! And if you are so bad that it's driving her to all these men. it seems she would be finding financial resources (like full time employment) to get out.
Until I hear more about your abusive ways, I tend to think she is wayward. I'm not saying you don't have some stuff to work out. But, I will say that it is unusual to see a wayward W with an abusive H. It's not too unusual to see a WW accuse the H of being abusive, controlling, or whatever else she thinks will justify her affair. Hopefully, you will expound on your behavior, and then I can respond.
There is a rebellion. resentment (usually long term), loss of respect for the H, coldness, selfishness, deceit, and stubborn pride in the heart of a wayward W. There is a cold spirit about her, that sets her apart from other categories. Some have been known to neglect/abandon their own children. The H looks at her and wonders who she is, b/c she seems for foreign compared to the girl he married.
Okay, so currently I am just trying to get more information. In the meantime, don't repeat any of this to her or the counselor. Don't share the book. These tools are just for you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I love the knowledge bombs Sandi. I completely agree with you - there is never any behavior that justifies an affair or 3. But I have been an abusive husband.
Insecure, pouting, yelling, belittling her in front of others, would storm and stonewall, be moody for sex, get mad if she wanted to do things her way, be threatened by her opinion if different from mine, I was nothing of the husband I wanted to be.
I've spent a lot of time in counseling, meeting with other men, pastors, reading, journaling, wanting to understand and change these triggers and behaviors. I know the root of it was my childhood. And while I haven't been perfect, I am completely different in understand how these tendencies were so hurtful.
Fast forward to last week - her IC who does work with abused women exclusively reached out to our CC who has been doing this for 30+ years and has said to me that she has completely checked out and still in the abuse narrative. He told her counselor that he thought my W was not understanding how work able I was - but her counselor said that my W had no plans to rejoin me in the marriage being restored.
When I heard that last week, I asked my W why she didn't just want to divorce me. At this point, even my conviction to not divorce my wife has been challenged as I feel like "let's get on with it if you're going to leave". She hasn't told her parents the extent of it (of anything I believe) but whatever she's not satisfied with still isn't enough to make her pound the pavement for full time work. She's got it too good, taking naps during the day, watching Game of Thrones and going out with her work friends.
Tonight was the first time I have noticed that she's suspicious of something new in my checking out. I'm not hovering. Not trying to be affectionate. Not engaging.
She asked if anything was wrong ( she has several times this week) and I smiled and said not at all. She then said that I was being emotionally distant.
Later tonight I could tell she was even testing me to see if she could get a reaction. She was referencing that someone looked like her X from college and she remembers that "when she was over him emotionally, she was REALLY over him." I could tell it was a little jab and I did not even flinch.
I am so grateful for this group to know that many other people are going through these same things. Love y'all.
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
New here. My old thread "A Real Mess" describes our situation. I had been very emotionally abusive to my wife for over 10 years, as we both grew up with that environment. She has had 3 affairs during that time - and I have been working for the last 18 months to try and put the marriage back together.
We saw our CC this morning, and he was basically calling her out to stop being ambiguous about what she wanted to do.
She finally admitted she can't heal in our marriage environment anymore. She admitted she can't see spending the rest of her life with me. She wants a divorce.
But not until she gets a full time job and she can provide for herself. Ironic as I just started DB'ing her last week and she was noticing. For the last year and a half, I'll admit I was doing all the wrong things. I made the changes, but would ask if she could see them. I served the hell out of our family which I hadn't done before. Cleaning house, doing laundry, making lunches & dinners, lots I hadn't done.
So, I guess my question is, do I hold out hope here? I know I should be GAL and detaching. I think my wife was shocked I didn't explode during the session. Our CC cut off any more couples sessions. I validated her feelings and told her I understood.
What next?
Last edited by Cadet; 04/23/1905:30 PM. Reason: threads merged
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
New here. My old thread "A Real Mess" describes our situation. I had been very emotionally abusive to my wife for over 10 years, as we both grew up with that environment. She has had 3 affairs during that time - and I have been working for the last 18 months to try and put the marriage back together.
We saw our CC this morning, and he was basically calling her out to stop being ambiguous about what she wanted to do.
She finally admitted she can't heal in our marriage environment anymore. She admitted she can't see spending the rest of her life with me. She wants a divorce.
But not until she gets a full time job and she can provide for herself. Ironic as I just started DB'ing her last week and she was noticing. For the last year and a half, I'll admit I was doing all the wrong things. I made the changes, but would ask if she could see them. I served the hell out of our family which I hadn't done before. Cleaning house, doing laundry, making lunches & dinners, lots I hadn't done.
So, I guess my question is, do I hold out hope here? I know I should be GAL and detaching. I think my wife was shocked I didn't explode during the session. Our CC cut off any more couples sessions. I validated her feelings and told her I understood.
What next?
First of all. Deep breaths. Breathe. Calm down. They all get there. My W said those things to me on Bomb day. She was sure. Didn't want to be married to me anymore. Didn't have any attraction to me. Said I was like X to her (X being a guy we both know that she has no attraction for at all).
10 weeks later she couldn't keep her hands off of me, all thoughts of Ding were gone, and we started piecing and going to MC. The one thing that WWs are consistent about is that they are wildly inconsistent. So yes, right now she feels that way. Tomorrow she could be telling you she wants to recommit to the marriage.
What next? Stay the course. Focus on you. GAL. Detach. Keep up the 180s. The one thing that will seal your fate is slipping back into old behaviors.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I think my wife was shocked I didn't explode during the session.
This is part of seducing your wife back. Surprise her. make her think of you different. Old you is now dead. The new and improved you needs to step up. Alpha male.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Thanks so much for the encouragement Ready2Change and Steve85. I am determined to stay the course. I understand that walking in integrity, making changes is really a win-win. If she decides to leave, I have done the work that I can still benefit from....even in my next relationship if it gets to that.
Love y'all. Again thanks so much.
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
Thanks so much for the encouragement Ready2Change and Steve85. I am determined to stay the course. I understand that walking in integrity, making changes is really a win-win. If she decides to leave, I have done the work that I can still benefit from....even in my next relationship if it gets to that.
Love y'all. Again thanks so much.
Hang in there buddy. It will get better. Just have to stay patient, ride it out, and focus on yourself.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I'll join the party buddy...you are not alone...very similar stories. My WW called me abusive, controlling all of that. I never ;laid a hand on her and thought my decisions and actions were to make sure our family ended up in the right place for the long term.
Listen to what is said here...work on yourself...get the old you back that made you attractive, not just to your W but to others. We all got away from that, lost who we were and got comfortable. This part [censored]..getting started but you can do it.
Take care of yourself, especially physically. I rediscovered my physique at age 48, my wardrobe changed, I felt better about myself..people noticed and I realized that I could move on alone and start over.
Oh yeah..and most importantly take care of your kids! If she wants to move out...let her go but you go nowhere. You aren't stopping her from getting a FT job.
It [censored] I know this is my Ws second PA in 10 years...wanted to kill myself but I got through it and although it took about 10 months finally let go and let go hard. It wacked her in the head and brought her back around...still a work in progress but it is a start.
We were at D, sep a few times but once the burden was put on her I realized that she was lost.
Stay in touch and post, read, research....and take care of yourself...always!
Last edited by lost8; 04/23/1909:10 PM.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
I know the investment of detaching will pay off in the long run EITHER way. I love fitness, it's great to dig back into it. And my kids (5,7 and 8) will be devastated for us to split but they are very sure of my love for them. So while confusing they will be good.
Last night was interesting. My wife got all bent out of shape that I didn't call her that I was coming home early to get one of our kiddos to his Kindergarten meet-and-greet. While what I was doing was buying groceries for the kids that she quite frankly has the time to know and buy during her day.
She asked if I was mad when I got home about the divorce meeting. I said no, I wanted her to be happy.
She kept poking and prodding to see if I was mad. Asked if being on her phone made me mad. Told her she didn't need to run that by me, that was her business. Asked if I was mad that she was watching her own show, I didn't flinch.
This morning when i took the kids to school, I turned to walk away from what used to be a hug and kiss and she screamed out "Love You Daddy..." which she kept saying until I replied. So she is still wanting to keep me around to enjoy her cake.
This is gonna be a tough road. I'm very resentful that she is taking her sweet time to find a full time job so she can afford to divorce me.
This is a good deal for her.
I can't wait to get to the gym today, looking forward to doing a goals board for myself, looking forward to getting for coffee and prayer. With my emotions so wacked out over this, I need Heaven's perspective.
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
I know the investment of detaching will pay off in the long run EITHER way. I love fitness, it's great to dig back into it. And my kids (5,7 and 8) will be devastated for us to split but they are very sure of my love for them. So while confusing they will be good.
Last night was interesting. My wife got all bent out of shape that I didn't call her that I was coming home early to get one of our kiddos to his Kindergarten meet-and-greet. While what I was doing was buying groceries for the kids that she quite frankly has the time to know and buy during her day.
She asked if I was mad when I got home about the divorce meeting. I said no, I wanted her to be happy.
She kept poking and prodding to see if I was mad. Asked if being on her phone made me mad. Told her she didn't need to run that by me, that was her business. Asked if I was mad that she was watching her own show, I didn't flinch.
This morning when i took the kids to school, I turned to walk away from what used to be a hug and kiss and she screamed out "Love You Daddy..." which she kept saying until I replied. So she is still wanting to keep me around to enjoy her cake.
This is gonna be a tough road. I'm very resentful that she is taking her sweet time to find a full time job so she can afford to divorce me.
This is a good deal for her.
I can't wait to get to the gym today, looking forward to doing a goals board for myself, looking forward to getting for coffee and prayer. With my emotions so wacked out over this, I need Heaven's perspective.
So many similarities to my sitch! Right down to shouting "love you" as I was leaving for work.
I do not mean to give you false hope, but my SAHM wife also was going to get a job, get an apartment and D me. When I told her the only way we could stay together was through full transparency (BTW, I do not recommend that approach) she started working on her resume in earnest. But the very next day, she came out weepy, saying she didn't want to want to D, that she knew God hated D. I was like you, I remained unflinching in telling her she had to do what made HER happy. If that meant getting a job and leaving me, so be it. She never finished her resume.
Do not assume she will follow through on any of this. Just keep DBing. Great job on not taking her "are you mad" bait. Been there and I know how hard that can be. Listen. Validate.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve85 to be honest, I am realizing that I was not a very whole person 13 years ago when we got married. I was (and still struggle) very insecure. This entire process is refining me, teaching me that I can be ok. My counselor said something the other day that hit me right between the eyes.
You'll figure it out.
I don't feel like I can or will, but I'm believing it more every day. And from confirmations from others going through the same things like yourself, and using healthy boundaries and habits, I know I can't lose.
My old marriage is over either way. I have to grieve the dream, and at the end of the day I need to be satisfied with who I am. I am slowly getting there.
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
I need some help. Not sure what to do. I let my curiousity get the better of me and looked at our phone records. There is a number that's been sent TMs like crazy in the last 2 days. Not sure who it belongs to and it has my anxiety spiked through the roof. Of course I want to confront or find out who it is.
I mean my marriage is already f****** so GAHHHHH.
Need some encouragement.
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
Just keep your eyes on your road. Does it change anything with your MR? Or does it change inside you? It´s about you first man. Control only yourself.
Set some boundaries, relax, don´t reveal sources if you confront her. Don´t use an accusatory stand. Just let her know that you know. By the way...what do you know?
This is a marathon. I know you have been running a long time so...
...time and patience
Keep DB, keep posting.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Never reveal sources of Intel. Never reveal what you know.
You just reveal that you DO KNOW.
"we both know you are lying" goes along way.
Intel is good if you can handle it. Ignore this if you can't handle it.
Go to Walmart and buy a "burner phone". Call the number, put your phone on mute and just listen. It may be male, may be female. It may go to voice mail. They may use a first name. DO NOT SAY ANYTHING. Keep what you learn to yourself (or share here). Do not any under circumstances say anything to your spouse.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Guys. Thanks so much for the feedback. I'm thinking that the texts are actually from a number that my daughter (8years) is back and forth with a friend from school. I can likely look and see if it's there in the morning without being found out.
Pretty broken today. I saw my wife is applying pretty hard for full time jobs since the meeting with the CC. I have said nothing about the meeting or R talk. I can hold off doing that pretty well.
I did look at her call log after our meeting. She talked with her younger sister for a long time but NEVER calls her parents or just her mom. That to me is strange.
My most emotional times now are with the kids knowing we are going to break their hearts that we aren't staying married.
How much does anyone recommend me leveraging a deadline for my wife to file? I'm not trying to be divorced but she left her decision to leave so open ended - until she gets a good FT job. She literally said it could be a month it could be a year. Not sure how long I could do this, I certainly could with my kids in mind, but if you don't want me then let's move forward.
I know this gives me more time to DB, which I am just scratching the surface with. She must be in shock that I am not telling her I love her, talking about the future, talking about figuring it out or anything.
I wish I was further along with confidence, or at least not in so much limbo.
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
Forgot to mention. She is still wearing her wedding ring.
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
In my mind you have a few choices. You can file for divorce. You can not file for divorce. Either way you can continue to DB.
You can’t control her choices. If she wants to get divorced, she will file. Let her do the work.
Giving her a deadline to file for divorce will not likely work out well. It will just be viewed as more controlling behavior, and rightfully so.
You can set a deadline for yourself if you want, a time in which you are going to move forward by filing for divorce, but not a deadline for her to make a choice or take action.
Control what you can control brother. You, your actions, your thoughts, your emotions, those are things you can control.
Me40; W38; S12; D9 BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18 D Final 7/2020 Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
si, patience. General guidance is to give it at least a year. After a year it would be difficult for anyone to accuse you of pulling the trigger too fast. Here's the deal though, the deadline is for you, not her.
Limbo is the gift of time. LBSs that get blindsided with BD and then the WAS leaves right away would kill to have some limbo time. If you are having patience issues likely you aren't doing enough GAL. Those that struggle the most do the worst job at GAL.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I know what you mean about not knowing how to move forward emotionally. One thing that worked for me is to set a timeline for myself. Until that date, I would make zero decisions, and just keep on with my life.
I chose a 3 month mark and then a 6 month mark. At each of those points I reassessed my own feelings, how things had (or hadn't) changed in my sitch, and what I was feeling I wanted out of life.
To be honest, not a ton has changed in the 6 months. But what this did for me was it gave me permission to not think about it. I just let time happen while I was busy doing other things. Not obsessing over "will I be D? Will we somehow be together?" was very helpful.
I've gotta say thank you so much for the encouragement that everyone has offered. It has given me strength that even at the age of 46 didn't think I'd have to figure it all out. I've never been as secure as I'd like to be. Always depended on my wife to provide that. Tough lesson that manifested itself as control and manipulation.
Last night and this morning were a total contradiction. She was on her phone a ton - kept putting it down opposite side of the bed. Swiped away very quickly when using it around me. She has an iphone so there are ton of conversations done through iMessage that I'll never see on phone records. The number I did see repeatedly was a friend of our daughters. I usually go to bed earlier than her but woke up a few times to see her with a pile of pillows blocking my view of her watching Game of Thrones but also texting (who I don't know). That definitely charges me up and usually affects my mood but I was able to push through.
And then this morning was pretty upbeat. We go the kids ready and I wished her a good day with a big smile without attempting ANY affection. She replied, "No hug?" This unfortunately gives me some hope, confuses me and saddens me.
The GAL thing is hard for me at the moment as I don't want her to get to spend ALL the time with the kids. I know I can go out after the kids are asleep. I should, she does. Out with her girlfriends and young friends (in their early 20s and she is 38).
I am a deeply spiritual man. I want to honor my wife and marriage, repent for my mistakes, but have my self respect. I need more patience. Time I have unless by some miracle she lands a high paying job and wants to leave. Highly unlikely. She still wants her summers at the pool, working part time. I would bet she declines any offers until the Fall (if she gets any).
This process is a beast. I re-read the DB points every day. I go back and re-read the encouragement. I am getting stronger. I plan on being attractive as hell Back at the gym. Keeping my eyes on health.
Hope you all have a great Thursday.
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
I did look at her call log after our meeting. She talked with her younger sister for a long time but NEVER calls her parents or just her mom. That to me is strange.
That's actually pretty normal. WAS's look for enablers- people who will encourage them to leave the M and engage in affairs. IE- "tell them what they want to hear". As you can imagine most parents don't do that, they typically discourage that type of behavior. So it's very typical for WAS's to distance from their parents after BD.
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How much does anyone recommend me leveraging a deadline for my wife to file?
If you mean leverage it to "wake your wife up" or "snap her out of it", etc., then you have no leverage. There's no quick fix here. You only have one path to a possible reconciliation and it's not an easy one. You give her time and space and spend months or maybe even years working on yourself and making yourself "the spouse only a fool would leave".
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Not sure how long I could do this, I certainly could with my kids in mind, but if you don't want me then let's move forward
.
Remember why you said you were here to begin with? Because you controlled and manipulated your W for years, and subjected her to emotional abuse? How is ^^^that^^^ any different? It's not, that is STILL you trying to control and manipulate. How about giving her some time and space instead and WORK ON YOU.
The GAL thing is hard for me at the moment as I don't want her to get to spend ALL the time with the kids. I know I can go out after the kids are asleep. I should,
Be Dad first, GAL 2nd.
I remember sitting with the kids thinking "Enjoy this now, it will be changing soon". That was 10 years ago.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Is anyone here DB'ing while still sleeping in the same bed? Separated in every way except separate?
Do you think I should follow up with an attorney? Look at some apartments? I'm gutted that we are both gonna be broke and separate.
I'm with the kids tonight. Trying to enjoy my time with them. Having to hide while crying so they don't ask why. If they do I tell them it's because I love them.
My wife emotionally separated from me 18 months ago. To keep going just feels like it's gonna be so dang hard.
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
You should stay "in the know" about your legal rights/options as well as potential apartments. But not necessarily pursue these in an effort to make the first move. But knowledge will only help you.
Consult a lawyer to be informed, but until things change (by your decision or your W's) no need to take action.
Keep an eye out on apartments (what they cost, what is available in your area, how often is turnover, are they safe (for kids to be there) etc.) but don't sign anything until things change. Keep your browser history clear for your research. You're not trying to start anything - but you should be aware of all your options.
I packed up all my XW things in a box and put it on the kitchen counter. I told her I refuse to share my W with another man. She said her EA was just a friend. I told her I don't believe it and said find somewhere else to sleep end of discussion. Call it respect, fear, whatever, she could see how serious I was and didn't push it. She slept on the couch or our S bed until she moved out. At one point my father had to talk me down from physically throwing her out. Glad I didn't, a confrontation like that might have prevented me from getting 50/50 custody.
Just remember she dumped you like a piece of trash.... don't be a piece of trash. Show yourself you are much better than that.
Last edited by Twofeet; 04/26/1901:05 AM.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
you should read my threads. Click my name and hit show forum posts.
You also remind of a friend of mine on here, read his threads: [url=http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=userposts&id=40184][/url] He never let go of her for more than a day or two, never stopped pursuing and had a very long separation like yours.
Detaching and doing your own thing is a great start. But you need to jump off the teeter totter with her. If she is ever ready to commit, you have to slow play it. She will show you how serious she is over the course of time and try to show you she is serious. This was one of my mistakes.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
.....Having to hide while crying so they don't ask why. If they do I tell them it's because I love them.
Tell them "I am crying because I am sad." IF they ask why you are sad, "We are emotional beings. Somethings just make us sad and we need to cry to feel better"
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My wife emotionally separated from me 18 months ago.
It is critical that you are an emotional rock when you are around W. You are a man and in control of your emotions. This is attractive to the ladies.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Thanks for the feedback guys. I really appreciate it.
I need some help from a MASTER INVESTIGATOR.
I suspect my wife has reached out to her AP from last year. I saw an odd number called over the weekend from her phone records. It only happens 5 times over the course of 2 days BUT they only last 1 minute which make me think they have connected through some other calling app.
When I was able to get ahold of her phone this morning before I left for work, the calls were not listed in the log. Not sure if the phone would dial itself (right) or if she erased them. The last time they were communicating they had made up undercover FB pages to call by messenger that way. She hasn't been overly secretive with her phone - I was able to look at it this morning.
Anyone who is a brilliant detective. What other things should I be looking for?
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
Thanks for the feedback guys. I really appreciate it.
I need some help from a MASTER INVESTIGATOR.
I suspect my wife has reached out to her AP from last year. I saw an odd number called over the weekend from her phone records. It only happens 5 times over the course of 2 days BUT they only last 1 minute which make me think they have connected through some other calling app.
When I was able to get ahold of her phone this morning before I left for work, the calls were not listed in the log. Not sure if the phone would dial itself (right) or if she erased them. The last time they were communicating they had made up undercover FB pages to call by messenger that way. She hasn't been overly secretive with her phone - I was able to look at it this morning.
Anyone who is a brilliant detective. What other things should I be looking for?
Google the number. You can usually do a reverse address lookup (by phone number) and get the name and address of the person who's listed under said number. I think I paid $1-$2 and then immediately cancelled the monthly subscription they make you sign up for. There were numerous providers for this information if I remember correctly. It took me about 3 minutes to find the name on the phone number who my exWW was contacting. I was 99.9% sure who's number it was so I did it for 100% confirmation. My opinion is the internet has probably caused cheating/As to increase tenfold in the past 20 years. It's just too easy to contact/communicate with people in this day and age and the ease at which it can happen with the numerous avenues of doing so without it being so blatantly out in the open makes it so much easier for these people to fall into "the trap." Those aren't excuses for waywards at all, just reality and possibly human nature to some extent.
On the flip side, the internet, and technology in general, also provides us with many ways in which to investigate and uncover the truth, too. Hell, I was able to track my exWW's vehicle with the maker's app to determine it's location and went as far as looking back through my security camera footage to pinpoint and uncover a "meetup" she had with the AP. She thought she was being sneaky by meeting him a block away from my house one time when I was gone. Told me she was going to X. The security camera, when I was able to zoom in, clearly showed her turning the exact opposite direction of where she was "suppose" to be going! :-)
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
Thanks for the feedback guys. I really appreciate it.
I need some help from a MASTER INVESTIGATOR.
I suspect my wife has reached out to her AP from last year. I saw an odd number called over the weekend from her phone records. It only happens 5 times over the course of 2 days BUT they only last 1 minute which make me think they have connected through some other calling app.
When I was able to get ahold of her phone this morning before I left for work, the calls were not listed in the log. Not sure if the phone would dial itself (right) or if she erased them. The last time they were communicating they had made up undercover FB pages to call by messenger that way. She hasn't been overly secretive with her phone - I was able to look at it this morning.
Anyone who is a brilliant detective. What other things should I be looking for?
Forget about her. Why play detective? You already know. So let go quit talking quit trying quit pursuing quit looking weak and go make your life the best it possibly can be. What is it going to do for you if you know she's still cheating? You gonna bail out and file for D? She's not telling you she wants to fix things right?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
If you still want to go there with the investigating... try to get access to the cell phone account through the carrier, and you can go through the list of numbers that way. As far as sneaking around with apps and stuff like that. If you can try to go into the Google account search history and settings, if she has a laptop around the house, there should be a setting where you can get the password information for all logins if she cached them. You can even find hotel reservations if it's done electronically. Google links multiple devices like laptops and cell phones as well concerning emails, app usage, search history, passwords for apps, maps histories, place has been places, searched. There are also ways to Ping her device or her phone and get her locations in current real time. Just make sure you turn the notifications off on her phone because when you ping her a notification will come up that's Google device has been found and pinged. Find device app can do this.
Let me ask you something is going to really do you any good to know who it is? As long as you have a good idea and efficient amount of evidence that she's definitely cheating. As long as you know and develop patterns. That's really all you need to know. Trust all of us on this it's going to make you mentally and physically sick. Keep tabs on occasion and drop it for a while, otherwise it's going to consume you. You probably want to keep more of an eye on where she's moving, and if she's doing any legal research related to child support, child custody, divorce, mediation, etc. Put your heart and your relationship aside because it's dead. Stay 20 moves ahead on her in the legal game do your research have your consultations and keep tabs on where she is at with that. You have to protect you and your children first. Drop the rope and have some self-respect as an individual. You are not the one cheating she is. Your happiness your contention your values and your self-esteem does not come from your wife. Understand!? Try to balance your emotions bwtween yourself, who you right now, who you want to become, and who your W currently is. Be aware of this because it's very easy to lose your sense of self of Who You Are.
If you need any help assistance or technical tips send the questions I'll answer the best I can.
Ovrrnbw. I understand why si13 is doing it. Although we all know here from experience it doesn't do any good for ourselves. Not healthy, and could potentially cause a nervous breakdown. Confirmation and soild evidence is enough. Confirm it and move on with your life. It's unimportant who the person is where they live what their phone number is. The WW is going to do what they want to do anyway. It's enough to verify and it's also enough can you use possibly in a court depending on the circumstance when filing for D. Depends on how it's obtained and whether it's violates privacy issues. Has to be in a public setting though, or you have to have legal access to records.
We all have so much attachment of our identity to our spouses is that we forget who we are and forget to self differentiate our values and beliefs. Self Differention as Steve85 calls it. The reality of it is as everyone has their own learning curves emotional time and space and realization of things to gain clarity. But it's the truth. The sooner we focus on ourselves the more into Clarity we get of who we are as individuals, and that's how we get our mojo back, and make ourselves attractive come hell or high water D or R. ,
Y'all are right. When she was having the affair I was pretty heavily sedated on anti-anxiety.
I will just confirm and then let that all go. It doesn't matter at this point and I need to stand on my own 2 feet. I am getting my ducks in a row, not believing what she says or does.
I appreciate the feedback SO much.
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
si, most of us really beat ourselves up with trying to figure out if our W is having an A, how bad it is, how often, is it physical, etc. etc. The best thing I ever did for my own welfare and recovery was assume the worst, and then let it go. I mean here's the thing, you've been fired as H and if she's not already sleeping with someone else then she is consumed with the idea of it. She doesn't like you and may even hate you. She might find you repulsive right now. Yes it's that bad, the scenario is literally the worst thing you can dream up. So how do you change her mind? YOU CAN'T, SO DON'T TRY. That is how she feels right now, and probably will for a long time to come. In her mind if she sleeps with someone it is A) none of your business and B) not an affair. Wait what? Yes that's right, she no longer considers herself married except on some bothersome piece of paper in a filing cabinet somewhere. So (in her mind) sex with someone else isn't an "affair", it's just her moving on. There's a "rationalization hamster" running full speed in her head and no matter what you say or do it will spin away.
So you leave her to it. You get out. You GAL. You quit concerning yourself with who she's going out with, texting, emailing, thinking about. You get about the business of making yourself a manly man again, one that realizes he has far more value than to let some lying cheater tie him behind her car and drag him around on the ground.
You do that while at the same time she's exploring her GGW life. Somewhere down the road, she realizes GGW is a moral and emotional dead end. And she looks back. She should see a strong, stable, solid hunk of a man who no longer cares if she is looking or not. THAT is what may attract her back. And if it doesn't, you will have moved on anyway.
The thing about DB'ing is it makes you whole again. Whether you reconcile or not, you win. You will be better, stronger, healthier, more confident. You'll get there, just be patient.
You are absolutely right on this. Word for word what my W said to me when I discovered the OM (kid is more like it). And his advice is spot on bullseye. Drove me absolutely insane the first 2 months after S. It wasnt until I GAL and stopped caring about what she was doing that I was able to find some piece.
Well. I might have just let the cat out of the bag. I searched this guy on LinkedIn and it says he is working for the f***** city where I live!!!!!
Now he'll know I viewed his profile on LinkedIn. And if they're still talking she'll know I looked him up.
I should have left it alone. Am I totally screwed??????
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
Si13 You think someone working for the city? Albeit a Mayor or a Government worker has the time or inclination to bother whether someone looked up their public profile? If the OM ever realizes it? He won't realize it until months later. Also... What makes you think OM would say anything to WW? I know you probably don't want to hear this... But if this OM really is interested in your WW, then I can see you being competition. But if WW is just a pump and dump to OM. He doesn't care about the competition. OM is your competition, and to tell you the truth? He has no morals, and neither does your WW, so why the hell would you want to compete with that?
My WAW may be in an A or EA for all I know, or she may not be. One thing is for certain... Right now she's going through a soft MLC or MLT (Mid Life Transition) I've had 4 GF's before my wife, and had another "really good girl" turn on me, leave me and marry another from across the country. It hurts. I know you want throw the SOB in the dumpster, and either save the W from herself because you love her, or want to send them through the wood chipper...lol..
I can tell you that some affairs play out into happiness seeing others relationships, and others fail because of limmerace.... That's just life... You have to live with yourself first, your decisions, your self esteem, and self respect, before your WW's.
Ever see those movies where the emotionally mature W catches the H cheating, and either just throws his a$$ out, or calmly just goes about life in her own direction, absence of her H and gets stronger? Eat Love Pray or Under the Tuscan Sun? Who really wins when they move on? Self Respect. Live with and for yourself first. Im not saying it doesn't hurt. It hurts every time. It makes you sick every time. But the faster you take your focus off it, the faster you heal and get healthy.healthy
Sorry if I'm being straightforward tonight, had a few scotches. ;-)
Si13 , you are spinning at the moment. You have to step back . Don’t panic , it’s hard , but you are deeply hurt and jumping around in your mind . You have to stop , otherwise you will make things worse it’s ok to think these things but you have to stop your actions until you are more centred. It’s hard , but the sootyou do it the better . Watch some tv (comedy) to give yourself a break
I searched this guy on LinkedIn and it says he is working for the f***** city where I live
Did you get a name? If so that is all you need.
Listen,
You need to be in complete control of yourself. You need to have a plan and stick to the plan. You can not get emotional. If you believe you will be emotional, then you need to focus on your detachment.
This is all about you and your personal growth.
You have many ways to deal with this. Each of us will try to put in words things that we believe work.
AllenA PuppyDogTails, Coach, Gucci RobX are the wise oldtimers. Each has a different approach to busting. Figure out each of the approaches and determine which one you believe will be the most effective. Some of the approaches are not recommended by MWD. Understand why and then decide.
There is also a link to a recap of my sitch with all the books I read. I have them listed in recommended reading order. Buy a few.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Ok friends. Happy Weekend. I am DBusting like crazy. I feel really good.
The little hiccup could prove to be a real plus for me and here's why I think so. If the OM whom I already know, because he was with my W last year...if he is still in contact with her, he'll tell her I found his LI page and tell her. My mood around the house has been stellar. And the reason I think so is because I'm GAL. I'm accepting what happened, there's nothing I can do about it (except going forward) and I am discovering my own identity and life!!!
Sure a D could happen, and for all I know, it will. But I'm going to continue 180s, leaving her to her life and me getting mine.
I have played out the scenario in my head, she'll be wondering if I know he works here in this city (and she does too by the way), and she'll REALLY be wondering why I'm still so light hearted and positive. Why haven't I blasted her yet? Why aren't I confronting her? I'll continue to love her from a distance, being kind but detaching from the dead marriage.
It doesn't change ANYTHING. Even if there is an ongoing A. I'm gonna do my thing. I'm getting secure with my own choice of integrity that one day my kids will know and I'll be so glad for the choices I made in the middle of this mess.
I am still battling with what I did, how much I hurt her, knowing I've caused wounds. But I have made my peace with Jesus, and what I am able to do now is about my relationship with my 3 blessings.
I'm not sure if I feel so good from this being going on for 18 months OR being a part of this group OR God himself whispered to me recently that I'm going to be more than ok. But I'll take it and maintain this attitude. I can only control me.
Love y'all so much. Hope you have an amazing Saturday. Your life is not over. Your best days are ahead of you!!!
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
Si, good to hear you're doing well. Be aware, the rollercoaster ride is real. Do not be surprised if you wake up in a panic over everything. In the thick of my sitch I can only describe myself as manic-depressive. I've never been bipolar before but I now can relate to people that are. So yes, celebrate how good you feel, but be prepared for the reverse and be ready to deal with it with more GAL.
Onward and upward!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Yes Si13 just be prepared for the ups and downs. 2 weeks ago I was stellar, last week I almost cracked up, and had a mild panic attack. This week I balanced it out a bit, so just be prepared for the mood and thought swings.
So I am noticing as I am DB'ing that I am getting the following reactions: (just want to confirm these are common/normal)
Lots of temp checks; are you mad? are you ok? are you distant?
And then being downright rude seeing if I'll take the bait.
This normal????
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
So yeah, I'm back down to earth again. The DB'ing has been hard. We've been at home most of the weekend. Doing things with the kids, getting stuff cleared out for a "garage sale" which I think should be a moving sale.
I have not mentioned any talk about marriage, divorce, love, feelings or what she's doing, where she's going, etc.
I tried something new last night to GAL. I went out after the kids went down. She asked if I was going downstairs to watch a movie but I said if it's ok with you I'm going out, told her I didn't know where just was.
I changed clothes, splashed on a little cologne.
Before I left, she asks if SHE would be able to go out at night (not that she ever couldn't) if it was unplanned.
I had hoped for a much better eye opener for her. But it feels like I poked the sleeping bear. She wants even more freedom which I get since I've been controlling.
Ever since I started DB'ing I've gotten a ton of temperature check (are you ok? are you mad? you seem emotionally distant)
But she's also been contentious as hell. Every conversation seems to lead to her getting frustrated if she can't get me to explain something to her liking, or she is short fused or something.
Are these all normal?
I went to an art show last night. On a Sunday. It wasn't my scene. Truth is I want to be home with a wife, my wife, snuggling during a movie and falling asleep for the next day's work day.
Frustrated.
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
So I am noticing as I am DB'ing that I am getting the following reactions: (just want to confirm these are common/normal)
Lots of temp checks; are you mad? are you ok? are you distant?
And then being downright rude seeing if I'll take the bait.
This normal????
Yes. Si one of the things I encourage you to do is to start read other people's sitches. You'll see that a lot of this is typical WAS behavior, as they feel the loss of control over the LBS.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
So yeah, I'm back down to earth again. The DB'ing has been hard. We've been at home most of the weekend. Doing things with the kids, getting stuff cleared out for a "garage sale" which I think should be a moving sale.
I have not mentioned any talk about marriage, divorce, love, feelings or what she's doing, where she's going, etc.
I tried something new last night to GAL. I went out after the kids went down. She asked if I was going downstairs to watch a movie but I said if it's ok with you I'm going out, told her I didn't know where just was.
I changed clothes, splashed on a little cologne.
Before I left, she asks if SHE would be able to go out at night (not that she ever couldn't) if it was unplanned.
I had hoped for a much better eye opener for her. But it feels like I poked the sleeping bear. She wants even more freedom which I get since I've been controlling.
Ever since I started DB'ing I've gotten a ton of temperature check (are you ok? are you mad? you seem emotionally distant)
But she's also been contentious as hell. Every conversation seems to lead to her getting frustrated if she can't get me to explain something to her liking, or she is short fused or something.
Are these all normal?
I went to an art show last night. On a Sunday. It wasn't my scene. Truth is I want to be home with a wife, my wife, snuggling during a movie and falling asleep for the next day's work day.
Frustrated.
Si, first " I said if it's ok with you I'm going out, told her I didn't know where just was"??? Huh? Seriously, "Can I go out?"
Remember, you are getting your respect back. The guy that commands respect doesn't ask for permission. Next time:
- Get ready. - Be ready to go OUT the door. - Pass by her and say "I am going out for a bit." - Leave without saying anything else. - If she protests, follows you, continues to ask questions, listen and validate.
"I had hoped for a much better eye opener for her. But it feels like I poked the sleeping bear. She wants even more freedom which I get since I've been controlling. "
I really wish I had a 2x4 to smack you upside the head! LOL
NO EXPECTATIONS!! You GAL for YOU, not for a reaction from her. Not for a "better eye opener" for her. Who cares how she reacts.
I've told LBSs this dozens of times: she could come to you and tell you she had a gangbang with 50 guys, and it should roll off of your back like water off a duck. DETACHMENT, IE not to react emotionally to anything she says and does.
She is testing you on all of this. To see your resolve. She wants to see how easy it is to reestablish control over you. You are the one that needs the eye opener, not her. You need to open your eyes to the fact that the more you focus on her with your DBing activties the less chance of success you will have.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Special circumstance with the letting her know I'd be going out rather than ask permission. Part of my control issues we're doing what I wanted previously and questioning what she did (I wonder why with 3 affairs) but I at least want to be courteous going forward that I'll be going out.
I'm curious now how she will assert her new freedom as she still sends me a text when she comes home from work.
When she asked about her ability to go out I responded she was free to do what she'd like.
But you're right. The GAL is for me. I just felt so old last night. I usually go to bed early. I like to rise early. I like to be home with my family and home on a Sunday night. So it depressed me.
These are the times that I look back on 18 months full of trying to convince her to stay, her having multiple As and trying a new technique to save our marriage.
The limbo is a killer and while I'm grateful for the time to try, there is a lot of me that wants to get going with a new house, new life, new situation.
Ultimately I want a new marriage with her.
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
"Special circumstance with the letting her know I'd be going out rather than ask permission. Part of my control issues we're doing what I wanted previously and questioning what she did (I wonder why with 3 affairs) but I at least want to be courteous going forward that I'll be going out."
Prior to BD extending this courtesy would have worked. Post BD it makes you look weak and not respectable. This is a mistake LBSs make all the time. THere is a difference between 180ing on bad behaviors that are just bad. And 180ing on complaints she had prior to BD. For instance, a lot of WASs complain about the lack of affection and even sometimes sex prior to BD. However, as you can see, trying to be affectionate and initiate sex is not the right move POST BD. If you were mean, critical and overbearing prior to BD, then yes absolutely 180 on that.
See the distinction?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
That's what happened to me 1st unplanned night I went out dressed up, and to tell you the truth is has been progressing over the last 3 months on both sides. It's a selfish desire to have freedom and not be tied down with the kids. when they see you do it they get jealous and they want to do it too, so expect them to ramp it up. Mine started dressing nicer and wearing lipstick and perfume all the time after that. Started going out more, looking nicer, rings off. Don't ask don't tell policies on where we were going. Its years of jealousy and resentment coming out, so don't react to it. You did poke the sleeping bear, its only the beginning. This is a game of wills. Make sure you respond neutrally to any temp checks. Make a note of them, after a while you'll start seeing patterns in what they say and do. Don't sweat it, stay emotionally parked in neutral and get your long game ready, its only just begun.
Dang IHCLAS. That's one I'm anxious about. She's already been going out for 18 months with girlfriends, etc. In a way I'm prepared for it (even as I write this in my mind).
But up until she has had some sensitivity to my triggers about her affairs. She has tried to give me enough info to be "courteous and respectful".
F**** I hate this process.
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
NO EXPECTATIONS!! You GAL for YOU, not for a reaction from her. Not for a "better eye opener" for her. Who cares how she reacts.
I've told LBSs this dozens of times: she could come to you and tell you she had a gangbang with 50 guys, and it should roll off of your back like water off a duck. DETACHMENT, IE not to react emotionally to anything she says and does.
She is testing you on all of this. To see your resolve. She wants to see how easy it is to reestablish control over you. You are the one that needs the eye opener, not her. You need to open your eyes to the fact that the more you focus on her with your DBing activties the less chance of success you will have.
I really need to internalize this.
May: discover PA April: MC pending IC, back in MBR, discover EA March: different bedrooms, IC Jan 19: ILYBINILWY
Hmmm?.. I wonder sometimes? Is it really "courteous and respectful?" The time for being courteous and respectful was when you were married. She fired you as her H. It's really none of either one of your business now what other one of you does. It's all for reaction and temp checking I believe.
If this allowed freedom is asked for in a conversation, why do y'all suggest as the response?
For example: (if she asks about going out) I'm going out tonight. My response would be "enjoy yourself"
HOWEVER, what if she asks WHY are you ok with this (even hinting that I never was before)
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
Just had a funny DB moment. Did I handle it right?
I'm not longer looking for hugs / affection when I pickup the kids. Nothing.
Tonight my wife said "Love You" to me as we were going out the door at her work. I smiled and said good bye. She said it again. "Love you". So I said it back then.
Is there a Right or wrong here?
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
Steve. What if I get questioned here. How do I respond if she asks why I'm not saying it? How do I explain the DB?????
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
All kinds of funny dynamics while there is the injection of DBs. To actually do it for myself helps me to look at this from the outside.
I've got a situation I'd love to hear y'alls feedback on.
While my wife and I were going to CC, my mom was paying for the sessions. Being a mom, of course, she wants to help us try and piece this thing back together. But she's got her own feelings about what's happened since my wake up call for being abusive. My W had 2 As and well, not the most constructive method or response to EmAb.
Last week our CC put a stop to the sessions since my W asked for a D.
My W has asked now twice if my mom would continue to pay for her sessions (which I know the answer is no) and we pay for her IC 2x a week.
Is this controlling? My mom is still paying for my IC (with the CC and it's $170 per session).
Interestingly enough, my W has been applying for full time work like crazy, as that was her key to the divorce, when she gets her job and can support herself. She has been getting turned down like crazy as well. I have validated and tried to be very supportive.
This morning's goodbye took a very different tone. I could tell she's a little frustrated and barely even looked at me when I lightheartedly said goodbye. I could tell with an entire day off ahead of her, she's pretty depressed with our situation. But I held my ground. Even had the opportunity to look at her phone. Didn't even give it a second thought. I want to heal for me, DB for me.
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
F*ck she actually seems to be enjoying me DBing her.
Tonight after we put the kids to sleep I went downstairs to watch TV. I heard her on the phone with some automated thing but I wasn't going to hover around hoping she'd want to connect over a show.
She came down the stairs and said her 2 girlfriends were just hanging out and wondered if I'd mind if she went over. Before she could finish I said, "sure go and enjoy yourself!!"
She didn't get dolled up so I'm inclined to believe her she wasn't meeting anyone else. But at this point after 3 affairs I always wonder.
She temperature checked me right before she left. This is where I'm not sure about when a WAS starts asking about all the changes WHAT SHOULD MY RESPONSES BE???
She asked why I was downstairs and I replied I wanted to watch this show. She asked if it was to give her space and I replied again that I wanted to watch this show, I heard her on the phone so I was just hanging out downstairs.
Not sure how that went over if that's saying the right things. She left and I told her again "have fun!"
Any thoughts guys would be appreciated. At this point, I'm obviously reeling from the BD and she is feeling out this new found "freedom" and disinterest from her H that I'm thinking she both likes and makes her nervous as to why I'm detaching.
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
I don't have much to add as our sitches are pretty different, but if you are still religious I highly recommend picking up a book called Crushed by TD Jakes (it's $15 on Amazon right now). I started it yesterday and it has really helped me to get a new perspective on the entire situation. It's not a book on marriage or divorce, but about how life changing events are used to shape us for something better.
Of course keep on DBing, it sounds like you're doing all the right things. I'd go one step further and leave the house when possible. Buy the book and go read it at a coffee shop or park. Don't tell her where you're going. This has been really relaxing for me the last few days and helping me find another constructive way to GAL.
My W has asked now twice if my mom would continue to pay for her sessions (which I know the answer is no) and we
Is what controlling? Not asking your mom?
I actually think is pretty entitled that my W thinks my mom should now pay for her counseling. "We'd use it for CC anyway" she's probably thinking.
Trying to detach today - struggling with feeling lonely AF. Missing my text exchanges. Having integrity is lonely, when I could do what she has done, but I think about what kind of man I want to be to my kids.
I will get through this. I will figure it out.
Don't know whether to pray for my W to get a job quickly, or to delay so that I get more time. It's already been 1.5 years.
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
Got a DB question. For the last year and a half, I have brought my wife her coffee every morning which she has loved but clearly it hasn't made a difference and in fact is pursuit.
BUT now that I don't bring it up (I may brew it and leave it downstairs) what is an appropriate response to why I don't bring her coffee up anymore?
This is really a response to any kind of question that is pursuit related.
Thanks guys. Hope you're having a beautiful Wednesday.
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
"I am glad that you enjoyed me bringing you coffee in the past. Making coffee and bringing it to you every morning is something a husband would do. You fired me from that role. I am happy to brew the coffee in the morning and you are more than welcome to help yourself to a cup when I do".
This may seem petty, but her expecting you to bring her coffee is cake eating. She doesnt want you as H, but she wants the convenience of you. She wants to be catered to.
I stopped cleaning my STBXWW's car and doing the maintenance on it. When she crashed it, instead of the usual where I coordinated the insurance and repairs, I did nothing. My WW fired me from the role of her H and therefore she is not entitled to any of the conveniences I provided. That means she can figure out how to clean her car, keep it clean, maintain it and repair it when it needs as these are all things that I did as her husband that she obviously took for granted.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
Well, I guess that answers the question should I gas up her car every Sunday night.....I would usually take 1 kid with me to set an example of what I thought a husband/daddy should do. I may still do it for that example.
Better yet with the coffee, I can have the kids take it upstairs. Something to think about.
Appreciate the feedback SoTorn.
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
W:"H, why don't you bring me coffee anymore?" H:"W, what are you talking about??" W:"You stopped bringing me coffee bla bla bla" H:"H, I guess I have been focused on other things" W:Bla bla bla bla"
Then validate
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
BUT now that I don't bring it up (I may brew it and leave it downstairs) what is an appropriate response to why I don't bring her coffee up anymore?
B/c you were busy, excited to get to work, you have a big day. Big smile on your face when you say it. Just pick one of those, be brief, and move on out the door.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Well, I guess that answers the question should I gas up her car every Sunday night.....I would usually take 1 kid with me to set an example of what I thought a husband/daddy should do. I may still do it for that example.
Better yet with the coffee, I can have the kids take it upstairs. Something to think about.
Appreciate the feedback SoTorn.
She can get her own coffee and gas. Stop trying to make excuses of why you should still do these things. Sounds like you have a case of NGS. Don't send your kids to deliver her coffee either. And the getting gas for her as an example for your kids is just you trying to justify doing it. Your kids won't remember this. Set an example by being a strong, confident man that commands respect...
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
Got a DB question. For the last year and a half, I have brought my wife her coffee every morning which she has loved but clearly it hasn't made a difference and in fact is pursuit.
BUT now that I don't bring it up (I may brew it and leave it downstairs) what is an appropriate response to why I don't bring her coffee up anymore?
This is really a response to any kind of question that is pursuit related.
Thanks guys. Hope you're having a beautiful Wednesday.
Agree with what everyone else has said about this. si, you cannot NICE her back.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I don't bring her or make her coffee anymore (No point the T.Y.'s stopped.) I don't do her dishes or clean up her messes (Now Shes taking her own initiatives.) I try not to argue. I ignore all texts including random S1 picks used as bait for reactions, unless directly related to S1, finances, or split custody. I even gave her a screw driver to fix and replace her own toilet seat. I don't fix anything if it breaks if its non essential. (She can call all the repairmen for that now and pay through the nose like her parents always did, since she wanted to always do that in the first place.) I make sure to get at least half of my value of what I'm paying for as a "roommate" so I make sure to enjoy more TV now instead of letting her hog it all. I do my own separate grocery shopping. I let her carry in her own groceries. We schedule and split when garbage and recycling goes out. We try to divide housework evenly now, since IHS instead of blaming each other. I don't let her start arguments, or take digs. I address the problem behavior (She's a behaviorist) and walk away. Once on a while we will offer or share food, but not often. She is soley responsible for selling the house and leaving the marriage.
This is not to be punitive. You will not gain any brownie points by doing this. But you will eventually get some respect, and she will eventually learn to appreciate what you did. They wanted their indepndence and freedom. Have at it. I like to equate their mindset to that Janet Jackson song. What Have You Done For Me Lately. They are not focused on you, or thinking about you. They are focused on their goals/independence/healing/affairs/limerace/ whatever....So you focus on you and rebuild you. Be fair with them though. Help where it pertains to your children.
Keep all convos and texts short and to the point, less words is more mystery. Women intuitively understand that time is important because of biology. So if you are no longer important to them. You value and respect your time. This can be applied in all GAL scenearios, personal telationships, etc.
Guys. I'm gutted. I noticed she stopped wearing her wedding ring....
I see my IC tomorrow. Need to process this. Grief [censored].
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
Hate to say it Si. This is only the beginning. It [censored], it hurts when they take the rings off. I know you can't see it now, but you will get through it.
To add insult to injury, it feels like she's toying with me.
She asked if I was going out tonight. Like either to give herself permission to go out at a later date OR to f*CK with me like it doesn't bother her.
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
Oh yeah Si. Expect tit for that tectonic thinking. Its resentment and jealousy that has built up over the years. Every time you went out in the M, she was probably keeping score or tabs, and pushing it down. Now that the splitting is occuring? Start to expect "Well I did this for you, so now you're going to do this for me." Thinking. With scheduled custody days with the kids with money with everything.
You have my full empathy, support and I am rooting for you, have no doubt - however, one thing I learned is: 2x4's, brutal honesty, and being slapped when spinning is the best medicine.
We are so attached because we and our spouses have been an entity for so long, and now it feels like we are treading waters, and we cannot see the bottom... We basically think the sea floor is filled with great white sharks, and who knows, maybe it isn't - maybe there are actually several mermaids down there, waiting for you to stop treading, and for you to dive down and have a look...
What do I mean? Stop treading waters in this marriage of yours, stop being so focused on what she does, how she reacts, basically HER HER HER.... you will end up treading waters aka mind reading and waiting for so long, that your body wears out and you DROWN in this mess..
Dive under instead, focus on you... Maybe you will have to fence off a couple of sharks, most likely - we all did... But rest assured, that there are treasures waiting for you, if you truly allow yourself to let go, and put yourself first. Stop being so attached to something that has sunken..... Dive, swim and live life..... You are halting your own healing from desperately watching her like a hawk...
The only way this will pan out the way you want to, is to let her go 100%.. Let her go wild, let her drop her ring, let her move out, sell the house, separate, divorce - its all papers and material things... If you are ment to be, she will return - If not, then swim goddamnit, swim, and dont look back...
Its so hard to take the first stroke when you can't swim, because the fear of drowning is overwhelming - when you get the hang of it however, oh boy, the feeling of flying through the water... nothing beats that... I think you know what I am trying to say here....
Drop the rope friend.
BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018. EA: June 2018 PA: August 2018 - ongoing Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
Everything at this point in the process is counter intuitive.
Your mind is tricking you. You have to stop it. Control your thoughts, not the other way around.
If you are anxious, you are thinking about the future. If you are depressed, you are thinking about the past. Get into the moment. Right now is all you have. Enjoy every moment. Can't change the past. The future is not here yet, so set goals and work toward the goals.
si, what does her removing her ring change? You are still married. She is still walkaway. Wearing a ring. Not wearing a ring. Shaving her head. Jumping on a pogo stick...... none of that matters.
You need to detach. I've told lots of LBSs, even if your spouse came to you and told you that they had a gangbang with 100 people, you should let it roll off your back like water off a duck. You need to get to a place where you are not reacting emotionally.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
So I got my biggest reaction to DBing today. After 2 weeks of doing it.
I had changed my Ws phone ringtone on my phone, changed her name from wife to her actual name and changed her picture from her to the kids.
I didn't relaize she'd see it but my D was playing with my Ws phone and called mine while I was in the shower.
I hadn't seen this side of my W yet. She asked what was going on.
Was I cutting off emotionally? Is this why I seem distant?
Why did I change her pic, name and ringtone?
Was my recent distancing in relation to our "conversation"? Conversation meaning where she said she wanted a D.
I replied that I had changed those phone settings a while back. And if my actions were any different I was seeking peace within myself. But my position had NOT changed.
She said what position? I said I do not want a divorce but I understand that you do and I won't stand in your way if that's your position.
She asked about me seeking peace within myself, "couldn't you have done that or SHOULDN'T you have done that within the marriage????"
I calmly replied that there were definitely things I would have liked to have done before but......and then our kids interrupted - she tried to excuse them and keep the conversation going. I told her it was probably beat we finish this conversation another time. (This was so unlike me as I have been know to beat a horse to death trying to convince her I've changed and we can make this work).
Wow. I was shocked.
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
Please start a new thread and link the two threads together. Thanks!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Last edited by job; 05/05/1910:05 PM. Reason: added link to new thread
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
Back at the gym. Keeping my eyes on health. 